Chapter Text
It’s pretty crazy, at least Tsukasa thinks so, how much one's life can change over the course of a few years. In Highschool, Tsukasa was given the opportunity to perform in front of hundreds of people daily in Phoenix Wonderland with his troupe and it was with those people that he recalled the reason he started performing in the first place; it was in them that he found home. However, all good things must come to an end and despite the group's best efforts their stage was closed down. They were informed that it wasn’t because they hadn’t done what had been asked, but that the stage was just genuinely too old and hard to get to for them to continue using. It had crushed them all, perhaps Emu the most considering how hard she had fought to keep it going, yet she still smiled at her grandfather and accepted his decision.
Tsukasa had heard from Rui later that she had called Nene crying that night.
After that, it was some time before they performed again, and they had become something of a pop up performance or flash mob. ‘As long as we can continue delivering smiles to others, the location doesn’t matter.’ was the mindset they had adopted. They performed in earnest in populated areas like parks and malls, sometimes they even did street performances. Unfortunately, after almost getting caught and arrested by authorities one too many times, they had made the decision that continuing was too much of a risk. That was effectively the end of Wonderland x Showtime as a collective troupe, and Tsukasa felt his heart drop to his feet at the reality.
Even though they no longer performed, the group continued to remain friends; meeting up often after school whenever their after school activities would allow. Tsukasa had told himself that it was fine if they couldn’t perform, as long as they could stay together that would be enough. Yet as the years progressed, university entrance exams and life had started pulling them apart and it became harder to meet up or just hang out at all. Sometimes Tsukasa was even too tired to speak in the group chat they had made. Had he the time to really think about the state of affairs at the time, maybe he would’ve realized that they were coming apart.
After graduation, Emu took up work as an extra for one of the larger troupes in Phoenix Wonderland, it wasn’t the same as before but she was able to make fast friends with the performers and continue doing what she loved. Nene sought work with a traveling troupe, having gotten over her fears that had been holding her back, she wanted to take her voice and bring smiles to people all over the country. Rui started traveling after graduation and wasn’t often in town anymore, sometimes he wasn’t even in Japan. He sought inspiration for his stories and figured the best way to get it was to see the world, of course he continued performing here and there for children in the places he went to. Each of them were doing well for themselves and continued forwards in the face of their setback.
‘Yet what am I doing?’ Tsukasa thinks as he scrolls through the old photos on his phone.
Tsukasa had gotten into his University of choice, opting to major in theatre and later on pick up education as a minor. He had even joined the theatre club in order to continue performing, and for a while he was fine. However, it began to weigh on him more and more that his friends were no longer around. He would turn to congratulate Rui on a wonderful script only to remember that it wasn’t him writing it anymore, and no longer did he get to hear the ‘wonderhoy!’ chant that Emu had come up with. The singing he heard that filled him with emotion no longer came from Nene but his schools favored lead. Performing had started to lose its luster, and he participated less and less until eventually he stopped performing entirely; only acting as a technician.
It wasn’t the same. Performing wasn’t fun if he couldn’t do it with them. Wonderland x Showtime had become his home and without them he couldn’t find land to stand on. The group chat that had once been lively was now hardly active with Rui often being unable to chat because he didn’t have service and Tsukasa had begun to bury himself in school to forget them so he wasn’t around to talk either. The only people who used it were Emu and Nene, at least for a while until Tsukasa figured they just started messaging each other privately since they couldn’t get a response. The last messages had come from Rui, who as of a month ago had landed in France. Honestly Tsukasa didn’t even remember if he ever replied to that message, he may have been busy studying for a Midterm at the time.
Tsukasa locked his phone and pulled himself to his feet, staggering momentarily as the world spun around him. ‘Oh yeah…did I even eat today?’ He couldn’t remember. Everyday felt the same as the last for him. He got up and went to classes, came home to the same empty apartment and did his work, maybe ate dinner if he was feeling up to it that day and then spent the rest of the evening staring at the TV until he went to bed. Tonight he decides to only consume a bare minimum and makes a microwavable mac n cheese container to eat before returning to his room. What used to be a space that he cleaned every other day had become something he could hardly bring himself to re-organize.
