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It was a shiver that caught his attention. It was such a little thing to have caused Dazai to stir but he was a chronically light sleeper, so it wasn’t unexpected. He loved Kunikida but dear god was he a pain to sleep next to. His unconscious imagination was about a billion times more active than his conscious one and, even in his sleep, it seemed the man never really rested. He’d murmur and toss and turn. Almost every time he did he’d wake Dazai. And well, it was something Dazai could complain about for a millennium. But it wasn’t as if he really minded. He’d never give up the opportunity to lie next to Kunikida. Truthfully, he’d give up sleep for life if it guaranteed Kunikida would love him just for a moment. But he was lucky enough to have Kunikida love him always. And so that sacrifice was not needed. He did, however, voluntarily give up sleep the moment he decided his craving for closeness extended to his own subconscious. Because of course, it wasn’t enough for him to be by Kunikida’s side throughout the entire day — he had to take advantage of the hours that no one else was gifted enough to witness. And that meant he’d lie next to him while he slept violently, even if it meant Dazai didn’t sleep much himself.
Honestly, it was probably just the law of equivalent exchange. He made Kunikida’s days fairy unbearable on purpose. Kunikida deserved to inflict upon Dazai’s nights. That was fair. And so, when Kunikida’s shiver woke Dazai, he did not complain. He simply rolled over to face his troublesome partner and decided it was time to take pleasure in watching his face contort and emote while his eyes all but opened. Sleeplessness be damned, Kunikida was much cuter asleep than he was awake. Though he was pretty cute when he was awake too, Dazai had to admit.
Though tonight the expression his dear partner wore was uncomfortable, to say the least. He was panicked. And the increased pace of his breathing indicated perhaps the things he was dreaming of weren’t so pleasant. Dazai’s hand brushed over Kunikida’s cheek. Hot to the touch. And sweat had gotten the hairs that were loose from his braid sticking to his forehead. The poor man was having a nightmare. And Dazai didn’t know how to proceed.
He thought about his own nightmares and what they entailed. And he considered it might be best to wake Kunikida before the worst of it. But he thought that might be too jarring for him maybe. And he swore he read something about not waking people? Perhaps that was just sleepwalkers? Or perhaps it was nothing at all and he remembered entirely falsely. His tired head wasn’t at its most high functioning. No, he definitely shouldn’t wake him. The nightmares are scary but they’re not real. Reality is. If he is brought back to reality too suddenly, maybe he’d hurt himself by accident. Maybe Dazai would get hurt. Kunikida couldn’t deal with that. But even so, Dazai struggled to deal with witnessing his partner struggling like that without assisting. He prayed he’d wake up soon so he could provide the comfort he needed. He prayed the worst of it would be over. He hoped he was doing the right thing.
A pained sob left Kunikida’s mouth. And then he woke up panting. He sat up suddenly, mumbling something Dazai could only interpret as his own name.
“Dazai!” Kunikida shouted, “Osamu…” he sobbed.
“Hey, I’m right here!” Dazai assured him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Kunikida’s head snapped towards the owner of the hand that attempted to comfort him. Teary eyes cleared upon seeing the silhouette he was so familiar with.
“Dazai?” It was so uncertain.
“I’m here… I’m right here. See?”
And suddenly Kunikida leapt at him, practically tackling him as his arms wrapped around the bandaged man. Dazai felt his lungs struggle for air and his insides move like the stuffing of a soft toy when it got squeezed too hard in one place. Kunikida wasn’t shy about being rough with him but this didn’t feel like a purposeful display of his strength. Because Dazai felt how his entire body shook around him. This was a desperate attempt to cling to reality. Dazai’s hands quickly began holding Kunikida too. One hand holding his head to his chest, the other rubbing soothing circles into his back. He could feel his chest dampening. Tears. Kunikida was crying. He’d woken up in the middle of the night, sobbing as he mumbled Dazai’s name. Dazai could guess what the nightmare was about with high accuracy. He didn’t want to think about it. But there weren’t many other things that would elicit such a response from Kunikida.
“Are you really here? Are you really okay?” Kunikida’s sobs only reinforced Dazai’s theory.
“I’m fine, love… I’m right here with you… I’m in your arms and you’re in mine. Everything’s okay. I’m okay.”
“Really? You’re really okay?”
“Perfectly okay… There’s nothing to worry about. You just had a bad dream, dear… It’s okay.”
Kunikida was still shaking. But the painful sobs had ceased. Eventually, his grip on Dazai had lessened and his head lifted, to look Dazai in the eye. He poked at Dazai’s face for a bit before he eventually landed in a gentle caress. There was recognition in his eyes. He could see Dazai’s sleepy face smile back at him. And that was enough. That was enough to assure him that his dream really was just a dream.
“You’re alive…” Kunikida sighed in relief.
“Mhmm… Alive and well…”
“Thank goodness…” said Kunikida, “I thought you’d — I saw you… You…” he couldn’t finish the thought.
“I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“No, you don’t control my head, it wasn’t your fault.”
“No, I know that… I just mean… If you had any partner other than me, you wouldn’t have to worry about that as much, would you?”
“Shut up… I’m just glad it was a dream…”
“Yeah… me too…”
Kunikida couldn’t help but lean forward and kiss his partner. Yet another reminder to himself that Dazai really was okay. Dazai happily obliged, accommodating him easily.
“Kunikida, my love?”
“Yes?”
“You’re um… crushing me just a little bit,” Dazai wheezed.
He didn’t mind the sensation of Kunikida on top of him like this but he was afraid his body did mind.
“I’m sorry!” Kunikida frantically rolled off of him, “I wasn’t thinking.”
Dazai chuckled a little bit, “It’s okay…”
“Can I um… Can I still hold you?” Kunikida asked, nervously.
“As if you’d need to ask,” said Dazai, scooting ever so slightly closer so that Kunikida’s arms could reach him.
Kunikida still held him tightly. But this time it was with the knowledge that Dazai was alright and not with the fear that he was not.
“I’m sorry for waking you,” he whispered, “I love you so much.”
“No need for apologies… Just continue to hold me close…” said Dazai, “I love you more than you know.”
Kunikida pushed his lips into the top of Dazai’s head, making Dazai smile.
“I um… I’m really glad you’re still here…” Kunikida whispered.
Dazai’s smile faded just a little bit, “I’m… glad I’m still here too…”
He didn’t know if he was telling the truth. He was certain it wasn’t a lie. Because right now, here, in Kunikida’s arms, he was happy. His happiness never lasted though. For all the times he’d felt that maybe life was worth willing there were an infinite amount of times he didn’t. But Kunikida didn’t need to hear this. Not now. And if it were up to Dazai: Not ever. Because the man who held him so tightly didn’t deserve a partner like Dazai. He didn’t deserve the burden of loving the suicidal maniac. Kunikida deserved someone who didn’t have to promise that they’d be there in the morning. He deserved someone who didn’t make him panic when a call went unanswered. He deserved someone who didn’t need him to love them to make up for the amount they hated themselves. As apologetic as Dazai always would be… Kunikida still chose him. Or didn’t choose but… Kunikida loved him. Whether he deserved it or not, the reality was, he was cursed and that was that. And maybe Dazai hoped that one day, loving him would be easy. And it wouldn’t be a curse but a blessing. As fantastical as it was, he couldn’t stop holding onto the hope that maybe one day it really would be true. How silly for him to be wanting something better. Optimism — Idealism… Those were Kunikida’s things. But he was sure Kunikida wouldn’t mind sharing. Because he was good like that. He was so good… So good…
And with that, Dazai too drifted off to sleep.