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Hermione gripped the edge of her bed with all her might. Her heart was beating. She felt short of breath. She felt the feeling of her stomach doing flip flops. She looked down at her lap.
Breathe, she told herself.
She took a shaky breath in and out.
“Love, are you okay?” Asked a familiar voice.
Hermione felt a cold hand on hers. It pried each finger off her bed and held it.
She took another breath.
“I’m- I’m not doing so great right now. I’m worried. She didn’t take too well to our friendship . How will she react to us dating? Molly’s like a second mother to me. My witch mum. This year has already been so hard. I don’t know how I’ll be able to deal with Molly not accepting this.”
“Listen, if- if we need to break up that’s okay. If Mrs. Weasley can’t accept us together then we don’t have to be together. I know how much she means to you, and family is everything to you. I’ll be honest, I don’t understand it but all I want is for you to be happy.”
No!
“I love you, Pansy, and if she can’t accept that, then I guess she won’t be able to be in my life. If she can’t see that you make me happy then, well, I guess I’ll know who I really want in my life. You.”
Now she looked up into Pansy’s eyes. She was shocked to see tears forming in her girlfriend’s eyes. When Pansy realized she’d noticed she quickly wiped them away.
“Sorry for tearing up I guess- I don’t know. I just want this to go well for you. The Weasleys mean so much to you and I’m sorry I’ve come between you and them. I feel like I’ve caused a riff between you and your family, and I’m deeply sorry about that.”
“Hey! It is not your fault that things have been uneasy between me and the Weasleys. Ron couldn’t handle not dating me and that would’ve come to light with or without you. Molly’s mad at me for dumping her son and I would’ve dumped him either way. Repeat after me: It’s.”
“It’s.”
“Not.”
“Not.”
“My.”
“My.”
“Fault”
“Fault.”
“It’s not my fault.”
Pansy sighed and rolled her eyes.
“It’s not my fault.”
Hermione grabbed Pansy’s other hand.
“Thank you, love. Now let’s do this.”
— — — — — — — —
“Hermione, Dear! Come sit down,” Molly nodded towards Pansy. “Sit next to her.”
“Hello, Molly. When are the rest coming?”
“I’ll go get Fred and George in a minute. Ginny and Luna are already at the table. Bill should be here soon.”
“Luna’s here?”
“Yes. Ginny asked to bring her.”
“And is Fleur coming?”
Molly pursed her lips. “She should be here as well.”
Hermione raised her eyebrows. Molly seemed almost mad that Fleur would be joining them. According to Harry, according to Ron, Bill and Fleur were getting pretty serious in their relationship. Everyone expected they’d be engaged soon enough and she was sure Molly’d heard the rumors. Then again, Molly had always been a bit cold towards Fleur.
Once everyone settled down, Ginny and the twins began bombarding her and Pansy with questions.
“Pansy! Good to see you! Are you as gullible as last time we saw you? It’ll be nice to have a free test subject,” the twins both said.
“Ha ha very funny,” Pansy said dryly as she rolled her eyes. The last time they’d come, during the summer holidays, the Weasley twins had given Pansy some of their joke candy and she’d eaten it, not realizing you should never accept a gift from the twins.
“Jokes aside, I am happy you came. I didn’t want to give you your gift at school, it'll be nice to give it to you on actual Christmas tomorrow night,” Ginny said.
“Really? You didn’t have to get me a present, Gin.”
“You know Pansy, it will be nice to have another girl in ze house. The burrow is house to just so many boys,” Fleur said, giving them a kind look.
“Thank you Fleur,” Pansy replied.
Hermione decided to take them being on the topic of Pansy as an opportunity to announce their relationship. Better sooner than later, right?
She opened her mouth to speak but found no words could come out. She felt her heart beating in her chest again, so hard she couldn’t breathe. All of her breath seemed to vanish and she felt like she was gasping for air. She felt waves of heat roll and down her back and her legs felt wobbly. Her teeth were chattering and her mind was racing.
What if she doesn’t accept me? What if I get thrown out? What if the twins don’t accept it? What if none of the Weasleys accept me? Merlin I didn’t think this through, I didn’t think this through, I didn’t think this through, I didn’t-
Pansy’s thoughts were interrupted by Pansy squeezing her hand.
“You doing okay?” Pansy asked under her breath. “Remember to breathe. It’s okay, you’re safe.”
Hermione gave a weak nod.
Breathe in, breathe out.
She took a deep breath and said, “Speaking of Pansy, there’s something I wanted to talk to you all about.”
“Hm, dear? Oh Ginny, could you pass the salt?”
Hermione signed in annoyance. Molly didn’t seem to have picked up on how important this announcement was to her.
“Course, Mum, by the way I needed to talk to you about something.”
“Really? Well Hermione wanted to talk first so–”
What Hermione wanted to say was, “Thank you Ginny for letting me talk, by the way Molly, Pansy is my girlfriend,” but what she really said was, “No, it’s okay. It’s not that important really, Ginny can talk.”
“Thank you, Hermione. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you is,” she said, looking towards Luna. “We’re a couple.”
Woah.
Molly let out a laugh.
“Uh huh. Sure. And Merlin is at our front doorstep.”
