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It was a stormy late afternoon in the northern coast of Fjerda, the waves crashing violently against the rocks almost as if angry at something. Perhaps they were. Aleksander was sitting in his small living room, his legs were restless as the sea outside and he chewed the inside of his lower lip. From the bedroom, he could hear the wellmother and the healer speak words of encouragement as his mother gave one final shout. He waited a few moments until he heard the first cry of the newborn. It was over, finally.
He did his best to resist the urge to run and barge into the room to take a look at the infant that could become his sibling. So he continued in the living room waiting for the Healer or the midwife herself to come out and give him clear entrance into the room. His mother had ordered him to stay outside until everything was done, so he dared not disobey her and risk provoking her wrath.
Hope was a dangerous thing, especially for people like him, but still, he could not help himself. He longed for kinship. For a life where he and his mother would no longer be the only ones of a kind.
It was already night time when he finally heard steps coming towards the living room to call him in. As the Healer guided him into the bedroom, he silently prayed to the Saints that everything went well this time. That he would finally have a shadow summoner sibling. As he pushed the wooden door open he wrinkled his nose, the healer and the midwife had done their best to clean everything but there was still a lingering rusty scent of blood and other bodily fluids in the room. His eyes searched his mother’s face and his heart dropped. All hope crushed in an instant. He did not ask anything. The disappointed look in her tired face was answer enough. She had failed in her endeavor to produce another shadow summoner once again.
Aleksander swallowed dry. He knew his mother would reject any of his attempts to comfort her so he did not go to her. Instead, he turned his attention to the midwife with the babe already wrapped up in a blanket, placing the infant on the improvised crib Aleksander himself had built a few weeks prior. Slowly, he walked towards the crib, slightly afraid of what he might find. The infant’s father was different from all of his mother’s previous lovers. Not a grisha nor an otkazat’sya, he was out of this world, from beneath the sea. What kind of being would one of the most powerful grisha and a sea creature sire?
He soon found out as he peered down on the crib and saw the infant already sleeping peacefully, all wrapped up in a wool blanket, only the head exposed. The skin was gray-tinged and the few hairs on the head were dark like his own. Careful to not stir the baby awake, he slowly removed the blanket to see the rest. The sight was unlike anything he’d ever seen.
The infant was gray-tinged all around, and instead of a pair of legs, there was a silver tail like that of a fish. He noticed the ends of the tail twitching slightly, similar to how human fingers sometimes twitch when they are in deep slumber, when their minds are completely lost in a dream. It was an unforgettable sight, beautiful even, in an unusual way. She lacked any of the colors that usually denoted vivacity on living beings of his world but she was vigorously alive. Although he was young, Aleksander was not the type to be impressed easily, but he could not help being in awe at the sight of this little creature.
But he was still confused about something. “Is it a he or a she?” he asked his mother as her eyes remained static on the ceiling above.
“She.”
Aleksander didn’t understand sildroher biology. He couldn’t find any sign of genitals that could indicate the small creature was female.
“How do you know it’s a girl?” he asked, still bemused.
His mother heaved an annoyed sigh. “Son, I’m tired.” She turned to lay on her side “Don’t bother me with questions. And don’t you dare wake her up.”
Aleksander acquiesced. If mother said it was a girl he had to believe her, she knew more about the sea folk anyway. So, a baby sister then.
He knew he shouldn’t allow himself to think of her as family. She hadn’t met mother’s expectations so she would be given away to the father soon. Because of that, Aleksander felt the need to linger by her side a little longer, to marvel at the sight of her figure and enjoy her presence while it lasted. Slowly, he nudged a finger into her fisted little hand, the skin was colder than that of living human’s but still as soft as any other baby skin. Her tiny hand grasped his finger and he instantly felt his heart tingle with something akin to affection. In this moment he realized that he wanted her to stay even if she was not like him, and that their eventual separation would tear him apart.
***
Three weeks had passed. His baby sister was wailing from her crib while his mother pinched the bridge of her nose, growing more and more impatient.
“I already fed her and made her burp. I don’t know what else she wants from me.”
Maybe some motherly affection . He bit back. But something had to be done. They couldn’t spend the entire night doing nothing while she cried out. Aleksander had noticed that, despite being well-fed, the baby was becoming more and more frail as the days passed, and she was having trouble sleeping as well. If his mother noticed it too she hadn't tried to do anything about it.
Aleksander walked to the crib and picked up the baby, carefully rocking her in his arms while murmuring shushes and other words of comfort. But she continued to bawl out. Running out of ideas, he grabbed an extra warm blanket and took her outside. Maybe some air would do her some good.
