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The first child had come to them when she was three weeks old. She was undersized: premature by a few weeks the paediatrician suspected, and so her first weeks outside in the big, cold world were spent in an incubator where she could be kept warm and all her vitals monitored. Her cries seemed loud at the time, but if they thought back on it she was much quieter than the child that came after. She grasped fingers or fabric in her tiny palms when they were in reach, or simply grasped and kicked at the air. She quieted the most when Oh-aew spoke to her in a soothing voice when she cried.
“She’s cooing,” Teh murmured one day when she began to emit a light gurgle while he was cradling and rocking her in his arms. Oh teased him for getting teary-eyed at her gurgles. Since his husband was too afraid, Oh-aew would administer her sponge baths in their kitchen sink while Teh acted as helper in propping up her neck. The ICU nurses had called her ‘Pat’, and so that was the nickname they used for her (though Aew insisted that it would have to be changed because the name didn’t suit her quite right).
They’d had her for just over a month when the agency contacted them and told them that Pat’s mother had changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. Oh-aew and Teh had wept quietly in their bed, curled around the other person. They understood: they also loved her and didn’t want to see her go after only a short time, so they could emphasize with the mother not being able to let her go.
It was devastating, and Teh threw himself into the first project he could come across: a film. The baby bassinet for their bedside Oh-aew dismantled himself, and when Teh saw it gone he asked: “Why don’t we have it anymore?”
“We do, Teh, I just put it away in storage. Don’t worry, there will be other babies to adopt.”
But, for months, there were no other babies. Not for them, anyway. Oh-aew kept a little striped onesie in the door of his bedside table. It smelled of baby-wash, and on nights Teh wasn’t home he took it out and pressed it to his face and inhaled before going to sleep.
Teh was one month away from the end of filming the movie when Oh-aew called him on the set to tell him that the agency had contacted them.
“Okay, I’ll fly home right now! What do we need to get ready?”
“Teh! Relax, the baby isn’t due for almost two months. The mom is young, and she only found out a few months ago.”
It was a two-month whirlwind; working nonstop so that they could have clearer schedules around and after the due-date, equipping their home and hearts for another little human to join their life. The heartbreak from Pat was still felt acutely by the husbands: the anticipation of getting a child…and the anticipation that the child could leave them again. Filming ran long, and Teh was home for no more than two nights before they were getting the call from the Agency to let them know that Shy was in the hospital and in labour.
“Is it early?” Aew anxiously spoke into the receiver, his eyes fixed on Teh who stood in front of him desperately trying to hear the whole conversation.
“They think Shy got pregnant a little earlier than they first suspected when she went in for her first check-up.” Oh-aew covered the receiver, repeating to Teh what he had just been told. “Okay, thank you so much. We’ll wait for your call.” He had barely hung up the phone when Teh enveloped his slender frame in a hug, pressing kisses to his cheek and temple. Oh wrapped his arms around Teh in return, feeling joyful butterflies in his tummy.
Two days later they were strapping their little baby, another girl, into her carseat. She came to them red-faced, with that new baby smell, and a few bottles of pumped breastmilk. The obstetrician who delivered her said it would help her a lot if she got to have all the real colostrum she could get over her first few days. She was the most healthy baby: chubby, kicking and grabbing, sucking heartily at every bottle she was offered. Oh-aew drove his little family back home, letting Teh sit in the back with tears streaming down his face as he beamed at the sleeping bundle strapped into the seat next to him. It was two weeks before they settled on a name for her, other names being tried out but then one of them would say: “No, that’s not her name”. She was a loud baby—quick to wail and quick to be soothed by a warm bottle. Teh finally felt confident enough to give her sponge baths under Aew’s supervision, and when she was dried and re-diapered, and her little limbs gently coaxed back into a onesie Teh would hold her against his shoulder while he cupped her little head. Oh-aew would stand behind him, holding her hands and making faces at her.
“After we put her to bed, can you give me a sponge bath?” Oh whispered in his husband’s ear.
Their sleep schedule was a royal mess, so one night at 4 am when she had just fallen asleep in Oh-aew’s arms after emitting the most ear splitting wails to ever escape such a tiny being, Oh turned to Teh who was wrapped around him, his chest against the older man’s back and his chin resting on the other’s shoulder to look at their sleeping daughter.
“กะทิ,” Oh murmured.
Teh looked deeply into Oh-aew’s brown eyes, resting his face in the crook of his husband’s neck and inhaling his scent as though he could get high off of it; he glanced down again at the little girl who was sucking on her own thumb.
“I think Kati is the perfect name for her,” said Teh, pulling Kati and Oh closer to him.
Kati was a Daddy’s girl. ‘Daddy’ being Teh. He could soothe her in half the time of her other father. She cooed and smiled for him before she did for Oh-aew; one day she let out the most delighted (and delightful sounding, to her parents’ ears) giggle while Teh was on the floor playing with her.
