Work Text:
Maya entered their apartment, grateful to have finally reached the peace of home, her mind racing. Every inch of muscle in her body scorched with pain currently screaming out for rest. Her ribs and leg along her left side grazed and bruised having being knocked to the ground by the explosion in the parking lot earlier on in shift. Every other fibre in her body was kissed by exhaustion thanks to Beckett's end of shift drills, his command unwavering until he got the answer he was looking for, his words and demands relentless despite the hallow faces of his aggravated, broken and beaten-down team.
Pain seared through her body as she moved about quietly hoping not to disturb Carina who was likely in bed at this hour, her movements awkward as she clenched her teeth hissing back a grimace while removing her coat and putting away her bag. She didn’t mind pain, her teenage years had thought her to overlook it pushing it to the back of her mind but this was the worst she's felt in a very long time.
'Embrace the pain'.
A re-introduction of the phrase she thought she had successfully erased from her mind forevermore. However, the turmoil the last few months brought on only seemed to feed her mental state pushing it to revert to its unhealthy habits.
'Eye's Forward'.
She moved silently throughout their apartment, it was now near 11 pm. It had been three hours since the end of shift by the time they were finally allowed to leave the station. Maya hoped her wife was asleep, it was still a little early and Carina did always like to stay up until she knew her wife was home safely, but today Maya willed the Italian to have changed her routine and instead to have fallen asleep that bit earlier. She knew they needed to talk, to finally discuss how they were going to speak with Jack. But right now she was too tired to have the conversation, her brain too tired to think.
She filled a glass of water chugging down its cool contents before reaching into their medicine drawer, hoping painkillers would offer up enough grace and allow sleep to befell her aching joints. Upon arriving into the kitchen she immediately noticed the light shining under their bedroom door, illuminating their otherwise dark apartment, the only other light source coming from the small lamp perched beside their couch. The Italian always kept the lamp on at night, especially when Maya was coming in from work late, the thought behind the simple action always warmed her heart, the kindness simply endearing. She never had someone care enough about her to leave a light on for her, no one who ever deemed her worthy enough of such a simple kind gesture.
At least not until she found Carina. Her Carina.
After another few gulps of water, she sucked in a deep breath. That stream of light signalled to her that Carina was likely still awake, the thought played on her mind like a catch-22 she wanted nothing more than to be curled up in her wife’s arms, she could already hear the whispering of sweet nothings in Italian as she was held safely within the confines of the brunette's warm embrace, but at the same time she knew Carina would want to talk and tonight she was just so tired.
Exhaustion lingered on her bones.
'I'm exhausted'
As soon as she entered the bedroom, Carina’s face lit up, her chestnut brown eyes widened with love and lust at the sight of her partner's return. However long they would stay together, Maya knew she would never tire of seeing the excitement and look of pure unadulterated love grace her wife’s features. “Ciao Bambina… you’re home later than planned?”
“I know… sorry things got weird at the station after I messaged you,”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really, I just want to shower and go to bed…” Maya sighed limply, turning weakly to take a seat on the stool by their dresser carefully she began to remove her shoes and socks.
“Okay…” Carina sighed too this time, the look of excitement quick to slip into one of discouragement, the change of air not going unnoticed by either of them.
“Carina, I know you want to talk and I probably stupidly got your hopes up with that text… I just… I was ready to have a proper conversation, I really was. I promise… then work happened… and Beckett happened... and I want to be in this 100% and right now I’m not and it just wouldn't be fair to you," the firefighter rushed out her explanation on a single breath, her hand brushing back the messy strands of sweat strained hair around her face, looking at the brunette an apologetic look landing on her features. "Look, I’m off work tomorrow, we can talk through everything in the morning? Please? I just need to not think for tonight...” a feeling of guilt flooded her veins, as her eyes captured the glimpse of disappointment awash on the Italian’s face, she could tell Carina was trying to hide behind a shy smile of understanding and patience but Maya knew her partner better. Maya knew her wife like no other. She also knew it wasn’t fair or just to the other woman to have this conversation now, not when it would likely end in a stupid argument with her saying something even more stupid.
