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(summer - ending)
The heat is almost gone the last time she leaves.
Theo has never been much for poetry. He would rather spend whatever little free time he can muster reading over more substantial things – or writing them. Still he lets himself think for just a few seconds in the morning when he walks by the yellowing trees that lead to the print shop that there is something ironic to be said about the weather matching his own feeling.
Summer seems like a distant memory – the warmth of Eloise barely pressed against his side, the smell of strawberries and lilies and her hair. The wind reminds him of the way her fine dresses swayed at times – the soft touch almost imperceptible of her gloved fingers against his when he had handed over the books.
It is foolish to dwell on something that can never be – something he had no interest in before and yet his heart does not appear to want to listen to reason.
He sits at the next assembly with his back to the door and yet every time he hears someone come in he foolishly turns around – imagining for a second that Eloise has come through the door, her cheeks rosy from the colder weather.
But she doesn’t and Theo walks home under the cover of the yellow and orange leaves and doesn’t let himself think any thoughts he might want to share with her.
(fall)
Everything is made new during the fall.
The cold sweeps into his bones and somedays it feels like he will never be warm again. The sky is grey on most days and Theo starts getting sent off to make deliveries closer to Mayfair. Every lady in a delicate dress looks like Eloise at some point and whenever he sees a sweep of dusky hair leave his fingers aching to reach out – to grasp what continues to be out of touch for him.
There are sometimes when he sees a footman walking by the door and his heart skips forward – feeling as it’s pressing against his ribcage, but no one does come in to deliver any hidden letters and as the day goes by Theo pushes down his traitorous hope of something – anything. It needs to be crushed if he means to move on.
And then –
The day is as cold as they get, winter is now closer than ever and yet it is still warm inside the print shop. Theo stays late as he tends to do – he needs to finish work and he means to dwell to go to an assembly later. It’s easier when his mother thinks he is working late and asks nothing of what the neighbors whisper are radical activities.
The door is pushed open and a gust of wind comes in – fanning the flames of the chimney that burns low after a long day. Theo comes up from the back just to let whoever has come in that they are closed but the words get lost between his teeth.
Eloise stands there – and she looks so breathtaking it takes a second for him to register her truly. She’s wearing pants – dark and a black coat that hangs off her ridiculously. Her hair is pulled back and covered by a hat. It’s obvious she has taken the clothes off someone with a much bigger frame than her, but the room is immediately filled with the unmistakable smell of strawberries.
“Theo,” she breathes and he feels as though as if someone is reaching through his ribs and squeezing his heart into beating desperately. “Mr. Sharpe.”
“What are you doing here?” Is all he can muster. He knows he is being terribly rude but he cannot play pretend any longer. Not when he is spent the last weeks thinking of the feeling of her skin against his, however brief it had been.
“I have thought of you – and of what I would have liked to said –“ she says hesitantly and takes a step forward, her ungloved hands twirling together. “I was mistaken to –“ she says unable to speak her thoughts. “I was hoping you would still like to speak to me, on your thoughts. I still do think and I want to share my thoughts with you.”
Theo remains silent – trying to suffocate the wild thing that is trying to pull his lungs apart and escape through his mouth.
“I know you are correct to say I am protected by my status and my family name.” She speaks now more certain of what she is saying as if she has rehearsed the words. “But I do not wish to hide behind that any longer. I have spent my entire life knowing I wanted something else and yet when I was near knowing what that might be I pulled away to go hide behind the exact things I despise.”
Her eyes are filled with tears – and for a second Theo is taken back to the night she had left so abruptly. After he had – after he had stepped into the invisible line he knew was there.
“Do you still wish – would it be possible for you to still share your thoughts with me?”
Without meaning to Theo lets a small smile unfold over his lips. It’s impossible to keep it at bay around her just as it had been that first time at the assembly. He wishes more than anything that everything was simpler but even in the complication he still yearns.
“I have set a couple of more books aside since we last spoke.” Theo says and her face immediately lights up. “I have an assembly to attend this evening. Would you like to accompany me?”
Eloise smiles even brighter if possible and it feels like it will never be winter.
(winter)
Snow falls in Mayfield and in London and it makes everything look much the same. Theo spends his days working and daydreaming about a lady who dresses like a boy to run away for a little while.
There is a lot of work to do these days and he goes home late almost every day, stains of ink in his every finger. He goes to the assemblies and Eloise sits next to him, wide eyed and taking everything in – writing down on her pamphlets like the most applied of students.
