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It was day three of The Great Flerken Debacle when the Avengers were called to deal with a threat overseas. "If all goes well, we'll be back tomorrow afternoon," Steve assured Clint, whose splinted ankle meant he'd be staying behind and taking care of Tony.
Because Tony had been a flerken for three days running—ever since the battle in LA, when he'd been shot out of the sky by a strange ray that forced him to shift. Bucky'd been watching in horror from the ground as Tony fell. Luckily, Clint had been on a nearby skyscraper. He'd snagged Tony with a trick arrow and started pulling the heavy Iron Man armor to safety.
Winter immediately covered Bucky's hands and feet and started scaling the building with claws and judicious use of tentacles, but they weren't in time to help when Clint got shot off the roof, sending him and Tony plummeting. Clint had dropped Tony to catch himself with a new arrow, anchored himself to the line, then shot a third arrow and caught Tony again. They'd hung there, on the side of the building, while robots with chainsaw hands flew around wreaking havoc, until Winter reached Tony, punched his way into the building, and set Tony down in the office block before going back for Clint.
When Bucky and Winter returned and looked into the eyes of the Iron Man armor to see whether Tony was conscious, a much smaller face peered up at them through an eye slit and meowed pitifully.
"Oh, fuck," Clint had said, peering over Bucky's shoulder. "They turned him into a cat."
"Flerken," Bucky and Winter both absently corrected. "Tony," Bucky had said, snagging the catch and removing the faceplate, "can you shift back? We kinda need Iron Man right now."
Tony had closed his big, adorable eyes…and opened them again a few moments later, visibly agitated, ears dropped back and tail whipping frantically. He mewed at them and mashed his face against Bucky's stomach as if desperately seeking comfort.
"You can't, huh?" Bucky had sucked his teeth in a worried hiss. He picked Tony up and cradled him against his chest, Winter's inky black tendrils leeching through his tac vest to swaddle Tony and keep him safe and secure against them, then turned to Clint. "You hurt?"
"Nah," Clint had said.
"Good." That was one worry alleviated. "JARVIS, take the armor back to the Quinjet." At the requisite code, JARVIS complied, and the armor flew out the hole in the building.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Clint had said when Winter coated Bucky's hands in preparation for diving after the armor. "Bucky, no! Come take the elevator!"
Clint had stumbled when he latched onto Bucky's shoulder to pull him back, and that's how they found out Clint had twisted his ankle during his acrobatics to keep Tony and himself from splatting on the pavement.
Fast-forward to the present: Clint reclined on the common room couch watching Netflix, his left leg propped up on an ottoman, and an assortment of talking pet buttons arranged in front of the giant TV.
Tony, still a tuxedo-colored flerken, looked up at Steve, hurried over to the buttons, and pressed one with a white paw.
"No," the button announced in Bucky's voice. "Bucky" and "Stay" soon followed.
Bucky's heart twisted, looking down at Tony's mournful eyes.
Tony looked over at Clint, then back up at Bucky beseechingly. "Bucky… Stay," the buttons repeated.
Bucky knew why Tony wanted him to stay, but the Avengers were down Iron Man and Hawkeye; he needed to go with them. He sighed and dropped into a crouch. Tony scurried into his arms, and Bucky stood with him, scritching his ears as Tony rubbed his muzzle proprietarily against Bucky's fingers and neck and jaw.
"Sorry, Tony," Steve said. "You know he needs to come with us. Buck, wheels up in five."
Winter spooled out of Bucky's back to nuzzle Tony's face with his own and gently scratch him under the chin with a clawed hand. While Winter and Tony said their goodbyes, Bucky turned serious eyes on Clint. "There's meat in the fridge for him. Cut it up and put it on a plate like you've seen me doing the past few days. Do not be an asshole just because Tony's a flerken, okay?" Clint liked to tease Tony far too much for being a "cat," and without anyone else to make him knock it off, he'd probably go so far Tony lost his temper.
Clint gave Bucky a look of wide-eyed innocence. "I'm never an asshole! Tony loves me! Don't you, you adorable baby," Clint finished in a coo like he was talking to an actual baby. He waggled his fingers at Tony. "C'mere, kitten. Come lounge with me."
Tony's ears flicked with annoyance, and he opened his mouth to bare his fangs.
"That, Clint. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Don't treat him like a baby, don't tease him for being small, just generally don't be a dick."
"Alright, alright. I'll be good, Mom."
I will hide his body for Tony when we return, Winter said helpfully. I will eat him. Not much brain, but still chewy and good.
"Do not eat Clint," Bucky hissed quietly. "And Tony, do not claw, bite, or kill him while we're gone. If he's an asshole, just leave the room. Please promise me, Tony."
Tony rubbed his muzzle against Bucky's chest and blinked sadly up at him.
Bucky sighed. He hoped Clint wouldn't wind up in Medical while they were gone, and he was supposed to be here, safe and taking care of Tony. "Wong and Dr. Strange will be back tomorrow," Bucky reminded Tony. "We'll get your shifting fixed the second they're back at the Sanctum, okay?"
