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It isn’t the same. It just doesn’t feel right, without Ben.
Jack likes international break. He loves the team, and it’s an honour to play for his country. He’s proud every time he gets to put on that shirt, proud to know that he’s part of something bigger than him, a team of history-makers and budding young legends. Jack loves it here, and he loves all of that.
But Jack is a simple man. He sees things through association, categorises things based on what stands out in his memories. In his mind, international duty and all of his great memories associated with it exist under a large label reading ‘Ben’, and they have done since the day that Ben first smiled at him.
It isn’t that codependency is something Jack usually deals with. It’s not, because Jack has such a friendly, charming nature to him that he’s capable of talking to someone for ten minutes and have them acting like they’ve been best friends for years. Jack isn’t dependant on Ben being here, he isn’t lost without him, and when Ben is here it’s not like Jack only spends time with him because neither of them have anyone else. It’s more that, when they’re together, they don’t particularly care to be around anyone else. They get caught up in each other. They tend to forget that other people are even there. So, in Jack’s simple little brain, international break is a time for losing himself in Ben like they’re on a romantic getaway for two.
But now, Jack feels like he’s on a school trip with all of his best friends who are great, really, they are, but Jack’s proper best friend isn’t there, so now he’s left sitting on his own on the bus with no one to share his snacks with. He’s still having fun, he just isn’t having the kind of fun he wants to be having.
He shouldn’t be complaining. It’s Ben who should be complaining, because he’s the one who’s not here. He’s the one who caught a cold the day before the school trip and had to stay home. It’s him that people should be feeling sorry for, and Jack does. It’s not fair.
It’s difficult to find spare time around here. They only have friendlies to play, but Gareth has a whole bunch of things he wants to get started on to prepare for the world cup, so he’s working everyone extra hard. Even the time that they’re meant to have to themselves isn’t really free, at least it’s not for Jack, because there’s always someone who wants to hang out with him; Phil asking to play fifa, or John inviting him to come have a cup of tea together, or Mase and Dec getting him to judge who can do the best brummie accent (neither of them. The answer is fucking neither of them).
It takes four days for Jack to get a proper second to himself, a good twenty minutes in the evening where nobody wants anything from him. He’s calling Ben on facetime the second the door is closed behind him, unreasonably excited for Ben’s face to finally, finally pop up on Jack’s screen.
Jack is buzzing out of his mind when Ben answers, lips curled into a big, warm smile, his eyes sparkling and crinkling at the sides. Jack imagines this is what a labrador feels like when its’ owner comes home. It’s ridiculous, honestly, the things this wonderful man does to him.
“Hello,” Jack greets, with his typical lazy pronunciation, letting the sounds slip and drop so that it comes out as more of a ‘el-low’. Ben is laughing already, probably at Jack, but that’s perfectly fine. Jack just likes hearing it, the light bubble of his laugh, the audible confirmation that he’s happy.
“Hi,” Ben says back. Jack can’t believe just how good it feels to hear his voice, to see his beautiful face.
“What’ve you been up to then, at home all on your own?” Jack asks, slightly teasing, because he remembers Ben complaining, “What am I supposed to do with myself? You’ll be gone, Mason’ll be gone. I can’t even get Dele to come round anymore!”
“You’ll have Reece,” Jack had reminded him. “He’s not coming now, is he?” That had seemed to placate Ben a little, to Jack’s relief. He didn’t like the idea of Ben being completely alone, watching his national team have fun without him. It’s not the sort of thing Ben would cope with too well. At least having Reece there with him is something.
“I’ve been bored out of my mind,” Ben grumbles, suddenly remembering to look unhappy. He’s going to be playing it up for sympathy, Jack already knows, but he’ll give it to him anyway. “It doesn’t help that every time I go online I see John Stones all over you,” Ben adds mournfully.
Jack laughs, rolling his eyes affectionately. “You must be used to that by now, surely,” he says, because that’s kind of standard practice for him and John. It’s a regular occurrence for Jack with pretty much anyone else in his general vicinity.
“I am,” Ben admits, still sounding aggrieved. “But can’t you tell him to back off when you’re at SGP? That’s our place.”
Jack considers this with faint nostalgia. St George’s Park is their place, international break is their time. It always has been. It’s how they met, it’s where they fell in love, where Jack had realised that he’d do anything to make Ben happy and Ben had realised that nothing could make him as happy as Jack. It’s where they had their first kiss and their first time. When Jack walks through these halls, all the thinks of is Ben. Holding hands on team walks and passing it off as a joke to everyone else. Ben sleeping on Jack’s shoulder at breakfast, and on the plane, and on the team bus, and when the team watch games together. Ben crawling into his bed at night, waking him up in the morning. Kissing Ben underneath the sheets, fucking Ben in the shower. It’s all Ben, all of it, marred by the thought of him, and Jack wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Alright,” Jack agrees, because this place is sacred. “I’ll pack it in with John ‘til we’re back in Manchester.
