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Nothing was on Hifumi’s mind except for the quickest way to grab his bag and get into the host club’s employee-only bathroom. He couldn’t stand to sit there anymore, not after the words that a customer had uttered to him, a phrase that had particularly set off something in his brain. And something else had set him off as well, something that reminded him of her– yet he couldn’t place exactly what it was. Something that knocked at his senses, at his memories, and sent him into the spiral that he was in now. There was no way he could sit in that room any longer, becoming shaky and horrid, vivid memories flooding the front of his mind.
And so he grabbed his things and ran into that bathroom, locking himself in a stall and pulling a small carton out of his bag. It didn’t entirely occur to him at the moment that it had been years since a cigarette had touched his lips, yet he kept them handy for a moment such as this. It also didn’t occur to him how his hands shook as he reached for the lighter and lifted the cigarette to his lips. What did occur to him, however, was the memories of smoking with her. The reminder she would give him, that smoking wasn’t good for either of them, yet that they’d do it anyway. Funny that the cigarettes weren’t the only thing that were bad for him.
Hifumi found himself inhaling deeply as he took the first drag of the cigarette, just trying to get a breath after hyperventilating. A harsh cough racked his body, as did sobs that he didn’t even realize were happening until he processed the tears that were spilling down his cheeks. “Oh God…” He muttered to himself shakily, leaning against the stall door and sinking to the floor, pushing his knees to his chest. Words of the past echoed in his mind, and everything was too much. A burning yet freezing feeling ran through his entire body as he shook, and suddenly his shaking caused him to drop the lit cigarette. He put it out with a slight stomp, as if it kept burning it would just be another problem on his hands at the moment.
He took his jacket off and rolled up his sleeves, desperately attempting to cool off from the disgusting, anxiety induced warmth that was presently causing him to sweat. Pulling his jacket closed to his face, he sobbed, yet was met with the scent of his own cologne, and a certain perfume. That had been it– a woman’s perfume smelled too close to a scent that he knew all too well, one that brought back memories that made him throw his jacket against the wall and yelp. Hifumi fished his phone out of his bag, calling Doppo. Who didn’t pick up. It wasn’t that Doppo was ignoring him, he had just been working overtime and his phone was dead.
“Shit…” Hifumi uttered breathlessly. The next move was to call Jakurai– it would be horrible to bother him, especially after work, but there wasn’t really anyone else to call, and he didn’t feel comfortable enough with any of his coworkers to ask them for help. Jakurai picked up almost immediately.
“Hello, Hifumi-kun, is there something you need?”
Between breathless sobs, Hifumi spoke.
“I’m sorry to bother you sensei, is there any way you could help me? I can’t stop crying and I can barely breathe, I don’t know if I can make it through the night at work.”
“Is there a way that you could leave early? I can come by and pick you up.”
“I guess. Please.” His voice shook as much as he did.
“10 minutes. I’ll be there, get anything you need and tell your boss that you’re leaving early because you feel ill and you’d rather that not affect any of your customers’ experiences. Alright?” Jakurai was already getting the keys to his car and a jacket as he said this, preparing to leave.
“Yeah, t-thanks.”
In that 10 minutes, Hifumi gathered the rest of his things, told his boss he felt unwell, and bolted out of the host club the second that he received a text from Jakurai stating “I’m outside.” And with that, Hifumi found himself in the passenger seat of Jakurai’s car. The older man turned to him, noticing something off about his appearance– well, something off besides smeared makeup, evidence of tears, and disheveled hair.
“You aren’t wearing your jacket, Hifumi.” Jakurai stated with shock, eyes widened.
“I feel too hot and disgusting… and it smells like her, I don’t want it near me. I can’t.”
“Let’s get you home, Hifumi-kun.”
With that, Jakurai began driving to Hifumi and Doppo’s shared apartment. Except once they got there, and the car had parked, there was a moment of silence, before Hifumi told Jakurai that Doppo wasn’t home yet, and Jakurai offered to let him stay in the car for a moment. Words akin to opening a floodgate, Hifumi bursted into violent sobs. It was encouraged for him to let it out, as Jakurai soothed him with a hand rubbing circles into his back.
“It’s alright. You’re going to be alright. You’re safe right now.” Jakurai spoke softly, attempting to soothe the man who was weeping in front of him. Before either of them realized it, Hifumi was leaning his head on Jakurai’s chest, breathing calm and tears dried. He felt exhausted. And he felt like he should apologize, or make it up to him somehow. Hifumi felt as if he had been a burden, and it disgusted him. It was a pattern of thinking he had talked himself out of a long time ago, and yet sometimes it still nagged at him. He always had some way to be useful, whether it be cooking or cleaning– and he did not feel capable of either of those right now.
“I’m sorry for taking up your time, thanks for coming to get me, doc, I should head up n’ home, do you want me to make something for you? Did ya have dinner?” Hifumi asked, trying to bring his energy to his normal level. Except exhaustion seeped out of his dry, aching throat with his words, betraying his attempt at sounding normal and cheery.
“Hifumi-kun, you need to rest. Please allow yourself that.” Jakurai softly insisted.
So, Jakurai took Hifumi into the apartment. Hifumi took a shower, and Jakurai sat outside the bathroom patiently. Truth be told, he didn’t want to leave the blonde alone right now– everything in his gut told him that it was a bad idea. His shower finished, and he decided he’d sleep on the couch– it was clear that Jakurai felt the need to keep an eye on him, so he figured he might as well make it an easier task. Before he went to try to sleep, Jakurai insisted that Hifumi drink a glass of water– the tears that he shed could cause dehydration, and that would just be another issue on their hands, wouldn’t it?
Doppo didn’t come home until a bit later, and Jakurai explained what he knew of that had happened. Hifumi still hadn’t even properly explained the situation, but Jakurai was not going to push him to tell, especially not in the state he was in. Doppo ended up consoling Hifumi– stroking his hair, and using words of comfort that he knew always worked. The blonde had no more tears left in his system, nothing left– no words left either, not to mention that his throat hurt. He looked at Doppo with an expression that was somehow simultaneously blank, yet sincere, before closing his eyes and falling asleep as hands felt their way through his hair.
Everything felt horribly rough right now. But the look that Jakurai had on his face accompanied by Doppo’s comforting words and touches assured Hifumi that it would be alright.