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He is certain this is not going to be a very pleasant trip, and he is right. The plan is simple, a quick trip and a stay of two days in his hometown. His only objective is to go to his old high school to retrieve some important documents he left there by accident. He hasn’t been here since he graduated, so he could also pay a visit to some other places, it doesn’t hurt anybody to remember some things from his past. Or at least that’s what he hopes for, because he has things he regrets from that stage of his life. But this isn’t any kind of spiritual trip, he is just here for some overrated pieces of paper.
So far things haven’t been great. He took a bus to get here, and objectively the vehicle wasn’t even bad, it wasn’t cheap either so he feels bad for not enjoying it even if that wasn’t a decision that he took. For some reason he was very easy to bother, people were too noisy, the lights were too bright, and the smell of everything was too much. The weather wasn’t helping, it was cold, very cold, but not a christmas eve and snow fights kind of cold, no, it was the worst kind of cold, terribly dry. Not even with a proper skin care routine you could escape the uncomfortable feeling of dryness in your face, your hands and in the back of your throat.
He couldn’t escape it either, he felt it all, but as a bonus his lips were also affected. It had gotten so bad, that the dryness caused cracks on them that made him taste blood every time he stretched his lips more than their resting position. That meant talking, eating and smiling. And yeah, it did hurt, but not like a worth complaining or asking for help kind of hurt, it was just annoying.
When he gets off the bus he is sure that he looks terrible, but it isn’t like he is feeling great either. Maybe we can scratch the idea of visiting other places. So he goes straight to his objective, this should be quick. The place was near so he didn’t even have to walk a lot. And in less than thirty minutes he saw it. It was a very small school, not because it didn’t have a lot of students, but because it wasn’t for very wealthy children, so the budget was small.
And yeah, it was quick. It seems that no one here remembers him, at least not the people he encountered to ask for the papers. Thank god that they keep organized folders of documents people leave behind, he had feared that he would have to stay hours looking for them, that’s why he planned to stay for two days, just in case. But now that the mission is complete and that the bus that picks him up arrives tomorrow late afternoon, what is he supposed to do? Guess the idea didn’t get scratched after all.
Going somewhere familiar didn’t take a lot of effort, because he lived right in front of the school. He hopes he doesn’t look like a creep standing in front of his old house, he doesn’t spend a lot of time there anyways, is he supposed to feel nostalgic about this place? His gaze turns to see the house that’s on the left side, and his feelings are a little bit stronger for that one.
You see, that’s where his childhood best friend used to live. He even used to feel more comfortable in that house than in his own. His best friend… they met when both of them were 10, his mom had gotten a promising job so they moved here and he immediately got along with his neighbor. The kid next door was skinny and had wild black hair, he was always energetic, quick to get in trouble. And when they grew up, he didn’t change, his features had only gotten more mature, but on the inside he never stopped being that kid.
The amount of things he has to thank that kid for. While he was a very logical person, his best friend was just impulsive, and that saved him from his incredibly complicated thoughts, when his mind was trying to force him to be less human, when he was starting to abandon the simple pleasures that kept his happiness. That kid was amazing, everything he did was greater than how other people would have done it. He was like the Sun, brighting everything without even trying, without even noticing. Without caring, that kid made his life so much better. He didn’t know how he would live without him.
Until he had to. Because one day he left without notice, and that same day everything broke down. He knew it would be hard, but he wasn’t expecting how hard it actually was. Because admitting to be dependent on someone else’s smile is simply humiliating. But he was forced to do it. It’s not like he had a choice, it’s not like he wanted his teenage years to end like this, so incredibly depressed. Because he didn’t know, he was so happy before, so blind, that he didn’t realize so many things, so many reasons why happiness is so fragile.
He gets lost in his memories only to be woken up by the sound of a car arriving and parking in front of the house he has been admiring. He immediately looks away, he doesn’t want the owner of the house to see him looking at their property. But they don’t seem to notice him as they go straight to the front door and start looking for their keys. For a moment he feels like a ghost. Just out of curiosity he looks back to see who ended up buying that house. But he freezes when he sees black messy hair and skinny legs when he looks down.