He heaved a sigh before flopping into his messy nest of a bed, sitting his phone on the bedside table next to the three empty water bottles that were already there. Tomorrow he had another test, yet he couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep, only staring up at the ceiling as if it was supposed to have an answer as to what direction he was supposed to go in. The man was in the process of taking out his hair tie and getting comfortable when his phone goes off with the familiar chime he hasn’t changed since his younger years. Wincing at the memories he shuffles over on his bed to look at the caller ID.
“Emu…?” He says, more confused than anything else.
What could she possibly want from him at one in the morning? He reached a hand out as if to answer only to freeze. Gripped by anxiety his brain was flooded with intrusive thoughts goading him into believing that he wasn’t worth her time, not really. She was probably going to tell him all about her grand endeavors and he would have nothing to show in return. He lost out to this and similar trains of thought, dropping his arm back to the bed and even rolling over to make a show of ignoring it. Tsukasa squeezed his eyes shut as if he could will the jingle to silence itself, as if he could magically turn his phone off.
Eventually, the ringing did stop and Tsukasa could feel himself relax again. Hopefully she wouldn’t leave a voicemail, he didn’t know what he’d do if he heard her voice right now. Confident that he wouldn’t be disturbed any further he turned out the lights and sank down lower into his blankets, clutching a familiar Starshaped pillow that he brought with him when he left home. Tsukasa had just started falling into an uneasy sleep when his phone went off again, scaring him into sitting straight up. This ringtone wasn’t familiar, it was the default one that he kept so that he could tell if it was someone he knew or not. Normally he would just ignore it, but something in his gut was compelling him to answer despite himself. Shifting in his bed again he reached for his cell and tapped the little green icon before holding the phone up to his ear.
“Tsukasa speaking.” His voice came out soft and sleepy.
“Oh good~, so I remembered right after all.” Came the reply, the voice's owner seemed to let out a small sigh of relief.
“..? May I ask who’s speaking?” Now he was confused, whoever this was seemed to know him, but Tsukasa himself couldn’t entirely place where he's heard their voice before.
“How cold, Tsukasa-kun. I know it’s been a few years but you can’t have forgotten me already!”
That playfulness…Tsukasa’s eyes widened and he found himself leaning forward more as if that was supposed to help him hear better.
“Rui?!” Tsukasa exclaims. “It’s Rui right?!”
“Ah, so our brightest star does remember this humble director after all!”
Barely. Rui’s voice sounded a bit different than it did before they all stopped hanging out which was why he didn’t register who it was right away. Tsukasa found himself smiling despite himself, the cloud over his head momentarily lifted.
“Of course I do, what are you doing? Isn’t it super early in Paris right now?”
“About that, I actually returned to Japan recently~, I’ve been visiting with my family. I remembered that you had moved out so instead of going to visit you directly I figured I would call.”
So he was home then? That was nice, maybe he's already met up with Emu and Nene. Perhaps that is why Emu was trying to call him? To tell him that Rui had come back; the thought made him feel bad for not answering her when she called.
“I see, well since you’re on the phone, what have you been up to? How was France?” Whether Tsukasa recognized it or not, his voice shifted when he was talking to Rui and he was a lot more energized than he had been just minutes ago.
Their conversation lasted for a while, with Rui recounting his travels and Tsukasa just listening to him and asking his own questions every so often. According to Rui, he had gotten some brilliant inspiration and was ready to start writing his first professional script. Rui filled him in on some of Emu and Nene’s activities as well since he’d seen them recently. As he spoke, Tsukasa found himself smiling as he thought about how amazing all of his friends were. However, the pleasant feelings didn’t last for long as he recalled that in comparison he had done nothing great. He had always talked big about being a brilliant star who would light up any stage but now his light had all but died. All stars burnt out eventually…even him.
“Enough about me and the girls, what about you Tsukasa-kun? You’re in school for theatre right~?”
