Work Text:
The only sounds in the room are the sound of my hair being brushed and the humming of the servant girl doing the brushing. There used to be no humming at all, but I hated the silence and told her to sing. I would often hear her singing to herself when she does the washing. She wasn’t confident enough to truly sing yet, hence the humming, and that was fine with me.
The steady tap-tap-tap of my polished and sharpened nails joined the sound as I stared into bored, blood-red eyes. The ornate silver mirror in front of me showed a regal yet tired woman, dressed in fine silks in varying shades of red, black, and gold. The blooming skirt and fabric above the corset were adorned with small heart-shaped patterns, a swirl of gold and silver. I watched as the servant girl set the brush aside and began piling the hair up high, soon lost to the world of twists and bands and curls. Two rounded towers of ruby red sat on either side to make a heart. All I could see was red, hearts, and even more red.
How fitting for the Red Queen of Hearts.
The double doors to my left opened, a servant boy and two maids pushing a cart full of delicious sweets and treats. The servant girl who prepared me stepped to the side. They stopped the cart less than a foot from me, the maids stepping back and bowing their heads. The servant bowed his head as well, keeping his eyes on the floor as he spoke. “Breakfast, Your Majesty.”
I dismissed them with a wave, watching as the three filed out one at a time. My hand hovered over the assortment of goods, plucking a powdered pastry from the top.
“You, girl.” I didn’t turn my head, but I could hear her jump. “Come here.” The girl hastily shuffled in front of me, black hair obscuring her face as she bowed her head low. “Take this.” I pushed the pastry in her direction, gesturing to the cart next. “In fact, you can take this entire thing if you wish. I’m not hungry.”
The girl blinked at me, eyes wide and uncertain. “Your Majesty, are you sure?”
I scoffed, quickly becoming impatient. “Do you want it or not?” The girl nodded frantically, leaping forward to take the pastry out of my hands. “Good, you may go now.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty.” She bowed her head once more, taking the cart and pushing it across the room and through the doors.
I turned back to my reflection one last time. I reeled back my true face, a mask of neutrality taking over. I take in a deep breath, straightening my posture and raising my shoulders. I stand, keeping my regality as I stride to the doors, making my steps as light as air. I pause before I exit, taking a final deep breath.
The double doors spring open from the slightest push from my hands. The second I step out, I am swarmed with servants and advisors alike, their chattering making my head hurt. “One at a time.” I snap without a shout but with enough force to silence them all. An advisor with greying brown hair and a limp in his right leg takes his chance to speak.
“Your Majesty, there is a game to be played today in the Grand Arena. It is recommended that you attend and oversee this game, it will reflect highly on you and greatly please the people.” The advisor fell silent and waited carefully for a response.
I stop walking to think about this, ignoring the fumble from the advisors and servants. He has a point, doing this will make a better image for me than constantly ordering the execution of others. “Alright, I will attend. When does this game start?”
The advisor beams. “Wonderful! The game starts in 15 minutes, Your Majesty.”
“15 minutes?! And you waited this long to tell me this? Gah!” I snarl in irritation, watching the advisor shrink in fear as he babbles his apologies. It would take me ten minutes to get to the Grand Arena alone and nearly five minutes to get to my seat.
“Quickly, now, since you wasted my time.” I set a rapid pace for the Grand Arena, the servants branching off to do their duties and the advisors struggled to keep up with me.
A nagging feeling of absence tugs at my chest. What could I possibly be forgetting? I woke up, prepared myself, breakfast was served (and declined), and now the advisors— “Ah!” Now I remember what is missing. “White Rabbit, where is he? He should have given me news by now.”
There was a great silence behind me, then a nervous voice spoke.
“He’s…not here, Your Majesty.”
I stop, something foreign and horrible twists inside my gut. “Not here? What do you mean he’s not here?” My voice is like an icicle, cold and sharp. The White Rabbit isn’t here. The White Rabbit is…late. That thought sits heavy in my throat and I swallow it down with force. “That doesn’t matter now, I will deal with him later.” I smoothened my features, regaining my willful stride again. Little by little the advisors fell away, their purpose fulfilled for now, guards springing up in their place behind me.