“Good,” Ben mumbles, and there’s a faint blush to his cheeks now, enough to let Jack know that he was at least a little bit serious. Jack doesn’t laugh, even though he does privately find it slightly funny. “It’s the least you could do, not acting like you’re replacing me.”
“Hey,” Jack says, tentative but firm. “Don’t go getting it into that pretty head of yours that I would ever want anyone other than you.”
Ben sighs. “I’m sorry. I know. It’s just shit, seeing you and everyone else having fun. I just want to be there.”
Jack frowns, placating and validating. He’s getting used to this, learning how to do the right things to make Ben feel better. He thinks he might be abusing phrases like ‘you’ll be back before you know it’ and ‘you’ll come back stronger’, but the words aren’t really what helps Ben, it’s Jack being the one to say them that helps. Jack’s comfort, knowing that Jack is there. This time, Jack doesn’t go with a typical cliche. He says, “Everyone wishes you were here, too,” because it’s true. Even though nobody could possibly miss Ben more than Jack does, the lack of his presence is still felt. He has a brightness that nobody else can replicate.
“I just miss everything,” Ben complains, sighing, his eyes closed. “I miss you so much when you’re not here,” he adds, with something slightly shaky to his voice. Jack can’t stand it. The only thing worse than seeing Ben upset is knowing that he’s upset when Jack can’t do anything about it. Jack likes to take care of people, to look after the ones he loves, and he feels useless when he can’t. It’s horrible. It’s worse when Jack’s upset too, when he can’t even say it’s ok, because he doesn’t really feel like it is.
But Jack knows how to make people feel good, knows how to make Ben feel good easier than anyone else. Sometimes, Jack feels like he has cheat codes to Ben’s mind, because he’s so simple to figure out. Jack just gets him. “I’m going to make it up to you, aren’t I?” he asks lowly, with a small smirk, eyes twinkling. “When I get back, I’m going to fuck you all slow and soft, just the way you like it. I’ll take all night with you if that’s what you want. Every time you move, or make a sound, I’m going to tell you that you’re the prettiest boy in the world, and if you don’t say ‘I know’, I’ll stop until you do.”
Ben’s eyes are blown wide, cheeks a rosy red. “Jack,” he whines, dismayed. “It’s not fair, saying all of that a week before you can actually do it.”
Jack grins, more than happy with that reaction. “I just thought you might need something to think about while I’m gone.”
Ben groans, shifting uncomfortably. “You’re making it worse. I need you here now. I need you to fuck me and cuddle me so I can finally get a proper night’s sleep.”
“You’re so fucking whiny, you are. You’re lucky you’re cute,” says, with no real malice. He’s smiling, and he feels a rush of warm love when Ben giggles quietly. Then, catching on to the final part of Ben’s frustrated statement, Jack adds, “You haven’t been sleeping?”
“I have, but not well,” Ben clarifies, waving off Jack’s concern ineffectively. “I just need you back.”
When Jack looks at him, properly looks, despite the dubious quality of the picture on facetime, Jack can see that Ben is tired, dark circles and a pale, gaunt look to his face. That explains the whinging, at least. “I’ll be there soon, babe. I promise,” he assures, words soft and careful. Ben nods, but the acceptance doesn’t quite reach his exhausted eyes. Jack figures that there’s no real point in pushing it; there’s nothing he can do to help from here, and he imagines he’d only piss Ben off more if he tried. Instead, Jack goes for distraction through humour, “Hey, should I tell Maguire he’s got the room we shagged for the first time in?”
And just like that, Ben is laughing again, his expression all soft and relaxed, just the way Jack likes it. Jack wishes he could be there to kiss him right now. “I think you should,” Ben grins, amused. “He’ll love that.”
“I’ll be sure to let him know it was all very romantic,” Jack adds, and he’s joking, but it’s true, and the memory is lovely to reflect on. Jack’s still just as breathless, just as stunned as he was back then, and he hadn’t thought he could possibly be any more in love, but he falls deeper every day, every time he looks into Ben’s eyes, or hears his voice, or touches his skin. It’s almost scary, the intensity of his feelings, but Jack’s always been emotional like that, and now he finally has someone to reflect the same fervour back at him. Ben doesn’t even need to say it, Jack can feel it, all the time, like it radiates off of the both of them.
“I’m sure he’ll appreciate that,” Ben agrees, but he’s flushed and doe-eyed, and Jack can tell he’s thinking back to that moment just the same. “He’s a hopeless romantic, secretly.”
“Of course he is,” Jack snorts.
There’s more laughter from Ben, fond and enthralling, and then, “What’s that you’re fiddling with?”
