Work Text:
"Alright guys, so I, uh, we found this at my parents' house while cleaning up the attic? It was just a- it's this box of papers, it looks like people's journal entries or, like, confessions, shit like that. some of them are really weird and kinda freaky, but the thing is, uh, when i tried to read one to holly - because it was kinda funny, you guys need to experience it -, it… didn't work. like, i was speaking, or at least I think I was speaking? But she couldn't hear anything? Like, my lips were apparently moving, but nothing came out, so she thought I was doing a bit, and- I swear it's not a bit, chat, stop with the damn- stop spamming -2, I'm not making this up! I tried calling Ludwig and reading it to him, that didn't work either!
Chat- look! I have the paper here, look- no, this is not like Grotto Beasts, you think I wrote all this myself? 'Oh, yeah, dude, sure, he wrote like… 15 boxes full of documents to prank us, what an insane streamer!' No, I'm not lifting the boxes to show them to you guys, I'm not even lifting one, they're heavy as shit and it would just mess up my back, and that's not- it's not even the point, I just wanna prove that I can't read them to anyone!"
"...Well, uh. Apparently that's not all that true. Do you guys want, like, reading streams?"
"So this one was, like, one of the first ones I read? And- it's so funny, dude was like the opposite of a horror protagonist. 'Oooh, got a cursed box, better not open it! Should probably put the key in ice so I don't accidentally unlock the big ass padlock!' No, shut up, that British accent was great, you guys just don't know what you're talking about.
'Would you open the box for money off the debt,' well, that- I mean, probably? Depends on how much off, you guys gotta make a good offer- I'm seeing 50k off in the chat. Deal. If you double that, I will even uh- shake hands with whatever is in there."
"Oh this was real gross. Why was he- right, yeah, dude got weirdly stretchy and shit, yeah. Plus he stole a rat spine or what it was? Gross. Like, who does that- 'Jerma, that's not weirder than the fact he's ten kinds of physically fucked up,' alright, I'll give you that, but it's still pretty weird. A book that makes you injure rats and also- yeah, also, like, other humans. Was the dude even a human by the end of that?
'Maybe you should read that book, steal some bones and get taller omegalul,' ban whoever said that. Find that person and ban them for at least three days."
"The thing that bothers me about this is that- how do you arrange teeth into a smile inside something like an apple? Like the- what was it, the cat from Alice in Wonderland? Big, toothy smile? And- what the hell is a 'bone apple teeth,' why do you all keep saying that- oh it's some meme about people mispronouncing stuff, that makes sense. Makes sense that I wouldn't know anything about that.
'Would you eat the apple,' depends. I'm kinda curious if it tastes any different, but it's also really gross overall.
'Would you do it for money off the debt,' well of course, who do you take me for? A coward?"
"This vase is just like when you- ahah, you guys know that feeling when you put your clothes in the washing machine, and one of your socks disappears? So relatable, right? 'Boomer Andy, -2, -2,' alright guys, I get it, not funny, you can stop now. I wonder if you can like- could you feed the vase so it would stop stealing shit from you? Or does it just do whatever it wants?
Someone in chat just said 'homophobic vase'. Oh that's so good. A homophobic vase. Just straight up ate this guy's husband without asking. That's so funny."
"Do you guys think this is the same guy who stole the rat bones from a living rat? Because- okay, okay, the rat bones were not the point of that one, I get it, but like, how else do you want me to describe him. 'Tall, lanky, fucked up, Mr. Bones,' alright, alright, I'll try something else, but also the lady stole sheep bones, so the animal bone fuckery kinda is the point.
This actually reminded me of a dude I met at the gym once back when I lived in Boston, who was big on bodybuilding- well, he was also big like, physically, and was also weird like this, kept talking about 'the perfect physique' and shit. Different continent, yeah, but you think an ocean is gonna stop some sorta eldritch horror from being an asshole in multiple gyms?"
"This pit could be good friends with that weird vase I read about way back, actually. I wonder if they both make people forget about whatever gets… eaten by them. Wait, actually, it could maybe be connected to that box from far, far back, you know, the one the guy gets paid to not open? Both kinda bury people. Huh. That's kinda neat.
Actually, reminds me of something that happened to me when I took Otto for a walk the other day - like you do when you have a dog - and we walked past this- thing, I guess? It looked kinda like one of those small mole hills they make when they burrow into the ground, and Otto just- he tried to dig the mole out, I think. You know. Like a dog does. But the hill just- it never got any smaller. I had to pick him up and carry away, he would not stop trying to dig. So freaky."