Hermione felt her face go red the way it always went red when she overheard people talking about ‘mudbloods’.
“No, mum, I’m not joking. Luna and I are together now. Luna asked me out about a month ago, I’ve just been waiting for the right time to tell you. I figured it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. You already know I’m gay, and I’ve had boyfriends in the past. What’s different about this?”
“It’s just different, sweetie. You came out to me and of course you know I’ll always love you but then you started dating boys and…”
“And what?”
“Well, I sort of figured the whole g- the whole thing, was just a phase. That you were embarrassed to tell me you were wrong so I decided not to bring it up again.”
Hermione felt her face go red hot again, but this time it wasn’t out of discomfort, it was out of anger. She felt Pansy grip her hand a little tighter, and saw the other girl's teeth were clenched and it looked like she was refraining herself from saying a few certain things.
“Mum! I told you I was bi! Bi, as in two, as in I like multiple genders, as in I’ll date both genders! What about that is hard to understand?”
“Nothing! I just assumed the girl thing was over.”
Girl thing? What the heck does that mean?
“Wow. Wow! Well, for the record, it isn’t. Luna and I are together and we will be together until further notice.”
With that Ginny stormed out of the room with Luna behind her.
“Hm.” Molly turned to Hermione. “Now what was it you wanted to tell me?”
She wanted to tell the truth, she wanted to come clean, she knew that it was for the better and she knew that if Molly couldn’t accept her for who she was then Molly didn’t deserve to be in her life somehow she just couldn’t.
“Oh, um, it- it was nothing.”
“Okay then. Well, let’s all forget that nasty outburst and go back to the meal. I’m sure Ginny’s just tired. She’ll come to her senses in the morning.”
Molly purses her lips in a tight smile.
“Now Bill, won’t you please pass the pepper?”
That one simple question seemed to set off a bomb in Hermione. Suddenly her body was fueled with anger and the nerves she felt disappeared. She stood up abruptly.
“Wait. No! It’s not nothing. I’m with Pansy, and if you can’t deal with it, that’s on you. Ginny is your daughter, and she’s with a girl who she loves dearly who makes her happy and you can’t be happy for her? How is that you doing your job as a mother? I love you Molly, I do, but you need to figure out how to deal with this, as you call it, ‘girl thing’, because it’s going to be a thing for a long time.”
Molly stared at her, shocked.
“Are you in on this? Did you turn her into this- this thing that disrespects me and challenges my decisions as a mother?” Molly pointed an accusing finger at Pansy.
“What? N- no. I never tried to turn her into anything or take her away from you. I swear.”
Hermione glared daggers at Molly.
“Don’t you ever try to insinuate she forced me to be this way. If you can’t accept that this is who I am, that’s in you. Let’s go Pansy.”
As they walked out they could hear Fleur yelling at Molly in the distance.
“Who do you think you are? She iz your daughter and Hermione might as well be! They are a part of your family, and so am I!”
— — — — — — — — — —
“‘Mione, are you okay?”
Hermione tried to answer with a, “yeah, I’m fine,” but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, she answered Pansy with a loud sob. She wasn’t expecting it, and neither was Pansy.
“Hey, hey, hey it’s okay, it’s okay.”
Hermione nodded but she continued to cry. She didn’t want to cry, she didn’t expect herself to cry, it just was all hitting her. Molly didn’t accept her. Molly didn’t accept her. It was sadness, and loss, and pain, and confusion.
How could Molly do this to her? How could Molly do this to her own child? How could a mother be okay with causing her child that much pain?
It was everything Hermione was afraid of feeling, but there was another emotion too- guilt. She was guilty for being the way she was. She was guilty about dating Pansy and not being the girl Molly thought she was.
And the guilt filled her with anger.
How dare she make me feel this way? It isn’t my fault. I can’t control how she thinks of me, but she can. How can she be okay with this?
And with the guilt there was acceptance. Because it was done. No more worrying about it. No more nightmares where it went wrong. No more sickening anxiety every time she and Molly were in the same room. Hermione didn’t know which hurt more- what she was feeling now, or the anxiety of waiting for it to happen.
She laid her head on Pansy chest and grabbed her hands. They sat there, just breathing, as Hermione tried to control her cries.
“I’m sorry. I just- Molly was my witch mom, yknow? I loved her. She was the one who was supposed to understand what I was king through when my parents couldn’t and now she just doesn’t. If she can’t accept her own flesh and blood daughter dating girls, how can she accept me? It feels like a part of my life has just been ripped out. Like a key part of my past has been a huge lie. I’m never going to get that back. Even if I reconcile with Molly, it’ll never be the same. It just hurts. It just hurts.”
“Listen. Listen. I know that this will be hard for you. And I get it, trust me, I get it. When I realized how wrong my parents were it tore a chunk out of me, because they’re my parents. I’m supposed to at least love them. So realizing how wrong they were hurt. But I promise you it gets better. I promise you it will be okay. And I promise you that every single step of the way I will be there.” She paused to place a kiss on Hermione’s head. “And I promise that we will get through this together”
Hermione kissed Pansy’s cheek and buried her head into the crook of the other girl's neck. She knew it would be hard, she knew it would be painful, but she also knew she had Pansy, and she was going to be okay.