The former performer's eyes dimmed and his energy dropped as he thought about what to say. Nothing would ever measure up to them, what did he have that was worth talking about? He hadn’t performed in any shows, and he hadn’t made a name for himself anywhere else. The feelings of cheer over his friend's achievements began to sour and become heavy stones that he was struggling to carry on his back.
“Tsukasa-kun?”
Oh right, he was on the phone. Flustered that he’d gotten distracted, Tsukasa broke into half hearted laughter before continuing the conversation.
“Well you know how it is! University really isn’t a joke, I‘ve got all this work and never enough time it seems to do it!” That was enough right?
If Rui noticed the change, he gave no obvious notice of it, instead taking a moment to chuckle himself.
“Right right, well Emu, Nene, and I were planning to go see a show next weekend. You should come with us.” Tsukasa’s stomach twisted in knots at the idea and he opened his mouth to give an excuse as to why he couldn’t go; but before he could, Rui’s voice came over the line again. “I know you’re probably busy with work, but I really think it would be good for you to get out. Besides, we haven't seen each other in ages you know~?”
Internally Tsukasa groaned, of course. Of course Rui would know he was planning on turning it down. He can't help the sigh that escapes him as he finally replies to his friend.
“Alright. I’ll be there.”
After discussing the time, day, and place they hung up the phone and Tsukasa made sure to swap Rui’s old number with his new one. He would have to ask why he switched when he got the chance, though he figured it wasn’t for any incredibly important reason. Once again his phone was returned to the nightstand and he tried to get some sleep, but couldn’t due to the anxiety and anticipation. Instead he found himself getting a head start on his upcoming work so that he would definitely have Saturday free to go see that show.
-WxS-
Rui’s eyes narrowed slightly at his phone after hanging up with Tsukasa. It was becoming pretty clear to him why it was that he didn’t answer Emu’s call; even if he didn’t know what exactly was wrong. He switched the line back over to Nene whom he had put on hold to call Tsukasa after she said he hadn’t picked up.
“Well? He must’ve answered…right?” A nervous voice came over the phone once she realized Rui had reconnected. She apparently hadn’t had much hope when she suggested that he call him instead.
“He’ll be there, don’t worry~.” He hums and relief washes over the two girls at the other end of the call. “Get some sleep, I know you’re worried about him but he’ll just feel worse knowing that he kept you two up.”
They spoke for a minute or two more before Rui hung up the phone and his face lost its smile.
‘Tsukasa-kun…how are you really doing?’
-WxS-
The day of the meet up feels like it comes a lot sooner than Tsukasa would like it to. He checked himself over in the mirror at least six times, making sure that his Ponytail wasn’t crooked and that his glasses sat properly on his face. He still had bags under his eyes but he didn’t think there was much that he could do about that, it was the result of sleepless nights riddled with anxiety. At least he was dressed presentably, his style of dress was still more or less the same as it was when he was in highschool, just with the addition of colorful shaped patches that he usually sews in himself.
He starts getting nervous waiting in front of the cafe they were supposed to be meeting at for lunch when it ticks into about 10 past their agreed time. Tsukasa checks his phone for any sort of text from Rui in regard to a change of meeting time and when he doesn't see any he starts to think they were playing some kind of sick joke on him. It was making him nauseous just coming here after all.
“Tsukasa-kun!”
“Tsukasa!”
However, before he can turn to start walking away he hears his name from behind. Turning around he sees Emu and Nene making a beeline towards him, Emu much faster. He hardly had time to brace before the pink haired girl hopped, stepped, and jumped into his arms, sending him stumbling back a couple paces.
“Emu?!” He cries, tightening his arms around her so that she doesn’t fall. She certainly looked a bit different, her hair was a little longer and it looked like she curled it today. Though her bright and colorful sense of style hadn’t changed any, that was for sure.
Looking up, he took in Nene who had hurried after Emu in a futile attempt to stop her and Rui who came after, looking more than a little amused. Those two looked about the same as he remembered, though he definitely felt a sting knowing that Rui had gotten another spurt of growth. What a beanstalk, seriously! Tsukasa held onto Emu for a moment longer before letting her down.