The second time they attend to after the snow falls Eloise is trembling a bit and when she sits down to write in her elegant penmanship, she presses her knee against Theo’s.
Theo glances at her for one second but when he sees the unmistakable rose color of her cheeks he looks away. He doesn’t move away.
They sit like that the entire meeting – and on the next one again. Eloise grows a bit bolder, and she increases the pressure with each assembly that passes until they are sealed from thigh to ankle. Theo notices her watching him sometimes from under her lashes but never comments on it. He already tried to move faster than she was ready to once and he’d be lying if he said the image of her pulling away did not sting his heart still.
After the meetings Eloise is electric. It is as if her thoughts are overflowing from her mind and the small walk, they make back to the print shop where her footman waits silently. Theo walks slower each time and wonders if she notices – Eloise is simply impossible to look away from when she is a passionate rant.
“You should go up there and talk one day.” He says one day while they sit, as soon as he speaks her fingers stop moving the pencil against the pamphlet, but her knee remains pressed against hers. “You certainly have given me more than enough speeches.”
“I could not possibly.” She says and she is blushing but Theo can see even in the dim light the dreamy glow in her blue eyes. “I am aware as you have pointed out in the past I am in a very privileged position, I could not possibly have anything to teach these people. I am perfectly content with listening.” Her tone is teasing – her words light.
There is a stray curl falling from under her hat, brushing against her cheek. Theo has to clench his hand to avoid brushing it away.
“I find your thoughts extremely interesting.” Theo says but he looks away when he does, he rests his hand on his own leg, picking at a thread loose on his pants. “Certainly worth of being shared.”
There is quite a ruckus of raised voices and discussions going on around them but when Eloise lifts her eyes to look at him – he is not able to hear anything else. She lifts her hand and places it over his for a second and he knows he will remember the warmth and softness of her skin against his calloused hands for days.
“Thank you, Theo.” She says after a moment, and she smiles at him – that sweet shy smile she’s offered him a million times before.
Then her hand is gone leaving her warmth behind and the noise around them continues – as if no one has noticed that Theo is having difficulty to take a breath.
The snow falls thinner each time the promise of spring in both of their minds.
(spring)
There are flowers in every window as he walks to the print shop.
The smell is heavy in the air even in the grey streets of the city seem to have been brought back to life. Theo’s mother mentions he has a skip on his step when he leaves each morning, and she makes some silly jokes about how love must have come knocking. Theo doesn’t entertain the thought outside the safety of his own head.
Eloise shows up the second day of spring – it is not an assembly day and she is not wearing the usual outfit she uses to hide – some pants a shirt and a coat she had nicked from her older brother. She is wearing one of her delicate dresses – the fabric looks soft and her hair is falling on her shoulders.
“Eloise –“ Theo says and a moment later “Lady Bridgerton.”
It has gotten quite late and Theo is alone – everyone else having already left. This is dangerous. It’s inappropriate – this is what almost got them into trouble before.
“Theo,” she says and she takes a step forward. Her hands are gloved and she appears nervous as if she is uncomfortable to be in his presence in this way. “Do not worry – my sister-in-law sits in a carriage outside and she will tell anyone who asks she was here with me, if necessary.”
“And she would be believed?” Theo asks, leaning against the table, trying to keep a respectable distance between them.
Eloise smiles in that way that always lets him know when he is being mocked. “She is after all the Viscountess of Bridgerton.” And suddenly her smile drops and she takes a step forward. “That is not the matter right now.”
“What is the matter?” Theo asks. He feels inadequate seeing her like this – the last couple of weeks he has been able to almost forget the invisible ocean that exists between them. Now he is too aware of his shabby clothes and his ink-stained hands. Eloise is lovelier than any flower he has seen. And she would probably roll her eyes if he were to say so out loud.
“I desire –“ she starts and she takes one step forward and then another. “That unfortunate night when our friendship almost came to an end, you tried – well I believed you were about to –“
Theo feels his heart once again has turned into a hummingbird.
“I want you to –“ Eloise says and she is blushing bright red, just like the day she had come to tell him she thought of him. She stomps her feet on the ground acting as a child not getting her way for a moment. “Will you make me say it to delight yourself further in my embarrassment?”
“I could not possibly presume to imagine –“ Theo says and she takes one more step. She is close enough now that he can feel the warmth radiating from her. It’s intoxicating. “Eloise, we have discussed –“
“I know.” She says. “And I know that by coming here like this and saying these things to you I am putting at great risk. I know all of these things and still I have behaved foolishly enough to come here and put us both at risk.” She says and she suddenly looks away. “Why do you think I would act like this? I care for you more than I am able to say.”
