Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hanahaki is a fictional disease. That's what Shiki knew. It was only written in books. The boy was fond of reading. He did so from time to time, maybe after taking care of the cacti, or whenever he wanted to have a nice change of pace, indulge himself in those nice fantasies.

Fiction was one of his favourites, after all.

Thats why, Shiki didn't believe it the first time he saw the petals on his hands, right after he let out a strangled cough upon Nayuta, his best, no, used-to-be best friend, telling him to disappear.

The words kept echoing in his mind. 'Disappear, disappear, dis..' as he stared at his blood stained hands. Why now? He'd loved Nayuta for so long, even though he surely didn't deserve him. Not after he almost murdered him that time.

Shiki was happy though, wasn't he? After all, Nayuta was alive. It would have been better if they stopped being friends anyway. Better for the purple-haired boy, better for himself, too, no matter how much it would hurt at first.

"Oi," A voice that would have been music to his ears, if it wasn't spoken in that tone. "Didn't you hear me? I said, get out and disappear." That word again, huh. The brunette nodded, taking slow steps backwards. "Nayuta.." "What?" "Nevermind. Sorry..for disturbing you."

And, oh, when Shiki got to the city below, he finds Yohei. Startled, he'd coughed, but before he could whisk his head away, those light blue petals had already escaped his mouth. "Oh...," The boy said breathlessly, trying to cover it up.

"Oi, Shiki...?" His master took a step closer to him, and the blue-eyed boy looked up. "I-I'm, I'm sorry, master," He avoided eye contact, fidgeting with his phantometal. "Don't apologise. Theres nothing to apologise for, Shiki. What's wrong? Why did petals come out of your mouth just now?" "Its- I," Shiki erupted in another cough.

The petals, really, they were beautiful. Blue, and fragile. The flower reminded him of Nayuta. Forget-me-nots, huh? How ironic, because, in fact, Shiki had been forgotten. No matter how much he didn't want to be. It was probably for the better, after all.

Yohei rest his hands on Shiki's shoulders. "What happened, Shiki?" The boy stepped forward, tears welling at his eyes. Resting his head on his master's chest just as they poured out. "I-I don't know, I'm so sorry.. I'm...I thought it was fiction." He choked out.

"My best friend is now a stranger. Maybe he even hates me. He told me to go and disappear. I- I deserve it, don't I? Maybe, if in his place, I'd disappeared instead, he would go on forgetting me as he does right now." Shiki said. "If I had the power to switch places with him, no one would notice that I was gone. He was my only friend, and even then, he forgot me, and would do it all over again, even if I disappeared."

"Master, if, the person I love forgets all about me, and even seems to hate me, is it the right choice to carry on as if he, too, never lived? Is it even..in my right to act as if I wasn't the one who almost murdered him?"

The other's grip on him loosened, and his master stepped back, sighing. "Look, Shiki. I'm not sure exactly what you're going through, nor am I the best with love, considering where I'm coming from." He took a deep breath. "It's not a crime to be selfish. Especially not in love. Loving itself is already such a selfish thing, don't you think? Shiki, whether you care more about the person you love, or yourself. That's something I can't decide for you." The brunette nodded solemnly. "Let's get you back, Shiki."

Upon getting back, Shiki greeted Ryu, and headed straight to the bathroom. Before Ryu saw the petals, and the blood. He washed his hands for what felt like the longest time ever, before he felt the back of his throat itch. Oh, how Shiki didn't want to cough anything up right now. It hurt to. He'd hurt enough, but maybe he deserved it.

After all, was there even fair compensation for an attempted murderer other than death?

Shiki gave in. He let himself cough, let those petals, ever so beautiful yet painful, force their way out of his lungs, and into the running sink. He could hear Ryu outside, shouting something along the lines of "What happened to Shiki?"

Why was he getting faint? So much had happened today, if only he hadn't went to the rooftop to meet Nayuta. Maybe then he'd continue on fine. Black.. blacker. Thats all he could see as he swayed, and fell, collapsing on the cold bathroom floor.

Chapter Text

Is this what love feels like?

