Chapter Text
I am Barbara Howard, woman of God.
Barbara was a child when she first realized she was different from the other girls, she didn't want to marry a prince, why would she? The princesses were always so much prettier just like she thought every girl was prettier than any boy she ever met. However, all of her friends did, they all wanted princes to save them, so she faked every time she had to listen to any of them talk about how said boy was handsome.
One time, when she was 13, her mom said she would find a good man one day and marry him when she was old enough, promptly she asked if maybe she could find a good girl.
That was the first time she saw her mom out of words. As a matter of fact her mom didn't say anything at all for a long time, just shook her head,made a negative sound and refused to look at her.
Later that same day, her mom told her to never tell that to anyone and that girls could only find a good man to get married to. She didn't understand why what she said was wrong, but she still kept her mouth shut and didn't talk about that for a long time.
They went from going to church every Sunday to going to church every given opportunity after that day. Her mom would come to her room every night to pray for her and ask God to straighten up her ways.
“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.” She heard them saying. How loving someone the same sex as you would lead you straight to hell. She never understood how loving someone was a bad thing. Wasn’t love the only thing that could save us?
Wasn’t God love?
She regretted asking her mom that question every day of her life.
°°°
She never had the word abomination said directly at her, but she felt that way more often than not. Her mom never said it to her, but made it clear she shouldn't be herself, that she should lie.
She threw herself at church, and got involved in every activity.
Her first kiss was a boy, she was 15 and didn't want to be the only one not having kissed anyone so they kissed under the bleachers before class.
She felt nothing.
They dated for three months after that. She thanked god he had to move to another state.
Throughout that three months she'd cry herself to sleep every night, she asked God to make her like him. She asked why He made her like that.
She got no answer.
If she was completely honest she would hate God more times than love Him because it didn't matter what she did, or how hard she tried, she would always catch herself looking at girls during service or at school. She'd have a crush on the pastor's daughter or the girl down the street.
She would pray mornings, afternoons and nights. She would go on periods of fasting. She would faith promise to stop eating chocolate if God made her normal.
Nothing worked.
She learned to love teaching in church, that was her best time there, her silver lining. To teach kids God's love – even if most times she didn't feel it herself. She tried to teach them to be kind and to love themselves first and foremost, only then they could feel the love of God through them.
°°°
She met Gerald Howard when she was 19, when she was in college. He was funny and always tried to charm her, they became fast friends. She knew he was interested in more but she wasn't and he didn't push.
She also met Rita around that time. She was a social studies student and they clicked. Barbara had a big crush on her, sometimes she would stunter and drop things because they were too close.
They kissed once, when they were both drunk and Rita confessed she liked Barbara. "I like, LIKE you, Barbara."
Barbara was so happy, she never felt this happy. Kissing a girl was a different experience than she ever had before. It was everything her friends described but better. Just softness.
It also made her panic.
Leviticus 18:22
It is an abomination.
Barbara pretended the kiss never happened. They were drunk after all. Rita stopped talking to her after that. She cried for a month.
She also started seeing Gerald more and ended up marrying him: "He is a good man." her mom said with a smile on her face.
Barbara's smile faded right away.
Gerald was indeed a good man, he cherished her and pampered her at any given opportunity. She got pregnant not once, but twice. Marcus and Taylor, her reasons to believe in God's love.
°°°
She started to teach at Abbott Elementary when she was 25 and struggled to find herself but she did, and after that she loved every minute – not every minute, but you got it.
She was 30 when Melissa started to teach there, the new 2nd grade teacher. She was fresh out of college, she had a fresh but guarded smile and Barbara felt drawn to her – and her motorcycle style.
She would stare more often than not, Melissa was free and everyone was scared of her but that didn’t make them love her any less. Of course, Barbara wasn't afraid of her – not for the same reasons anyways. They became friends once Melissa caught her staring and asked what she was staring at and Barbara's only answer was: "I like your pendant." Melissa explained her mom gave her that necklace when she left for college, to make sure she was looked after, protected.
She rolled her eyes but she still had it. A tiny cross.
After that they'd talk about everything, Melissa met Gerald and the kids. They'd go out for drinks and karaoke nights. Melissa would spend Sundays with them, helping her in the kitchen, talking to her as they watched her kids playing in the backyard.
Gerald loved Melissa, they'd talk about sports and they'd play poker some Sundays. Actually all the Howard household loved Melissa Schemmenti, Barbara was pretty sure Marcus had a quick crush on Melissa and Taylor was so happy to have someone to play tea party with her. She enchanted every single one of them.
°°°
At Taylor's birthday party Melissa got there with a huge teddy bear. Barbara didn't expect to see her there. She invited her, of course, but not every teacher wants to spend their weekend surrounded by kids, and she had dropped by the day before to give the birthday girl a kiss and give her a cupcake for a wish at midnight.
Melissa's sappy that way – don't tell anyone.
That was the first time Barb's mom met Melissa. Abigail didn't like her at all. "Who's that white woman hugging your family?" Melissa was laughing at some joke Gerald told her after hugging her and that was the first thing Abigail said when she saw Melissa.
Barbara ignored and went straight to them (to her) like a magnet. She needed Melissa's hug as a reward for spending all day with her mother.
Melissa didn't care or didn't listen to every sarcastic comment Barbara's mom threw her way. She helped Barbara and played with the kids.
Barbara however did care and paid attention to everything her mother said as well as confronted her. The only thing her mom said was: "I'm your mother, Barbara Howard. I know you."
And even though Barbara didn't do anything with Melissa and they were just friends, she still could hear the word abomination in her head – she did think about it sometimes, how it would be like to kiss Melissa, to play with her red hair, to lay on top of her and listen to her heart beating, her breathing.
You shall not…
°°°
It was a Friday night after hours, when they kissed for the first time. The school was nearly empty and she was helping the redhead clean her classroom after a teacher/parent conference. They weren’t drunk, after spending the whole day at school, they were just tired. They were flirting casually as they’ve all done when they were alone and Melissa kissed her and she kissed her back, without any hesitation, she’s been dreaming about this moment for years.
She could see Melissa’s panic in her eyes and before she could apologize, Barbara kissed her again. and again. and again.
Her mind, for the first time in years, was quiet.
“Please, don’t apologize.” Barbara said as she touched her face and gave her one last peck on Melissa's lip before leaving. She could still feel Mel's lips, how she smiled in the second kiss. How her eyes remained closed when she left.
Maybe this was one of those dreams she's been having since the first year she met Melissa.