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“Hyung?” Jisung asked, looking up from his phone with a look on his face that Chan couldn’t quite figure out.
Changbin was next to Jisung on the couch and looked up when he heard “hyung”, but quickly realized it wasn’t for him. He also noticed the look on Jisungs face and was confused, deciding to pay attention to their conversation.
“What’s wrong Sungie?” Chan asked, moving his chair over to the two.
“You remember Felix right? The boy we met in Australia?” Jisung asked, playing with his phone case.
Felix . It was a name Chan hadn’t heard in a long long time. He didn’t mean to stop talking to the boy, and for a while he completely forgot about him. He and Felix had gotten close during the threes visit, which started blooming into more. They confessed to each other, had sex a couple of times, but in the end, they both knew they couldn’t be together. It hurt Chan, knowing that his job was keeping him from loving who he wanted, and he wanted Felix.
He slowly stopped talking to him, though most of it was due to them just getting really busy and health issues. His heart dropped remembering how he basically just ghosted the younger.
“I uh, I remember. What about him?“ Chan asked, playing with his fingers and spinning in his chair.
“He’s um, he’s pregnant ?” Jisung said, unlocking his phone and facing it to Chan. “I didn’t even know that he wasn’t a cis guy, and now he’s pregnant, and pretty pregnant by the looks of it.”
It was an Instagram story, a photo taken in front of a mirror. You couldn’t see his face, but he was wearing a sports bra and sweats that were pulled down to fully show his bump. And god, the bump was big, way too big for the pregnancy to be recent. His heart broke looking at the photo, half from heartbreak but again from ghosting him. He knew he was probably having a hard time.
The caption in the photo read “I never thought this would happen, and I do wish this would have happened later in life, where I’d be stable enough to make sure you’d have a good life. I’m not disappointed though, I’m happy to have you. Daddy loves you little one”.
Chan’s breath caught in his throat as he read it. He looked behind Felix and saw it looked to be the boys bedroom. So this was really real .
“Hyung? Are you okay?” Jisung asked, pulling his phone away from him frowning.
“He and Felix were, I guess you can say a thing before we left.” Changbin said, taking Jisungs phone to see the story.
A somewhat dramatic look of realization fell on Jisungs face. He knew Chan was gay, and he knew they were not allowed to date at all, let alone a same sex relationship. They were in South Korea, it could never happen.
“I think we’re done working for the day, come on Channie we’re gonna get ramen and watch Deadpool.” Changbin said, pulling him out of his chair.
Chan grumbled but he knew better to argue with them. It was dangerous letting Chan work when his depression spiked, he knew they were trying to make sure he didn’t end up in the hospital again from dehydration.
He managed to clear his mind out during the movie, Ryan Renolds performance easily pulling him in. But he couldn’t help it when his mind kept wandering to Felix.
He wondered how far along he was and when he could’ve gotten pregnant. From his guess, it would’ve been around the time he left. So was the baby his? He didn’t remember ever getting texts from Felix saying it. Did Felix sleep with someone else right after he left? That didn’t sound like him.
When the movie was over Chan took a shower to wash away all the ickiness he was feeling. Afterwards he put on a pair of sweatpants and crawled into bed. Chan luckily had his own room, so Changbin and Jisung couldn’t be watching him.
He remembered the username of Felixs Instagram and typed it in on a private and honestly illegal account and easily found it. Felix wasn’t private so he was able to see everything. He clicked on his story, and the very first one was the one Jisung showed him. Now that he was alone he was able to look at the photo better.
It was indeed Felixs room, it hadn’t changed at all since the last time he was there. He could tell it was his body too, this all truly was real. And it scared him. The next slide said “ask anything you want, just be appropriate” and under it was a question box. Looking up at the top, he saw that there were quite a few stories after. He figured they were already a lot of questions, and he was right.
Q : how far along are you? Also congratulations!
A : I’m 20 weeks! I’ll be 21 in a couple of days, and thank you!
Q : do you know the gender yet?
A : no, but I’m hopefully finding out tomorrow 🥺
Q: who’s the other dad? Are you raising the baby alone?