This was not how this was supposed to be. It was just going to be a quick trip and maybe some remembering of the sad times of his teenage years. But this, this is not fair, in what world is this fair? And why does God do things like this? Is he supposed to learn? To forgive? To let be? He already did all of those things, he doesn’t need this, not at all. He already had too much of this, too much crying, too much remembering.
As he gets deeper in his thoughts he gets angrier at every single decision that brought him to this point. For God’s sake, he learned to live without him, without this, this sight. You can’t just give it back, it’s too late, too late to make a difference. When was this moment when he needed it? When he would have done everything for a quick sight of him, some kind of information, some reassurance that he was still real, that his memories were real, that anything, everything that kept him tied to this life, to this reality, was still real, or even worth looking for, that living was still worth looking for, that he was worth looking for. Because no one looked after him, but he spent so much time looking for his best friend, and when he gave up for anyone else that would be similar to him. But no one ever came, no one looked after him, no one ever told him that he was worth it.
This feels so wrong, it just is. He had learned to live without this, and now it’s just the piece of a puzzle that doesn’t fit anymore, because he spent years forcing everything else into that empty space. So forced, that it doesn’t look like it was before, and not even the original piece will fit, nothing will actually fit, not perfectly. And it’s sad, so sad, because if he didn’t have left everything would be fine, he would be fine right now, he could be like he used to be. He doesn’t even know what kind of picture this puzzle shows, maybe nothing.Maybe from the beginning it showed nothing.
It would be easier to never see him again. To think of it as impossible, to never come back to this place. Because then he wouldn’t have a reason to feel like this, regretful of having given up, of not looking for long enough, of it being too late. Because if he knew, if only he had any kind of clue he would be here, he could have pushed a little more, and maybe he would be happy to see him. Is he talking about him or himself? He doesn’t know anymore. It’s not like he, himself, is not happy to see him. But there are too many other emotions to feel happy right now.
Now it’s time to question if he, his best friend, is happy to see him. Because between everything he felt when he left, he wondered, for years, how he remembers him, if he even does. He could hide it behind curiosity, but the reality of it was the pathetic wish of being missed, of being needed at some point. But how could he know? If he got closer to say hi he would have to smile just to be polite. And it’s too desperate to just ask directly. So he is helpless, standing in front of this… place. Helpless again to what God desires, because if that man was to turn around and recognize him, he would happily talk to him. But if he didn’t, if he just opened the door and disappeared inside, he would let it happen, too tired to do it differently.
He waits, tortured by the clinging sound of the keys coming out of the man’s pocket. So what if he’s waiting for a miracle? What if for once in his life he gets to be selfish? Wanting to be chased instead of chasing. Because it’s exhausting, because he already ran out of power long ago.
Time doesn’t stop, and neither does the hand opening the door. One second happens, then another, then another. Come on, please, for once, for once in his life, let him get what he wants. This could be the only chance he has, or it could not, he could have an infinite amount of chances for the rest of his life. But this one, this moment, is the only one he has hopes for, from here to the rest of his life, he only hopes for this one.
He opens the door, his feet move and he is inside. Maybe it’s for the best, what would he even say to him? He wasn’t expecting him to turn around to close the door. How long could he take to close a door? It feels eternal. Now he is only a few inches away, not even that, he is a light movement away, it would only take dark eyes to focus on the pathetic figure standing on the neighbor’s yard. Why would he not look at him? How could you ignore a stranger close to you?
He is out of place. That 's the reason. The reason why milliseconds away from being too late. Brown eyes catch on green ones. He feels like disappearing. He opens the door in a swift movement to recognize the other better. God, he is not prepared for this. He is able to see thoughts ghosting his eyes, he feels him thinking about… he is not sure what.
“Bad?” He is so vulnerable. If there’s something, some moment, that would make him feel every nerve of his body tremble, it’s this one.
“H-hi” He tries to show a smile, but it never comes out completely, he feels the stinging pain in his lips. It surprises him even when he was expecting it.
