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The very first time he thinks it, it’s by complete accident.
Yuuta and Maki are out sparring on the pitch same as any other day, and Toge is watching his boyfriend get his ass handed to him. Boyfriend was probably a strong word for it at the time. They’d only been on three dates- four, if he counted their latest mission together- and one of those had just been a walk around campus with some very tentative, but giddy hand holding.
But when Yuuta thinks he’s hurt Maki (impossible, of course, but cute of him to think so), Toge watches the look of resolve on his face instantly melt into the purest expression of worry as he reaches out to check on her. And Toge thinks it.
I’m in love with him.
Maki turns out to be completely fine- the hit she took was a calculated risk to catch Yuuta off guard- and it is clear to Toge that he is the only person in the vicinity who is unwell. Cold sweat drips down the back of his neck. His heart pounds in his throat. He might vomit up his breakfast. But the fight goes on, and no one notices that Toge is having a personal crisis. He pretends to stretch, just so he can bury his face in the grass for a little while and fantasize about screaming into it till his throat goes raw. When he's finally brave enough to look back up, Yuuta is watching him. There’s a warm smile on his face and an embarrassed glint in his eyes, but he doesn’t look away like he might have a few weeks ago. He wanted Toge to catch him staring.
And Toge thinks it again.
After that, it just keeps happening. Yuuta falls asleep on the couch in the common room and drools a little bit on the sleeve of his navy t-shirt, and Toge thinks it. Yuuta asks him to trim his hair in the bathroom sink with safety scissors, and while Toge touches the newly exposed skin on the back of Yuuta’s neck, he thinks it. Yuuta props up his laptop on the kitchen counter and in all earnest reads a wiki-how article titled “How To Make Scrambled Eggs,” and Toge is trying very hard not to laugh hysterically- but he’s still thinking it.
I’m in love with him. I love Yuuta Okkotsu more than anything on this planet. I love, I love, I love.
But that’s exactly the problem. He only ever thinks it. He never says it out loud. Not in coded language or in certain words. He’s not even sure he knows how.
And when Yuuta finds out he’s being sent abroad for the entirety of their next semester, possibly the next two, Toge starts to wonder if he'll even get the chance to say it at all. What would be the point, if Yuuta was leaving? Distance could change things between people he’d heard. What would happen when they weren’t in close proximity, reminded of how much they loved- liked- each other on a daily, almost hourly basis?
When Yuuta leaves two weeks later, Toge decides it's best for both of them if he just keeps his mouth shut. Everyone lines up and says goodbye to him one at a time, each encounter tied up with a big hug and a few words of encouragement. Toge goes last, and after a wordless embrace that lingers just a bit too long, Yuuta kisses him right on the lips for everyone- even Gojo- to see. And even though Yuuta has been acting tough all afternoon, he leans in and whispers “I’m going to miss you so much. ” It’s not much, but Toge can hear the slightest wobble in Yuuta’s voice, which is how he knows he means it.
If there was ever an opening, that would have been it. I love you. It would have been so easy.
But instead, Toge gives his boyfriend's hand one last squeeze before he watches Yuuta get in the car and drive away. He won’t have another chance for months, and that’s that. Maki, either extremely perceptive or simply all-knowing, shoots him a sympathetic look as they start their trek back to the dorms. She even sticks by him as he drags his feet- a big deal considering she keeps a walking pace faster than most jogs.
When they finally get back, the last thing Toge’s expecting is an incoming call from Yuuta Okkotsu.
“Konbu?” he greets, his heart skipping a beat. But the excitement immediately gives way to confusion, which quickly shifts to worry. Was everything okay? Had he forgotten something? “Takana, sujiko?”
“Have you gotten back to your room yet?” Yuuta asks eagerly, dodging Toge’s question.
“Okakaaa?” Toge responds, still confused. He’s only just gotten to the door to his dorm room, his hand still hovering over the handle.
“Good!” Yuuta cheers. “Good. I left a little present for you. It’s just something stupid so don’t get too excited.”
Yuuta’s laughing it off, but Toge knows Yuuta, so he knows whatever it probably isn’t stupid at all. He throws his door open without missing a beat. Sitting on his bed, folded with the exact level of skill you would expect from an aloof sixteen year-old boy, is the navy undershirt from Yuuta’s uniform.
