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It wasn't for me.
Watch him talk, smile, tell jokes and make everyone in the classroom laugh with him... that's all I could do.
Yep. That's xyx to you.
Weird name, huh? They started to call each other by nicknames since the Final Fantasy incident. And it just stickied, so now everyone call him by that. Him and his best friend, the "NakedToaster". (I still can't swallow their name, though).
All my breaks are for lunch and to watch people gather around xyx and laugh with him. I laugh too. Silently, from afar. I could never get too close. There are just so many people. He wouldn't notice me either way. And that's fine. I'm kinda used to this thought. Shit, that's so cliché. "Popular boy and shy girl". Makes me feel like I have a chance. Even a small one. But I don't. I know that.
I'm not even in his classroom to begin with.
So, when the bell rings, I'm back to class. And then lecture, lecture, lecture. My eyes filled with numbers and thoughts. I wish I could get closer to him. I wish I could at least talk to him. I wish I was special. I wish... I have so many wishes, but that's the only thing I can do.
The bell rings again. I gather my things as usual. I leave the class as I do every single day.
At the exit, he's there. Surrounded by laughing students, as always. He is telling jokes again. He hipnotizes everyone with his words. Sometimes I feel he could make a good lawyer, because of his argumentative skills. I heard the teachers can't get him to detention because he always convince them the opposite. He's amazing. The best friend anyone could ever want. Toaster is so lucky.
As everyone leaves, I watch them talk for a bit probably about final fantasy. I watch, sitting on a lonely bench. They laugh, and for a second, xyx looks at me. It's for such a brief moment, but all things inside me turn into a mess of butterflies, nervousness, sadness, love.
"Aren't you going to leave?" he asks.
"I-I'm waiting for my parents." I reply.
"Ah, ok. Let's go, Toaster."
And then they leave. And I know that probably that will be the only time I would ever talk to him. I know. But my heart bounces with joy, my hands sweat remembering it, my face is all red. That's the first time he ever talked to me. All my hopes get up, all I can think about is "what about a next time?", "what could I have said to make him interested in me?", "does he like me?".
It's stupid, it's all stupid, I know. And as the days go by, I'm more and more certain that it's stupid. All these hopes, all this thinking. It's useless. It's hopeless. It's fucking stupid.
Then, everytime I see him again, I feel stupid. My heart cracks, my love hurts. It's so fucking out of reach, why do I even think about it? It's just his fucking spell, every girl he meets must feel the same way. I'm not special at all. I'm just another one. Another one, another one, another one. He wouldn't open up to me. I'm not his special one. God, I can't even talk to him properly.
And the year passed by as quickly as it came. I spent so much time thinking I didn't even realized it was the last day of school. And it happened just as before - xyx surrounded by joy, laugh, Toaster by his side, filled with happiness. And me sitting on a bench. Far away. They didn't even realized I was there - they were so immersed in their own conversation.
There wasn't no pauses. No smiles. Everyone left, going their own ways. And they just turned and left too. Why would they wait? Who would they wait for?
And that was the last I saw of him.