“Hi” A pause “How- how you’ve been? I haven’t seen you in years”
“I’m- I’m fine. I didn’t know…”
“That I came back? Yeah, it wasn’t long ago, like a year maybe”
Why did you leave in the first place?
“Oh”
“Do you… do you want to come in?”
“Should I? Am I not interrupting anything?”
He shouldn’t, he shouldn't, he shouldn't.
“Yeah dude, I have no problem with it. And if you were wondering, no, mom didn’t come with me”
“Oh. How is she by the way?”
“She’s fine, haven’t seen her for a while. So, are you coming inside? or do you want to just chill here?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry”
He isn’t thinking right, his feet move on their own. Maybe it’s best if he treats this as a dream.
“Get comfy, you can sit on the couch. I just got back from work and I have to get some things from the car so you might have to wait a couple minutes. I won’t take too long, I swear!”
He didn’t wait for his response, he just left. And that’s how he always was, he just did things, he didn’t think about them. It’s weird, to even think about living like that, to think life is that simple. But as weird as it is, he kind of gets it, it must feel great. To just be, why can’t he just be? Why doesn’t he have his attitude, his smile, his…
He is woken up out of his thoughts by the sound of a door opening and closing, oh, now it closes quickly.
“Hey, so, I was going to take Rocko- I mean my dog, on a walk. So, do you want to come with me?”
He extends his hand as an invitation. An invitation, only God knows how many nights he spent wishing to hear those words from him. Not exactly in this context, not to take a walk but to run away toge-
“Yeah, it sounds fun”
How did he even interrupt his own thoughts?
He takes his hand.
Awkward steps fill the silence. And things feel easier.
They start walking, he knows where they’re going. That old park where they used to lay on the grass to look at the stars. It’s just a couple minutes walking away from here. He knows this, he knows all about this, how could he forget? Every little detail, the streets, the houses, the people, they are the same, this place will always be the same. Like being a kid, like not caring. And it feels good to know where he’s going, of all the things he thought he would be missing, the feeling of knowing wasn’t what he was expecting.
“So, how have you been? How's life treating you? What has happened since… you know…”
Shouldn’t he be asking that? Not the one who disappeared out of nowhere.
“I’ve been fine. I don’t live here anymore if you were wondering, well, maybe you noticed already. I moved right after I graduated”
“Oh right, how was that?”
“How was what?”
“The graduation”
“Oh, well it was alright, I guess. A lot of paperwork”
“Really? I thought it was going to be awesome, they said they would throw a party for us”
“Oh, I… I think they did, I can’t remember, if they did I didn’t go”
“Why?”
“I was… busy, with college stuff and all of that”
“Oh”
Seconds of silence.
“And… What about our friends? Have you been talking to them? Do you know where they are now? I haven’t been able to get in contact with anyone”
“Oh, I only know of Finn, he wanted to get out of here badly. He moved to… to… I can’t remember, I would have to text him, if the one I have is still his number. I… haven’t talked to him for a while”
“Oh” a pause “I guess everyone moved away. I… I don’t know why, I was kind of expecting to see everyone here when I came back. But- but it makes sense!, it absolutely makes sense. And I’m glad for them, a lot of people wanted to leave from the beginning, but I… I came back”
Suddenly he was seeing everything with new eyes. From his perspective, everything remained the same, but from his, nothing did. And it must be hard to leave in such a rush, he was so close to graduating, and he left. All because… why?
“Why did you leave?”
He lets out a short exhale trying to resemble a laugh, but it doesn’t. He answers.
“I didn’t want to burden you with my story but you were the one who asked so… You know my dad, right?”
“Your dad? You never mentioned your dad”
“I never told you about my dad?! Oh… this is going to be… complicated. I’ll try to sum it up. So, mom and dad don’t get along, that’s why he was never home. Dad was… weird, no, not weird, dangerous, he is a dangerous man. So my mom was running away from him. And I happened to have nowhere to go, so I left with her. And no one could know, she didn’t even tell me, but it’s fine, it made sense. So that’s why I left. Dad’s in jail now so we are free to go wherever we want”
“And you came back”
“Yeah… I don’t know why, ever since I left my goal was to come back, maybe some weird psychological thing about unfinished business, I have no idea. Guess I didn’t think it right, at the end, this is just a small town, maybe there are greater things in other places”
“And you bought your house”
“Yeah, actually, it was empty when I arrived, I just had to pay for it. It was more expensive than what we sold it for”
“Do you ever think about leaving?”