“I love you.” Theo says when he opens his mouth to speak and it is not even near to what he intended to speak. Eloise eyes snap back to him and her lips part – she is glowing in the dim light. “That is why you should leave Eloise. I know my feelings are not –“ He stops for a moment trying to find the words. “I will deal with my feelings in my own time and manner. But I do not wish to harm you in any way.”
Theo turns around – he does not wish to watch her go one more time. He is not sure she’s ever to return.
“For being one of the brightest people I have ever known you are truly quite daft.” Eloise says after a minute. “Are all men as daft as you?” She continues. “Theo turn around. Face me.” She demands – she takes one step more and when Theo does turn around she is almost pressed against him.
The sweet smell of strawberries clouds his senses and when she reaches out to press her gloved hand against his warm cheek, he cannot help himself. He leans down and presses his lips against hers.
It’s the kiss he’s been waiting for, Eloise is shy but she still frames his face with her other hand and he pulls her in, arms around her waist. She kisses like she argues – slow at first as if she’s being showed something new, and she probably is, but after a few seconds she presses herself into Theo and kisses him with a passion that knocks the breath out of him.
He is not sure if he can feel the beating of her heart against his chest from how close they are pressed together or if it’s his own heart still beating loud enough to be heard.
Someone clears their throat.
Eloise and Theo jump away from each other as if they have been burned. He turns to look at the door and a woman is standing there – dressed in fine green silk that contrasts with her dark skin. She is smiling as if she’s in on their secret.
“Kate,” Eloise breathes setting her hand against her chest as if trying to quiet her own heart by force. “You scared me.”
“You should be thanking I did not send the footman in.” The lady – Kate says. “Though I suspect he might be in on this as well. He did try to delay me several times.”
“Theo – this is my –“ Eloise says and her breath sounds steadier. “This is the Viscountess of Bridgerton. Kate, this is Theo Sharpe.”
Kate smiles once again. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance.” And then she turns to Eloise. “We really must be going. There is only so many excuses I can use on your brother.”
Eloise nods. “Give me one moment please.”
Kate nods and steps out, the door closing behind her.
“I will return tomorrow for the assembly.” She says and she steps closer again – Theo finds it hard to breathe. “I do as well, surely you must know.” She whispers as if trying to get the words out in a hurry. “Love you, I do love you as well.”
Theo wants to say – many things. He does not believe the words he used before even come close to express his true feelings for Eloise. The words seem too short and fall flat to embody the way his chest feels like it is collapsing on itself every time she walks through the door and how it fills with light when she hears her laugh. How it sometimes he has to tear his eyes away and play a bargain with himself to not watch her because how greedy he feels for the sight of her. How he sometimes cannot bear to think of the unavoidable truth that their futures are not together.
I yearn for you every day and every night he wants to say And when I dream I do of us together and when I wake it feels unreal to know it will never be true.
All of the words feel wrong and if suddenly a dessert has dried on his tongue so he swallows them and tucks them between his ribs to pull out later for only his eyes to see.
Eloise smiles once again and leans up on her tip toes to press a kiss against his cheek. “See you soon, Theo.”
No one is there to bear witness if he does press his fingers against his still warm lips.
(summer – beginning)
Sometimes Theo thinks when Eloise laughs he understands how poets must feel right before writing their sonnets.
She laughs more recently – head thrown back and hair wild. Hair spread over their pillow as a halo and cheeks rosy. She is beautiful and capable of being terrible. And Theo loves, loves, loves her.
Eloise did the unthinkable. Running away from her privilege and her family name and falling into a life so far from what she had been born into. The Viscountess still comes to visit periodically – delights Eloise with endless conversation and whispers about how she is the new Lady Mary as they all whisper, whatever that means. Her brother – Benedict – still comes around but Theo tries to make himself scarce whenever he does. He is not nearly as sympathetic to him as Kate is.
But Eloise does laugh and flashes the ring on her finger – nothing as fancy as some Lord could have offered – but something she claims matches the pants and coats she uses for every assembly. Eloise steps into the stage and speaks now and argues and everyone listens to her with the same catch on her breath as Theo has done since the first time.
Somewhere – in another life she would be in dresses and dancing in salon trying to find a good enough suitor. But that is all behind her now.
Eloise laughs and Theo feels like summer will last forever.