The stairs leading up the royal seating of the arena came into view. A crescendo of cheers echoed and spilled over the rim of the arena. I ascended the spiraling staircase, swift and with purpose. At the top there was a small section in between the top of the stairs and the throned seat of mine. Right here in this spot I am completely invisible, even just for a small moment.
I step out into the sun, moving to my seat. I am met with a sudden hush from the crowd as I sit, thousands of eyes pinned on me.
I try to make my smile seem kind. I don’t think it works. “Citizens of Underland, my loyal subjects, I welcome and thank you dearly for your presence here today.” I project my voice as much as I can while trying to maintain its lightness. “Let us have a joyous time here together. And with that,” my smile grew, “let the games begin!”
Scattered applause and cheers rose again, more uncertain this time. The players readied themselves, preparing their flamingoes and hedgehogs, planting the squared wire hoops firmly into the ground, and practicing their swings. Now, it begins.
Although I’m not exactly the biggest fan of this game, I will admit that it is fun to watch. I get lost into it every time, hours passing without a care. This time is no different. I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but I know that I made the right decision to do this. Yes, I can feel it in my bones, this peace that has settled.
The crowd is cheering at full force, a symphony of excitement and a wild kind of joy I have never known. I let myself relax, my shoulders shifting from their rigid set place, resting my back against the seat, and folding my hands neatly in my lap. A relief I scarcely experience, a single sigh of relief from my body. I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing this moment in for as long as I could.
Startled voices rippled through the cheering crowd, grounding both the crowd and the field into a halt. I frowned and leaned forward to see what caused this reaction.
Down in the middle of the field, two new figures have appeared. I recognized the dark blue coat and jittery movements of the White Rabbit, but I didn’t recognize the other person. A girl, young and golden haired, looking around with wide blue eyes with a soft smile on her face. She wore a bright blue dress with a white apron-like cloth over it that tied in the back, white stockings with clean black shoes. The game has stopped by now, everyone looking at the two of them.
“Excuse me,” my voice echoed in the silence of the arena. “Just what do you think you are doing?” The warmth I had given to the crowd earlier had vanished, replaced with a familiar cold harshness.
The White Rabbit trembled where he stood, long ears drooped in fear. “Your Majesty! My- my deepest apologies for being late- for interrupting this game, I had no intention of-” He tried to stammer out several apologies before the girl cut him off.
“Your Majesty? You’re a queen? Oh, that’s wonderful!” She beamed at me, eyes shining with glee. It irritated me, even though she was praising me. It felt like mocking. The White Rabbit tugged on her dress, trying to get her attention while whispering to her, glancing at me as he did so.
“And who are you, exactly?” I shift my complete focus on the girl, fingers tapping a steady rhythm.
“My name is Alice, Your Majesty." She curtsied clumsily. "I fell down a hole into this place and followed the White Rabbit here.”
I sigh. None of this makes me happy, but I’m not in that terrible of a mood so I’ll be nice. “Guards,” I gesture lazily at the girl—Alice—and the White Rabbit. “Arrest them.” The White Rabbit sighs in relief while Alice looks like I had kicked a puppy in front of her.
“Arrest us? For what?” She cried out in utter disbelief.
"Because I want to." I snapped with something hot and horrible tugging at my chest, begging to be released. "If I want something, I will have it. No matter the cost."
Alice stares at me, a light flickering in her eyes. "You can't do this... You can't do this!" She cried desperately, tears welling up in her eyes.
I scoff at her naivety. “I can do whatever I want. I’m the Red Queen of Hearts, no one tells me what I can and cannot do. Be grateful I didn’t kill you.”
“Kill me? You- you would kill me? Over something as insignificant as this?” Horror dawned on Alice’s face as something clicked inside her tiny pea brain. “You do this often, don’t you?” She muttered softly, her voice carrying over the overbearing silence of the arena.
“Yes, I do. Any more questions?” I was quickly getting bored of our little to and fro.
Alice sputtered uselessly. “But- but why?”
I laughed at her, giggling and snorting with manic glee as I sneer. “Because I can.”