“I… don’t know. I sort of have to figure out my life before thinking about leaving again”
“Oh”
“Yeah, money and work and stuff, mainly money. But it’s alright, life has been great, better than ever”
Better than when they were kids?
“And what about you? Why did you leave?”
“Me? well, mainly to go to college”
“Oh, and how did that go?”
“I dropped out, but it doesn’t really matter, I got a job anyways”
“That’s nice”
“Yeah”
“Yeah”
Another pause.
“For how long are you staying?”
“I’ll leave tomorrow, around… 7 pm, I think”
“Do you want to do something? Let’s take advantage of the fact that you are here! Or… you probably have plans, don’t you?”
“No, I’m free actually. I was looking for what to do”
“Really? Ok, we could… we could… we could go to eat at that place we used to go on my birthday!”
“You sure? Wasn’t that place for special occasions?”
“And what is this? Dude, I haven’t seen you in years”
“Ok ok, sounds fun. Do you want to meet there?”
“Sure, I’ll be there at eating time”
He laughs at the memory “3 pm?”
“Yep!”
A bit of silence.
“Let’s go back, Rocko isn’t the fittest dog, he doesn’t like long walks”
“Ok”
They keep walking and talk about small things. Rocko would get along with Lucy, he thinks, if only they had the chance to meet each other. She would like this place in general, the park, the streets, the people, the environment, him, his voice, his laugh, his stories, his messy hair. This place would be great with the four of them, together. Nothing else but them together.
Once they arrive at his house, they part ways. He takes a last glance at him closing the door, before leaving. He starts walking towards the hotel he will stay for one night. It’s a cheap place, nothing special, but it is quite far away from here, not too much, he could walk, but it would take an hour. He could take a bus if he can remember which one takes you where, but it’s too much contact with other people. He could take a taxi, expensive but efficient. No, it isn’t worth it. Why is it so hard to get anywhere?
He should’ve stayed with him.
His energy is being drained by every step he takes, but he decides to walk. How is he going to show up tomorrow? To a pizza place? As if they were still kids, as if they could go back to the past and his friends would be waiting there, enthusiastic, joyful, full of innocent dreams. And they would spend five hours going on the same slide, chasing each other, throwing a ball from one side to the other. And it would be the second best thing he could experience. But that isn’t happening, because both of them are adults now, and their friends are as well.
Does that pizza place even exist anymore? Did it stay the same?
What a normal but lonely view. A man walking by his own. He wonders, if there’s a place where he belongs it might be this one, nowhere exactly, just the streets and the sound of his feet going one after the other, minutes away from what he wanted for so long and going in the opposite direction. He isn’t sad, but he isn’t happy either, he is just tired. He keeps walking.
Finding the strength to go tomorrow will be hard. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go, he just doesn’t know how it will go. And since he left this town, he has been having a hard time finding in himself any wish of taking risks. But it’s ok, he’ll force himself to do it. The same way he forces himself to remember that he needs to eat. He stops by the first place he encounters. The walk won’t be too tiring if there’s a break in the middle.
He is on automatic mode, because before he realizes he is taking a bite of his food. What woke him up was the pain in his lips, so annoying, it forces him to take small bites. A hamburger? really? Pretty basic but it’s alright. Wait, this better be gluten free-
Let’s timeskip till tomorrow.
He was certain that this was not going to be a very pleasant trip, but he wishes he was wrong. At least now he is in a calm place. The room they gave him is fine, honestly better than what he was expecting. But he can’t stay on this bed forever, he feels uneasy here. Also, he needs to get ready, maybe take a shower. His options are very limited here. A shower will be. He couldn’t get the water to be warm and the weather is still cold, not a very pleasant shower. His clothes were chosen before he knew he would be encountering his childhood friend, but they’re fine, very casual.
