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when you trail your fingers at the beautifully crisp papers that compose a book, it gives a rather satisfying sensation when you see blocks after blocks of words decorating the blank and plain pages.
a collection of words to tell a story that is written in empty pages; that's the essence of what a book is. and to be honest, people always applaud stories that end with a happy ending, one way or another. realistically speaking, who would take on a story that ends in tragedy over something that ends with a genuinely concrete happy ending?
satori has developed a habit of losing his own train of thoughts as soon as he cracks open a book. sighing, he looks back up at the clock against the blue-green painted wall, the numbers of the current time glaring back at him. 11pm.
he looks out the window as the rain poured relentlessly, in large drops from the dark sky of the night. he sighs and sits up to place the book back from where it belonged from the shelf. he glances to his side, gazing at the sleeping figure of the man who asked him to stay the night in his dorm room.
getting up from his blanket on the floor of the room, he reaches to pull up the blanket over to the other male's sleeping body. exhaling heavily, he carefully and soundlessly looked over his peaceful face and sighs at the trail of the dried up tears that were visible on his cheek. satori sat back down on the floor, watching over wakatoshi's back.
"are those tears that you never show to anyone but me supposed to make me feel special?"
but his whispers reach no one's ears.
it's untouched territory to be this close to shiratorizawa's shining star player, ushijima wakatoshi. besides the fact that he's the big shot of miyagi prefecture when it comes to a skill set he uses during volleyball matches, he's also from a prominent family. and as if that wasn't enough, ushijima wakatoshi tops it all up with an untouchable-like personality that makes it difficult for people to approach him.
however, tendou satori knows better. being branded as a freak or scary by his own peers back in his younger years, satori has gotten used to being the sore thumb that stuck out among people his age. thus, meeting ushijima was a refreshing change to his eyes.
"do you seriously like vegetables that much?" he had commented one time back when they were in their freshmen year as he watched the larger male slowly eat his lunch. satori leans his face on one palm, making a face at the amount of healthy food piled on wakatoshi's tray. the other male looks up chewing, "mhm." he responds nonchalantly before returning to his meal. thus, that conversation was the start of the incredibly uncanny friendship that blossomed between them.
unlike how most people would perceive him, satori thought wakatoshi was actually a simple guy to get along with. passionate yet gentle, that's how he seems to him. everyone's just too scared to take the first step but the guy is one hell of a softie outside of the court.
if you ask tendou satori what he likes doing best with his best bud, he'd probably answer this in a heartbeat.
he inhales the night's lightly cold breeze, he turns to his right to watch ushijima's expression. instead of saying anything, he looks up to the dark sky and begins to wonder how many times have they been out here at night.
ushijima has always been the type to never vent. he usually opts to stay silent about the things that frustrates him or the conflicting feelings that he harbors in his heart. and at some point, whenever he'd need some time to calm himself, satori would find him knocking on his dorm room door, asking if satori wanted to take a walk outside.
'the sky looks a lot darker tonight,' satori noted to himself before sighing and looking back to where he was walking.
"dad called today."
that surprised him. it made him jump a little because he turned his head too fast towards the other male's direction, his steps halting. usually, it'd take some prodding before the other male would open up to him. to tendou, he always tries to ask about things carefully, giving ushijima some space to breathe and vent lightly. these walks aren't for tendou to pry about his troubles but more like to help him be able to release the pent up frustration he has always swallowed.
it came as a really big surprise that the other male offered to speak before he could even attempt anything. thus, taking a moment before responding, satori clears his throat. "yeah? what'd he say?" he asked softly.
wakatoshi walked towards the bench and sat. wordlessly, satori took the space beside him and looked out into the view of the night. "he just said i did well," wakatoshi says, however, there was something else in the tone of his voice.
he waited.
