Chapter Text
It was hot.
Like really hot, even with the fan turned on high and the window open.
It was still just hot.
Sweat dripped down his face, glistening and salty. It hurt his eyes and made him stink.
But he had been stinking for a week now, he couldnt even get out of his bed.
Maybe he was being overdramatic? Yeah that was it, he was just being stupid and annoying like always.
Maybe thats why Ranboo rejected him, maybe thats why Ranboo didnt love him. Because he was just a bug, a pest, something you wish to swat away and get rid of.
He let out a choked sob and hid his face in his pillow as his shoulder shook, desperately trying to be quiet and ignore the burning in his throat.
He feels like hes burning. His heart pounding heavily in his chest as he pours out his emotions onto a pillow that has suffered.
The pillow had been with him for awhile now, a comfort of some sort but also something to take his emotions out on.
It was like his shoulder to cry on (considering nobody else bothered. Not even the person he wished would.)
It was sad really, looking to a pillow for comfort instead of real people. But it was hard opening up, it was hard feeling feelings, and it was even harder to get rejected.
Hes so stupid, why would ranboo even like him? Hes gross, hes weird, hes annoying and stupid. He could continue on but hes too tired, he just wants to sleep.
He just wants love. He just wants someone to hold his hand and promise to him that he’ll be okay. He wants someone to kiss him and reassure him when needed.
Most of his friends provide that, but they dont provide the kind of love he wants. He knows its selfish, but he just wants more than what they give.
He ignores the constant chimes of his phone, the constant reminders that he is loved. Just not in a romantic way.
Hes stupid for thinking the flirting and jokes meant something special, something he wanted so badly.
He wants to fall asleep and never wake up. Not in a suicidal type of way, but just like sleeping beauty. Unable to because no one cares enough to help.
But she…she got her happy ending. She got a prince to love her. It wasnt fair, why cant he prick his finger and then magically have a prince?
So he would just sleep forever, laying there unmoving because no one who loves him enough would help him.
He lifts his head and wipes his eyes, but more tears just fall down. He wonders how his eyes arent empty yet, this has been a constant thing.
He hears another chime, probably from wilbur. He cared and was still messaging him, thats nice. But it also makes him feel guilty.
Hes making everyone who loves him unhappy and sad, why is he like this? Why cant he just get over this pain in his chest?
It was rejection. It wasnt a big deal. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a baby, toby never reacted this way when he got rejected. So why is he?
Maybe its because Ranboo wanted to be friends after it, he wanted to shake hands and forget about his terrible confession.
He doesnt think he could be Ranboos friend after this, its not Ranboos fault or anything but he just cant take it. He cant just stand on the sidelines as Ranboo finds someone better and well suited for him.
His heart wouldnt be able to take it, HE wouldnt be able to take it. It would hurt so much to see Ranboo with someone else after rejecting tommy.
He doesnt want to imagine it, the hand holding how lovey dovey they would be. It was too much for him.
But he thinks that he knows who ranboo wants to be with. Hes seen the signs and watches how they treat each other. He watches how they blush awkwardly after holding hands or after falling asleep on each other.
He feels angry, jealous even. It isnt fair. It just- it just isnt! Why? Why does he have to watch that go down while his own heart aches with want for the same exact thing!?
He wants to be awkward and cringy with Ranboo! He wants weird clip channels to take clips out of context and say they love each other! Just- why cant he have that?
He lets out a loud sob, covering his face with his hands as his lips tremble. His throat burns and he feels like he might vomit. His head is throbbing and his fingers are scratching and clawing at his face.
His sobs continue, ignoring the fact his parents are downstairs and probably hear him. He doesnt care, he just wants love. He wants someone to hold him and shush him and cradle him. He wants to fall asleep in someones lap. He wants-
Ranboo. He just wants Ranboo. He wants the boy hes loved and spent time on to love him back. He wants to feel ranboos lips against his own or maybe even down his neck.
He wants Ranboo to cherish him and never let him go. He just wishes he loved him.
He wishes that he never confessed and tried harder. He wishes that ranboo shut him up with a simple kiss against his lips. He wishes ranboo would hold his shaky frame as he tried to get the simple words out.
“Tommy.. I'm sorry.. I dont feel the same way. I have.. My eyes on someone else.. But can we still be friends?”
He remembers his heart shattering and tears coming to his eyes faster than ever before. He remembers Ranboos hands squeezing his own before pulling away.
He was so close but yet so far from what he wanted, he remembers feeling the hardcore rejection burn his inside. He remembers the tears falling and him trying to reassure ranboo that they could and he needed time.
“I'm glad. I don't want to lose you tommy. I hope this wont get in the way of our friendship.”
His heart burned, his eyes watered, and his hands were shaky. Still outstretched as if they were still holding onto something.
But Ranboo just walked away, going back to tubbos house. Tommy felt his brain ache and his mouth drop open.
He wanted to speak but just simply couldnt, a lump was in his throat preventing it.
Tommy wanted his stuff, really he did but he brain was fried and he was tired. So instead of going back to tubbos he just boarded a train to Nottingham, and called it a night.
He ignored the chimes and the vibrations of his phone, he was still trying to process what had just happened.
And when it did hit him it was at his parents doorstep, after they had opened the door only to stare in shock at their son here after only a day at his friends house.