Alice’s pretty face turns red with rage. “How can you? How can you possibly do this, and to your own people?!” She sounded betrayed. I almost laugh again until she continues. “You- you tyrant!” The crowd surrounding her gasps in disbelief, overshadowing my own. “You evil, cruel tyrant! You treat your people like pawns, nothing more than toys to manipulate, is that it? You are pure evil, and someone ought to get rid of you!” Her shouting ignites a fire of murmurs in the crowd, blazing up and down the rows as they start looking at me.
For the first time in a very long time, I begin to panic. I’m losing control, they’re starting to listen to her. This needs to end.
“Enough!” I’m standing now, gripping the railing to lean on. My eyes are fixed on Alice, lips curling in anger. “How dare you speak to me in such a way! I tried to be nice, to let you off easy, but you clearly deserve a true punishment.” The crowd fell into a hush, knowing what was coming next.
I pointed at Alice, white-hot rage coursing through me. “Off with her head!” I roared, the entire arena now buzzing with motion.
The guards streamed out to capture Alice, shouting and protesting erupted from the crowd, some people panicked and ran away. There was a clash on the field where Alice stood, a clamber of people caught between each other. When everything settled, the guards stood alone. Neither the White Rabbit nor Alice in sight.
I wanted to scream, but I composed myself as much as I could, aware of the crowd now looking at me.
“Let it be known that what that girl said was unacceptable. If any of you share her views, speak now.” When no one spoke up, I turned sharply and descended the stairs of the royal seating.
I was alone, all the guards still in the field. Thank the heavens for that. I need the alone time. I reached the doors to my bedroom and rush in, slamming it behind me. I lean against the doors, breathless and shaking.
I spring forward to pace back and forth, blood boiling and mind whirling. I can’t stop thinking about Alice. How dare she? How dare she? Who does she think she is, talking to me like that?! That brat! I scream in frustration, swinging my arm out and sending several objects flying in my rage.
I catch my reflection in the mirror, beet red face and a wild, crazed look in my eyes. I take a shaking breath, straightening my posture and combing my fingers through the locks of hair that escaped from their place.
I am a Queen, elegant and perfect. It’s a mantra I’ve learned to repeat whenever I forget my place, keeping myself contained. I can’t let some foolish girl ruin me.
I sit in the chair in front of the mirror. I look tired and distant now, but I can still feel the embers of my rage burning softly in my chest. I close my eyes, resting my head against the top of the chair. I let my body go limp, a numbing buzz sent through my entire body. I want to lay here forever, dissolving into nothingness with no one to witness it.
A knock at the door. “Your Majesty, dinner is ready.”
I groan, a migraine already forming. I didn’t want to go out yet. I get up anyways, smoothening the creases in my dress and tucking a couple more strands of rebellious hair behind my ear.
It doesn’t matter if I didn’t want to, I have to. Appearances must be kept up.
I exit the room, brushing past a couple servants waiting in the hallway. The walk to the dining room is short and quiet. I think if it was anything other than that I would have burst.
The semi-dimly lit hallway gives way into the bright dining room, intricate silver and gold adorning every surface with several chandeliers over the table. The table itself, a smooth mahogany, is covered in a large variety of foods, ranging from seasoned meats to sweet cakes. I take my seat at the end of the table, watching as servants rush to place certain trays in front of me.
I drag my eyes over the massive display of food, feeling nauseas. Eating was the last thing I wanted to do after today’s disaster. I just wanted to go to sleep.
Instead, I load a portion of mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, and roasted dark meat onto my plate. I grab one of the bottles of red wine and pour it into my glass, its dark red blood color shining through the clear crystal. I lift the glass to my lips, tasting the sweet bitterness of the wine, it refreshes and drains me all at once. I lift a forkful of steamed vegetables into my mouth, chewing the juicy greens.
Everything is the same as it was before, except it’s not. Everything looks the same, everything smells the same, everything tastes the same, but it’s different.
Something is missing again.
I set my glass down, letting my fork clatter onto the plate as I sit back against the chair and hiss softly.
Sensing my disapproval, the servants slink forward to collect the food. A servant girl reaches for my plate, and I freeze. She’s small, blue-eyed and blonde. Alice.
Something inside me snaps. I lunge forward, grabbing the girl by the neck and slamming her against the table.