“Okay… tomorrow it is then,” Carina smiled again, despite the disappointment she too knew Maya and the intricacies of her being, she knew how the blonde's thought process worked and if now wasn't a good time then Maya was probably right. In the years they had been together, Carina had come to really appreciate her wife's growth, her ability to verbalise where her mind was at, throughout the good and the bad, it came with such relief to see the firefighter face up to these difficult conversations instead of running in the opposite direction. If Maya needed some more time, then time she would give her. Comfort did come in the form of reassurance, Maya was never amiss in confidently conveying to the Italian how much she wanted this baby for them, she wanted to be all in, so if she needed to not have any baby conversation tonight, to allow her to be all in, then Carina was more than happy to respect that.
Maya stood back up after a moment of rubbing at her feet and up along her calves trying to ease the tension still lingering there, Carina watched her quietly and couldn't help but wonder what had happened between Maya sending her the text to this moment right now. The blonde looked shattered and somewhat broken, she could tell Maya wasn't ready to be comforted just yet, but that's all she wanted to do. A complete change of mood hung on the smaller woman's demeanour, a complete 180 from the playful and flirty air of messages they exchanged just a couple of hours earlier after Maya's initial agreement to speak with Jack. The Italian's eyes flitted between her laptop screen to the blonde as she gazed at her wife still pottering around their room cautiously getting ready for a shower. Carina caught a glance of something cross Maya's features as she reached up to pull out her hair tie, she wasn't quite sure what the pained look conveyed exactly however just as quick as the grimace flashed across the firefighter's features, some answers and even more questions came the moment Maya removed her Station 19 t-shirt exposing her upper body down to just her sports bra.
“Maya… Dios Mio… Che cosa le è successo?” Carina instantly jumped up out of bed to run to her wife’s side, her eyes immediately drawn to the blues and purples that were tattooed across the firefighter's left side and down over her hip, following its trail, she helped the blonde remove her work trousers to reveal a bandage wrapped around her thigh, the white bandage fabric a sharp contrast to the ever-darkening bruises that stained her skin there too. Maya remained silent, allowing Carina the time she needed to take in the sight. Allowing her time to process and just breathe. She'd be lying to herself if she didn't admit also being a little surprised by how much the injury developed in colour between Ben fixing her up a couple of hours earlier, to now. Carina's fingertips were gentle as they floated across the sensitive and injured skin, a furrow grew deeper in the Doctor's brow as took in the imagery of her injured wife before her, a nauseous swell twisting in her stomach.
Maya winced as her wife's touch reached a particularly tender rib.
"Mi dispiace, Amore Mio," [I'm sorry, My Love] Her words said on a whispered frown, her eyes meeting Maya's with worry and concern.
“There’s was an explosion during the parking lot fire... Jack and I were thrown about 15 feet. It’s fine. I’m fine... Ben checked us both over once we got back to the firehouse,” Maya explained, her tone completely neutral.
“What do you mean 'it's fine', it's so fuckin' far from fine, Maya! Half of your body is black and blue, your left leg is wrapped in bloodied bandages. Porca Miseria! 'it's fine' no... no Maya! it's not fine! Come on, stupida!" She spat out in frustration, "Did you lose consciousness?! You might need an MRI or CT? I can call Amelia and have her on standby,” Carina spoke, immediately irritated by her wife's non-chalence while panic rose on her tone. Normally she was the calm, cool-headed one. Instead, now her mind was running a mile a minute, the thought of something happening to her wife always played on her mind, the devastating thought lived within her ever since she first laid eyes on the firefighter. It was only as of late though that the anxious thoughts and feeling of gut-wrenching worry seemed to escalate to a level of more extreme panic, the fear of losing her soulmate absolutely exasperated ever since Maya verbalised not wanting to leave Carina alone if anything was to happen to her, those words leaving a permanent scar in her mind.
Maya chuckled lightly, amused by her wife’s reaction, however, any breath of humour was quickly removed from the situation when Carina shot her a daring look. Maya faltered, realising the extent of the Italian's worry, her hand careful in its quest to settle upon the brunette's cheek as she encouraged her to stand up, willing her to look her eye to eye. Her thumbs were gentle as they tentatively caressed the brunette's face, one wiping away a stray fearful tear while the other tenderly brushed back a stray strand of silken brown hair. Pulling her closer, she allowed her lips to offer comfort as they settled against Carina's, soft in their touch whispering words of encouragement. The pair stayed like that for a moment, embraced in a kiss, Maya willing her body to show Carina she was okay. Entrusting the connection they shared to offer reassurance.
