Work Text:
It’s been what? 30 minutes? 60? 80? No one knows. Renjun has been in his seat for too long now, typing with no specific goal, can’t find the right words to put. Sighing, he got up from his seat to get himself a cup of coffee to wake his nerves up.
A buzz from his phone interrupted him from making his coffee.
Jaemin:
hey dumb fucker, are you planning to rot there in your house? pls tell me asap so I can now prepare my eulogy <33
Renjun rolled his eyes upon reading the text message, not even bothering to send a reply, Renjun proceeds in making his dear coffee.
In this life, you’ll always be filled with uncertainties that will sometimes eat your system. So much doubt, everything will cloud your mind. Is it better to hide? Such a coward move, they say. But what really is bravery when all of us always wear our fake courage, underneath is the skin of cowardice. No one is strong enough, not even Renjun.
Sipping from his cup, feeling like all the life from his body are awaken. True enough, coffee really do wonders.
Once again, a continuous buzz interrupted him from staring mindlessly in his laptop screen. Expecting it to be Jaemin again, getting irritated now, ready to reply to shut the fuck up, but is welcomed by a text notif from Donghyuck.
Donghyuck:
Sent an image.
hey renjun look what I’ve found!!
found this store selling your fave, totally cheaper than the ones you have
A small smile crept across Renjun’s face. A totally different emotion seen in his face from the past few days. Because it’s true, grand gestures always do wonders to a person; but it gets overwhelming, too overwhelming that one sometimes doesn’t know how to handle. However, little things, those little things that can totally pull some strings in your heart, a thug that can totally put your heart in bliss.
Favoritism, you must say. Jaemin, the bane of Renjun’s existence, been there for too long now that Renjun is now ready to say goodbye. (of course, he’s kidding) their relationship has always been like they don’t matter to each other but really means so much – too much, the other is already planning a long speech for his eulogy. And Donghyuck, has been the second bane of his existence. He’s far, like literally but never failed to make Renjun feel that he cared, that he reminds him of little things.
To Donghyuck
From Renjun:
ohh cool
will check it out later
will call you soon, okay?
From Donghyuck:
sure : )
hit me up anytime, tyt
If anything, you can always count on Donghyuck because surely, he’ll understand. He always, always understands that sometimes put Renjun into thinking, am I deserving of this? There’s guilt dripping in Renjun’s system.
Our mind has always been handling the strings of our life, like a marionette. We have no control over it, it gets too overwhelming. All emotions be eating you up like there’s water neck deep – steady, the water is calm, too calm, too terrifying.
Renjun is scared, scared of getting used to drowning in a neck deep steady water.
Or maybe, there’s no time for that. Because there’s Donghyuck, the personification of a hand that always pulls him back to the land, his own safeguard.
Donghyuck:
or maybe not
will be calling you rn
no buts, just please answer
As fast as how the time goes, Renjun finds himself 2 and half hours in with Donghyuck. In a videocall, sharing each other’s dumb stories, laughing like a mad man, be in a comfortable silence in between just for one to start another dumb topic.
“Jaemin has been pestering me for days now, you know. He’s asking me if what’s up with you because you’re not answering any of his messages or call. He said he’s so near banging himself up to your front door.” Renjun chuckles from what he heard. “Don’t mind him, he’s being overly worried and protective again. And I’m answering his texts, just so you know, but only the important ones. He’s been sending me dumb texts! I’m so close in blocking him.”
Renjun knows, he knows that his friends are aware of what’s going on again with him. Thankfully, they understand, it’s just that, they have different ways of showing him they cared or ways to know he’s still alive and kicking. We all have our bad days, aren’t we? But Renjun sometimes question what bad luck he had acquired that the supposed to be “bad days” to some become one to two weeks for him, even months.
Hiding from the world, from the people, no matter how cowardly it looked to others, is so comforting for Renjun. No need to put the best version of yourself, be someone you wanted to be rather than what other’s wants to see from you. It feels like a warm blanket that will hide him from the world, away from the problems of the world. Yet it’s selfish, isn’t it?
“hey, Donghyuck” Renjun called. Donghyuck simply answered with a hum, too busy with whatever he’s looking at his computer screen. “Do you ever wish to be with someone else other than me?” he asked.
Donghyuck is so quick to look at his cellphone screen, questioning eyes and crease in between his eyebrows can be visibly seen. “Of course not! What made you think of that?”
Renjun shrugs, unable to answer. He’s ready to cut off the topic, pretend he never asked that, to hide again under the mask of smiles and saying that everything’s okay. Donghyuck is fast enough to know that he’ll dodge the question so he proceeds in saying, “Do we have a problem? You know, you can tell me anything and everything. Besides, I have plenty of time. Fuck that mathematics paper due tomorrow. I can make time, what’s the problem, hmm?”
Renjun knows he can’t hide now or even drop the call because he’s more than sure that Donghyuck will be at their front porch the next day, looking all worried and such, travelling miles just for them to talk – he knows more than not answering.
“I don’t know, I sometimes think that I demand more than what’s supposed to be, I expect more than what you can give and that’s not okay...” This is not a “them” problem but more than a “me” problem to Renjun. Renjun hesitates, he looks at his screen, seeing Donghyuck listening to him attentively, encouraging him to continue, “Because I want you all for myself, and I hate seeing you share to others the same things we share together. That was special to me, and I hope, for you too, it is the same.” Renjun, now feeling every emotion he felt for the past days, like a fuel for his courage to drive, he continues.
