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“Maybe you can get away with smoking, but our championship is tomorrow, so I can’t screw up my lungs.”
“You’re annoyingly responsible.” Ryo pulled out a lighter. “Besides, you smoke every other day anyway. What’s refraining the night before gonna do for you?”
Akira shrugged. “Not sure. It just feels wrong.”
“Whatever.” Ryo lit a cigarette and leaned against the wall. They were behind the bleachers and the sun was setting. The light filtered through the gaps in the seats, casting stripes across their arms and legs. Track practice had ended thirty minutes ago, and everyone else had left, but they’d stayed behind. They hadn’t chosen to stay late – neither one had started to leave, so they’d simply stayed put. Akira was flipping through a textbook, pencil in his mouth. He had a habit of chewing on pencils, Ryo had noticed. He hoped none of Akira’s classmates asked him for spare pencils.
“How does the eraser taste?”
Akira jumped up and took the pencil out of his mouth. “Not bad, actually.”
“There’s something very wrong with you.”
Akira laughed. “It helps me think.” He wrote something in the margin of the book before looking up again. “It’s also a nervous habit, I guess.”
“You’re nervous?”
“The championship is tomorrow.”
“Right.” Ryo didn’t understand Akira’s nerves. He was going to be fine. He always was.
“I’m nervous for Miki.”
Ryo took his cigarette out of his mouth sharply and bit his tongue so he wouldn’t say anything he’d regret too badly. “Why are you nervous for her?” He hadn’t meant to spit out her with such distain, but he had.
“She’s never been to a championship meet before, so she’s probably nervous.” He looked at his watch. “Speaking of her, I should probably head home. It’s dinnertime.”
“Is it?,” asked Ryo, knowing full well what time it was. “Feels like practice just ended.”'
“We’ve been here for an hour.” Akira started picking up his books. His schoolbag, which had once been proportional to his size, now looked comically small on his back. “Come on, you’re my ride home.”
“You should learn how to drive one of these days. I could teach you.”
“No offense, but you’re the last person I’d want to teach me.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
Akira laughed, but Ryo didn’t, even though he didn’t know why he was so tense. They stepped into the light of the sunset, and the stadium lights that surrounded the track switched on while they walked across the field as the sun sunk lower in the sky.
.
“Why are you home so late?”
“Sorry, Miki.” Akira turned to wave to Ryo, but he’d already driven away. “What’s up with him?”
“Hm?”
“Nothing. Is dinner ready?” He slipped off one of his shoes and hopped into the house as he tried to take off his other shoe on one foot.
“Almost.” Miki was smiling, but there was an air of concern behind it. Akira knew that he’d been making her worry, on top of whatever nerves she had about the championship tomorrow. He’d been staying out later than usual lately, partially because of track, and partially because he didn’t have any other chance to catch up with Ryo.
All through dinner, Miki kept looking at him while she thought his attention was diverted. They were the same subtle looks fraught with anxiety that she’d given him when he’d come home. He pretended not to notice.
After dinner, Akira went to his room to shower, but Miki caught up with him as his hand was on his doorknob. He spun around awkwardly to look less like he was avoiding her, which he wasn’t, but who knew what went on in Miki’s head.
“Yes?”
“You seem nervous,” she said, looking around. It was her way of saying she felt awkward discussing this in the hallway, so Akira opened the door.
“Me? Nervous?”
“As soon as you walked in. You looked bothered.”
“Not sure why that is, because I was gonna say the same about you.” He worried that he’d been too blunt, but Miki didn’t seem bothered.
“I was worried for you.”
“I was worried for you!”
Miki sighed. “You’re still so soft-hearted. I’m not worried about the meet tomorrow.” She gave off an aura of confidence, and Akira believed her. She was the star runner after all. “I am worried about you staying out so late all the time. You didn’t used to do that.”
“Oh.” Anxiety about track would have been easier for Akira to talk Miki out of. “I stay late to practice, and after school is the only time I can catch up with Ryo.”
Miki nodded. “You two are really good friends, aren’t you?”
“Of course we are. I’ve known him since childhood.” Akira wasn’t sure where Miki was going with this; however, he knew Miki wasn’t very fond of Ryo. He supposed he understood, but there was nothing to worry about.
“You really are so different after hanging out with him so much.”
“Good different or-“
“Good different.” She answered very quickly before sighing to compose herself. “He makes you more confident, I think.”
“Then what’s the worry?”
Miki shook her head. “I’m not sure. I just can’t trust him, I’m sorry.”
“He saved us from a gang that one time. Why would he be untrustworthy?”
“I really don’t know. I just-“ She stopped to think. “I just wonder what’s so good about him that’s changed you so much. How did you manage to find a person so good for you? Feels like those kinds of friendships only exist in movies.” She laughed quietly and quickly.
What was that supposed to mean? Before Akira could ask, Miki turned to leave. “I just don’t want anything bad happening to you. You don’t use your head enough.”
“Nothing bad will happen to me.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry so much. We can’t have you nervous for tomorrow, can we? Tomorrow will only be about track, I promise.”
Miki smiled, and there was less anxiety behind it this time. “We shouldn't worry, you’re right.”
.
What the hell was Miki talking about?
Akira knew he had to sleep but he was so baffled by the conversation that he’d had. What was Miki trying to say? Had she complimented him or lectured him?
There wasn’t anything wrong with Ryo. They were just two very different people. How bad could a person who took the time to drive him to and from school be? Akira couldn’t actually remember a time where Ryo had betrayed him or been untrustworthy. They were always by each other’s sides, actually.
There was no one else Akira would want by his side, the more he thought about it. He wanted to put Miki’s heart at ease, but he wasn’t sure what he’d do without Ryo. Life before they’d reunited had been dull and boring now that he thought about it.
