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“Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?”
The door was already ajar, so Vax figured it was safe to peek in. Lo and behold the individual he sought was indeed found within; she was sitting at a desk situated under the window at the opposite end of the room. Nova glanced over her shoulder as his words reached her, making a weak attempt to decipher the uneasy expression he wore as he entered. She was keen to avoid agreeing to anything too hastily.
Coming up short in her analysis, any excuses that might’ve bought her more time likewise eluded her; yielding to his request was starting to look like the only viable option. “Yeah, sure. What’s up? Is everything alright?”
She turned in her chair as he plopped down on the bed nearby, leaning back on his arms. “Well…no. I mean, nothing’s technically wrong, but there’s definitely something wrong with me. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh, do you need me to heal you?”
The half-elf exhaled a humorless chuckle. “Nah, not this time. I don’t think there’s any magic that can heal this kind of wound. An emotional wound; that’s what I’m getting at.”
“Ah, I see,” Nova replied with a solemn nod. “As long as you keep in mind that the stars can’t solve everything, and it’s quite clearly against the tenants I abide to try to bend or manipulate fate in my favor--or anyone else’s--to any extent.”
“Yeah yeah, you’ve told me plenty of times,” Vax snapped back in a huff, watching with dismay as the faelyne’s ears slowly folded down. Shit, he was already off to a bad start--this week just wasn’t his week, apparently. No use backtracking now; if he could get through the remainder of their conversation without making a bigger ass of himself, then he’d have at least one measly victory under his belt. “Sorry, I just…” He ran a hand through his hair, feeling his stomach start to flip and twist. Gods, why had he thought discussing this with anyone was a good idea…much less her?
Nova adjusted in her seat, resting her elbow against the desk’s polished surface as she appraised her troubled guest. She--and Tamarisk, on occasion--had been making use of Vox Machina’s keep ever since they’d gotten tangled up in the living nightmare that was the Whitestone/Briarwood debacle. What a clusterfuck. A clusterfuck of epic proportions. And that was still an understatement!
Nova’s stomach churned and her heart leapt as the memory she’d come to cherish most amidst these escalating hardships abruptly shifted to the forefront of her mind. It also happened to be a memory she wanted nothing more than to forget. Not because she genuinely desired to banish it, but because it served her no benefit and was unlikely to start doing so any time soon. It certainly didn’t improve the circumstances of her present predicament, as she was about to discover.
Cradling Vax in her arms as blood and blade raged around them, Nova had offered what comforting words she could as she’d healed the injured man that’d somehow managed to change her life so completely in such a short amount of time. She’d rescued him from the greedy clutches of death that fateful evening…and she’d fallen head over heels for him in the process. No warning, no hesitation, no control…she simply loved him. She loved him more than she’d ever loved anyone, a love that was foreign to her, a love she guarded and cherished with her whole heart.
“I didn’t mean to snap at you.” The rogue’s voice yanked the priestess out of her blood stained reverie. “I’m just not doing great, so I’m not thinking straight, so stuff isn’t coming out the way I mean it to…”
“It’s fine,” she reassured, raising a dismissive hand. “Don’t give it a second thought. If it’s bothering you this much, it must be something intense. I know you haven’t given me any details yet, and you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I want to make sure you know that I’m prepared to do anything and everything I can to help.”
“I’m not sure this is the kind of problem you can help solve,” Vax mused, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I guess we won’t know until I tell you, and we’d both be better off if I just got on with it and explained…”
The prolonged pause that followed only exacerbated Nova’s distress. Pushing her seat back and rising from the desk, she joined Vax on the bed--keeping a respectable distance between them, of course. She was tempted to reach out and place a hand over his; was he trembling, was his skin hot or cold, was he clammy? There was no telling how much truth he was exposing through his subconscious physical reactions alone, but the faelyne had no need for such discreet analysis or roundabout tactics. Her companion had come to her to get something difficult, something painful off of his chest, and Nova was going to do everything in her power to help ease his discomfort. Even if such aid came at the expense of her own.
“It’s okay if it’s hard to talk about,” she soothed as the tip of her twinkling tail brushed his hand. “You don’t need to push yourself. And you don’t have to give me too many specifics, or really any specifics, if you don’t want to. You can just…talk. About whatever you want to talk about, and I’ll be here to listen.”
