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“Sit down, Troy.”
It was a mundane Wednesday evening and Troy had slipped back into the apartment after one of his dance rehearsals. Annie was seemingly out somewhere and Abed was sitting comfortably in his pajamas.
At least, he looked comfortable to someone from the outside. But not to Troy.
Troy could see the miniscule fidgets and the tense posture Abed was currently occupying. There was most definitely something bothering him.
“Abed? You okay, buddy?”
“Sit down, Troy.”
So he did. Because who was Troy to object to any of Abed’s wishes? He knew that he would follow the young man to the other end of the world if he asked.
Abed had changed the positions of their armchairs. They had been placed so they were facing one another. From their placement alone, Troy could sense that this was a serious matter.
Abed lifted his head to look at Troy with wide eyes. It wasn’t a frequent occurrence that Troy got to meet his eyes.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Abed’s words were blatant, casual. As though he had just told Troy that he wanted a bowl of buttered noodles. Troy found himself shrieking, “You what ?”
“I think I’m in love with you, Troy. All evidence seems to say so.”
Troy could feel his head spinning, “ Evidence? ”
Abed nodded and lifted his index finger to the air, starting to pinpoint each word as he spoke. “Yes, evidence. I have been observing and taking notes for years. For instance, I always get this sensation of wanting to kiss you at the most inconvenient of times. Like when we’ve just finished with an extremely hard test, or when I see you first thing in the morning, or when you’re out of Pop Tarts-”
“I do love Pop Tarts.”
“I know you do. And I want to be beside you at all times, even when you’ve sprayed that atrocious body spray that I can’t stand. And I remember everything about you without having to make detailed charts and diagrams. You’re in my every thought, Troy and at first I just thought it was because we were best friends and spending lots of time together but after watching hours of romance movies I have concluded that this feeling can’t be anything but love.”
Troy was baffled, his heart beating loudly in his chest as his ears seemed to feel rather hot for a December evening.
“And yes, I mean a romantic love. I am not talking of a platonic bond or a familial love. Although, don’t get me wrong I do feel those for you, it is just that it isn’t enough. I love you, Troy.” Abed kept talking and talking and Troy could not comprehend how comfortable he could be talking of these stuff.
“Abed,” Troy took a deep breath, with his eyes trained on the carpet between his feet. “Are you sure about this?” Even as Troy asked the question, he knew how dumb it sounded.
Of course Abed was sure. Abed always knew exactly what he was talking about. And clearly he had been dissecting himself for answers for who knows how long.
“I’m sure, Troy. And I decided that I am okay with you deciding not to speak to me again. At first I thought I would hide it and keep it to myself so I wouldn’t bother you. But it felt like I had a huge bubble in my chest and I couldn’t cope. You know we watched Call Me By Your Name? I’ve been thinking of that line since we watched it. Is it better to speak -”
“ Or die ?” Troy completed his sentence.
Abed was the one who was surprised this time. Troy couldn’t help but smile sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. “I’ve been thinking of it ever since too.”
Silence was shared amongst them, as Abed tried to process the new information. It wasn’t a confession as bold as Abed’s, no, but Troy knew that he was not capable of being so open at that moment.
Abed furrowed his brow, “So you would rather die?”
Troy did not know how to answer. Words had always been hard for him. Especially expressing his feelings with those very words.
Especially his feelings towards Abed. Troy knew he had been smitten with Abed since the day he had met him. But it had been a process to actually accept those feelings to himself, let alone express them.
“I am not as brave as you, Abed.”
Abed nodded and looked to the side, as though he was following a small imaginary deity flying from one side of the room to the other. And Troy considered that maybe Abed was following his thoughts as he knew how fast the other man’s brain worked.
Abed abruptly stood up and sat on the arms rest of the chair Troy was occupying. Troy swallowed deeply. After everything Abed had just said, having him this close was setting all his senses on alarm.
“You can be.” Troy felt Abed’s fingers under his chin as he gently urged him to move his head up.
Their eyes met.
Troy’s throat suddenly felt constricted.
The air had seemed to disappear.
And for a fleeting moment, Troy felt the urge to run.
But then as Abed slightly leaned towards him, he was suddenly filled with the courage that he needed.
“Abed?”
“Troy.”
“May I kiss you?”
It was agony to wait for his answer.
But then he saw Abed nod ever so slowly, in such a minimal movement that Troy could have missed it if he had blinked.
But he didn’t.
So they allowed their lips to meet, tentatively. Compassionately.
And it was everything they could have wished for.
When they parted, they both held their breaths, waiting for one to say something.
Anything.
“I think it is better to speak,” Troy grinned, deciding that he would never let go of Abed as long as he had him.
Abed simply smiled and it was enough.
For they had always been so much more than words.