Tony rubbed his head against Bucky and Winter one last time, then jumped from Bucky's arms to the couch.
"Be nice," Bucky told both of them.
"I'm always nice," Clint lied.
Tony lashed his tail, then curled up next to Clint—not touching, but still close.
Comfortable.
Peaceful.
Bucky backed out of the room, already anxious about what he'd find when he returned.
"Buck, relax," Steve said as they sat in the Quinjet, crossing the Atlantic. "Clint can handle taking care of a cat. Well, flerken. You know what I mean."
"It's not taking care of Tony I'm worried about," Bucky said. "You ever see Tony shift into a flerken when Clint's already in the room?"
Steve frowned, considering, then shook his head. "No," he said, sounding surprised but not concerned.
"Ever seen Tony shift out of flerken form when Clint's in the room?"
Steve chuckled. "Plenty of times."
"Exactly. Tony hates being a flerken if Clint's there because he's always a dick about Tony looking like a harmless fucking house cat. Without one of us there to get him to knock it off, I'm worried he'll actually piss Tony off. Tony thinks a lot more like Winter when he's a flerken than when he's a person. Human Tony thinks Clint being a dick is funny. Flerken Tony just thinks Clint's being a dick."
Steve blanched. "Oh, God."
"Uh-huh. And now he's stuck looking like a cat, and no one's there to stop Clint from going too far."
"Shit," Steve hissed.
"Language," Natasha called from the cockpit.
Steve glared at her. "You know what, Romanoff?"
She laughed but otherwise ignored him.
"At least they can communicate," Steve pointed out. "Tony's got those buttons, so he can tell Clint to stop."
That did lend some comfort. Bucky forced himself to take a calming breath. "You're right. He's got the buttons. He can tell Clint himself if he does something he doesn't like."
Exactly, Winter purred in Bucky's head. Like when I tell you I don't like not eating bad guys, so you let me eat all the bad guys I want.
"I don't let you eat all the bad guys you want," Bucky muttered. "We've talked about this."
Exactly, Winter said again. So when Clint does something foolish, and Tony says he doesn't like it, Clint will obviously stop being foolish immediately, even though not letting me eat bad guys is stupid.
Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose and let out an audible sigh of frustration. "That made no goddamned sense, but I see your point." And if Tony kills Clint, I will consider letting you eat him, he finished in his head. But only because if there's a body, Nat will find it and sic Hulk on Tony.
Really?! Winter sounded ecstatic. We can eat him?!
Bucky sighed again. I hope not? Guess we'll find out when we get home.
Tony and his undesirable servant made it through the night okay. True, Clint mocked Tony about eating raw meat, as if requiring it to be cooked to digest it didn't make him the lesser species, but still, Clint dutifully cut the raw meat Bucky had set aside for him into small pieces and put them on a plate on the table for Tony. They ate together in relative silence. Clint chewed with his mouth open because Natasha wasn't there to hit him for it. Tony ate like a civilized creature and licked himself clean when he finished. He left the plate for the rude human to clean up, and his AI servant ferried him up to the penthouse, where he curled up on his mates' pillow and went to sleep surrounded by their comforting scents.
In the morning, Tony returned to the common room. Clint was already there, lounging on the couch watching Netflix in clothes that looked and smelled the same as yesterday. Tony's nose twitched, but unlike his uncouth servant, he was not rude. He would not embarrass the human by pointing out his slovenliness. Instead, he padded up to his buttons and pressed "Food" expectantly.
He jumped when what sounded was not his mate Bucky's strong, beautiful voice saying, "Food," but instead Clint's taunting voice saying, in a babying tone, "I hungy!" Tony ducked away in reflexive horror, ears flattening and tail flicking in agitation.
On the couch, Clint cackled. "Oh, is baby hungy?"
Tony glared at him, then looked suspiciously at his other buttons. They were all…mostly in place. But not quite. Had the rude, ungroomed human changed all his buttons?
Tony hoped not, but Clint was not trustworthy. Tony trusted Clint to feed him—as per Bucky's instructions—and to make him angry, but not much else.
In the spirit of scientific inquiry, Tony braced himself and pressed another button.
The "Water" button now said "Beer me!"
"Play" was a whiny "I'm boooored!"
"Steve" had become "America's Ass," "Bucky" was "Murderbot," and "Winter" was just Clint screaming.
To make matters worse, "Clint" was now the disgusting lie of "My favorite Avenger!"
Button after button had been vandalized, Bucky's perfect voice erased so the stupid human could screech mockery and obscenities into Tony's sensitive ears. Bucky had used these buttons to give Tony a voice. Clint's cruelty ensured Tony wouldn't want to use it.
Indignant, Tony pounced on the "Mad" button.
"No talk me, I angy," Clint's voice said like he was a toddler.
Tony shoved the button away in disgust and started pacing. On the couch, Clint cawed with laughter, collapsed onto his side, and beat the couch cushions with mirth.
Tony's back was arched when he stalked to the final button, in the back of the group and set slightly apart on the far right. It was his favorite, even if he only used it when Bucky was around. He pressed it now, hoping that this, at least, had been spared. Hoping to at least hear his mate tell him, "I love you."
