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Cody was exhausted. He wasn’t a morning person to begin with, and it hadn’t been many hours since he had returned home, changed out of his formalwear, and fallen into his bed. And even then, he hadn’t been able to sleep right away. He wasn’t surprised, after spending the final hour of the tournament’s opening ball with Felicity, he couldn’t get his mind off of her. She had been beautiful, as always, but it was her company that he had missed the most while she had been away. He smiled warmly, thinking back on all of their conversations from the night before. Which brought up the reason why he had woken so early after such a long night. Logan has to be awake, his breaths are far too short for him to be sleeping.
Stretching with a yawn, he turned to face his brother’s bed. Sure enough, Logan was lying stretched out, head back on his arms but eyes wide open and staring unfocused at the ceiling. He had clearly been up for a while, as he had changed out of his sleepwear and seemed to just be waiting for the day to begin properly. Strange, usually if he’s awake he’s scribbling away in his journal. Especially if he didn’t have a chance the night before. Logan also seemed to be deep in thought, generally he would at least acknowledge Cody’s rustling in some way.
Cody yawned again and sat up to avoid the siren call of his pillow.
“Good morning to you too.”
“You’re up early.”
“I wanted to talk with you.”
Logan took a moment to stretch himself and turned to face Cody.
“First thing in the morning? What came up between now and yestereve?”
Cody chose to not answer directly, he didn’t need Logan running out the door before they could even get started.
“You must have been in a good mood last night, I had to come and collect you when the party was winding down.”
And it was true. When the last song had been strung, Cody had found his twin still in the corner with Gan, the two of them close and watching the musicians. He had stopped to observe for a bit, as Logan appeared to pose a question and she pointed to one of the lute players as she answered. Cody couldn’t remember the last time he had seen his brother looking so unguarded and relaxed and he had felt bad interrupting the moment for a second time that night.
Logan’s response to him came a little too rapidly to be casual, he definitely remembered.
“Father said we had to stay until the end, and I know you can’t be complaining about me letting you flirt for the remainder of the evening.”
Cody knew he’d have to tread carefully with this conversation, so he continued mildly, not rising to the bait.
“I’m glad that you didn’t have to wait alone for once. So, you and Gan are…friends now? When did that happen?”
Logan had started to bristle and complain about exactly who was always leaving him alone, but he dropped the age-old argument when his brother asked about Gan. His sigh was resigned, and Cody smiled to himself. Logan knew it was easier to just answer him when he was like this, but he always put up some fight.
“We’ve never talked about it.”
Cody rolled his eyes at the dodge, before returning sincerely, “I’m glad to see it, you’ve seemed more at ease the past few weeks.”
He thought he saw the slightest bit of color touch his twin’s face, but it was hard to tell in the early morning semi-darkness of their room. When Logan broke their eye contact to stare somewhere in the vicinity of the floor, Cody tried to remain still and relaxed. Over the years he had learned from Felicity that allowing for a lull in conversation tended to produce more meaningful discussion. That approach was particularly useful when it came to Logan, who was apt to go on the defensive if not handled gently when it came to sensitive topics. Cody took a breath and pushed down his impatience to observe his brother’s reaction. He watched as Logan’s face became downcast and he responded in a somewhat dispirited tone.
“I don’t know if you should be.”
Remembering his brother’s good humor on their trek back the night before, Cody was surprised to see his change in demeanor.
“What do you mean?”
“Just that I’m not sure father would be so happy to learn of it, and he’s probably right. Depths, I’m banned from even seeing Ellonson because of how I handled that arrest, and Gan and I were barely even speaking at that point.”
Cody thought back on the arrest. He hadn’t been facing Gan when Logan had gone to her, he had been busy making sure Ellonson’s wound was wrapped (a tricky thing to do on an invisible man) and that he would make it back to a cell, but he hadn’t been very far away either. At the time he had attributed Logan’s singular focus on her condition to the guilt he felt using her in their plan, but now he wondered if that was the whole story. Logan was definitely implying that there had been more to it. Cody felt a familiar frustration surfacing as he put together what his twin was saying.
“Logan, we can’t be expected to avoid relationships with half the population on the off chance that we might develop romantic feelings for them.”
He had been sure that Logan would respond with his usual exasperation on the topic and go back on guard, so he was surprised when his brother sighed and replied with both uncertainty and some measure of regret. To anyone else, both emotions would likely have been undetectable, but to Cody they were clear as day.
“We’ve been told to do otherwise for most of our lives. The Ulfmaster must have his reasons…and I have to trust him, he’s always done what’s best for Soulford, and for us.”
Normally a line like that from Logan would have drawn Cody’s ire, but it was so far in tone from the usual scolding that he found himself aching on his brother’s behalf. Neither of them deserved to live this way. Choosing his words carefully, Cody made sure he had Logan’s attention before he answered gently.
“I don’t think we do Logan. He isn’t infallible, and he has to work to keep our trust as much as we do to have his. What needs to happen is that we need to talk to him.”
Logan scowled, his shields coming back up instantly.
“You would never have said that a few years ago.”
Cody felt his temper trying to bubble up, but put a lid on it. Today was not the day for another shouting match. This was the first time Logan had ever expressed any doubt or discomfort around this restriction that ruled their lives. So he breathed in and tried to respond in a neutral tone.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“No more than what was said.”
Felicity has to be right about this, I can’t let him get to me. Reflecting on his conversation with her, Cody was sure he knew exactly what Logan was referring to by “a few years ago”. He felt the shade of guilt that had arisen the night before come to the surface once more. Cody had thought that Logan had just become more reclusive as he’d gotten older, but now he couldn’t unsee the connection between his budding relationship with Felicity and the hardening of his twin’s personality in recent years. He decided to address it directly, or at least as directly as he thought Logan could handle.