The chill of the nights by the shores of Fjerda were unforgiving. But the baby eventually calmed, going from crying to cooing as they walked through the dark sands. Together they listened to the rumblings of the waves. Aleksander couldn’t see much, the full moon up in the sky being the only thing that kept him from being in total darkness, but as he looked down he saw his baby sister’s dark eyes looking at him intently. Like her gaze could pierce into his soul. Aleksander smiled sadly, he would miss this. In the last couple of weeks he realized that he liked taking care of things, for the first time he had felt an urge to nurture something and watching it grow. If he had a home he would build himself garden, and stable to take care of horses that were just his. If he had a home then maybe he could have friends, family...
As he paced around on the sand, he pondered. He could find a way to make her stay, find someone to perform a spell that would give her legs so she could fit in with the humans. Her father walked on legs while he ventured on land so the spell was possible, he didn’t have gray skin either so he knew the spell could take care of that as well. She may not be a shadow summoner but she was still powerful. He didn’t know much of the sildroher but he knew they were a powerful race who lived very long lives. She could provide company for him the way no one else besides his mother could.
Aleksander wanted a companion who could be constant. Someone who didn’t wither away. A little sister would be perfect. He could picture teaching her how to ride a horse, her father’s kind were associated with music so he would teach her how to play some earthly musical instruments, he could brush her long dark hair, they could have snowball fights in the winter back in Ravka. Her presence would add some warmth to his life, she wouldn’t be cold hearted and demanding like his mother, she would be his partner, she would laugh with him. The life of constant fleeing wouldn’t be so difficult to endure anymore because he would have her, someone to go back to, someone he could be truly honest with, someone who wouldn’t yell at him to stand up straight and hide his sorrow. Mother had no interest in her so he would raise her himself, and he would make sure she grew up with love and gentleness. He would teach her to be gentle in a way his mother wasn’t, gentle in a way he wasn't allowed to be.
It was decided then. He would plead his mother to let her stay and he would take care of the rest. If she said no, he would simply take her away before her father arrived. He was used to running, he was learning to disappear as soon as he learned to walk. Escaping from mother shouldn’t be much more difficult. He had to come up with an escape plan to keep it as a backup before he went and asked her to let him raise the baby.
***
As he made his way back to the house, the baby began wailing again. As he rocked her in his arms he no longer tried to shush her, he simply started begging that she would just calm down so he could get some sleep. He was tired and couldn’t spend the night out in the cold. Aleksander felt her tail wiggling impatiently beneath the covers as she let out her cries, as if desperate swim out of his arms. Swim…
Oh . She was not bound to earth like him. She belonged to two different worlds. So far both him and his mother had been neglecting that, only tending to her earthly needs. But she belonged to the sea as much she belonged to earth, if not more. Aleksander looked at the sea and had an idea.
He couldn’t simply fill in the tub with freshwater, fish from saltwater don’t survive on freshwater, she was a creature from the sea so he figured it could be a problem for her to be under water not from the sea. He walked into the house while his mother scowled at him, recently awakened by the wailing infant. Aleksander ignored her and put the baby on the crib.
“Watch her while I go outside to fetch something. I think I know what she needs.” His mother simply looked at the baby with indifferent eyes. Not moving an inch to comfort the child.
Aleksander went back outside and grabbed two buckets from the porch. He walked to the sea, his bones already rigid from standing in the cold for too long, and filled the buckets with sea water. Back inside the house, his mother eyed him curiously.
“What are you doing?” She sounded more tired than annoyed.
“Can you help me fetch more water for a bath?”
“I already bathed her earlier.”
“I know, but I think she wants to be under sea water.”
“And I can’t wait to make her wish come true.” She spat.
“Mother, please?”
She regarded him for a while, then rolled her eyes in annoyance “Oh well, it’s not like I can sleep anyways.” Heaving a sigh, she arose reluctantly, grabbed two extra buckets and followed him to acquire more water from the sea.
Once the tub was full, Aleksander was even more tired and aching all around. He went to get the baby, wishing he could give her a name instead of referring to her as “the infant”, which felt too impersonal for what she truly meant to him. She was crying more quietly now, no doubt weary herself from wailing for so long. As he stripped her of the blankets he wondered if they were necessary, considering she didn’t seem vulnerable to cold temperatures like most humans were. Carefully, he dipped her into the water and released his grip on her. She was immediately calm again. Her nostrils fluttered and her mouth opened as if taking a gulp of fresh air for the first time in a long time, her little arms swinging up and down, her small tail swinging back and forth. She looked peaceful for the first time in hours. Aleksander sat resting his arms on the tub walls and stared at her.