What he heard instead was Trent Reznor scream-singing, "I wanna fuck you like an animal!"
Tony snarled in outrage. His claws dragged in the carpet as he turned wrathful eyes on Clint, who was still laughing at him, mocking him, had dared erase the only audible ties Tony had to his mate Bucky while serving out this miserable sentence with this miserable human—who Tony was going to ensure soon felt as miserable as he made Tony.
They didn't leave me here with you, Tony thought viciously. They left you here with me.
He opened his mouth.
Bucky rushed into the common room to find Clint with a bag of frozen peas pressed to his bruised forehead. He moved like an old man when he hoisted himself off the couch upon seeing Bucky. "Thank God you're back. Get your demon monster cat away from me!"
Tony paused from where he, too, was standing to leap off the couch, to swivel his head and hiss at Clint.
Clint yelped and hid behind the arm of the couch.
Smug, Tony turned back to Bucky and leaped to the floor to twine excitedly around Bucky's ankles. Winter shot tendrils out of Bucky's calves and levered Tony into Bucky's arms before Bucky could bend to pick him up. "Hey, babe," Bucky said, pressing his face to Tony's while Tony purred up a storm in his arms and rubbed against him. "I missed you too. Looks like you survived Clint. What'd he do to piss you off so bad?"
"Do you want me to eat his face?" Winter offered solicitously.
Bucky glared at the alien head hovering over his left shoulder. "No one is eating anyone," he said firmly. "Even if they deserve it. What'd you do, Clint?"
"I didn't do anything! Tony couldn't take a joke, is what happened!"
"A joke is supposed to be funny," Steve said, rushing in and surveying the room much like Bucky had: as if he was expecting carnage. "What happened?"
In addition to the bruising on Clint's face, the stiffness of his movements, and his insistence that Tony was a "demon monster cat," there was a battery of cracks in the walls that hadn't been there when the team left a mere twenty-four hours ago.
Tony squirmed, so Bucky reluctantly let him go. Tail held high, Tony marched to his buttons and pressed "Mad."
Clint's dull voice said, "Mad."
Tony pressed more buttons. All had been rerecorded in Clint's voice.
Bucky frowned. "Why did you rerecord the buttons?" he asked Clint suspiciously.
"It was a joke, and Tony turned into a demon about it for no reason! Did you know he's a monster? Wait, why the fuck would you care? You're dating Winter."
"You are starting to look very tasty," Winter growled at Clint.
Tony glared at Clint, too, then skittered under the couch. He emerged pushing a button with his face. Bucky noted the heart sticker on it; it was the "I love you" button. That Tony was hiding it to bring out now could only spell disaster.
Clint blanched at the sight of it. "Tony—"
Tony hissed and pressed it. "I wanna fuck you like an animal!" screamed the button.
Bucky froze. Had Clint… Had Clint really… To the "I love you" button?!
Clint choked down a laugh, but it was loud in the silence the button's message had engendered in the room's few occupants.
That broke Bucky from his shock. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he yelled at Clint.
Tony darted back to Bucky and wound around his ankles again. Bucky picked him up and clutched him protectively.
"I'm going to eat you like an animal," Winter snarled, and lunged his headstalk at Clint, mouth wide open and deadly forest of teeth gleaming.
Clint shrieked and dived behind the couch again, then tried to crawl under it—not that it could protect him when Winter could launch it across the room with an effortless flick of a tentacle.
Luckily, Steve intervened. "Winter, stop," he ordered, yanking Winter's headstalk back before his mouth could reach Clint. "We don't eat teammates. Bucky, take Winter and Tony and get changed. Wong and Dr. Strange should be back soon." More sharply, Steve said, "Clint, I'm taking you to Medical. And you and I are going to have a talk about harassing teammates."
"Tony attacked me!" Clint insisted, popping his head above the back of the couch like a meerkat when it seemed he was safe. "He threw those fucking buttons at me! They're heavier than they look! They cracked the wall!"
"Tony doesn't have opposable thumbs," Steve argued reasonably.
Bucky smothered a vindictive grin. His glorious little shit of a best friend was pretending he didn't know about Tony's mouth tentacles.
"Come with me," Steve said. "It sounds like we need to get your head checked."
Clint looked beseechingly at Steve. "He has tentacles, Steve! Giant kraken tentacles!"
Steve glanced pointedly at Tony as Bucky turned to take them all to the elevator, then raised an eyebrow at Clint. "Where?"
The elevator door closed on Steve beckoning Clint out from behind the couch with a "The scary flerken is gone now. Stop hiding," and Bucky and Winter smirking at Clint from behind Steve, their expressions promising Clint that soon hiding wouldn't save him.
"JARVIS," Bucky asked as the elevator rose, "do you have footage of what happened?"
"I do, Sergeant Barnes. Would you like to review it?"
"I would. Thanks."
Bucky would watch it with Tony when his boyfriend was human again. With any luck, human Tony would think Clint's prank was funny.
And then help Bucky and Winter prank him back.