“Did you just laugh!?” He grinned at her, pulling a face and clapping with amusement. She laughed again—actually, it was more of a cross between a laugh and a squeal—; before putting her hands together to try and imitate his movements.
“You’re Daddy’s best girl, but we have to show Papa later when he’s done with his meeting.” He leaned over to kiss her head. Her dark hair was starting to thicken now.
“It’s so unfair that you get to witness first everything,” Oh-aew scowled “It’s because Daddy sing’s to you, isn’t it? Yeah, that got me too.” He told his daughter as he walked around the kitchen, bouncing her on his hip while Teh made them dinner.
When she moved out of her bassinet beside their bed and into her room with a crib, Teh was up every night when she inevitably started crying somewhere between 1-3 AM. If Oh-aew got up with Teh and went to Kati while Teh was heating up her formula, she would scream even louder when she saw her papa, and as soon as she saw Teh she would outstretch her arms to him.
“Kati, you cruel little girl; why do you only like me during the daytime?” Oh-aew teased as he pressed light kisses on her silky, black hair as she suckled from her bottle. On nights when Oh was tired, or when he had a presentation the next day, Teh would get up alone and walk around the house humming to Kati until she quieted and calmed. Sometimes Oh-aew would find his husband gone when he woke up, and he, without fail, always found him asleep in a moderately comfy chair in Kati’s room; his head tilted precariously and their daughter asleep on his chest, in his arms.
“My neck hurts so much today,” Teh would complain.
“Probably because you slept like this,” his husband would retort, imitating how he’d found him that morning: a crooked neck, mouth open, and closed eyes. Teh would just kiss him when he did that, and Oh-aew would scrunch up his face as though he were disgusted before leaning in to return the kiss. They argued over what sunhat she should wear, or what lullaby to sing her at bedtime (Teh always wanted to sing her Chinese ones his mom had sung to him; “That’s too difficult, you’re too much sometimes,” Oh-aew would pout). Oh-aew spent three weekdays at the office, the rest he could work from home. On the days he worked, he arrived at home just in time to wake Kati up from her late afternoon ‘cat nap’. She was creeping, and then right after a work presentation, Aew’s phone pinged and there was a video Teh had sent of her crawling. Teh and Oh would lay in their bed with the volume on the baby monitor turned up so they could listen to her babbling before she fell asleep.
“It hurts.” Oh voiced.
“What does?”
“Loving Kati this much.” he reached out to grasp Teh’s hand in his own.
“Oh, that. Yes, it does hurt.”
She cried when Hoon held her for the first time. Her mouth wide open in a wail, Hoon looking a bit amused and offended, and Oh-aew standing next to him trying to soothe his baby while she clasps his finger. Ma Sui has the picture saved in a photo album of her grandchildren. Once they can leave Kati alone with a babysitter all day Teh starts accepting work schedules—but only if they’re during the day and he can be home before 9pm.
“Maybe we should get a nanny? We should interview a few,” Oh-aew suggests one night.
“I’d rather just work less,” said Teh, “Kati will only grow up once, and I don’t want to miss it.” They go to Phuket as a family in the autumn, and Kati has her first Grandparents Only weekend—no Papa or Daddy. Teh and Oh bash around their hometown as if they’re nothing more than a couple of recklessly in love teenagers. After their weekend of frolicking, Kati is waiting for them in her crib at the resort. She has pulled herself up to standing, holding onto the bars for support while she reaches one hand through the bars towards her fathers when she sees them.
“She looked around and got right up when she heard your voices down the hall.” Aew’s mom exclaimed.
“Did you, my darling? We missed you,” Oh-aew praised as he lifted Kati out of her crib, sniff-kissing her as he held her close.
“Papa,” Kati spoke, almost as if she were replying. His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth but he could only speechlessly gaze in adoration at his daughter in his arms.
“Kati, did you just say ‘Papa’!” Teh beamed, “You’re right; this is Papa!” he continued, pointing to Oh-aew who could do nothing more than grin. Kati giggled at her daddy, shyly hiding her face in Oh’s shirt.
Kati’s second word was not ‘dada’ or anything even close; it was their neighbours’ dog’s name. She was up to 16 words before she said ‘daddy’—and it wasn’t even to Teh’s face: they overheard her on the monitor one morning before her official wake-up time talking (babbling, mostly) to herself. Teh tried to rush into her room, but Oh-aew grabbed his wrist, tugging his husband back into their kitchen.
“Don’t, you’ll mess up the schedule.”
“Ppshh, schedule;” pouted Teh, “she’s calling for me Oh! Can’t you hear her—“ they listened to the baby monitor for a couple seconds, which sat next to where Oh-aew had Teh pinned against the counter. Kati was not saying “Daddy” anymore, she was simply speaking gibberish—it also sounded like she might have been mumbling with half of her fingers in her mouth.
“Nope, I don’t hear her calling you,” Aew teased, scrunching up his face and leaning into Teh. The actor’s puppy-dog eyes making an appearance before he tenderly pressed his forehead against Oh’s. Oh-aew’s teasing expression melted as he felt Teh relaxing against his body, letting his head drop to the crook of Oh’s neck.