“How dare you?” I scream, the girl thrashes underneath me with wide eyes. I hate those eyes. “I’ll have you killed! You stupid, stupid girl! I’ll have them cut out your tongue before I have them take your head!” The girl claws at my arms, tears streaming down her face as she mouths apologies. It’s only then I noticed how hard I’m gripping her neck, her skin turning purple-red, and how this girl is not Alice.
I let go, staggering backwards. The girl falls to the ground, coughing and sobbing.
I feel sick. The other servants in the room are frozen, staring at me. The girl is still sobbing, forcing out apologies in between breaths.
I barely manage to swallow down bile before speaking. “Get out.” It was quiet, barely a whisper. “Get out,” I said with more force this time. “Get out! I said get out!” My voice had risen to a shrill screech, rising in volume with every word. The servants stream out the door like the room is burning, leaving me alone.
I fall back into my chair, shaking and breathless. I’ve done it again, I lost control. The one thing I promised myself would never happen again. Not after…the incident.
It hits me, for the second time today, what is missing. Tarrant Hightop, the Mad Hatter as he was known, was supposed to arrive to present the hats that he makes for me. He’s not here. He’s late.
A mad giggle left my lips, crescendoing into a howling cackle. It wasn’t funny, none of it was, but I just had to laugh at the absurdity of it all. First the White Rabbit, now the Mad Hatter. They’re gone. Taken, by Alice.
I pulled myself to my feet, shuffling my feet slowly to the doors and out into the hallway. I shambled through the empty hallway back to my room, shouldering the door closed when I arrived. I sink down onto my bed, staring at the wall ahead of me. I feel completely numb. I feel everything all at once. Everything and nothing at the same time.
I think about Alice and just how much she’s affected me in the short span of time I’ve even met her. She’s undone me like threads of twine.
It’s because she’s right about you.
I don’t know where the small voice from my head comes from, but it makes me shiver. Was it right? Was Alice right?
Another knock at the door snaps me out of my trance, then it peeks open. “Your Majesty?” A familiar and nervous voice quietly spoke. “It is time to get you ready for the evening. May I enter?” I sigh, a great tiredness seeping into my bones.
“Yes, enter.”
The door opens fully, a servant girl stepping in and closing it behind her. I stand but don’t move from the spot next to the bed.
I hear the girl opening and closing drawer as she gathers my nightclothes, seeing her drop them on the bed out of the corner of my eye. I feel the heavy, fancy fabrics covering me peel away, clothes me folded and set to the side for washing. The corset around my middle looseness its vice grip as it is undone. I already feel leagues lighter, a weight lifted off of me and my soul wiped clean. A soft, pale crimson nightgown is slipped over me, the satin feeling light on my skin.
The servant girl steps back, smiling wearily at me. It’s the same girl who readied me this morning. The same girl who readies me every morning, I realize, and every evening as well. For years, this girl has interacted with me every morning and every night. She has experienced my outbursts and dismissals, my loudest rage and quietest sorrow.
I don’t even know her name.
That thought alone makes me burst into tears, knees buckling and falling to the floor. The girl looks panicked, unsure what to do. I expect her to turn and leave to find someone else to deal with me.
Instead, she falls to her knees besides me. “You Majesty, what’s wrong?” My heart breaks at her words.
“Your- your name,” I gasp in between sobs. “I don’t even know your name.” I feel like a fool, blubbering on the floor all because I don’t know a servant girl’s name.
The girl frowns, eyebrows knit in confusion. “Your Majesty, it’s all right if you don't know my name. I'm only your servant, after all."
Her words spur me into a sudden panic. “What? No! How can you say such a thing?!” The girl flinches and I soften my voice. “You aren’t supposed to say such belittling things about yourself. You may be a servant, but you deserve the respect of being addressed by your name at the very least. So,” I reach forward and clutch her hands in mine. “Tell me your name. Please, I must know your name.” It wasn’t an order of any sort. It was a desperate plea made by a fragile woman. The way the girl’s face softened, she understood that.
“Amora. My name is Amora.”
I sigh in relief, an invisible weight lifted off my shoulders. Hearing her name brings me a sense of comfort in a way I can’t explain. “Amora.” I whisper gently, promising myself to burn that name into my memory.
“What is your name, Your Majesty?” The girl— Amora — asks curiously, still slightly cautious about this whole event.