"my mom wouldn't even call me after i told her we lost to karasuno today." he continued. "my parents really do have different views. no wonder they divorced." wakatoshi said as if it was no big deal, looking down as he sat silently beside him.
that's one thing that pains satori. the man everyone thought to be perfect, applauded for being the ushijima's shining son isn't who they thought he was. to satori, this boy right here grew up trying to catch up to the ever growing expectations of his rich family; the same family his father escaped from when they divorced.
what people thought to be a glamorous life, it turned out to be a life full of restrictions. that kind of life turned an innocent young boy into this standoff-ish guy that kept people at a distance. because he thought they'd just pile on more pressure on the heavy shoulders he already has.
despite being shunned by his own friends when he was a child, tendou satori at least had his family to turn to. born in such a loving and happy family that cherished him as much as people hated him, satori feels lucky. which is probably why his heart has always ached for his friend.
the friend that had it the complete opposite of his childhood.
honestly, even worse than just the opposite.
watching him like this reminded satori of the number of times they sat at this same spot, carefully threading a thin line through wakatoshi's heart. trying to stay still and listen closely to the words wakatoshi desperately wanted to get out of his mouth but couldn't.
if he was being honest, he knew he shouldn't have spoiled the male like this. he shouldn't have lended his ears too often. they shouldn't have had this routine. satori should have put a stop before he got used to it.
satori should have stopped before he fell in love with him.
saying that today was full of surprises was an understatement. even to satori, he cannot wrap his head around the idea that their team lost; not after years of reigning over the high school volleyball tournaments.
but it did remind him that all things must come to an end. all good things that come one's way will always have something taken in return. he scoffs as he walks to his dorm room after being out on a walk with wakatoshi.
he's in his third year.
it's their last year being in the same team, being stuck in the same four walls of the gymnasium and the last year for them to be staying in the same dorm building. the door clicks open and he pushes past it, then closes it before leaning his back against its cold surface.
satori has always been a mischievous little fuck, like everyone who knows him would say. he enjoys the teasing banters, the mischievous pokes of fun and most of all, he enjoys pissing people off; especially their competitors.
however, behind closed doors, satori's just the same like everyone. he's not mr. sunshine 24/7. he too has his own hours where he's not the naughty middle blocker that everyone laughs along with. he's always been admired by everyone with his skills in volleyball, although people would still get scared of him from time to time, people generally see the good in satori better now.
but most of all, they applaud satori for befriending the great ushijima wakatoshi so easily like it's a piece of cake.
sure, he could take pride in that.
no.
he does take pride in the fact that wakatoshi seeks him out when the boy needs to take off the perfect facade of his features. satori relishes in the feeling of knowing the boy more than any other person out there.
sat on the soft mattress of his bed, he clutched the bottle of water in his hand and proceeded to sip the cold water, welcoming the relief that it provided on his throat. despite the relief, his mind was still heavy with thoughts.
thoughts that he knew would later on make him feel incredibly woeful.
because it's not true that he's the only one who knows wakatoshi like this.
because someone out there knows him so well, and yet he left him too.
as much as satori has been there ever since the first time they shared a meal at the rather packed cafeteria of shiratorizawa, there's someone else that has been there longer than satori ever has.
in a uncanny relationship that they have, wakatoshi would describe him as his longtime rival. or that's what he thought in the beginning.
oikawa tooru has been ushijima wakatoshi's rival since their middle school days. butting heads at every game, with wakatoshi always prevailing against the other, they had a very complicated competition in between the two of them. both acknowledge the strength and skill of the other but are too stubborn to not end the rivalry and just become friends.
even to satori, it was a surprise that even on their first year together as friends ushijima would talk about the other boy incessantly, praising his skills but always criticizing his decision not to go to shiratorizawa for high school.
one would be blind to see that there's no hate there but instead, yearning in ushijima's reasoning. he wanted to use oikawa tooru's skill and wanted to stand on the same side of the court as him.
slowly but surely, tendou himself became conscious about the dynamic that slowly changed within the same year. but what plagued tendou's mind was how he felt when he almost walked in on the two kissing under the tree right outside of shiratorizawa's dormitories.
a pang of regret?
a tinge of disappointment?
it was more than that, however, at the time, tendou was too stubborn to admit things to himself. he shrugged the feeling off and became a good friend. and so, it didn't come as a surprise when the other man called him out the next night and told him that he had started seeing his long time rival, oikawa tooru.