“Sorry, Tsukasa-kun~ We tried to stop her.”
“You didn’t do anything!” Nene shoots back at Rui, cutting his claim off quickly.
Tsukasa shook his head and smiled wearily. “Don’t worry about it,” he begins. “I was just surprised. It’s good to see you all.” and in a sense, it was true. Seeing them again filled him with a cozy nostalgia that seemed to balance out the chemicals in his brain.
After greeting each other, the group began to file into the cafe for lunch; Rui caught Tsukasa’s shoulder and stopped him. Confused, Tsukasa looked back and upwards at his friend.
“Rui?” He asked.
“You look good, Tsukasa-kun. I didn’t think you were seriously going to grow your hair out. Though we could do without the eyebags, hm~?”
Hearing him praise his appearance, Tsuaksa fought the blush that settled on his face. Though he did find himself pouting since his eye bags were brought up.
“Don’t worry about it, a lot of late nights is all.” He smiles, but it doesn’t really reach his eyes even though the words that follow it are earnest. “You look rather handsome yourself you know?” With that he followed the other two in, leaving Rui to contemplate the interaction. Tsukasa was too busy trying to put on an act that he didn’t realize Rui was fishing for something, or that his suspicions were confirmed by their exchange.
-WxS-
Lunch was nice, even though Rui and Nene were a bit awkward interacting with him, the fact that Emu was still the same helped him settle down and even earnestly enjoy the conversation. Currently they were making their way to the show venue as quickly as they could since they were running a bit late. Their shopping pitstop took a bit longer than expected, putting them behind on time. Still, for a while Tsukasa felt the same as he did when they were actively performing. He couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed as hard as he did when Emu accidentally sprayed water in her face upon stopping at a water fountain.
As they got closer to the theatre though, a sickening feeling began to overtake him. Nostalgia comes in waves as he recalls all the performances they’d done in high school as Wonderland x Showtime and suddenly he’s stuck in place. Lost in the memories he finds himself unable to move, almost as if he was scared that entering the establishment will cause him some unforeseeable pain. There’s a nudge to his arm and he blinks out of the spell to see the concerned gazes of his friends, Rui at his side, having been the one to knock him out of it.
“Tsukasa-kun! Are you okay? You’re not feeling sick are you?!” Emu asks when he finally starts moving again. He shakes his head and offers what he hopes is a reassuring smile as they finally enter the building.
“I’m alright Emu, just thinking about what kind of show this is!”
“Right?! Rui-kun was telling me earlier that it was supposed to be a romantic piece! ‘Sorrow and Joy coming together in perfect harmony~’ so he says!”
‘A Sorrowful Romance huh?’ He feels like he can relate, at least a little bit and he shifts his gaze to Rui without thinking. The strange part was that Rui was staring back, meaning he must’ve been watching Tsukasa first; Anxious, he drops his gaze again.
They manage to get all settled in just as the lights are dimming and the curtain raises. This performance is everything he could’ve wanted it to be, and by its climax he finds himself in tears. Though his tears were a bit different from the ones coming from Nene and Emu who seemed to be immersed in the story. He was crying because it finally hit him how miserable he’s been without theatre. How he let something he loved become a shackle because he felt himself nothing without the others. They all just shined so much brighter than him and once their light had vanished the only thing that remained was but a candle flame to the roaring fire it had been. He felt just as pathetic as he did as a child, feeling like he was unable to make Saki smile before they’d gone to the theatre.
As quietly as he could manage, Tsukasa got up from his seat and shuffled his way past his friends, briskly departing the main hall. Once he broached them, his speed picked up and suddenly he was running; he wasn’t even quite sure what it was he was running from. There was just this burning desire to get as far away as possible before he fell apart. Tsukasa ran until he’d made it out of the building, turning sharply to the left to go along the building's side before coming to a stop.
His chest heaved, and before he could stop it he’d thrown up because his body couldn’t keep up with everything going on within it. Now he was even more miserable as he dug through his satchel for his pocket tissues in order to wipe his mouth. This was a nightmare, the first time in almost three years he gets to see his friends and he wound up chickening out at the climax of the show. If he could feel any worse than he already did about it, he would.