“Thank you,” Teh mumbled into the collar of Aew’s shirt.
“For what?”
“For sharing your life with me.”
Kati was a late walker. Oh-aew would stand her holding onto the couch, walk a couple of steps and ask her to “Come to Papa; walk to Papa, Kati!” Her response was always either to climb onto the couch or to sit down and crawl either: 1) to Oh-aew, or 2) away from Oh-aew.
“She’ll walk when she’s ready, Oh.” Teh reminded him. “Besides, when she’s walking we’ll never know peace!”
But even not yet walking Kati made sure to keep her Daddy on his feet when he watched her now: she climbed on to everything. The arms of chairs or sofas; once he left her in the high hair while he went to get her more cut up strawberries and when he returned she had somehow gotten free from her chair and crawled onto the kitchen table. She still had a wonderful appetite, but only if she could feed herself. Teh took to giving her a quick bath after each meal because of how sticky her hands, forearms and face would become.
“We need to get a dog just so it can clean up the floor around where Kati eats.” Teh told Oh-aew over the phone one night while Oh was on a business trip. She fought and cried when it came time for her teeth to be brushed during her bedtime bath; she wanted to hold her toothbrush, but once she had it grasped in her fist she would refuse to actually brush her teeth. One bedtime story always became three if her daddy was putting her to bed, bedtime with Papa usually consisted of him reading until Kati fell asleep and then he would keep reading to her quietly until his eyelids also drifted close.
Teh had something to film in another province, and during the nights he was away Aew took Kati into their bed to let her sleep, after throwing all the pillows to the floor. He’d wake up with a slightly stiff neck, but the little sleeping face next to him was worth it. One day when Oh-aew got home from work the babysitter said “Kati has a surprise for you!”, and his daughter was walking, albeit a bit wobbly. It was a bittersweet feeling—he was so proud and he could feel his chest swelling in adoration that he had for his little girl, but also torn because she was growing up so fast. And, to boot, he and Teh had missed it. He would get to see Kati teeter around, but Teh wouldn’t be home before Kati was asleep so he wouldn’t see it until tomorrow. Kati walked to Oh-aew now, clutching his leg for support before lifting her arms and saying “Up”. He felt tears prick his eyes at Kati’s affirmation that yes, she still needed him; even if she could get around on her own two feet. They said “bye-bye” to the babysitter and Oh wished her a safe journey home before he settled down with Kati for the evening. Teh didn’t complain or joke about the ‘firsts’ he missed, and despite being an actor he always hid his disappointment badly.
They went hiking on a weekend, and the photo of the three of them was framed and hung in their hallway: Teh hugging Oh-aew from behind, and Kati in the carrier on Teh’s back with her little hands clasping at her daddy’s shirt. “It’s a family back-hug.” Teh fondly chimed. They would say “I love you” to Kati when they put her to bed, and Teh started saying it to his husband every night, too.
Soon Kati’s age wasn’t put down in months anymore: she was two, and she didn’t fight getting her teeth brushed, and she cried when leaving her favourite places, and she was frequently stringing 2-3 word phrases together, and she ran around their yard, and she loved responding to everything with “no”. They caught her on baby-cam trying to climb out of her crib, and after a long day of childproofing everything in the house, Kati was ready to move out of her crib and into a big-kid bed. She was a sound sleeper, except for the occasional nightmare that would wake Kati up as well as (often both) of her parents. Kati had definite favourite bedtime stories, and she was growing out of shoes and clothes. She even managed to outgrow her rain boots before the rainy season even came.
“I can’t return them, I already took the tags off.” Oh-aew groaned as he placed them back on their shoe rack (that was disproportionately filled with children’s footwear, most of it outgrown).
“I think we should just keep the rain boots,” Teh said that night when Oh came out from the bathroom and was crawling into bed.
“Why, do you plan on making use of them?” Oh retorted dryly. Teh didn’t say anything; he just pulled a small item from behind his back: a onesie. A newborn onesie, to be exact; Kati’s yellow and pink striped one that had been Oh’s favourite. Teh laid it out carefully on their bed. Their eyes met, Oh’s stern and Teh’s wide-eyed and hopeful. Oh-aew’s expression was an act: he actually felt breathless and giddy at what Teh was probably proposing.
“Are you telling me that you’re pregnant?” He joked.
“I miss this little size, don’t you? Look how cute—“ Teh danced the onesie in front of Oh, pulling a bashful smile from the other man. “I just think there’s a little baby out there, or maybe about to soon be born, that we could love so much and take care of and raise…and love.” Teh was smiling…and crying, clasping Oh’s hands in his own with the little onesie trapped between their fingers.
“You said ‘love’ twice,” Aew said, a tear slipping down his cheek, but he smiled fondly at his husband. “Okay,” he nodded.
“Really!?” Teh exclaimed, trying to blink away his happy tears.
“Really,”