“Oh.” Jack looks down, noticing the necklace Ben had bought him for his birthday tangled between his fingers. He lifts up his hand, dangling the chain in front of the camera. “I hadn’t even noticed.”
Ben rolls his eyes, but it’s affectionate, warm in a way that Jack can feel it even through his screen. Ben loves him. Ben loves him so much and it’s written all over his face, his heart always so decipherable, displayed on his sleeve like hiding it never even occurred to him. “Can never stay still, can you?” Ben teases gently, that knowing smile tugging at his lips.
“It’s you,” Jack tells him. “I love you so much, I can’t keep it all inside me. I don’t know what to do with it all when you’re not here.”
“I don’t think love makes you incapable of sitting still,” Ben laughs, expertly pretending that Jack’s words haven’t got him all flustered, even though his face is a perfect red. “But I love you too. More than anything.”
Jack doesn’t bother trying to argue, or elaborate on what he means, that the build up of love with no outlet leaves him restless. Maybe it isn’t even really that, maybe it’s just that Ben still makes him nervous after all this time. Either way, Jack’s mind has already moved on, leaping to the next topic with no room to hang around. “Why don’t you go somewhere, try and have a bit of fun? Looks like fucking everyone’s in Miami right now, you could go there,” he recommends. It’s just a thought, but it’s a lot better than Ben moping around London on his own all day. A bit of relaxation would do him good. Plus, “You look proper fit with a tan, you know?”
Ben considers this for a while, properly thinks about it, which is how Jack knows he’ll probably go for it. “Maybe,” he concedes, but Jack gets the feeling he means yes. It was the bit about the tan that convinced him, Jack knows it was.
Then, there’s a rapid knocking at Jack’s door, followed by a loud and unceremonious call of, “Jack! Come on! Everyone’s waiting for you!” The voice can only belong to Phil, who’s beginning to develop a real knack for interrupting Jack when he’s trying to have meaningful conversations with his boyfriend. It’s like he just knows.
Evidently, Phil’s shouting is loud enough for Ben to pick up on, and he sends Jack a knowing smile. “Being late isn’t like you,” he mocks, laughing to himself. “What important activity are you holding up now?”
Jack rolls his eyes. “Team meeting,” he explains, bored already just from the thought of having to listen to Gareth talk about absolutely nothing for the next half an hour.
“Guess I better let you go then,” Ben says, and he does a great job of keeping the disappointment out of his voice, but Jack can see it in his eyes. It makes Jack all the more hesitant to hang up, he can’t stand the thought of Ben struggling without him, but he knows he doesn’t have a choice. Phil taps on the door again, impatient as always.
“I’m sorry,” Jack frowns, and he really is sorry. There’s nothing he wants less than to say goodbye to Ben right now. All he wants is his boy back by his side, where he belongs.
“Don’t be. Go have fun with the lads,” Ben tells him. If it was anyone else, they wouldn’t even notice the faint jealousy hidden in his tone, but Jack does, because he knows Ben inside out. There’s a slight hesitance, then, where Jack can tell that Ben is deciding whether he should say something else or not. Jack waits patiently, ignoring Phil’s complaints from outside. After a short minute, Ben asks, very quietly, like he’s embarrassed, “Can you call me when you’re going to bed? I know this sounds stupid, but it helps me sleep when we’re not together.”
“That’s not stupid,” Jack says quickly. He can’t keep the endearment off his face, he isn’t even really trying to. He just can’t get over it, how sweet this boy is, how wonderful he is. It’s unbelievable, sometimes, to think that Ben is his. “I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
“I love you,” Ben says through a whisper. It’s strange, Jack thinks, that they’ve said those three words to each other hundreds of times now, but it always sounds meaningful as if it was the first, it still leaves the adrenaline spiking in Jack’s body, amazement in his eyes.
“I love you too,” Jack tells him, with emphasis, because there’s so much more depth to his feelings that just can’t be captured by words. He loves Ben entirely too much. “Go to Miami,” Jack repeats. “Have fun. Be here when I get back. I’ll come to yours, and I’ll make all the time away from each other worth it. I promise.”
“Ok,” Ben says, and Jack believes he means it. “Talk to you later?”
“Of course, love,” Jack confirms, and then he’s hanging up reluctantly, missing the soft glow of Ben’s face within seconds. He takes in a few long breaths before he’s ready to answer the door, calming himself, coming down from the happiness only Ben can give to him.
When Jack opens the door, Phil is stood with a shit eating grin. “I’m telling Gareth you’re late because you were having phone sex with Chilly.”
Jack nudges him, hard enough to be only slightly painful. “Shut up, you little twat,” he mutters, but there’s a smile on his face, clearly heard in his voice, and he’s happy. He’s so, so happy.