Before leaving he looks at a mirror. It’s just his usual self, the one he has been looking at for years. Maybe he was expecting something else, maybe he was expecting to be instantly changed just by the sight of what he lost in the past, just like he swore it would happen when he was feeling hurt. That’s unreasonable, he is sure, but it’s a feelings driven thought.
He starts his walk to the restaurant. This time it won’t be an hour, maybe twenty minutes. He takes a moment to hear the sounds of people passing through, his mind is lighter than yesterday. He thinks about… coming back? How bad could that be? It’s not like he has a lot to lose. People have plans, wishes and dreams they hope to fulfill in their lives, his was always sort of tied to this place. He started thinking about this when he heard him say that once he left his goal was to come back. In a way, he feels the same.
He arrives, he’s thirty minutes early. He should pick a table. Wait, is that him? Why did he arrive so early? He was always late to everything. But still, it’s nice to see him. He focuses on his face, please don’t turn this way, just give him a couple minutes. He analyzes what these years did to his features, who would have guessed he would grow up to be like this? Not that it means something, but when they were kids he never thought about what they would look like in the future. He decides to finally go to him.
He sits, he greets him, he greets him back. They start a light conversation, about everything they forgot to ask in the park. Basically their current lives, their jobs, their hobbies, their family, all of that stuff. He also tells him about this trip, its purpose and how it has been, he hides some details but there are some he can’t.
“Hey, what’s up with your lips?”
He blushes slightly.
“Oh, they are just dry”
“Doesn’t it hurt?”
“A little bit, but it’s not a big deal”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, most of the time I forget about it”
“That’s weird”
“Ey! You’re weird, you muffinhead”
He laughs “What did you just call me?”
“Muffin… head?”
He laughs even harder “I can’t believe you, you still remember- you still use that nickname?!”
“Well yeah, how could I forget?”
“You’re one of a kind Badboy”
“You’re one to talk”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if someone always stood out it was you”
“What? no! I was always a normal dude”
“You were literally the popular kid who got along with pretty much everybody, and it wasn’t for no reason, you were always lifting everybody's spirits up”
“What are you talking about? I never did anything like that”
“When the substitute teacher ran away with the money for the pizza party you threw a party at your house, even if you couldn’t buy the pizza. And it was great, people went crazy for the karaoke and some brought candy and stuff. Everyone left late, and I was the last to leave because I wanted to stay for a sleepover but I didn’t because when your mom arrived from work she got mad at you because of the mess we made, she was going to make you wash the dishes for a month but it ended up being like a week. Sorry, I went off topic”
“Do you remember all of those things?”
“Yeah”
“...That’s crazy dude”
They both laugh.
He retrieves a memory of his past thoughts. When he realized he was not coming back and that he was not going to be able to find him, when he gave up, he said to himself a simple phrase: God, it’s going to take so long before I’m happy again. Because that was the only thing he was actually able to say. Because saying something like “I will never be happy again” was foolish, it was exaggerating, not true because he doesn’t actually know that, his life could end tomorrow or in sixty years and who knows what will happen in that time. But it’s also terribly vague, because it’s useless to try to determine exactly how long is “so long”, it could be days, it could be months, it could be years, it could be the rest of his life. And even now he doesn’t know how much it meant, because happiness is something so complicated and in all honesty he doesn’t know how to recognise it. But he feels he can at least say…
Today, and today did arrive, so it wasn’t the rest of his life. So he made the right choice by leaving it at perhaps. And maybe this trip is not as unpleasant as he thought it was going to be.
He interrupted his thinking.
“You know, I was thinking about what we were talking about yesterday”
“Oh, really? I was also thinking about it, but you go first”
“Ok. Listen, when you asked me if I was leaving I didn’t have a genuine answer because I never even thought about it! But with what you said you opened me a world of possibilities. Dude, I can’t believe I didn’t realize that I don’t have to hide in a small town. My mom brought us here because she was afraid, but I don’t have to live like that, I control my own life, completely independent of whatever screwed it up in the past. I can be whoever I want! I can be the man I wanted to be when I was a kid, isn’t that crazy?”