“Carina, look at me, please," She took half a step back so the doctor could properly look her up and down. "I’m here, still in one piece. Ben checked me over, head to toe. My BP and heart rate were good, the reading came back absolutely fine. You can take them yourself if you want some extra reassurance? There’s some bruising as you've seen along my ribs and hip and a superficial graze along my thigh but nothing serious. No broken bones. No stitches. No dislocations." She paused, her eyes not once straying from her wife's watching her take in every word she uttered, sealing her meaning as she kissed her once more. "No headache, no dizziness, no blurry vision, no nausea. I've eaten a full meal, re-hydrated and successfully used the bathroom since the incident occurred," she continued listing all the important medical checkpoints she could think of to continue her reassurance. "I am sore and in pain, I won't lie about that one... because I'm pretty sure you can see it on my face, but it's just some aches and pains, nothing a hot shower, some pain relief and a good night’s sleep next to my wife won’t cure," she smiled seeing the glimmer of relief encouraging a smile on the Italian's face. "I didn’t lose consciousness... I was back on my feet within 30 seconds, my reflexes have never been better. My pupils are hopefully still equal and reactive. But I'll let you be the judge of that one though?"
"Your eyes, those beautiful blue eyes... they've never looked better,"
"Glad to hear it, Dr. Deluca," Maya smirked, kissing her once more.
"Jack... you mentioned you were partnered with Jack, is he okay too?"
"I think Gibson passed out momentarily, he’s good, just some cuts and bruises. Nothing serious, we’re both good. I promise.” Carina's eyes never once straying from the blue’s of her wife, still taking in every single word uttered her way. “Don’t you know I love you far too much, to let a stupid car explosion take me away from you?”
“I love you too, Maya. I really wish you would have told me sooner though,"
"Carina it really wasn't that serious,"
"You say that... but your injury-riddled body says otherwise, Maya,"
“I know, fine, I just didn’t want to worry you...”
“I’m always worried... I’m always going to be worried. I would rather you tell me than see my wife come home unexpectedly covered in bruises,” She warned, she appreciated Maya taking the time to reassure her but she needed to express her feelings too, her tone much more serious this time.
“I’m sorry, okay... things got a little hectic when we got back to the station and I guess I just didn't think to mention it!” the blonde became suddenly defensive hearing the annoyance growing in on Carina's voice.
"You didn't think to mention an explosion that could have killed you?" Carina questioned, her arms folding defensively.
"I told you things got weird at the station, Beckett he..."
“Beckett? I don't care about Beckett, Maya. I care about you. Okay, so things got weird at the station so you keep saying... but you also keep telling me how important I am to you, Maya. But when you go and do things like this it really doesn’t always feel like it. Especially these past couple of months,” Carina snapped, finally bubbling over unable to hold her tongue.
“Really Carina... do you actually want to have this argument now?!” Maya sighed throwing her hand in the air as she took a couple of steps back from her wife. “No you’re right, maybe I haven't been prioritising you or figuring out this whole baby thing. I will hold my hands up and take ownership of that one. But look at what I'm dealing with here, every other aspect of my life, outside of us, is falling apart before my very eyes and I can do absolutely nothing about it. Anytime I try to change something I get shut back down instantly. I’m failing every fuckin’ thing I touch lately... guess I'll just go ahead and add our marriage and you to that list now too,” Maya shouted back, her eyes rimmed with tears. A burning pain seared across her ribs as she winced, her anger causing her abdomen to flex, pull and twist in all the wrong ways.
“You should go shower,” Carina spoke after a beat, knowing neither were in the right mindset to have this discussion, she was also quick to notice the amount of pressure the heightened emotions were putting on her wife’s injuries not wanting to make them in any way worse.
“Really, now you back down? After telling me how I don't put you first... here I am, putting you first Carina! You were all for having this conversation a moment...” Maya spat back still fired up for an argument.
“Maya... please just go and shower!” Carina interrupted before things really did escalate further, pointing towards their ensuite bathroom. “You’ve had a tough day. Having this conversation now is not going to be of any benefit to you or to me. We both know that,”
“Fine!” Maya turned to grab a towel, entering the bathroom, quick to turn on the water to cover the sound of heartbreaking sobs that would soon wrack her body.