Toge gasps. He can’t count the amount of times he’s admired this shirt, both before and after they started dating. He’d spent many lazy weekend mornings with his face resting against its soft fabric and many late nights plotting all the ways he could steal it for himself. He never did though- it brought out such a lovely color in Yuuta’s eyes that he just couldn’t bear it, not even for selfish reasons.
“Do you like it?” Yuuta asks nervously. Toge can practically hear him chewing his fingernails through the phone.
“Shake,” Toge answers quickly, not wanting Yuuta to waste even another second thinking this gift is stupid when it's anything but.
“It doesn’t really fit me anymore,” Yuuta explains. Of course, what he’s not mentioning is that it doesn’t fit because his obsessive training has yielded the beginnings of some pretty serious muscles, or that he's grown several inches since he was first fitted for his uniform. The shirt not fitting anymore is hardly a surprise. “And I… I wanted you to have something that's mine.”
Toge frowns as he rubs the thin cotton between his fingers, wishing he had something he could have reciprocated with. Yuuta would have nothing of his in Africa besides the pictures on his phone. But it’s not like any of Toge’s clothes would fit him, and even if they had Yuuta wouldn't have had any extra space in his luggage- and Toge would know, seeing that he supervised all of the packing. He had slipped a little package of candy in the front pouch of his backpack in hopes that Yuuta would find it before the flight, but that hardly seemed comparable now.
“Konbu,” Toge thanks, sounding more than a little teary. Yuuta laughs. Clearly, he’s pleased with himself for pulling off the surprise.
“I’m gonna call you so much you’ll be sick of me,” Yuuta promises, getting ready to go. Faintly, Toge hears Ijichi rattle off some instructions from the front seat. “Ah, I gotta go.”
Toge knows he’s already gotten more of Yuuta’s time than he should've today, so he’s all ready to say goodbye when-
“Love you. Bye!” Yuuta adds.
And Toge’s brain short-circuits. He hangs up the phone so fast that the force of his fingers nearly breaks the screen. Oh god, oh god, oh god, he thinks. Did Yuuta just-
No, Toge reasons with himself. It was just a pleasantry. It’s the same way someone would hang up the phone after talking to their mother. Yuuta didn’t know what he was saying. He probably didn’t even notice he’d said anything out of the ordinary. Toge was panicking over nothing.
But then the phone rings again.
“Stop,” he whispers-yells at it, “Stop, stop, stop.”
But inanimate objects do not bend to the will of cursed speech, and the phone just keeps buzzing in his Toge’s hand- lighting up with Yuuta’s name and contact picture. Toge’s brain is in full fight or flight mode- in this case, flight- so he does the only thing he can think of: throwing the phone clear across the room so he can’t be held responsible for answering it.
It hits the wall with a terrible crash, his plastic case cracking clear down the middle before Toge’s phone tumbles to the ground screen first with a shatter.
Fuck.
“What was that?” Maki calls from somewhere in the dorm.
Double fuck. Toge leaps across the room to slam and lock the door before she can come to investigate. His heart is still racing, but he throws himself into his bed like he’s more tired than he’s ever been in his life. As he buries his face between the folds of the familiar shirt, he decides he’ll just go to sleep. By the time he wakes up, Yuuta will be on his long, WiFi-less flight and Toge will have hours to figure out how he’ll recover from this.
The plan doesn’t work, of course. Even after shedding his hoodie and replacing it with Yuuta’s shirt, he can’t talk his body into the sweet release of sleep. It takes about five minutes for Maki to start knocking. Toge ignores her, figuring she’ll get bored and go away eventually.
Instead, it only gets worse. In the span of about thirty seconds, the knocks go from gentle to frenzied- strong and dangerously quick succession. Toge’s heart stops in his chest. No. It couldn’t be. He reminds himself. Yuuta is on his way to the airport. He won’t be knocking at your door for months.
But the blast of cursed energy that knocks his door clear off its hinges is decidedly not Maki, nor is the tall mess of a blue-eyed boy panting in his doorway.
Yuuta. Toge’s chest squeezes. You came back.
“That was completely inappropriate,” he apologizes, seeming to be just as shocked by his dramatic entrance as Toge is. “What I did to the door,” he clarifies quickly. “Not what I said on the phone.”
Toge blinks.
“So you heard it?”
More blinking.