His mother came near him, all wrapped in furs, to see for herself what he had done. She didn’t smile in approval, she simply made a noise that sounded like a humph, in time Aleksander had learned to recognize as a sign of her acquiescence to something. He heard her turn on her heels and mumble something like “... some peace and quiet.” Something something “her father tomorrow”
Aleksander looked up at that. “What?”
“I said I’m ringing the bell to call for her father tomorrow.”
“What?”
“Are you deaf, boy?”
“No. I heard you. I just don’t understand… You don’t think it’s too soon?”
His mother scoffed. “No. And he won’t be here for another week so...”
“It’s still too soon! Isn’t it dangerous for her to wean so quickly?”
“She’ll be perfectly alright! She’s not some otkazat’sya infant.”
His mother turned on her heels again, about to leave the room. “Mother, please?” He had to try now “C-couldn’t we keep her? She may not be a shadow summoner but she’s still powerful. I don’t believe she’s like everyone else, even if she doesn’t live as long as we do.” His mother’s face was emotionless like usual, but he continued pleading. “Lets keep her, I could even raise her myself, you wouldn’t have to do more than you already do.”
“Are you stupid, boy? We’re constantly moving around, we can’t have this creature that doesn’t even look human slowing us down and attracting attention to us. Do you have a death wish?”
“We could find a spell! L-like the one that made her father look human. Then she could blend-in with us-”
“Tell me where we could find such a spell? Hm?”
“T-the same place her father found?”
“Those kinds of spells are reserved to favored members of sildroher royalty. You have no way of making contact with them. Even if you had, they have no reason to bother with human inconveniences regardless if they’re grisha or otkasat’sya.”
His heart sank a little. He expected his mother to say no, but he didn’t expect her to make a good point as to why she was saying no. But his hope didn’t falter. He was powerful too. One of the most powerful among the grisha. A descendant of Morozov. He could find a way to make her human himself.
Aleksander wouldn't mind keeping her as she is, he loves the way she looks, but the world was not kind to those who were different. So she had to blend-in in order to survive.
His mother lowered herself, placing her hands on her thighs to speak to him like she did when he was five. “Say you manage it. Say you make her human, what kind of life will you offer her?”
Aleksander lowered his gaze at last. He should’ve known better than to entertain himself with dreams of familial bliss, those were for others. People like him didn’t live like that. She would have to endure all the persecution as well, the constant moving around, not being able to form attachments to anyone or to any places, not even having the right to her own name if he gave her one, always unsure if she would see the sun rise the next day.
“Would you wish the life we have on her?”
No. Not on her nor anyone else. He looked down onto the tub and watched the baby swing her tail back and forth, she hadn't been under water for long but she already looked healthier than she had in days. This is where she belonged, in the water. It was selfish to bound her to a restricted life on a hostile land when the seawater was where she truly flourished.
His mother sighed. “Remember the Shu proverb, son.” Despise your heart .
His chest tightened. Anger and sadness tangling together inside him. Anger at his mother for doing this, for entertaining him with hope of a less lonesome life only to steal it away later. It was cruel. She was cruel. He also felt sad for everything. For being born the way he did, for being hated by the world, for being no one and belonging nowhere, for not being able to hope things could ever be better. So he turned his face from his mother so she couldn’t see the tears welling in his eyes. She would scold him for crying since, according to her, he would be a man soon, a powerful man at that, and the powerful ones do not weep. Aleksander could not find it in himself to see his power as anything but a curse when all it did was rob him of any chance of happiness and condemn him to a never-ending life of fear and solitude.
***
As the days went by, Aleksander grew even more attached to his sister. But the affection grew alongside the pain of impending separation. He would forever remember the hurt in his heart as she cooed while he sang her a lullaby to lull her to sleep, the way she gripped his index finger, like she was clinging on to him the way he wanted to cling to her. He quietly prayed to the Saints for time to be still, so he could be with her a little more, prayed that the day she would be taken from him never arrived. But unsurprisingly, his prayers remained unanswered, and the fateful day eventually did arrive after all.
Aleksander lay on his bed facing the wall, sleep had escaped him throughout the entire night. The sun had already risen but he hadn’t found the strength to get up and start the day. He could hear his mother dressing up from across the room, her steps thumping firmly on the ground, he worried about the noise waking up the baby. Was his mother incapable of any delicacy even for the sake of her infant daughter?
He had decided to not leave the bed until both his mother and sister left the house to go to the sea. He could not bear seeing his baby sister, could not bear to hold her in his arms knowing it would be the last time he held her. His mother knew this was difficult for him, she had watched him over the past weeks with scowling eyes as his love for his sister grew. So on this day she decided to do him the kindness of not demanding his presence with her as she went to give away the child to her sildroher father.