The shower thankfully did help, most importantly it gave her the space to just breathe and be alone for a few minutes. The hot water offered a well-earned feeling of relief against her tired and bruised muscles. Every inch of her being ached not only thanks to the explosion but also the two-hour drill session set by Beckett until Sullivan finally spoke up. She towelled off quickly putting on a fresh oversized Seattle Mariners t-shirt and some boxers, ready for bed before she grabbed a fresh roll of bandages to re-wrap the cuts along her thigh. Quickly, the action rendered her out of breath she was finding what would normally be a simple task of catering to her wounds incredibly difficult. Her injuries meant she was now unable to properly reach down to wrap the white material around her thigh, the movement causing far too much strain against her ribs.
After a number of tries, she eventually gave in. Sucking in a deep breath she decided to swallow her pride.
“Can you help me please...” she whispered timidly as she re-entered their bedroom. Carina looked up from her laptop again, without a word she simply nodded and approached the blonde, carefully taking the dressing from her hand.
“I’m sorry for what I said earlier...” Maya uttered after a beat, chewing on her bottom lip as she watched the Italian gracefully wrap her injured leg.
“It’s okay,” Carina returned, her lips offering comfort in a gentle kiss just below the firefighter’s hip bone. An easy silence settled around them as Carina continued bandaging up her wife, Maya feeling relief in the brunette's soft touch.
“He reminds me of Andrea…” Carina hummed quietly after a while, her nimble fingers gentle as they finished up the dressing
“Sorry… who?” Maya questioned confused by the sudden statement.
“I know you don't want to talk about this now but, Jack… he really reminds me of Andrea. I don’t think it fully clicked with me until you mentioned the explosion today,” Carina explained standing up, placing a soft kiss on Maya’s cheek before she retreated back to their bed. “The thought of you getting hurt… seriously hurt,” she corrected, not wanting her words to cause another argument when Maya rolled her eyes wrapping her damp hair up in a bun before climbing into bed beside the Italian. “terrifies me… scares me more than anything else in this world. But then when you mentioned Jack also getting hurt, of course, that scares me too just like it would if it was Travis or Andy or Vic. Jack is our friend now, a really good one too, but when you mentioned he too got hurt it ultimately made me think about Andrea. About the day he died, losing him feels like it only happened yesterday all over again.”
“Are you okay… sorry I should have known this kind of thing might trigger some residual grief,” Maya offered, her fingers quick to find safety in the confines of Carina’s as she entangled their hands tightly.
“No no… of course, I’m sad, I don’t think the grief will ever fully leave me. What I mean to say is and it's really difficult to explain but Jack in a weird way has really helped to fill the gap in my life that Andrea left behind. I don’t think I realised it, but he has kind of become another stupid little brother, they even share a lot of the same traits; hardworking, loyal to a fault, stubborn, smart but oh so stupid at certain times too...”
“Handsome, wasn’t that one of the adjectives you also used earlier today… Andrew Deluca was a very very handsome man. The day of the drain rescue he charmed pretty much everyone at 19 with his good looks…”
“Is this your way of getting me back for my comments about Jack earlier this morning in barn?” Carina smiled playfully, poking the blonde in the side.
“You’re lucky he has an even more beautiful, charming and intelligent sister,” Maya smirked, “I might have sought after the wrong DeLuca,”
“Who’s being the charmer now, Bishop?” Carina laughed, capturing the firefighter’s jaw with her hand and pulling her into a searing kiss.
“Okay… I guess that makes a little more sense as to why you would want to use Jack as the donor. He pretty much encapsulates all the best traits of your brother and why wouldn’t we want that for our baby. Andrew Deluca was a really good guy and in the short span of time I knew him, I know he would have adored absolutely everything about his future niece or nephew... he would have been the very best uncle,” Maya smiled leaning her head into Carina's shoulder seeing her words bring tears to the Italian's eyes.
"Andrea would love our child like no other. You're right he would have been the very best uncle," Carina chuckled lightly through a watery smile. “I think that’s why we need to reconsider…” Carina replied, her words causing confusion as Maya sat up brows furrowed trying to understand exactly what her wife was saying.
“Reconsider having a baby… or Jack?”
“Jack,”
“Okay? But why the sudden 180?”