for a long time, for the rest of the year, he watched over the two. naturally, he became wakatoshi's wing man. he'd cover for him when he'd sneak out past their dormitory curfew to meet oikawa. he'd sneak and pick at the lock of the back door to open the door for his friend who always comes home with the same poker face but a glint of happiness in his eyes.
something tendou satori has always been able to tell every single time.
for a good while, oikawa and wakatoshi shared something that no one else understood. in the court, they'd be competitors that want to get a higher flight than the other. people would always applaud how the two of them are of one class which is why aoba johsai has always been shiratorizawa's rival in both the spring tournaments and the inter-high.
however, it wasn't all rainbows and flowers. every single time that shiratorizawa would conquer over aoba johsai, there's going to be a crack in the foundation the two rivals-turned-lovers' were building together. fueled with oikawa's ambition and pride, he'd shut out his lover which in turn would send wakatoshi into panic.
no one ever caught on at the inner turmoil wakatoshi went through, he'd applaud him for that. but every time wakatoshi would be restless, he wouldn't eat nor sleep until oikawa had agreed to speak to him and settle their issue.
he'd sneak out with ushijima as a look out, standing from afar while the two launched into an argument in the middle of the night. he'd hung his head low, knowing that it was a private matter that didn't involve him. however, each time that oikawa would walk out on the other male, he'd watch him stay still and sit there silently.
he'd walk over and see how ushijima is trying to resolve his inner frustrations, a tear or two threatening to fall while the frustrations slowly chipped at his heart.
and at every turmoil, satori was there to clean up after wakatoshi.
there was a time where the two got into a physical fight and it left wakatoshi with a scratched cheek from oikawa's hand. satori was able to pull the two away before oikawa could land another angry punch towards the taller male.
keeping the other male at arm's length, he turns to oikawa, his eyes void of any emotion. "don't do something that you know you'd regret later," he said this to him, knowing full well that oikawa's impulsive behavior would kick in as soon as he realizes that he has hurt wakatoshi.
oikawa's eyes were already filled with unspilled tears, shaking. and satori knew that the other male understood. he sighs, and turns to wakatoshi. "it's time to head back. there's no point in getting physical. talk it over when he's calmer."
without turning to look at the other male, he whispers. "go home, oikawa." and he ushers his friend to walk away, finally deciding to head back to their dorms.
if people saw how satori was that night, they'd doubt if it was the same satori they knew. wakatoshi was so out of it that he didn't even notice the shaking hands of the man who kept a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.
the encounter left satori to get creative in damage control. they got caught by the dorm assistant and he somehow managed to convince them that he and wakatoshi got into an argument and he threw a punch to the other. luckily, they dismissed it as a disagreement between friends.
oh the things satori would do to help wakatoshi.
it became a torturous cycle and soon after, one year, and another passed.
it was like watching ushijima begin to burn himself to the point of breaking. it isn't fair to him that he's the only one trying to patch things up with feeble attempts to appease oikawa about everything that pisses him off. if he was going to be honest, satori knew it wasn't healthy that oikawa is blaming everything that's going wrong in his life for being second best.
the boy claims he's in love with ushijima and yet he hates being in his shadow. maybe there are different ways how people would see it but to satori, he wished that the other male would at least be happy for his lover for once. instead of blaming ushijima for doing well, he wished oikawa would stop and realize how lucky he is to be loved unconditionally by the man who takes every jab from him silently without complaining.
and as the doors of their last year in high school opened right before their eyes, wakatoshi began reaching out for tendou a little bit too often than he would. concerned, he always was on the edge on their walks but couldn't really ask what's going on. sooner or later, the words exchanged between them grew shorter and shorter every time as the volleyball season neared.
t'was the day before their first game for the spring tournament when satori was surprised because instead of wakatoshi knocking on his door, his phone rang incessantly as he walked out of the shower. confused at the cell blasting wakatoshi's name brightly on the screen, he answered.
"satori," his name rolled off the other's tongue so exquisitely like it's cheating. however, it didn't change the fact that the voice on the other side of the call sounded shaky, breathy even.
"yeah? what's up? do you want to head out?" he answered, drying his hair with one hand holding a towel against his damp hair.
"i can't."
he stopped in his tracks. did he just hear sniffles?