“I fell in love Logan, that hasn’t diminished my love for you or for father, nor my sense of duty to Soulford.”
But Logan had clearly had enough of the topic, especially given the dangerous direction it was headed.
“Oh, so now we can talk about this?”
Cody could only be so patient.
“You brought it up! Forgive me if I don’t enjoy regularly rehashing your distaste for my relationship with Felicity.”
That got Logan’s hackles up, but maybe he was trying in his own way, because when he growled his response he made steady eye contact and left out his usual criticism.
“It isn’t about your relationship. It’s about any relationship! Felicity has nothing to do with it! If anything, Felicity is the only person who could possibly be good enough for you. She clearly loves you more than anything and you benefit from having her level head to keep you in line. But we can’t Cody.”
Blinking at the unexpected and honest admission, Cody found himself sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, exasperation and relief vying for dominance in his mind. He had known deep down that Logan’s feelings towards Felicity were not as odious as he made them appear, but recently he had begun to wonder. But when he lingered on Logan’s point, frustration won out and his reply, while not confrontational, made that clear.
“I thought you’d finally start to understand now that you know what it feels like.”
As he looked back to his twin, he saw Logan blink, confusion clear on his countenance and scowl momentarily departed.
“Wait, Cody, what are you talking about?”
Logan knew that it was good that they were having this conversation, after having put it to the side for so long. And he felt a little bit of the guilt that had been stirred by Felicity’s accusation many weeks ago that he hated her fade as he confessed to Cody his honest feelings on the matter. He still didn’t like how the two of them were acting or their flagrant disregard of the demands of their respective positions, but he had never meant for her to think he thought so little of her character. Cody’s last comment had thrown him though.
“Logan, I know how you’re feeling about Gan. I don’t know why you think you can hide things from me, especially after how it turned out last time.”
He let the jab slide, it was well-deserved. But he couldn’t let the accusation go by, and he felt his face flushing at the implication.
“Why does everyone in this family think I have feelings for Gan? I said I’m not even sure if she considers me to be her friend!”
Cody stared at him seriously, seemingly reevaluating.
“Have you really not realized?”
Logan bristled and started to make a biting comment, “What is there to--”
“Okay, okay, breathe Logan. So you don’t have feelings for her. How do you feel about her? And you might as well be honest now, I’m not going to just let this drop.”
He was going to get dizzy if he kept sighing, so Logan groaned instead, acknowledging the truth of that statement. But when he tried to answer, he found he couldn’t pin down exactly what he felt.
“She’s like…”, pausing, Logan thought back on his assessment of Gan’s personality as being as dynamic and vivid as a glimmering flame. He tried again.
“I mean when we talk I…”, memories of her genuine laughter, which had graced their conversations recently, proved distracting, so he gave it another go.
“I never thought that…”, he groaned again, this was going nowhere.
“I don’t know how to explain it.”
Logan tried to ignore the self-satisfied smirk that was trying to edge its way onto his brother’s face. Cody wasn’t letting him off that easily though.
“Ok, fine, so let’s do a thought experiment then. We’ve managed to keep it from father that she’s a cursebreaker so far…what if that was to change? What if he was to learn of it and send her away from Soulford?”
Logan didn’t respond. He couldn’t. He was too busy dealing with the stab of pain in his chest and a chill that had pervaded his entire being. Where would she even go? And how would she avoid the Motherless on her trail? She can barely manage a large crowd on her own, how would she handle being so alone? It was too believable, and his father had every right to make that choice to keep the citizens of Soulford safe. It didn’t matter that Logan couldn’t imagine going back to being on the sidelines of everyone else’s lives, the dependable garrin who was always there to do what was needed because he had made sure that nothing could ever conflict with his duty. That his heart ached at the idea of losing her wit and laughter, and even the way she smiled when she defeated him soundly. A memory of her patting Strider’s neck with a warm grin as she finished preparing him for Logan flashed before his eyes briefly before he realized that he didn’t know how long it had been since Cody posed the question. Who would protect her?
His last thought gave him his answer.
“I wouldn’t let that happen, he’s not going to find out.”
Cody nodded thoughtfully.
“So you do understand.”
Logan stared at his brother in bewilderment. Cody seemed to pick up on it, as he continued.
“How father isn’t infallible? How he isn’t always right about the people we should keep in our lives?”
He took a deep breath, and let it out in a long exhale. Logan would have tried to push back on Cody’s assertion, but he found that with the emotions the thought experiment had provoked still roiling inside of him, a totally different answer left his lips.
“We should talk to him.”
A smug smile finally escaped Cody’s restraint, but Logan found he wasn’t as bothered by it as he had been a few moments ago. He may not have been able to work through his thoughts on paper, but Cody had made things clear, and he was grateful to have everything laid out so explicitly.
“And Gan? Still can’t explain it?”
His cheekiness was less appreciated. Logan felt a familiar heat running from his neck to the tips of his ears and decided to make use of the fact that Cody couldn’t follow him unless he wanted to go outside in his sleepwear.
“The morning’s getting on. I’ve got to go get Strider.”
Logan made to stand up. He knew he was in for a good ribbing, and he’d deal with that later. For now, he wanted some time to work through his new insight into his own feelings, and the walk to the stable would provide the perfect opportunity. He moved towards the door, but as he stepped out, he caught Cody’s wave and wide grin.
“Tell Gan hello for me.”