“I think Jack is our easy answer. I think the relationship I’ve built with him over these past few months while we worked on the clinic together is special and I have more respect for him than ever before, despite my issues with your and his history, but I think without realizing it amidst all this back and forth he was there and we have this bond together now because he is, in so many ways, just like Andrea. I think in a weird way we've grown closer because we've both lost someone so close to us, I lost a little brother and he lost a friend. I have been fortunate enough to have gained another stupid little brother in Jack, he'll never replace Andrea, no one ever will come close to that. I don't have many people in my life anymore, Maya. Of course, I have you and what we have will always be so so special and untouchable in every sense of the meaning, but it's also really nice to play the role of 'big' sister again. I think that bond that Jack and I now share has blinded me to the reality, the real reality, of our situation, Mai," she paused taking a breath trying to gauge the blonde's reaction. "Jack would be our easy answer… I've no doubts he too will be a wonderful uncle to our child but to use him as the sperm donor could get really messy and damaging for all involved if things were ever to become in any way complicated and I know right now my heart isn't prepared to lose another brother... especially not over a situation we could have avoided. I've been so wrapped up in us figuring out this last piece of the puzzle that has been hanging over us, that I'm forgetting how well I know this field. I know just how stressful and difficult these situations can become, particular those in known donor cases, I've read multiple studies and seen the complications first-hand, don't get me wrong I've seen them work wonderfully too, but I don't know if we can take such a risk. With known donor cases there's so much therapy required and then a mountain of legal mishmash you have to thread through, waiver after waiver, it gets really personal really quickly and that alone can strain even the strongest of relationships whether it be the couple themselves or with the donor. I know the laws in the state of Washington protect us and would recognise you and I both as equal parents of our child, but what if one day that changes, just look at what's happening in Florida right now. What if one day we decided to move to Italy, where my home country would be quicker to accept Jack and I as our future child's parents in the eyes of the law before it would recognise you as our child's mother, despite him simply having only donated some DNA in order for us to create our family.”
“Maybe you’re right maybe we’ve just been going back and forth on this for so long and Jack was the easy answer. Maybe we do need to consider someone else? Everything you just said makes so much sense, I don't think we should close off the idea of it's being an anonymous donor either...”
“Okay… why are you suddenly changing your mind now?”
“Well okay let me explain. Warren announced today that he and Bailey are finally getting full custody of Pru, we got her back to her family at 19, exactly where Miller wanted her to be” she paused to look at Carina, enjoying the look of joy that appeared in the exact manner it did across the faces of those at 19. “A couple of weeks ago I told you I wanted you to have someone in your life if anything was to ever happen to me. There's no point in me denying the reality anymore, but today, if the circumstance were in any way worse or more dangerous, Jack and I both could have been killed in the line of duty. What I told you that day in the beanery means nothing. However, this afternoon when I got to witness the team’s pure delight and dwell in the feeling of joy, the moment Warren shared the news about Pru, it quickly reminded me, that no matter what, known donor or unknown donor, you and our future child or children would always have 19. They're your family, too.”
“Bailey and Warren really got Pru, huh?” Carina asked her eyes mirroring Maya’s, tear-stained with delight.
“mmmhmmm,” Maya hummed kissing the Italian once again. “I thought about it and if you're open to the idea. I really want us to find Mason and see if will be our donor, he’s been keeping in contact with my Mom ever since she left Lane. I know that too comes with its own set of complications but I think he’s been doing a lot better lately and has been clean for about a year now, he got a job in a coffee shop in Portland but is also attending some local art classes in the evening,”
“Okay?” Carina smiled, nodding her head moving closer as she brushed a couple of drying strands of hair out of her wife's face.
“Carina, I know I said I want our child to come from good genetics and my family definitely doesn’t have the most perfect DNA or history, I mean Mason’s an addict and my dad is abusive and controlling and I have my own fair share of issues to add too, but..."
"Yes," Carina interrupted the blonde's train of thought.
"Yes?"
"Let's do it, let's explore Mason as our next option. Maya, you're right, you're family history isn't the most straightforward but in reality, neither is mine. But what I do know is that you're strong, resilient, athletic, strong, funny, hot-headed, stubborn, smart, brave, kind, determined and so insanely beautiful. You have an abnormal liking for gross green smoothies and running at 5 am in the morning, you have the loveliest singing voice and an even cuter morning voice when you're tired after a tough shift. You get jittery and quickly irritated whenever you think we're going to be even a second late and I love it all. Truth be told, can you tie any of those traits or quirks down to genetics? Honestly, we'll probably never know, but what I do know is that if any single one of those traits, amongst many others I haven't even mentioned, get passed down to our child, I will cherish every single day I also get the opportunity to count my blessing on a little you, too."