Oh.
He looked out his window and saw a neon sign flickering. Clouds passed overhead, and thunder echoed through the neighborhood. The rain would bring cool weather for tomorrow. Wind from the oncoming storm blew the sounds of the city into his room, and he heard people talking to one another on the street. A woman playfully said I love you to a man, and a car door closed. It was so easy for her to articulate.
So that’s what Miki had been trying to say.
.
They’d won! Akira yelled in victory, gold medal in hand. All the nerves that he’d pretended not to have had been for nothing! They would go on to nationals!
He made eye contact with Miki and sprinted across the field to hug her. They hugged and laughed with wild abandon, forgetting for a moment that they were in public.
Akira looked into the stands and saw Ryo sitting away from the main crowd of people. Though he couldn’t be entirely sure, he thought he saw Ryo smiling, but when he looked back again, he was gone.
“Will you be home early tonight,” asked Miki, calling Akira’s attention back into focus. “We’re going to have a victory dinner and celebrate.”
“I’ll be there.”
.
Dinner had been filling, and Akira was still full of joy and pride. The nervous excitement he felt for nationals was like a drug filling him up entirely – and it felt a hell of a lot better than real drugs, too.
He hung the gold medal on his wall and stared at it, still in disbelief. A few months ago, he would never have believed that he was capable of such a thing.
He was drawn from the admiration by a rock hitting his window. He opened it to see Ryo standing two floors below him.
“Hi!” He waved excitedly, unable to contain his smile.
“Congratulations.” Ryo nodded at him. “Wanna go celebrate?”
“I already ate.”
Ryo scoffed at him. “I’m not taking you to a stuffy resteraunt. Come on.”
Akira looked behind him, feeling a moment of doubt. “Where?”
“You’ll have fun. It’s kind of tame, though.” Ryo mentioned that as if it were a drawback.
Akira wondered what Ryo’s definition of tame was, and he hesitated, remembering the previous night’s revelations. “Ryo, I don’t know if-“
“Alright then. I understand.” He turned to leave, but just before he could reach his car, Akira, emboldened by his victory and by a fear of missing out, jumped out his window. It may have been two stories, but he knew he’d be fine. He’d jumped off higher.
As he got into the car, his anxiety somehow grew and melted away at the same time. By the time the car was out of sight, Miki had made it into the room, and upon seeing that it was empty, she felt her heart sink. She’d been right after all.
.
Ryo had taken them to a run-down club under an overpass, and disco music could be heard from outside the building. “You think they let minors in here?”
“Doesn’t matter if they do or don’t. You barely look sixteen.”
Akira shrugged. It was true. Still, he felt nervous. He wished that he still lived in ignorance. Only yesterday he’d been able to spend time with Ryo in shared peace and quiet, but now he felt like he had to have the last word. He had to keep Ryo’s attention, yet it was also the last thing he wanted.
.
The inside of the club was lit by brightly colored lights, and the dance floor was tiled. There was a crowded bar, and people danced without a care in the world.
“See? Tame as promised.” Just as Ryo said that, he and Akira spotted someone doing a line of morphine in the back of the room, and they both laughed at the irony of it all.
Ryo wasn’t sure why he’d brought Akira here. To celebrate, yes, but that felt too shallow a reason for the feelings he had. He hoped tonight would go right, but he wasn’t even sure what that meant. Since he’d always been shit at naming what he felt, he chose not to worry about it as he ordered them drinks.
Their conversation was a blur of neon colors and the sound of nice, heeled shoes against a dance floor. Time passed quickly as they got vaguely tipsy, both drunk off Akira’s victory at the championship. There was something different about tonight, however. Akira seemed strangely distracted, no matter how much he drank or how well he knew the song that was playing.
Ryo was pulled from his thoughts by Akira grabbing his hand. A new song had started. “Come on.”
“What?”
“Come on!” Akira grinned at him without a care in the world, and Ryo was momentarily petrified at the idea of getting into the middle of a crowd, but there was something about the indescribable feeling he had that pushed him forward. Before he knew it, they were in the middle of the crowd of people, dancing as if they were average members of the mindless human population without a single burden on their shoulders. Ryo felt his nerves loosen, and he gave in to the fact that he was dancing and having fun. It wasn’t as horrific as he’d thought it would be.
“Are you enjoying yourself?” asked Akira in disbelief. Ryo knew he was teasing him and let out a short, sarcastic laugh.
“Hell no. Dancing’s awful.”
Akira laughed, but it was weaker than his usual laughs, and his face fell. The volume of the music rose, and no matter how loud they spoke, no one could hear their conversation but them.
“Ryo, I’ve gotta tell you something.”
“What?” He was calm, but the unnamed and rather terrifying feelings he had shook the bars of their cage.
Akira looked down, then up, then down again. “Ryo, I-“
In an instant, the feelings gained a name, and Ryo wished they hadn’t, yet he was also beyond grateful that they finally had. He’d never been afraid before, but he was scared of what Akira would say to finish the sentence, so he put a finger to Akira’s lips.
“Don’t say it. You’d ruin the moment.”
Akira, wide-eyed, nodded and let his smile return. In that moment, nothing existed but them and the music that was probably giving them hearing damage for the rest of their lives. They briefly pulled apart, strangely fearful of one another, even though neither one of them truly wanted to be separated. Ryo could hear his own heartbeat despite the loudness of the party around them.
Before Ryo had a chance to process the fear he felt, they were back together again, staring at each other as if they’d never met. Milliseconds passed like years, and the fear was gone. This felt right. Strange and nerve-wracking, but right, and Ryo felt no fear when they kissed one another in a moment of victory over themselves.