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Rei couldn’t help but laugh looking back at his past self. He had been so stupid. It wasn’t like it was his fault, though. There was only so much he could’ve done in his position. After all, the path to freedom had never been spoken of as an easy one, and Kaoru had always been a stubborn person. He may not have cared about Rei, but he was smart enough to know how to make him stay. He knew just what to do to make sure Rei was solely reliant on him. It had worked, and he hated himself for it, but he was finally away from him. He had finally reclaimed his sense of worth and his identity from the one person he had trusted with it more than anything, the same person who had then ripped them both to shreds right before his eyes.
There’s only so much one can do when the entirety of their self-worth is reliant on a singular person. There’s even less when that person doesn’t care.
It’s a bit like being a marionette controlled by her strings, he thought. Seen as small and useless, without a mind of your own. You can only follow those decisions made by the one who manipulates your every action.
And he in turn had been manipulated into staying. Into thinking he was happy. Into loving him. Into saying that he’d stay by Kaoru’s side forever. The desperation that had been planted in him wasn’t something that Rei could so easily rip out. It had grown roots in his heart, and any wrong move would make it bleed non stop. Even weeds were more easily removed than what had grown in Rei, and it had taken him months to dislodge it. Slowly but sure, he had begun to pick back up the pieces of himself that he had lost in his life with his ex-boyfriend. The more difficult part was putting them back together after having been apart for so long. It was even harder to stay away from Kaoru without trying to come back after so many months of coming back to what only ended up hurting him more.
Rei looked outside the window. He could almost see Kaoru out there, waiting for him. As much as the past him wanted so desperately to run into his arms, he wouldn’t. Instead he opened the door and peeked out into the sunlight, breathing in the rain-coated air that comes with spring. Had the sun always been that warm? Despite being horrible with the heat, Rei felt at home for once in the warmth and light of the sun. Life had taken on a multitude of new colors after he had gone. He hadn’t realized how much he had lost with Kaoru.
And his family... Ritsu and Undead had gotten distant from him, he realized. Oftentimes the guilt would hit him like a truck, that he let Kaoru get in the way of him remaining bonded to those he loved, but they had never said anything to hurt him or imply that he was at fault for his ex’s actions. It had definitely still stung, he was sure, having had to watch Rei from afar and knowing that every day distanced him even further away from them; they had all still chosen to support him in the ways they could though, and he loved them for that. They had certainly made it far easier to begin to heal, and Rei would never be able to repay them for that.
Every single day had been a struggle, but he knew that that wasn’t everything that was waiting for him. At some point, he would wake up feeling like himself once more. He would finally be able to get his life back, and he’d be able to call himself Rei Sakuma once again. Every day was a single stitch, and every stitch was one more step closer to becoming a person. Rei could no longer recall the person that he used to be, but he was determined to become something from what he had left. Kaoru may have broken him, but he wasn’t irreparable. He’d stand taller and stronger than he was before, even if his past self couldn’t believe it. If only he could show that younger Rei the life he had in front of him, ready to be lived. Neither of them had ever believed that they had fully deserved it, but he knew now that the life that they had so desperately wanted as a child would be theirs. No matter what Kaoru had done to him, he would go on living in the way that only he could. He refused to let him (or anyone else) have that amount of control over his life again. Rei truly was doing better without him, better than he had ever been before. He could finally be at peace.