The front door was slammed shut, as was expected from his mother’s rough hands. That stirred the baby up, and she began to cry out loudly. Aleksander still wouldn’t move. It’s not my problem anymore. Mother can handle her until she meets with the father. But she wouldn’t stop. And his mother was not walking away, still trying with very little patience to get the child to calm down before leaving. Aleksander tried to stay still where he was.
But he could not. Couldn’t bear to listen to her crying and without running to comfort her. So he heaved a sigh and got up, dressed himself as fast as he could and ran to the front door. His mother was only slightly surprised upon seeing him.
“Give her to me. I’ll go with you.” His mother eyed him hesitantly for an instant but eventually obliged. Aleksander sang a lullaby while rocking her in his arms while they walked together to the shore.
They were all silent inside the boat. His mother busied herself with rowing the boat out to sea. Aleksander’s eyes remained fixed on the sleeping baby inside the basket. He once again wished she had a name. One can not truly exist until they’re named. He wanted to give her one but his mother said it wasn’t their concern to name her, that she was not family and that her father was the one to find an appropriate name for her. Even so, Aleksander could not find a fitting name for her, can an earthly name be fitting for a creature not of earth? he wondered. But his heart mourned not ever learning what her name would be in the sea.
Suddenly he thought of home. Of Ravka. He always thought of Ravka but the memories from his home country weighted more heavily since his sildroher sister was born. She would never know the country of her mother and brother. She would not see its beauties, the gleaming lakes, how colorful it could be in the summer, how ravkans could still find a way to have fun in the chilling winter. She would not see the grand palaces, the tall trees, the big bears. But he contented himself with knowing that she would not be at risk of being hunted down or enslaved, she would not starve, and maybe beneath the sea things were even more beautiful than they were in Ravka. She would be safe. Safe in a way that he could never be.
Despise your heart, the shu said. I’m despising half of my heart by taking care of it, he thought, I love you enough to not bear the thought of any harm to come to you, so I’m letting you go. It hurt to let her go, but it was comforting to know she’d be safe. Mother was right about one thing, she was more sildroher than human. They will care for her, she is of their kin, he thought hopefully as he nudged his finger one last time into her small fists.
Eventually, the water stirred near them. The sildroher was arriving. Aleksander picked up the baby and held her against his chest as tightly as her infant fragile body allowed. His lips pressing on her small head, his eyes closed. Willing that this was all a bad dream and he would wake up in a world where his mother welcomed her new child, where neither of them would be despised and hunted for being born the way they were, where he could have a normal childhood with brothers and sisters and they lived unconcerned with the future, unconcerned with trying to survive another day. But they did not live in such a world. Aleksander was brought back to reality at the sound of his mother clearing her throat. The sildroher was waiting.
Aleksander looked up to the sea man whose body below the torso was hidden by the water. His daughter did not have his complexion, nor did she have her mother’s complexion. The combination of their very different biologies had sired an unique looking being. For a moment Aleksander meant to ask if there were other sildroher that looked like her beneath the sea, he worried her complexion would make her stand out among the sea folk and they segregated her. The sea folk were his last hope of giving his sister a peaceful and comfortable life. Aleksander regarded the sildroher man for a moment, searching his face for any signs of estrangement, when he found none, he allowed himself to relax a bit.
He looked at the baby one last time, clenching his jaw with a lump on his throat. One last time he ran his fingers through her delicate head, her dark eyes so like her mother’s staring back at him as if in contemplation.
Suddenly he thought of home again, of Ravka. He thought of all the wonderful things that could never be. The sadness hung heavier once he realized that the pain of separation was one sided. He would carry her in his memory forever, she, however, would live on without ever learning of his existence. He wished he had something to give to her.
“S-sir. Does she have a name yet?” Aleksander’s voice was hoarse with the effort of repressing tears.
The sildroher considered him, on his face there was a hint of sympathy for the boy about to lose his baby sister forever to the sea. “Not yet.”
“Can you call her Ulla? it’s short for Ursula.”
“Sasha! it’s not your place to impose on-”
“It’s alright” the sildroher threw up placating hand. “Ulla, then?" He smiled almost sadly now "Alright, Ulla is what we’ll call her.”
Aleksander nodded with a twinge of satisfaction. She may not know about her brother’s existence, but she would be carrying something of him with her and of the country she would never know but that ran through her veins. Aleksander was Ravkan, bears held great significance in Ravka, they were strong and good-natured. Ursula meant “she-bear” in an ancient long dead language. At last, Aleksander placed one final kiss in Ulla’s forehead and moved to the side carefully to deliver her to the father.