“I can see you enjoying your time with others and that made me think of maybe, you’re happier with them. Sometimes, I can see your friends’ tagged posts especially in Yangyang’s profile, picture in a hotpot place, almost every weekend you’re there. It’s our favorite, you know that! The pet name “junnie” you’ve been calling me for years now, you now use that to Xiaojun!”
That’s the thing with Donghyuck. He knows he can be totally honest with him, to be totally vulnerable – more than what he allowed to be. He lets out all his worries because he knows, Donghyuck will not judge him. To not take anything he said out of context, to understand him like their thoughts are one. Which makes him scared too. What will he do if the time comes and Donghyuck gets tired of him?
“You have been thinking that all this time? Why didn’t you tell me?” Donghyuck’s face now is painted with worry, but eyes are filled with words unsaid, things Renjun can’t name.
“Because I know it is not your fault. This is me and my stupid mind. I feel so dumb thinking and feeling this way. It’s not like it’s your fault to have other friends, of course I’m happy to see you enjoying yourself even you’re away. You know what, let’s talk about other things, this is stupid.” Like every word he said have finally dawned at him, Renjun can feel the heat creeping in his skin, looking down saving all the dignity that was left for him to save, shouting what the fuck was that in his mind.
“Hey, hey, look at me. Renjun look at me, please.” He has no plans looking at Donghyuck but the softness in Donghyuck’s voice is like magic that comforted him, like saying it’s okay, there is nothing to be ashamed of. “It is not your fault. Your feelings are totally valid. I’m sorry that you felt that with me. I didn’t give you enough reassurance that made you felt that way. I’m sorry, love.” The softness in Donghyuck’s voice puts his body to ease, sighing deeply, he looks at Donghyuck’s face on the screen.
People come and go, but there are few that we surely want to come and stay. Donghyuck is one for Renjun, and Renjun hopes, Donghyuck thinks and feels the same.
“You can tell me anything and everything, you know that right?” Renjun nodded. “Share your thoughts with me, your feelings with me, no matter how nonsense it seems to you, there is no such thing as nonsense to me when it comes to you.”
Maybe, small things pull some strings to Renjun’s heart, but Donghyuck’s words totally made a complete somersault to his heart. Words along with actions never fail to put oneself at ease, to completely erase one’s worries, to have something to hold onto.
“I don’t want to sound a nagging boyfriend to you!”
Donghyuck smiled from what he heard to which made Renjun blush. It may or may not be a slip of the tongue, no one knows, not even Donghyuck.
“So, I’m your boyfriend now, huh?” thanks to the lack of light in Renjun’s room, the other can’t see how red he is, like a tomato, so red you’ll think he’ll explode.
“Shut up. That’s not my point.” Renjun now totally wants to hide, not from the world, but from Donghyuck.
Donghyuck chuckles, “Just kidding, I know what you’re talking about. No pressure, love. We already talked about that. I’ll come home to you soon, okay?” Renjun nodded, smile slowly growing in his face.
True enough, life is full of uncertainty to be filled with doubts and letting fear eat you up, to let unsaid words sit there in your mind – hidden, just like the feelings unexpressed. Communication. All you have to do is express your mind and heart to let your thoughts and feelings come across.
Renjun sat up from his seat, stretching his arms and legs from hours of sitting in his chair in front of his study table and laptop. A buzz from his phone, notifying him he’s got a message.
Donghyuck:
ordered from the store been telling you for months now
hope that cheers you up !!
can’t wait to go home and bring you there myself
or maybe I can’t wait any longer
go to your front door now, it’s freezing in here
Upon reading the message, Renjun ran from his room to the front door of their house, stumbling with a few things on the way, surely his mom will nag the hell out of him for that but that’s a whole lot matter to think later. For now, all he’s gonna think is the boy standing in front of him, soft eyes, wide smile and a paper bag in hand.
“It’s cold.” The first words Donghyuck utters. Renjun on the other hand, is like a stone, unable to move, totally in disbelief of the man he’s seeing in front of him right now. Renjun stepped aside, making way for Donghyuck. Can’t contain what he’s feeling he throws himself to Donghyuck, wrapping Donghyuck on a tight hug. “I miss you.” He looks up, straight in his eyes, eyes sparkling, Renjun can see adoration and love in the other’s eyes. “I miss you too.” Donghyuck answers, wrapping his arms in the older’s waist and the other hand stroking Renjun’s blonde locks, placing a soft kiss in Renjun’s forehead, a habit he’s been doing ever since.
“Does Jaemin knows you’re coming home?” Renjun asked.
“No.”
Renjun shakes his head, smiling thinking he’s got to see a good fight any day now, “He’ll totally kill you if he knows you went home without telling him, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
Donghyuck chuckles, “Yeah, that’s a talk for later, will think of that some other time. So where are again?” Once again, wrapping his arms around Renjun’s waist, the older placing his head in the younger’s chest.
Here, in Donghyuck’s arm, Renjun finds silence, solace, like once again, he’s been pulled out from the water, he feels nothing but warmth and comfort. In Donghyuck’s arm, there’s no hiding, he can be true and honest. Between Donghyuck’s arms, he found his best friend, comfort, and home.