He’d only been sitting on the ground for a few minutes when he heard someone calling his name. Tsukasa looked up to see Rui coming around the corner and groaned because he should've known that someone would come looking for him when he didn't come back to the hall. He buried his head between his legs to the best of his ability and tried to hide when Rui sat down next to him. This was the worst possible outcome, at least in his eyes as he didn’t think he could hide anything from Rui.
“Tsukasa-kun.”
Tsukasa didn’t respond, doing everything except lift his head and look at Rui because he knew that if he did he would fall apart.
“Tsukasa-kun, Look at me.”
Rui’s voice was a bit more commanding this time, but still relatively soft and despite himself Tsukasa removed his head from between his legs. His face was a bit of a mess and his eyes were puffy from crying all that time before Rui had shown up. He really hadn’t wanted any of them to see him like this, he didn't want to show them anything that wasn’t the Tsukasa Tenma they had known in the past.
“Rui…I'm sorry for running out like that. You went out of your way to invite me and I ended up leaving anyway.”
“Mm, I don’t particularly mind. We decided on this outing for you, you know?”
Now that had him raising his brows a bit. “What do you mean?”
“Everyone’s been worried about you, you’ve been radio silent for a long time. When Nene told me you’d stopped talking I almost didn’t believe her. The great Tsukasa Tenma not having something to say? Who could believe something like that?”
Tsukasa snorted in response. “Things change, people change. That’s just how it is, you guys didn’t need to come up with something like this.”
“On the contrary, had I not insisted you come, you would’ve come up with an excuse not to see us, right? You would probably be back in your apartment, staring at a wall and continuing to avoid us.”
Rui was right, but that didn’t mean Tsukasa had to like that he was right. Had he not come today he would be at home stewing in his negative energy and rotting away over papers he had no desire to write. Tsukasa both loved and hated Rui’s ability to read him; it made understanding easier, but it meant that there wasn’t a lot he could hide from his old director.
“We tease you a lot, but we do genuinely care about how you’re doing. Just because we’re busy doesn't mean we won’t make time.”
Tsukasa frowned at that and spoke before he could stop himself. “That’s not it! I know that you all care, that’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is it about Tsukasa-kun?” Rui asks. “My intuition may be better than most but that doesn’t mean I can read your mind.”
The blonde bit his bottom lip, debating what to do. He really didn’t want to admit his inner feelings. They were gross, and heavy, and they made him seem weak; he didn’t want to be weak. Tsukasa wrestled with it for what felt like hours, but Rui didn’t rush him, in fact it didn’t seem like Rui would’ve minded at all if Tsukasa backed out. He must’ve wanted Tsukasa to speak for himself, when he was ready and without prying. Finally, he looked away from Rui and slouched back against the side of the theatre.
“I gave up performing.” he says quietly, almost like the words were a curse. “I joined the university's theatre club but no matter how many times I stood on that stage it wasn’t the same. I felt small, and alone in a crowd of strangers who were all just as good if not better than me.”
The more he talked, the smaller he seemed to get. “I realized that the one thing I loved doing more than performing was performing with you guys. I guess…I got too comfortable, I couldn’t remember how to perform like I did before Wonderland x Showtime and once that set in, it all lost its sparkle.” He choked out a laugh as he tried not to cry.
“I thought about bringing it up, you know? But you were all…you were all shining so brightly on your own stages. You were all chasing the same star and I…I got lost somewhere along the way. I felt miserable and pathetic, so I just shut down. I figured you guys would be better off if I just wasn’t there.” He glanced over at Rui. “Before you say anything, I know it’s stupid.”
Rui raised his hands above his head as if the other was planning on arresting him.
“I wasn’t going to say a thing, honest.”
Tsukasa sniffled and shifted his gaze away again, staring out into the road where people were passing to and fro as if he wasn’t spilling his guts for all to see.
“Eventually, everything became a drag and I couldn’t see a purpose for me. I can't even remember the last time I stayed until the end of a meeting.” Another sigh escaped him. “Then you called, said everyone was planning to meet up and I just…I panicked. I didn’t know how I was going to admit that I'd given up while the rest of you were sprinting full speed ahead.”