Her question makes me freeze. “Excuse me?” My voice is still soft, more scared than angry.
“Your name, Your Majesty. The people of Underland only know you as the Red Queen of Hearts, but that is only your title. No one knows your name. I just…wanted to know your name since you know mine now.” Amora spoke carefully, verbally walking on eggshells. She sounded almost embarrassed by her request.
A sickening realization began to materialize, making me tremble even more.
“I…I don’t know.” I finally confessed, hot tears spilling out. “I- I don’t even know my own name.” I barely choked out the words, sobs building back up again.
It was true. It’s been so long since anyone had ever addressed me by anything other than my title, I had…forgotten my own name.
My eyes go wide. A wild, dangerous idea forms. One that could ruin me if it goes wrong.
I push Amora away as gently as I can, crawling on my knees to the side of my bed. I reach underneath, hands searching blindly for what I need.
My fingertips graze it and I let out a triumphant gasp, grabbing it fully and pulling it out. I held the black wooden box in my lap, arms wrapped around it protectively. I beckon Amora over with a small wave. I have to give her this box. She has to know. She has to know everything.
“Amora,” I began shakily, “this is my most precious item, my deepest and darkest of secrets. This box holds the secrets to my life before I was ever queen. I…” I swallowed thickly, lowering my head in shame. “I wasn’t always like this. I was different, before. I was a kinder person. I was…a much better person than I am now.”
Amora’s eyes reflected a sympathy that I wanted to hate, but I couldn’t. “Why are you telling me this?” She was quiet and serious.
“You remind me of myself, back when I was truly me.” I didn’t want to face it before, I buried it down and pretended to not notice it. It was her singing that first made me realize. It reminded me of when I would sing with my mother. I haven’t sung in a long time. I took a deep breathe before continuing.
“In this box, there are several items. Most are trinkets, mementos from my past. I don’t care what you do with those. But there is a book, a journal, in this box. It contains the contents of my life, of my side of the story. Please, Amora,” I grip her hand in mine, tears causing her face to blur. “You have to read it. You must read it in its entirety. You can do whatever you want with it after that. You can throw it away, share it, burn it, keep it, whatever you want. But only after you read everything written in it. Please, can you promise me you’ll do this for me? Someone has to know. Someone has to hear my side of the story. I know you may not trust me, and I don’t blame you, but can I ask this of you? I ask this not as your queen, not as your superior, but as someone who was never good enough for others. Please.” My voice cracks and wavers as I gently push the box into Amora’s hands, urging her to take it from me.
Amora takes the box from me, clutching it to her chest. “I promise.” Her eyes flamed with a fire I wished I could possess again.
I nod. “Thank you. Now you must leave.” I interrupt Amora as she tries to protest, “I don’t just mean leave the room. Leave this kingdom, go as far from here as you can. Leave this place and never return. Can you promise me this as well?”
She hesitates, but nods. “Yes. I promise. May I ask why I must leave?”
“That journal is too dangerous in the wrong hands, and I believe those hands are reaching closer with every moment that passes. Something terrible is going to happen soon and I don’t want you here when it happens.” I’ve felt this for a while now. Since I noticed the White Rabbit was late, or even earlier than that.
I sniffed, wiping at the semi-dried tears on my face, “I thank you dearly, Amora. This means more to me than I can ever say.”
I stood, offering my hand to Amora and lifting her up. I’m taken swiftly off guard when she wraps me in a tight embrace. “I won’t forget you. I swear it.” Just as soon as it happened, she released me and dashed out the door, pausing once to offer me a soft smile on her way out.
I lay down in my bed, dimming the lights to my room and closing my eyes. I pray that my sleep is pleasant, knowing this may very well be my last night.
In my dream, I’m with my mother. It was always just the two of us in our little cottage just outside the kingdom. We’re picking wildflowers from the field next to our house, my mother laughing as I playfully fling daisies at her. “Careful now, ██████. If you keep flinging those flowers around, you won’t have any good ones left.” We laughed together, talking and giggling to ourselves for hours after that.
My eyes peeled open, squinting as the sun hit them. My dream was of a happier time, yet it made me sad to think about. It was like observing a stranger’s life. It wasn’t my life, not anymore.