Shiki came to conciousness for a while, fading in and out. "...and for Shiki, his love is his poison." Saimon was saying something to Ryu. What did he mean? "..Ryu?" The brunette said softly. "Ah, you're awake." Saimon greeted, looking over him. "Shikiii!!!" Ryu attempted to pounce on him and pull him in for a hug, but Saimon stopped the boy before he could.

"Shiki, are you feeling alright?" Saimon asked, and Shiki nodded. "Yes.. I'm sorry for making everyone worry.." He erupted in coughs again, the petals falling onto his bedsheets. "Shiki?" Ryu looked over them curiously. "Oh, I'm sorry.."

The door opened, and Yohei stepped in. "You okay?" He nodded, in response. "Master, I-" "Shiki, you don't have to be sorry." His master cut in. "Just, if things get to the point where you might... promise us you'll get that surgery."

It had been weeks, huh. Shiki found himself coughing up more and more flowers every day. To the point he'd started coughing up the full flowers, not just petals. He was so weak, more than he already was. Master had told him to stay in bed.

Today it was especially bad. Non-stop coughing fits, and the pain in his throat was already so numb. Had been ever since the first week passed. All he could think about was Nayuta. Even when Ryu came in and tried his best to drag Shiki over to a doctor, to get him the surgery.

He didn't want to stop loving Nayuta. That was his one selfish request. To be allowed to keep having these feelings, no matter how much they hurt.

This was what love felt like, after all. Maybe it hurt more than neccessary, but that was okay. For the one time Shiki wanted to be selfish.

Maybe today was his final day, maybe not. But in case, he had to - crawl out of his bed, and go to his special spot. Nayuta would be there, waiting. But not for Shiki anymore. Waiting for his peace of mind, maybe. Nayuta had always loved the sky's view there.

One, two, steps before he coughed again. They just wouldn't stop. Opening the door, all he could do was run. Run as fast as possible, in case the wind would delay the coughing fit he was about to have. Maybe, seeing that place again would give him peace, as it always did.

When he reached the rooftop, he'd known from the pain that stung his chest that it was a bad idea to run. But he was running out of time anyway. That figure standing next to the wires, all too familiar, all too beautiful.

"Nayu..ta." He breathed, and the figure turned around. "It's you again. Didn't I tell you to disappear last time?" That hurt, so much. But Shiki couldn't help but cry, half in happiness, half in sadness.

"I'm sorry. Maybe I thought you'd somehow remember me. Li-like a miracle would happen. I'm sorry, Nayuta." "Hah?!" Shiki took slow, trembling steps, and slid down next to the chainlink fence.

"Me too. Like you told me last time? Even if you don't remember. Nayuta, I want you to be the last person I see." He coughed out more flowers, picking one up gently. "I know you don't remember. I do, though. All those memories we made here. Nayuta. I, I won't try to force you to remember. A-after all, I don't deserve to be remembered by you."

"Oi, what's the meaning of this? I don't know you at all. Why are you coming here and giving some speech?" Nayuta interrupted, annoyed. "Sorry.. I just thought that, maybe I should end things the way you did. Follow in Nayuta's footsteps." Shiki grabbed onto the fence, trying to help himself up before another coughing fit came to him.

"B..before I.." Shiki took a deep breath. "After all, I...I've loved...Nayuta ever since.." His hand rested on the cold floor of the rooftop, and Nayuta.. was probably so confused.

"You don't...remember me, right? I...I'm sorry I was so useless. I'm really sorry that I.. never reached for your hand. B-but, if I could be selfish, I...I want Nayuta to not forget me again. Even if we've talked twice in this remade version of your life."

"Tell Ryu, owner, and master that I really enjoyed my time in TCW. That... I found a reason to live, all over again."

He couldn't breathe much anymore. He kept gasping for air. Nayuta's voice was fading in and out, because he was still so kind, Nayuta.

"But my happiest memories were made with you. Nayuta, whenever you see a Forget-Me-Not, I want to be selfish and... ask you to think of me."

"Please, don't forget me... I...love...you, Nayuta. I'm..sorry."

"Hey?! Oi!! Don't close your eyes!"

The real Nayuta, someone Shiki wasn't able to see before his death. Who returned too late to save his best friend. Learning of Shiki's death, all he could think was, "This can't be possible." Sitting on that rooftop, reminiscing. When his throat itched, and he coughed.

In his palm was a singular petal of a sunflower.