A : an old friend of mine, and yes I am, though my friends are going to help
Q: any name ideas yet?
A : oh gosh so many, I still haven’t chosen a name for them regardless of their gender. Tomorrow might help me figure it out though (hopefully)
Q: did he leave you after finding out about the baby?
A : no, when we were still in contact I hadn’t realized I was pregnant yet. When I finally found out we were already drifting apart. I texted him and called him multiple times but he never picked up, so technically he doesn’t even know he’s a dad.
Q: any nursery ideas?
A : definitely! Either green or beige theme *a couple of images in it*, I’m not sure which one yet but I’ll show you guys soon once I decide
Q: will you have a baby registry link? I’d love to help you two out! I’m a parent myself
A : I will soon! I’ll put the link in my bio for anyone who wants to help out. I’ll probably do that instead of a baby shower since I don’t have many people who live near me that can come.
Q: so he basically ghosted you? That’s fucked up, how did he not see the texts and calls?
A : I’m seeing a lot of comments like this and worse coming through so I just want to clear some things up here. He lives in a different country with a different time zone, and he is an incredibly busy person with a strict boss. Before we stopped talking he was pretty stressed with work and didn’t have much time for himself. I’m not sure how he didn’t see the calls and texts as notifications, but I know he didn’t read my texts since they’re still on unread. I’m not mad at him, I’m not going to hold a grudge against him or hate him when I don’t even know his side of the story. There’s many reasons he may not be responding, so please stop with the mean comments.
Chan’s eyes blew open as he read it. He slowly was wondering if he was possibly the dad, but after reading the last one, he knew. He knew it had to be him, what Felix said makes so much sense and sounded way too familiar. He closed Instagram and checked his call logs far back, and there were indeed a few missed calls from him. He got about twelve calls a day around that time, he figured that’s how it got drowned out. Texts were worse, it was non stop text notifications, he had to keep a close eye on them in order to see who texted.
He opened his texts and again, Felix was telling the truth. His heart broke, he was twenty weeks pregnant and he had to go through that all alone because he didn’t even bother to try to check his texts, or try to keep their friendship up.
SEPTEMBER 12TH 2021
Lixie 🐣💛
Hey Chris, I know we haven’t talked in a couple of weeks, but we need to talk
Please text me back when you see this
It’s serious
12:35 pm
SEPTEMBER 13TH 2021
Lixie🐣💛
I think I might be pregnant
1:46 pm
Lixie🐣💛
I'm about to go buy tests, I just got out of class
But if they come back positive, the baby is yours
2:16 pm
Lixie🐣💛
*image attached*
I'm sorry Chris, I'm really sorry…
10:21 pm
Lixie🐣💛
Please just respond when you see this
I really need to talk to you
10:54 pm
SEPTEMBER 26TH 2021
Lixie🐣💛
I tried calling you
It went straight to voicemail each time
I know you’re really busy, and I won’t hold that against you
But this is your kid too
I need you
4:25 pm
OCTOBER 3RD 2021
Lixie🐣💛
Happy birthday Chris
I know you’re probably not gonna see this
I hope the boys are taking good care of you
2:12 am
OCTOBER 11TH 2021
Lixie🐣💛
I saw the promotions for your new album
There’s quite a lot of songs on there
Please remember to take care of yourself
I hope you’ll see these soon
1:35 am
NOVEMBER 10TH 2021
Lixie🐣💛
This is going to be my last attempt
I wish I got Jisung or Changbins number
I tried calling again but again it went straight to voicemail
I’m not sure if you’re even seeing these notifications
11:34 am
Lixie🐣💛
I kept the baby, I’m sure you know this
I’m on a thin line being transgender and Catholic, so if I aborted the baby my church and parents would kill me
I’d be disowned
They’re already embarrassed of me since my bump is visible now, I’m a boy with a baby bump
The baby is doing great by the way, the doctor says they’re developing perfectly and that I’m healthy
I’ll be 16 weeks tomorrow
I know you Chris, I know you’d never ignore me or this on purpose
So I know something is going on with you
I just hope you’re okay
12:02 am
Chan broke down crying as he read the texts, he felt absolutely horrible. The baby wasn’t even born yet and he’s already managed to fail as a father. He knew Felix wouldn’t be lying about him being the dad for two reasons. Felix is an amazing honest person, and for two, he wouldn’t get anything from pinning it on him.