“Toge,” Yuuta says, anxiety leaking out of him. “I shouldn’t have said it over the phone, but I mean it. I really mean it. I don’t want to go to Africa if I can’t say I love you every time I hang up the phone with you.” The words spill out of his mouth quickly, but not thoughtlessly. Yuuta means every word he’s saying. “I can’t be an ocean away from you without you knowing how I feel.”
Toge feels his lips part, so touched by the words that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Instantly, he knows he wants that too. If Yuuta is going to be a world away, he should know how Toge feels about him- how Toge has felt for months.
So he scrambles to his feet, daring to close a bit of the distance between them.
“I…” He starts, speaking slowly and deliberately. He doesn’t have much practice with this- with unstitching every thread of cursed energy that binds his words with their intentions- but it doesn’t mean he won’t try. For Yuuta, he’d do anything. “I…" He tries again, more confident. "I love… you.”
And when nothing catastrophic happens, he takes a step forward and adds-
“Yuuta.”
A weight lifts from Toge’s chest, and Yuuta rushes across the room to meet him halfway. Toge balances up on his toes to throw his arms around Yuuta’s neck and Yuuta wraps arms around his waist to pull him in close. “I love you, Toge,” he whispers, this time completely intentional. He wraps his arms even tighter around Toge’s waist, drawing him closer than they’ve ever been. It’s almost embarrassing how relieved they both are, hanging all over each other as if the words had been keeping them apart all this time.
I should’ve told you sooner, Toge thinks, fretting. He figures he will just have to make it up to Yuuta by telling him often- so often that Yuuta gets sick of hearing it and their friends are so exasperated that they don’t even want to make jokes about it anymore.
“We need an ingredient,” Yuuta suggests. “So you can say it without worrying.”
Toge feels his bottom lip jut into a pout without his permission. This isn't anything new. He’d given up so many words in his life- had been happy to do it, even- but this felt different. For the first time, it feels as though something is truly being stolen from him.
“It’s a good thing,” Yuuta insists, correctly interpreting Toge’s silence as worry. “Don’t you think we deserve two ways to say I love you?”
Suddenly, Toge doesn’t feel nearly as cheated. How could he, with a boyfriend who says things as sweet as that? “Shake,” Toge confirms, pressing the word into Yuuta’s shoulder. He opens his mouth to say something else, poised to test a new phrase- but Yuuta stops him.
“Don’t tell me now,” he murmurs, “I’ll call you when I land. Tell me then.”
Since Toge’s lips are already primed, he decides to use them for something else. The kiss they share isn’t at all like the one they’d tried to say goodbye with a few minutes ago. It’s not chaste or polite because their teacher is watching, nor is it tentative and shy like many of their kisses had been in the past. It's steady and certain and so good that Toge already knows he will be dreaming about doing it again for months.
“You’re wearing the shirt,” Yuuta mumbles when he finally pulls away, thrilled by the development. “Why does everything look so much better on you?”
“Simp,” Maki coughs from the doorway, announcing her presence. It should be enough to shock them into pulling away, but it isn’t. Neither of them wants to. Maki sighs, visibly annoyed with their PDA. “Yuuta, if you don’t get back in that car Ijichi is going to have a conniption and it will be your fault.”
“Do I have to?” he whines, hands wandering up and down the small of Toge's back.
“Shake,” Toge says as the exact same second Maki says, “Yes.”
“You’re going to be late,” she chides. “Come on, we’ll send you off.”
Panda is waiting for them at the entrance, and together all four of them tear across campus in a full on sprint. They’d all claim it was all in an attempt to stop Yuuta from missing his flight, but the minute it shaves off probably does nothing for the cause and they all know it. Still, the victory lap around Jujutsu Tech feels like the sendoff they always should’ve had- their whole class hollering into the wind as they race each other. They’d all been so sad the first time around, completely unable to enjoy their last moments as a unit. Everything had been remedied now, it seemed.
“Try not to miss me too much,” Yuuta jokes as he gets into the car, hoping to keep the mood light.
“Try to stay in touch with all of us and not just your boyfriend,” Maki sneers, unable to resist getting one last rib in. Yuuta tries to laugh, but Ijichi is already slamming the car door in his face as he mutters a profanity under his breath.
Before the car can pull away, Yuuta cups his face up against the window to say it one last time.
Toge can’t actually hear what he says, but since he has a pretty good idea, he mouths it back.
I love you.