“Promise me you’ll take good care of her.”
The sildroher nodded, “I promise you, boy.” There was a tinge of guilt on his face, like he felt the wrongness of separating two siblings. Aleksander only wished his mother shared some of that guilt as well, maybe there was a time where she would, a time when all of her kindness hadn’t been stomped on by constant hardship. The sildroher man seemed kind enough, Ulla deserved to live with a parent like him, not like her mother.
The tears now streamed freely through Aleksander’s face as he kept peering at Ulla in the sildroher arms until he dove into the sea and disappeared from their sight. He no longer cared if his mother scolded him for crying, and surprisingly so, she did not. Together, they rowed in silence back to the shore.
They remained in silence as they walked back to the hut. They needed to prepare for travel soon, there was no longer a point in residing in this place, and they could never risk themselves by staying in a place too long, lest the locals suspected their nature and captured them as slaves, or worse, burned them alive as witches.
Aleksander stopped suddenly, fists clenched, eyes still welling with tears. His mother stopped shortly after to look at her son.
“No more.” he said firmly.
“Excuse me?”
“No more of this.”
His mother stood still and impassive, but didn’t try to brush him off like usual. So Aleksander continued.
“I mean it, mother. I can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t handle you making me dare to have expectations only to crush it afterwards. How can you be so cruel as to purposefully bring children to this world only to abandon them when they turn out to be what you expect? How can you be so selfish as to bring me into this sort of life just so you can be less lonely? This is no life! I am tired of living like a rat.” He took two steps forward. “So I say no more. If you do this again, if you attempt this again you better forget I’m your son.”
His mother was about to scoff but he interrupted her. “Don’t doubt me, mother. I’ve been learning to disappear since I learned how to walk, and I’ve learned from the very best. You better believe I know how to hide from you as well. If you attempt this again, you better hope it works or else you will spend the rest of your immortal life completely alone. Know this, mother, you may not be able to live without me, but I can very well live without you. Unlike you, I haven’t given up on the world yet.”
Aleksander couldn’t believe the boldness of his own words. He had never dared to speak to his mother like that. Her face betrayed little, but he could see she was affected enough by his words to consider him. There was a hint of shock in her countenance and maybe a small tinge of pride. Her son, the only one she would never abandon, had taken after her in more ways than she’d imagined. He was quiet and soft-spoken, but he had her spite, her capacity for destructiveness. Aleksander had learned from her that the only way to survive a cruel world was to become cruel right back. She had taught him to lie, to steal, to murder, to betray his fellow man, all this without remorse, because it was done in the name of survival. But Aleksander wanted more than just survival, he wanted to know what it felt like to truly live without fear.
After a while she finally spoke. “Alright, kid.”
Aleksander did his best to conceal his surprise at her concession.
“No more, then. Seems like we'll have to content ourselves with each other from now one” She smiled sadly as she walked towards him and placed a hand on top of his head, her best impression of motherly affection. She was probably sad too. After all, the whole point of attempting to have more shadow summoners was so they could be less alone in their curse. It was selfish to doom a child to the life they led, but they were only human, and misery becomes more bearable when it’s shared.
"But, Sasha, don't think you will ever be rid of me." She was speaking in her usual firm voice again "This is a small world, and we are both eternal. There's no place on this earth you could run that would be too far for me to find you. The only way you could be rid of me is if you killed me, and I know you'll never have it in you to do so." she came closer, Aleksander could feel her breath on his face but he did not falter, "You're young still, you haven't felt the weight of loneliness like I have, but you will. And when that time comes you will need me as much as I need you now, because I will be your only shelter, your only constant in a life where everything withers before your eyes. You might hate me in the future but you won't imagine seeing yourself completely free of me. Because if not me, than who else? There is no one else, there will probably never be anyone else." And with that, she whirled a resumed walking forward.
As they approached the hut, Aleksander looked out to the sea. He still felt a tinge of hope amidst all the sadness. If her father came to the surface then maybe she could come up one day too. He was leaving soon. To another Fjerdan city, maybe a village, maybe back to Ravka or another country, anywhere he could be safe for a short period of time. But in his heart he made a vow to see her again. In a few years, he would come back here every summer and wait for his little Ulla. Then maybe she could answer for herself whether she would take upon his offer for them to be a family again. For now, the world had more pressing matters besides the loneliness of two shadow summoners. Aleksander would be a man soon, so he would start tending to those matters as he waited for his sister to come ashore.