He curled up in bed, he couldn’t control his sobs, everything was crashing down on him all at once. He got loud enough that Changbin heard, but not loud enough to wake Jisung. He heard the door creak open and did his best to try to stop crying but it didn’t work, his body wasn’t listening to him.
“Hyung? Hyung what happened?” Changbin asked, a very concerned look on his face. Chan doesn’t cry like this, he knew that all too well.
Changbin saw his grip on his phone. He could faintly see text messages and wondered if that’s what set him off. Maybe a family emergency? He grabbed Chan’s hand and pulled the phone away with surprisingly no resistance.
Changbin had a bit of a hard time reading the texts since they were all in English, but he knew enough to get the gist of it. Chan was the other father of Felix's baby. And that’s when he saw how long ago the texts were, and he remembered the look on Chan’s face when Jisung showed him the post.
“Oh hyung…” Changbin crawled into bed with Chan and spooned him, holding him close. The action caused Chan to cry harder.
Not long after, a sleepy and confused Jisung made his way into the room. Though the second he saw Chan’s state he freaked out and ran over, the sleepiness quickly leaving his eyes.
“Channie? Why are you crying?” Jisung asked in a panicked voice, somehow working himself onto the small twin size bed, getting between Chan and the wall.
“Take your time hyung, just keep taking deep breaths okay?” Changbin said, giving Jisung a “wait” look.
Jisung fought back his own emotions, he absolutely hated it when one of his friends was in pain and/or crying, especially when it came to Chan and Changbin. Jisung took Chan’s hands and played with them, an action that actually soothed the oldest.
“I’m a horrible person…” Chan finally mumbled.
“Now don’t say that hyung, you aren’t a horrible person.” Changbin said with a scolding tone.
“I’m a horrible dad”
“You are not a horrible dad either Chan. Horrible dads would immediately have turned their back and pretended that the kid isn’t theirs. You didn’t know, an unfortunate situation, but now you do. And what do you intend to do?”
“Call him, call him and apologize a hundred times and be there for my kid… I’m not going to leave Felix by himself to raise our kid. Even if I have to stay in Korea and can only financially support them, I’m not gonna turn away.” Chan quickly responded to Changbin, looking back at him.
As they spoke, Jisung was figuring it out. When Chan said Felix, he realized pretty fast that his assumption was right.
“Ya, that's the opposite of a horrible dad. As Changbin said, now you know, and now you know your options. And you quickly jumped to take care of them, both of them.” Jisung said with a big pout on his face. “You aren’t a horrible dad or person, you’re just unlucky.”
Changbin glared at Jisung for his last sentence, but the comment actually made Chan laugh.
“It’s almost four in the morning there, so call him tomorrow ok?” Changbin suggested.
“Isn’t Felix finding out the gender tomorrow?” Jisung commented, looking between the two.
Chan hummed and nodded. “I’ll go to sleep now and wake up early tomorrow so I can hopefully catch him before the appointment.”
“Good idea.” Jisung said, crawling off the bed carefully. “You know we’re here for you right? We’ll support you through this, both as family and as co-workers who love you and don’t want our boss to kill you.”
Chan snickered and nodded, wiping his eyes. Changbin was quick to get up and chased Jisung out of the room, in the distance he could hear the two laughing.
DECEMBER 10TH 2021
Channie 🐺
I’m so sorry Lix…
1:54 am
It’ll be okay, he’ll make up for all of it. That’s what he told himself as he drifted off to sleep.
When Chan woke up, it was nine in the morning. He knew it was eleven in Sydney, and he hoped he didn’t miss out on anything. He went to the bathroom and washed his face, which was very much needed after his hysterical crying session the night before. He quickly brushed his teeth before going back into his room.
When he unlocked his phone he saw Felix had responded, a lot. Which was understandable, but it scared him. He remembered what Felix said on his story though, he believed him, but his anxiety was whispering in his ear that Felix was mad and wouldn’t let him around their baby. Still, he sucked up and took a deep breath before opening the messages.
