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“No” Tauriel mumbled, unable to voice any other reaction. Her vision couldn’t seem to focus as she drew closer and closer.
The dwarf lay on a puddle of his blood, the destroyed gambeson concealing the wound directly above his heart. As she approached him with a pain in her chest, his mother’s rune weighed heavy in her pocket. Tauriel, at last, looked upon Kíli’s face and fell to her knees at the sight of his blank stare.
“No” she felt her vision darken as the toll of the battle finally set in. She fell on her side and struggled to reach across to the dwarf’s outstretched hand.
Tauriel shot up, her brow damp with sweat, her throat dry. She kicked her legs out from the bed and leaned forward, trying to catch her breath. The bedchamber was lit in moonlight and starlight, and the sight of clear night skies managed to soothe her enough that she stood and walked across the room.
The water in the silver basin was cold, but she gladly welcomed the refreshment. The mirror revealed the wrinkles of concern on her brow. The elf shook her head and took a deep breath, trying to relax.
“Tauriel?”
She glanced toward their bed where Kíli lay barely awake, rubbing his eyes.
“It’s alright,” the elf spoke softly, walking back “it was just a dream. Sleep.” she said, almost as much to herself as to him. She sat with her back turned to him and looked at her hands. They still tingled with the cold from the mountain and she couldn’t seem to shake the feeling.
Tauriel felt the dwarf’s warm hand caress her bare shoulder and a chill traveled through her whole body. She instinctively turned to him and found a very tired Kíli looking at her through hazy eyes.
“You are a dreadful liar, my darling” he uttered sleepily. His rough, low voice made her smile and Tauriel sat on her ankles by his side, hesitating. “Tell me.” he settled back onto the pillows and ran his fingers through her hair.
“The Lonely Mountain” she muttered, touching the scar his chest.
“Oh,” Tauriel found it hard to support his intense gaze and directed her attention to his bare chest. He held her hand over the old wound and leaned on one elbow, shortening the distance between them. “I’m here.” She felt his heart pounding, strong, obstinate, stubborn, and she smiled.
“You are.”
“And here I’ll stay”
Tauriel studied Kíli intently. While his hands caressed her skin, his mouth was carved into a smirk. His dark, tired eyes were fixed on her, but moved ever so slightly as he observed a different part of her face, moving from her eyes to her lips, to her nose, to her lips…
And with a sigh, she kissed him as if for the first time. His beard tickled her face and his rough hands brought shivers as they gently grazed her smooth skin. The warmth from his soft lips against hers was enough to shake the cold of the mountain and the ghost of what had passed.
“My lady,” he spoke hoarsely with a smile on his lips “you are far away. Come back to me.”
“I loved you” her words came out as a sigh “Even then, I loved you.” Tauriel lingered over him, taking in the closeness.
“You said nothing at the time” Kíli kissed her neck and she shivered as never before.
“Because I knew what awaited me.” she spoke quietly “I knew the second I allowed you into my heart there you would remain. Even long after…”
“What is this?” the young dwarf furrowed his brow, trying to read her tone.
“How could I give you my love knowing one day I wouldn’t?”
“What is time” he began, theatrically “to those who love?” Tauriel rolled her eyes and smiled as he went on. “How much is enough time to share with the one you have lived to find?” he traced the curves of her back with his hand, eventually stopping to pull her closer “A hundred years is a lifetime. To share a hundred years with you would be a blessing. To have the gift of you by my side every day, getting to love you, cherish you… to me, that is nothing less than heaven. All else is secondary to the fact I love you and am loved by you, always.” He sat up and took her chin in his hand “But I know it can never be ‘enough’. Because ‘always’ will go on for you.” Her shy smile vanished but before she could look away he gently rested his hand on her cheek, reassuring. “It hurts you, my love? It hurts me just the same. Believe me that it is not an easy thing to ask you to open your heart to me knowing I must one day break it. This is the reason I must love you now. And love you every instant after that, with every breath in my body, with every beat of my heart. So that one day, when I am gone… you will have had enough of me for a lifetime.”
The tears she had felt accumulating never fell and she found a timid smile slowly appearing on her lips. His words had always sounded like poetry to her, but this was different, more melodic, more pure, more true. It was a symphony. She took his face between her hands and kissed him gently before adding:
“Rather too much in my opinion”
Kíli let out a hearty laugh as he sat back towards the foot of the bed, filling the room with the melodious sound.
“Oh but this is precisely why, my dear, I must pester you so much”
“You do it for my benefit, do you?”
“Of course! Why else would I do it?”
“Could it not be because you enjoy watching me become progressively more annoyed at your irritating blather?”
“Please, my blather is what earned me my conquest”
“Conquest?” she inquired, narrowing her eyes.
“My lovely, powerful, beautiful elven maiden” he raised his hands in defeat and slowly approached.
“Yes?” she teased.
“Who has returned to me a purpose by having me as her humble and dedicated servant” he kissed her hands and she pushed him to the side.
“Rather too much indeed”
“I offer nothing more than the absolute truth”
“Kíli” she censored.
“Tauriel” he pleaded, kissing her forehead before realizing she had once again lowered her gaze “Do you doubt that you have given me new life?”
“I feel I have given you nothing at all.” She took his hand and clasped it between hers. “I have never longed for the future more than when I knew you to love me, even knowing I must one day let you go. And yet—"
“From the moment I fell in love my life was lived for you.” He interrupted, emphatically. “I was on a quest, true. For home and kin I fought on, but there could never be a fair choice. It would always be you. You have already given me the greatest of gifts and that was the chance to love you with all my heart, for as long as I live”
“And now that I have I can never let you go”
“Is that a promise?”
She smiled and pushed him down with a kiss. Resting her head on his chest, she made an effort to remember every detail. The smell of smoke on his hair, the warmth of his skin, the tenderness in his touch. At that moment an uneasy feeling gripped Tauriel’s stomach. She held her love tighter, afraid he would slip through her fingers if she weren’t strong enough.
“Why does this feel like goodbye?” she heard herself ask.
“I can never be far from you… since you have just vowed to never let me go” the dwarf answered sleepily, grinning.
“It is far beyond my reach now. For as long as I live I will never know peace” he laughed at her remark and hugged her a little tighter.
“Have I robbed you of your peace?” his tone was amused.
“You have.”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
“No. I will resent you forever” Tauriel smiled, drawing shapes on his chest with her fingertips. His hand clasped hers for a moment and his voice changed.
“Then I shall haunt you forever” his low tone resounded in her ears, and she couldn’t help but smile.
“Is that your promise?”
His fingers caressed hers and she could feel him there, next to her, the sun rising behind him and blinding her. She closed her eyes, hearing the quiet dawn behind the parlor, feeling the cold morning chill pass her by. Even the sun seemed cold, glowing white from all directions, the breeze stiffening as it flowed by.
Tauriel stopped resisting and allowed herself to be taken by sleep, growing more and more distant, falling away from their safe home and into the cold bright light. The wind blew louder past her ears. Her warm fingers grew colder and colder. She felt herself heavier and heavier and at last, she woke.
And he was there. Where he had fallen. Where he had given her his life – and she gave him nothing at all.