The doors swung open, startling me. Amora usually knocked before—
Oh. Amora was not the servant girl who entered. This one was older and a redhead. She smiled tersely at me. “Good morning, Your Majesty! It is time to get ready.”
Dread filled my entire body when thinking about getting up. I got up regardless, letting my listless body be dressed by the servant girl.
Part of me rejoiced, knowing that Amora was likely far gone by now. Another part of me missed her achingly.
“Your Majesty,” the redhead spoke up. “You have guests waiting for you.”
I frowned. “Guests? This early?” That horrible feeling twists inside me again.
“Yes, Your Majesty. They are waiting in your throne room.”
“Hm. Alright. You are dismissed.”
The servant leaves quickly, almost eagerly. I gather myself quickly, checking my face and posture before leaving.
The hallway is eerily quiet. It made me nervous. If there were guests, servants usually rushed around to make things look nice and well-kept. No one else was in the hallway except me, shoes clicking obnoxiously loud in the silence.
I push open the doors to the throne room, noting how empty it was. Were there no guests here? Had they left because of how early it was?
My Executioner stood dutifully next to my throne as I walked up, peering at me from his place.
“Hello, Your Majesty.” A voice behind me perked up, freezing me instantly. That voice…it can’t be…
I whirled around, seeing Alice standing at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the throne. She smiled smugly at me with her hands clasped behind her back.
“You,” I snarled, fury burning a hole in my heart. “You wretched little girl. Did you honestly think you could show up here and not face punishment? Guards!” I called loudly, waiting for them to come in and take her.
Nothing happened. No one entered.
Alice laughed. “Did you think I would come here if I wasn’t certain I would remain unharmed? Perhaps ruling has made you senile.” She snickered to herself.
This wasn’t the same Alice from the arena. She had changed. Her curious blue eyes had hardened to icy steel, her voice now demanding and bordering on outright malicious. I’ve seen this change before, just not on anyone else.
I laughed bitterly. “Oh, I see. You like to believe you’re in the right, don’t you? That you’re the grand hero in this story. You’re not. You’re just a girl doing something that you’re going to regret someday.”
Alice scoffed. “Oh yes, I’m going to regret getting rid of a murderous tyrant.” She drawled sarcastically. “No one wants you here, why do you think they’re all on my side?” I grimace at her words, remembering the White Rabbit, Tarrant Hightop, and the overly enthusiastic servant from before. “You’re going to die here tonight. That’s final. Executioner.”
With one word from her, the Executioner stepped forward. I shook where I stood, rage and fear swirling inside me.
“You- you can’t!” I sputtered in desperation. “If you do this, you’re no better than me!”
Alice rolled her eyes. “Stop the theatrics, you’re embarrassing yourself.”
The Executioner advanced further, each looming step closer to my death.
Hysterical sobs had already started their way out of me as I screamed. “Stop it! You can’t do this! Damn you!” I staggered back, yelling at the top of my lungs as tears burn in my eyes. “You can’t do this do me, I- I-” I already knew today might be my last day, so why am I so upset?
“Please!” I cried one last time. “I’ll do anything!”
That made Alice smile. It chilled me to my core.
“Anything?” She asked with cold, glittering eyes.
I grit my teeth and swallow my pride. “Yes.”
Alice smiled in a mockery of innocence. “I want you to serve under me. Answer my every beck and call, do anything I ask of you.”
I stopped, breathing hard and ragged. My fists curled into my palms tightly, crescents blooming on my flesh. I raised my head in defiance, anger burning slowly through my fear. “I’d rather die.”
Alice shrugged. “Okay then.” She motioned at the Executioner to take his position behind me. I lowered to the ground on my knees, head bowed. “Any last words?”
I squeezed my eyes closed. If I was going to die, I only needed one question answered.
“What is your name?”
What is my name?
Please, let me remember.
Faintly, I could hear Alice barking orders, most undiscernible, all except:
“Off with her head!”
I started to panic. I needed to remember before it was too late.
What is my name?
The Executioner planted his feet, gripping his axe in both hands.
What is my name?
He raised his axe, pausing for several seconds.
What is my—
I smile. I finally remember.
The Executioner swings down.
My name is—
“Valentine.” I whisper as cold steel kisses my neck.