DECEMBER 10TH 2021
Channie 🐺
I’m so sorry Lix…
1:54 am
Lixie🐣💛
Oh my god
Chris?
Is this really you?
Are you okay?
8:42 am
Lixie 🐣💛
I really hope you respond again
Please do
Today out of all days preferably
I’m finding out the gender today
9:02 am
Channie🐺
Im okay
I'm sorry I didn’t see this before
I really didn’t know you texted and called, there were no notifications
I'm going to call you when you respond again ok?
9:14am
Lixie🐣💛
I’m here
I’m here you can call
9:15 am
Seen
Chan let out a shaky breath before he put his headphones in. He decided a regular call would be best instead of FaceTime, it’s too stressful too soon, and his anxiety was already killing him.
He opened up Felixs contact before hitting the call button. His breathing hitched once he heard it start ringing. The second ring didn’t even get to finish before Felix answered the phone.
“Chris?”
Chan’s throat felt like it was closing on him, hearing his voice after so long, after finding out about everything. It took every single ounce of him to not cry.
“I…”
“It’s okay, I get it”
There was no bite in his tone, no hatred or anger. Chan couldn’t do it, he started crying again.
“I’m so sorry Lix, I really honestly didn’t see any of your messages or your calls. I swear if I did I would’ve responded immediately and been there for you. I’m sorry.”
“Chris it’s okay, you’re here now right?”
“Yes, yes I’m here now”
“Then everything’s going to be okay. What happened? How come you didn’t see them? Did something happen?”
Chan took a deep breath, here comes the hard part. Telling him why, something he pushed to the back of his mind. He sighed and got himself to stop crying before he looked up at the ceiling.
“The first couple of days where you figured it out, I was held up in my studio the entire time. My depression kicked in horribly and I wasn’t taking care of myself. September 25th I passed out, Jisung found me and called for an ambulance because well- I didn’t look good… I was dehydrated, a little malnourished, that’s why I missed those calls, and probably the texts after. When the company and people I knew heard about me being in the hospital they blew up my phone. Later, when you called again, I was helping a new band with their album, which caused the amount of calls and texts I got to go up again. It was really unlucky, I’m really sorry…”
“I forgive you Chris, I know you weren’t ignoring me on purpose. Was it- was it us that caused your depression to get worse?”
“… yeah. As much as I hate to say it, I didn’t cope well after leaving. I just- I wanted you so badly Lix, I wanted to be with you and I couldn’t. It’s the fact that I could get sued or worse if people found out, just for me loving someone, and that someone being a boy. It’s why I slowly stopped responding originally, it hurt so much.”
“It hurt for me too, everywhere I turned I was reminded of you. I was doing my best to handle it, I was doing good actually. But then I started throwing up in the mornings and I just- I knew, I didn’t want to admit it but I knew. Carrying the person you loves’ child while you cannot be with them, that’s poetic.”
Chan let out a bitter laugh. Felix couldn’t forget about him, he was carrying his baby. Every day every second was a reminder of Chan leaving him.
“I’m coming back for Christmas and New Years. The company allows us to spend major holidays with our families. That’s the soonest I can come.”
“That’s good enough for me, as long as you’re coming.” Felix giggled before speaking again. “Oh, the baby’s moving. I’m still not used to it, it's so strange.”
Chan smiled and laid down in his bed, listening to the younger explain what it feels like, and how often the baby likes to move around. They’re night owl, which Felix blames Chan for.
“Do you… do you want to see?”
“See as in-“ “-we can video call and I can show you my bump, maybe the ultrasound photos I have so far.”
“Are… are you sure?” Chan’s voice came out pretty anxious. He wanted to say yes so badly, he was scared.
“I’m sure, I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t”
“Okay, y-yes, yes I’d love to”
Chan could hear Felixs giggle at his tone and excitement. One of the things that Chan fell for first was his laugh, it was absolutely precious.
When he saw the video call request, he accepted it. It took a few seconds to load, but then there they were on the screen.
Chan’s hair was a bit of a mess, it was still curly and brushing it was too annoying so he let it be. He was still laying against the bed, and felt shy at the angle of the camera.