“But you always listen to everyone’s complaints about every little thing they’re dealing with,” the half-elf argued as a guilty pressure tightened his chest. “And that’s a main part of your legitimate profession, too. I don’t want to contribute to everything else you’re already--”
“You’re here, though, aren’t you?” Nova challenged, regarding him with a gaze so tender he swore she was caressing his very soul. Gods, how could he not fall in love with a feeling like that, with a person who was capable of instilling him with feelings like that? Hell if he knew; as far as Vax was concerned, his tumultuous emotions were out of his hands, wrecking havoc far beyond his meager sphere of influence. “Which means you were at least comfortable enough to ask me about it. And I gave you my answer, didn’t I? I’m willing to listen. I want to. So talk to me. What’s troubling you, Vax?” If she’d been brave enough, she would have reached out and caressed his face, but she was already pushing her luck considering the circumstances.
The half-elf took a deep breath, paused again; the silence stretched on between them. Fingers flexing against the sheets, his eyes narrowed as he steeled himself to take the plunge. Unfortunately for Nova, she didn’t have the warning or forethought to brace herself. They were twisting in the wind together, and it took every last drop of composure and self-restraint to prevent her from launching into a knee jerk reaction as he uttered his next words.
“So, well, the thing is…I’m in love with Keyleth.”
He was still talking. There was more he had to say. That wasn’t the issue, that wasn’t the central conflict he was dealing with. Vax was in love with Keyleth. It was as simple as that. And it wasn’t like this news was completely unexpected…he’d been giving off signs and hints and signals for a while now. He’d probably been dropping them since before he and Nova had even crossed paths. It wasn’t a big deal. As the devastated young woman attempted to convince herself of that, she simultaneously suppressed the greatest urge to lock herself away and submit to her despair she’d ever experienced in her life; it certainly felt that extreme.
“But…I don’t think she’s all that interested in me.” If Nova thought she was struggling before, he somehow managed to make things even worse, even more intolerable for her. She was the last person he should’ve discussed any aspect of this with, but there wasn’t really any way to disengage; they were both just along for the ride, committed to seeing this disastrous confession through to the end. “I…I confessed to her under the Sun Tree just before we all headed back here from Whitestone. Actually, I guess I kind of confessed to her while we were fighting for our lives against zombies. I didn’t know if I was going to get another chance…I didn’t know if any of us were going to get another chance.”
Nova hadn’t been present for the majority of the Whitestone expedition herself. Warping between Emon and Whitestone using a limited teleport ability and what scant resources the Sovereign saw fit to provide, she’d done what little she could to assist her companions from a distance. Much to her dismay, the priestess of the Moonweaver still had her own ever expanding pile of work and commitments to attend to, even as the fate of Whitestone and Vox Machina within it had yet to be determined. Ultimately, the Everlight and the Dawnfather had deigned to grant their blessings of protection and punishment just before all hope could be lost. But Nova would never completely forgive herself for failing to commit to the cause that needed her most, and the people she was starting to realize she desperately didn’t want to live without.
“So I went for it. It didn’t go over all that well at first…because I’m an idiot. I just blurted the words in the heat of the moment, undead crawling and moaning all over the place, there was just…there wasn’t any time. No time for anything. And then there was the whole…thing that happened at the ziggurat--”
“You don’t need to recount anything that’s too painful,” Nova finally spoke, and Vax’s head shot up as he registered the unmistakable crack in her voice. It seemed his alarmed reaction was for naught as he examined his companion, that spine-tinglingly fond expression still coloring her features. “I know nothing about dealing with the Briarwoods was easy. I know I’m lucky, we’re all inconceivably lucky, that everyone returned in one piece. For the most part. Anyway, I know the particulars, so don’t push yourself to endure any unpleasant memories on my account.”
“You’re always too nice. To me--to everyone,” he remarked, and she endeavored to disguise the wince she couldn’t entirely suppress. “Even when most of us don’t deserve it. How did I ever get lucky enough to meet someone as generous as you?”