He smiles, it’s a smile you don’t see everyday. It’s a smile of very important moments, and intimate. The smile someone gives you while telling you their dreams, the smile you would see if you did something very significant for them, the smile of someone who is about to perform what they have been practicing for years. Freedom, change, hope, anticipation. If you are the ones that fall in love with dreamers this smile would knock you out.
But he doesn’t know what to feel, because in that moment he realizes how selfish he has been. For a moment he thought he could stay and they would be happy together. He didn’t realize what this place was for him, what staying would do to him. That what he really needed was to let be, of this place and of the idea of coming back to something that doesn’t exist anymore.
…
Is he talking about him or about himself?
He forces a smile. God it hurt. Did his lips get more dry all of the sudden? But he is supposed to be happy, he is supposed to, for someone who is logical and analytical, why is he unable to make the right choices? Come on, for this moment do it right, for this moment be happy for him. For once, for once in your life don’t be selfish, do it for him, do it for whatever matters to you. If you do it this time you might deserve forgiveness.
“So you’re leaving?”
That’s not what he was supposed to say.
“Yeah! I don’t know where or when, or how I am gonna get the money, but I will!”
He breathes, he remembers. He still loves the man in front of him. He still wants him to be happy, he has since they were kids. Since they were kids he has been grateful for knowing him, for being his friend, someone close to him. For being able to listen to his thoughts, plans, ideas, dreams, desires, stories, wishes… He’s like the Sun, brighting everything up… he can’t stop him, he’s like the Sun, unstoppable, strong, beautiful but dangerous. The simple thought of wanting to hold something that big so close it’s foolish. It’s more than completely possible that he doesn’t belong by his side, and that wouldn’t be unfair, it would just be.
“Then… Can we keep in contact? I want to know where you go and what you do there, I’m sure they’ll be wonderful things, specially because you sound super excited”
“Of course! I was just about to ask you for your number. Dude, I don’t want to lose you again”
You didn’t have to phrase it like that
“I don’t want to lose you either”
As he leaves the restaurant he once again says to himself
God, it’s going to take so long before I’m happy again.
Because once again it’s true. Once again he questions himself how long it will take. It’s useless, he knows that. But now the possibilities are greater, now he is almost sure they will see each other again. Even if it’s possible, he can’t entertain the thought of finding each other again, now redeemed, now their true selves, and just then thinking about a future together. No, he can’t do that anymore, because he made a promise, just for him he will stop being selfish, he will stop wishing for things that aren’t his.
But he can still entertain the thought of meeting up wherever life takes him, and then once again being able to answer: Today. And today will come, today is some place in his future. And yeah, it’s not really an answer, but it’s the only truth he knows. He knows for sure that they will see each other again. He has no doubt that when they do, he will have done amazing things, he will have greater plans and he will shine more than ever. He will be better, he will be what he's supposed to be.
And once again he is very helpless, because he knows what to do about other people but he doesn’t know what to do with himself. With his feelings, his wishes, his thoughts, his desires… he can’t just throw them in the trash and pretend they never existed, he wishes he could, but he can’t. If you are one of the people taking the bus you might see him sobbing quietly in his seat. Please don’t ask him what’s wrong, he won’t be able to answer. Because there’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing to be fixed. It’s just the aftermath, after the surprise of seeing him, the joy of talking to him, the desire of staying, the realization of having to leave, he has gone through so much in less than two days. Two days… his payment for waiting for years was two days that seemed to last minutes.
It’s sad, that’s true, but there’s no other way around it. In a way, between everything he feels, he feels relieved to at least think he’s finally going in the right direction. Hopefully you understand, even if the pain exceeds him now and it burns deep inside his heart, one day he won’t feel as bad and maybe one day he won’t feel bad at all, and that’s what makes him feel at peace.
Even if the view of a man crying on a bus is sad no one knows what actually happened. Only God will listen to this kind of story. Only God will know how long he takes to stop crying and to forgive destiny… and to forgive himself.