Felix was seated on his bed, he could see the tapestry he had hanging above it behind him. The sun was coming in on his left, which lit up half his face more, and he looked stunning. He looked like he was ready to go out, he had light makeup on (Felix may be trans, but he still loves makeup) along with a nice and comfortable hoodie.
Felix smiled shyly once he saw Chan on screen, it had been so long. His inner introvert kicked in a bit, which Chan picked up on immediately. He did his best not to coo, really he did.
“ I’m gonna prop my phone up against a pillow stack I made so it'll be easier to show you.” Felix said as he started to move. He had AirPods in, so the audio wouldn’t be quieter.
Felix had on regular looking skinny jeans, though he figured they were probably maternity pants. His hoodie was oversized, he had sweater paws that almost completely covered his hands. And oh, how did Chan miss that his hair was brown instead of blonde? It made sense, no bleach during pregnancy. But it felt strange seeing his natural color.
The camera was far enough away that he could see Felixs entire body sitting on the bed, but close enough that he could easily see. Felix smiled shyly before moving in a bit closer. He undid his pants and moved them down a little before lifting up his hoodie.
Chan’s breathing once again hitched, it felt like a dream to him. But it wasn’t, that was Felix, the boy he fell in love with over the summer, carrying his child. Fuck.
The bump was a bit smaller than the average 20 week bump, and it dropped a bit. You could tell the bump sat low, it wasn’t perfectly round. Which Chan absolutely loved. Felix's golden skin was stretching well too.
“You won’t be able to see any movement, but the baby is moving right now.” Felix said, placing his hand over the spot and caressing it.
He moved to the side so Chan could see it from the side as well.
“Wow…”
Felix laughed at his reaction, but it was lighthearted. “I know” .
“You said over text that you couldn’t get an abortion, were you thinking about it?”
Felix was a bit hesitant to answer, it was such a shameful topic in his culture. If you even mentioned the word, you were shunned.
“At first, yes. That or give the baby up. I wasn’t ready, I’m still not. I’d be taking care of an entire human being and I haven’t even graduated college yet, which I am working on now. I would have to tell my very religious family and church that I became pregnant out of wedlock. As sinful as it is and that they’d like to hide it, adding abortion onto it- it wasn’t even an option.”
Chan hummed listening intently.
“I’m making a decent amount from my job. Some of it goes to my parents but I know I’ll have enough left over to help you and the baby be stable. I’ll look after you both, even if I can’t be there in person.”
Felix smiled at him and rubbed his bump. He didn’t bother buttoning his jeans back up. Chan didn’t mind, it was probably uncomfortable.
“That’s the reason I fell for you. You have the biggest heart. You don’t have to take care of me though Chris, it’s okay.”
“I want to Felix, I want to take care of both of you.”
“I’m glad you found out, I’m glad you’re here now.” Felix mumbled, looking down at his bump.
Chris recognized the tone though, Felix was sad.
“Baby what’s wrong?” Chan panicked a bit, he didn’t mean for the pet name to slip out. But Felix didn’t comment on it.
“I just- I do wish you could be here. Would they still let you come visit even when they find out about us and the baby?”
“I don’t think Jisung and Changbin will give them a choice. They know, they’re already in defensive mode, ready to shut anyone down.”
Felix laughed softly and relaxed. “Yeah that sounds like them ”
“I have to go, I have a class before the appointment.”
“Oh yes, when is it?”
“At two here, so noon for you.”
“Can we call again? I can’t be there in person but I just- I want to be there when we find out our baby’s gender, and be able to listen in on at least one appointment. I’ll stay muted the entire time.”
“You’d be crazy to think I’d say no to that, especially with the fact that today's appointment is special. I’ll text you before so you’ll be ready”
“Alright, thank you.”
“Bye Chris.”
“Bye Felix. And oh, thank you.”
There was a couple seconds of silence, Felix looking directly at Chans eyes through the phone.
“You don’t have to thank me for this. You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m not gonna keep your child away from you over what happened. ”
Chan got embarrassed and nodded, saying bye again before hanging up.
Everything was going to be okay . They’d be okay.