Rui listened quietly as Tsukasa talked, not wanting to interrupt him; and Tsukasa appreciated it immensely. After he finished he pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. He didn’t have anything more to say, and all he could do was wait to see what Rui had to say, if he said anything at all. When Tsukasa looked at him, he could tell that Rui was thinking hard about something. This went on for a while before Rui spoke up.
“You know, Tsukasa-kun. You’re an incredible fool.”
Tsukasa, nipped by the comment, opened his mouth. “I told you-”
“You told me not to say ‘stupid’, I didn’t call you stupid, I called you a fool.” He mused, letting out a chuckle. Tsukasa however, would argue that they mean the same thing and Rui was splitting hairs.
“You’re not the only one who misses performing with everyone you know? We all do, and if we had the chance we would do it again. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard going back to solo pop up performances, or that it wasn’t lonely and there weren’t times where I wished the rest of you were there with me.”
Tsukasa felt the weight lift just a bit knowing that he wasn’t the only one who missed performing together. Even if it wasn’t entirely the same struggle just knowing that the times they shared as a group were not so easily discarded made him feel loads better.
“But you know, Tsukasa-kun. Even if we’re not there physically, that doesn’t mean we aren’t still supporting you. I, for one, am still looking forward to the day when I'll see your name as the lead on the cast list for a grand show. I’m sure the others are too.” Rui closed his eyes and thought for a bit before opening them again and looking at Tsukasa with a sparkle in his eye.
“How about we put on a show?” he says suddenly.
“..huh?” Caught off guard Tsukasa stared at him as if he had grown a second head or something.
“Yeah, let’s do it. We can even call it a reunion performance, I’d been wanting to practice my new found skills anyway~” Rui didn’t know exactly what to say to him to make it all go away, and that was okay. Honestly Tsukasa just appreciated the fact that Rui hadn’t completely made a joke out of him for feeling the way he did.
Tsukasa was about to ask if the man was out of his mind but before he could, the two that had been left behind in the theatre filed out with everyone else and Rui stood up to flag them down. Tsukasa stood up as well, only shuffling himself behind Rui as if he was trying to hide, after all his face was still a mess.
“Emu-kun, Nene, how do you feel about preparing a show?”
Both of them wore expressions of surprise at the question. Emu recovered first, eyes sparkling with a new fervor.
“Really!? That sounds amazing~! I can see if grandpa will let us borrow a stage if not, I just know Miku and Kaito will let us use the wonderland sekai. They were just talking about missing us the other day, you know? All of you need to visit more! Especially Tsukasa-kun!”
Tsukasa didn’t really know what to say to that, it was true that he hadn’t said hi to everyone in a long time, probably ever since he’d stopped performing. Maybe he would pay a visit at some point if he was feeling up to it. Regardless, it seemed like Emu was on board with Rui’s proposal. Nene seemed a bit nervous to reply.
“Uhm…I’ll have to make a request to the leader of my troupe but if possible I think it would be nice to perform with everyone again.”
“See, Tsukasa-kun? I think you’re outnumbered here.” He says looking over his shoulder.
Tsukasa had to admit that it was true, he was the only one hesitating about it. He opened his mouth to agree but instead he choked up, and instead of words all he did was cry. At first he didn’t understand why but it eventually hit him. They were going to perform…for the first time since graduating he would get to perform with everyone again.
“Tsukasa?!”
“Waaa! Tsukasa-kun is crying!”
It took a bit for them to calm him down, and afterwards on the way back to the station Tsukasa finally told them what he’d told Rui outside the theatre. It was a difficult conversation and he felt like Emu didn’t really get all of it but they seemed to care just as much as Rui did. He couldn’t help but feel better now that it was all off of his chest, and now they were discussing what to do for this big Reunion show Rui suggested…it really did feel like old times. Tsukasa normally wasn’t one for group hugs but the one they shared before parting for the night was warm enough to keep him going even in the worst weather.