"do you think you can sneak in here and stay in my room for a bit?"
and that's where satori found himself whispering such words that fell onto deaf ears.
"are those tears that you never show to anyone but me supposed to make me feel special?"
it was their last year and due to an unexpected turn of tables, it seems like shiratorizawa's reign has ended even before they made it to nationals. it was a surprise however, it was about time. satori could only look at his dorm room one last time, seeing it so empty felt rather melancholic.
he has spent years in the four walls of this dorm cramming for exams, bawling at the pain of his muscles every after practice, complaining at his friends who'd come over to mess with his manga collection and regretting how he could have let himself fall for someone he knew he'd never get a chance with.
smiling bitterly at the medals that lay on top of his desk, he whispered. "it's been a great few years."
and he reaches over to his side to clutch the smooth surface of the tube that holds the proof that his high school days have ended today. it felt surreal however, all things do come to an end at some point.
it was time to say goodbye.
there was a knock on his open door, and he turned to see him leaning against the door frame; a bag slung over his shoulder. satori cracks a smile, chuckling, knowing all too well what wakatoshi was here for.
"one last walk?" wakatoshi offers, waiting for tendou to respond. the other gets onto his feet, clutching his own bag to sling it over his shoulder and nods. "alright, let's do it."
the night breeze remained the same, it was a cool breeze that felt comforting to his skin. exhaling loudly, satori appreciates the cool weather, making him remember all the nights he walked the same path with the same man for the last three years. it was a good three years, three years that he'll never ever forget.
the time he spent with him, and the time he spent loving him.
"you know, whenever we walk at night, i've always been the one doing the listening," satori starts. "do you mind if i ask you to do it for me this last time?" he asks, turning his head to watch the other's expression. it was the same blank face. he chuckles, "you're so consistent, wakatoshi-kun. but i'll take that as a yes."
seeing the bench, he jogged towards it and sat with a smile on his lips. he pats the space beside him, calling over the other male to stay beside him. soon, wakatoshi takes the all too familiar seat.
"you see, wakatoshi-kun," he pauses, breathing out. "in books, there's always a story that the author is following through. may it be a single person's journey or a couple's story." wakatoshi turns his head to tendou, curious and listening intently. "and since the story has always been all about the main characters, no one really pays attention to the side characters that were only created to support the main's stories."
a smile.
"but that's alright because i think those side characters own the other side of the page. they too have their own story one way or another." he continues on, looking down on his hands. "for me, here's mine."
one can say that this is tendou's way of sealing loose ends before he pursues a better life. however, it wasn't like that at all to tendou. rather than ending things, he's just putting a start to his own story. he's been an extra character to someone else's story for so long.
it was time that he ended his role here, and began his own book.
his own story.
"you've been the main character in the book i exist in, wakatoshi-kun. and i was an extra that did his best to be a reliable support for you. and no," he chuckles. "i didn't do that out of responsibility."
"i did it because i happen to have fallen in love with the main character."
satori turns to look at the other male who seems to have been struck by lightning by his words. "wakatoshi-kun." he smiles at him. "thank you for all this time, and know that you've given me enough. there's nothing i'm asking for in return. i'm telling you this because i don't want to be a side character anymore." he reaches to pet wakatoshi's hair. "i saw the real you when people refused to. and i'm thankful that you showed me a part of you that others didn't. i'm more than grateful, really. however, it's time for me to become my own main character."
getting up to his feet, he turns to the sky and sighs loudly. "see you when i see you, ushijima wakatoshi. be the main character you're meant to be."
and without waiting for any words from him, he turns his back, a smile on his lips. their last walk in the cool night of japan has ended.
now, he's ready to write his own story.
years later.
he found himself smiling from ear to ear as he looked at the familiar face that sat across him. it was incredibly surreal to see him in a restaurant he frequently visited here in paris. laughing as he found it really funny, he said, "you seriously stuck out like a sore thumb here, wakatoshi-kun."
a smile.
wakatoshi smiled, "it's nice to see you too, satori." and there he was, breath taken away from that one smile. "i hope you don't mind if a side character is here to ask if i'll be able to be a main character with you in your story."