“You were generous first, remember?” she quipped, hoping to steer the discussion back on track. “But let’s not get caught up throwing compliments back and forth just yet. You haven’t finished telling me about…what’s bothering you. So, you said you think Keyleth isn’t interested in you. Is that what she said?”
“She said it was the first time anyone’s ever said anything like that to her. Which, I guess that’s kind of a good thing for me, right?”
“I suppose it can be. Go on.”
Nova’s tail was twitching quite sporadically against his hand, but Vax barely noticed, distracted by the anxiety he was wrestling with in his own thoughts. “So, that’s the first time anyone’s ever said anything like that to her…but. There always has to be a ‘but,’ right? She said…she’s afraid. Afraid of what could happen, of what’s going to happen, of what’ll happen if any of us die. She’s afraid of the harsh reality that one day, she’s probably going to outlive all of us.
“Going off of that, she also said her hands are full with her own duties and the pressure of completing her Aramente. She mentioned that all of us have duties we need to fulfill, which I can’t deny. All the while she’s trying to wrap her head around the fact that she’s going to be leading an entire settlement of people one day…and I get that. I’m happy for her, I believe in her, I want to support her…and if that means I have to do so as a friend, so be it.
“It’s not like I…blame her for how she feels. I want to make that clear. I respect Keyleth’s position and her fears, I just wish…I wish I knew the best way to combat them, to chase them away from her before they can do any more damage, to make them stop tormenting her. Because Keyleth is a good person. Keyleth is an incredible person…I mean, I fell in love with her, so I already know she’s pretty amazing. And if that love takes the form of platonic support, then again, I’m fine with that. I’ll accept whatever arrangement makes her the most comfortable. That’s just the decent thing to do, isn’t it?”
By this time Nova was essentially a withered husk. Each word of adoration and praise that passed through his lips was like another dagger thrust between her ribs, ripping her apart until there was barely anything left. But…there had to be something left. Because she was still here, and Vax was still sitting next to her, and they were still having a conversation. Externally, things were entirely normal, completely fine. She could roll with that, somehow. She had to. Despite the agony, the isolation, the rejection he had no idea he was impressing upon her with every breath…she still loved him.
She loved him more than anything, she loved him with her entire being…so it was just as he’d said. She would accept whatever arrangement made him the most comfortable; that was the decent thing to do. Vax trusted her enough to come to her first--well, after Vex’ahlia, most likely, but Nova got the impression the twins didn’t really bond over subjects like this. Regardless, Vax had come to her with the intention of bearing his heart, his feelings, to someone who would treat them with warmth, benevolence, sensitivity. And Nova was going to do just that.
She didn’t place a hand over either of his. Instead she scooted just a bit closer, sat up just a bit straighter, and took both of his hands in her own determined grasp. “I find it quite commendable that you’re willing to compromise so much of yourself and how you feel for the one you love. However, I don’t think you should focus on censoring yourself just to make Keyleth comfortable. I think you should just…keep being yourself. Treat her the way you always have, with the same courtesy and admiration and kindness you’ve always shown. Whatever comes naturally to you, don’t try to change it. Trying to change yourself will only backfire on you in the long run, and it makes your love seem insincere. Keyleth knows how you feel now, and you know how she feels…so all that’s left is for you to live your lives.
“But I want to make sure I impress one thing upon you. If you take anything away from our conversation, I want you to remember this above all else: you’re an incredible, outstanding, spectacular person yourself. Much more amazing than you know or give yourself credit for, it seems. Your love is genuine and your heart is pure, and those virtues are reflected in your very being.
“Keyleth may come around yet…who knows? Maybe it’ll just take her a little longer to see the magnificent, wonderful, remarkable person you are in return. Regardless of how things play out, your love will continue to reach her through your words and actions. As long as you remember that and don’t stray from your own path, the path that makes you the most comfortable and takes you where you’re meant to be, I’m sure Keyleth will find her way back to your love.
“In whatever capacity that love is meant to blossom between you--take it from me. I’m a fortune teller, after all; I’ve been divining peoples’ destinies in the stars for years. A reading wouldn’t benefit you, though, from me or anyone else. Just, for the record. Because, even when it comes to matters like this, the gods and the cosmos can be finicky and vague. But I’m positive there’s a measure of peace and happiness in store for you that you can’t even fathom as you are now. It will arrive when you least expect it, only when you’re truly ready to face it, when you’re in a place where you can properly enjoy and appreciate all the blessings fate is no doubt impatiently waiting to bestow…at least, that’s what I like to believe.”
His hands remained clasped in hers. They sat stock still, barely breathing, identical voids staring into one another like black holes desperately devouring light. Their hearts felt just as bottomless, drowning them in a viscous, dangerous yearning that smothered them like honey and terrified them out of their wits. Who was going to make the first move? There was a ferocity lurking in Nova’s gaze, and Vax met it just the same. He caught a glimpse of something forbidden, a frenzied affection veiled by rejection and loss that dimmed the already scant light in her eyes. All Nova could see reflected in his gaze…was herself.
“So, um…I hope that helps,” she blurted as she pulled back, but his grip stayed her hands. “Keyleth is really beautiful and talented and nice, I can see why you like her. She’s going to be an amazing leader of the Air Ashari one day…and there’s nothing wrong with just being friends. It sounds like you understand that, and you’re not looking to try to persuade her or change her mind, which is also good…but I’m sorry it’s painful. I…I’m definitely not the right person to treat that, though. I don’t have any experience with it.”
“Experience with what? Relationships?”
Bile burned the back of Nova’s throat. “Uh, you know, you can let go of my hands now. If that’s all you needed, if that was all you wanted to discuss. Sorry but I just, uh, I need to get back to what I was working on.”
“You grabbed my hands first.” Vax tightened his grip and Nova tensed up in kind.
The events that followed blew through like a tempest. First, the half-elf held the panicking faelyne’s gaze with unwavering focus, absently stroking the back of one of her hands with his thumb. He didn’t even realize he was doing it. He was too busy searching her expression for answers, for the thinnest shred of evidence that would present him with the key to unlocking the emotions she kept stashed away, emotions that she could barely hold back at present. She was a dam on the verge of collapse.
Another crack formed in her battered, rusted emotional armor as he pressed a kiss to the back of her hands. She could feel his warm exhale and the gentle pressure of his lips through her gloves, and at this point her face was dyed crimson. What the hell was he doing, why was he acting like this? Had he not just finished waxing poetic about his crush to her, lamenting the unrequited nature of his affections? She was probably just overreacting; it was only a kiss. Not even a proper one at that! It was a small, trivial gesture, a display of gratitude and camaraderie that Nova needed to be grateful for. Not too grateful, though, lest she stumble into the same tragic trap he had.
“Sorry for the trouble,” he said as he stood, releasing her hands in a lingering fashion as he trailed his fingers across her own. It took all of her willpower not to reach back, fighting the magnetic pull that made her want to tackle him and never let go. “I didn’t mean to disrupt your work, I’ll let you get back to it. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest…I’ll be sure to keep your advice in mind.”
“I--It’s not actually an issue,” the flustered faelyne replied, scrambling to secure a more favorable farewell. “If I couldn’t afford to step away, I would’ve just kicked you out. I mean it. And--”
“You don’t need to justify yourself to me,” the rogue reassured in a tone that set her veins ablaze. If he could just quit jerking her heart around, that would be great. But how could he be blamed for something he wasn’t even aware of? “Or anyone else, for that matter. Don’t give it a second thought.”
With that, Vax tossed a playful wave over his shoulder and slipped out of the room. As the door latched behind him, a sound that sent a ripple through the silence that’d descended in his absence, Nova sat alone on the bed. Dumbfounded, disconcerted, and beyond reasoning with herself, her brain reeled as her heart frantically fought to beat its way out of her chest. What the hell had just happened? Why the hell did she feel this way? What the hell was she supposed to do now!?
It wasn’t like fate had any answers for her; for the first time in the course of her unique existence, the priestess felt that the stars she looked to for guidance had forsaken her. Dimming constellations that guarded their truths from her, preventing her from gaining a solid grasp of the future. She was just going to have to uncover those secrets the old fashioned way: by experiencing them as they unfolded before her very eyes…for better or worse.