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Getting into the Hope was easy enough. She’s always been a good liar. Growing up, Myles would use her to talk the ear off any shopkeep while he would steal. She’d do it too, always practicing her pick pocket skills, telling a story about a dog she never had or maybe how lonely she’d been at night. She lied in college to get through essays and tests. She was always out too late with Myles, she ran out of money before seeing if she would get caught or graduate and be another cog.
Welles made it easy, and being scared and lost made it easy to convince the UDL employees that she was scared and lost but meant to be there. She supposed it wasn’t a lie, this is where she was meant to be. She brought along Max, who’s lead she followed. He might’ve hated the Board but he knew how to belong with those types. As they snuck around, She kept trying to find clues as to what happened.
Felix was with them, he would’ve came even if she said no. She was glad she didn’t, they ate people here. The Board left the crew to die, and she was afraid to not find Myles. More afraid to find him half eaten, she tried to shake the imagine of his rotten corpse out of her mind. He was able to tether her back to the mission at hand.
She kept reading, Dr. Welles listed the names of his failed experiments. Myles wasn’t one of them, but she didn’t know how to find him. She was running out of time, someone would find them. She patched ADA through, and prepared for the skip.
“If we do die here after all, it’s been a pleasure,” Felix said.
“It really has,” Max smiled back at them both.
She loved them both, Max was a real friend. She was going to miss their late night discussions, the books he lent her. She remembered wanting to impress Felix and how he teased her before giving her his book on tossball.
She gave Felix a tender kiss, a kiss she didn’t know she had in her. They held hands, gripping tight like it would somehow save themselves.
Somehow they made it, right above terra 2. She felt like throwing up, Felix must’ve noticed because he rubbed the small of her back.
“Told you.” He whispered into her hair.
She didn’t move, she stared at the computer terminal.
“ADA, is there a way to find a manifest or something? A status update or maybe just if a pod is empty?”
The AI was silent for a moment, “I’ve located a ship manifest, it’s also able to tell me life support status. If that’s what you’re looking for, Captain.”
Felix frowned, she didn’t want to do this in front of him but she needed to know.
“Is there a Myles Takemura listed?”
“Yes. Life support systems seem functional.”
She let out a sigh. She been holding her breath since she landed it seemed. Myles face appeared in her mind, not frozen in a pod, but on Earth. They were kids and they just met, their moms sharing a hit while they watched cartoons. Myles peering over her, Myles giving her a ring. Myles, taking off for years then coming back to take her to space.
She thought of Felix, the conversations they might have, or never will. She should’ve stayed on Earth, she was glad she was stupid enough to believe Myles loved her. But he did, didn’t he?
“I’m coming for you, amor.” She froze, it was barely a whisper. She didn’t think people spoke Spanish here, Max certainly didn’t when she tried to translate his book using it. Felix didn’t seem to notice, he just squeezed her hand.
“Let’s get out of here. Before anyone notices the giant ass ship that wasn’t here before.”
She felt the color drain from her face, she didn’t know why she said it. She was in love with Felix. Myles never loved her, even when they were together. She could shoot herself right there, she convinced herself the relationship was ruined and she would go back to being alone. She did this for him, even if she didn’t want to admit it.
Mara and Felix remained silent on the way back. They flew to Monarch to hide out, wait for more instructions. Since they admitted their feelings, Felix always stayed with her in her cabin. She dreaded being alone, or worse, laying next to him for another night.
“So, how’s it feel? The possibility of getting your friend back?”
His face was so kind, she searched his face for a hint of anger. She didn’t want to do this, she wanted to commit his face to memory. He wasn’t going to look at her like this again.
“Felix, I haven’t been completely honest with you.” She almost laughed at herself, “Again.”
They sat down on their bed, her bed. Felix held her hands in his, she focus on their warmth. She remembered when they went to see Clyde, she wasn’t fast enough, he got shot.
She didn’t know it, and he didn’t know it, but they were about to confess they’re love then and there.
Thinking of that moment, it was hard for her to continue. She wanted to marry him, do it properly this time. Her marriage to Myles was because no one else was there, she felt she’d get to choose Felix. Not like it matters anymore, after all.
“Myles is a friend, but he’s also…my ex husband. We got married, like what? 18, barely? After two years, he disappeared. Just left in the middle of the night. So I figure he’s dead, or my mother was right after all and he just wasn’t man enough. So I lived my life, for about 4 years. Then he comes back, says he got us on a colony ship. Like the ones they kept advertising, a new life for us.”
She paused, for once his face was like stone. Her hands shook in his, he didn’t let go but he didn’t hold any tighter.
“Says we’re gonna be rich finally, that all he been doing is grinding. Getting us off that god awful planet, doing it all for us, he says. I was a cashier, he got a friend who’s a bounty hunter. Says he’s been doing that and other jobs so we could do the same with more scores. I had no one in my life, he made me feel like I only had him for years. So I went.”
Still silence from Felix, his grip loosening.
“So yeah, I want to save the colony. I want to save all those people, but it was for him. It was always for him.”
“Do you love him?” he didn’t look at her.
“I don’t think he ever loved me, not really.”
“Not what I asked.”
“I think so, I felt guilty. Falling for you, like I didn’t have someone waiting for me. He’s all I ever known. I didn’t choose this. We weren’t good married, at least I don’t think we were.”
She couldn’t stop herself from trembling, tears welling in eyes. She lied, she wasn’t any better than Harlow or Graham. Felix still refused to meet her eyes.
“I have to think.”
“Felix, please don’t misunderstand me. You’re who I want, I just, didn’t expect to feel this way with him, and I’m sorry. I didn’t even expect him to stick around on this colony anyway. It was just so emotional, I thought he was like eaten or turned to goo.”
“Good night, Mara. I know what you said, you said it to me many times. I have to think about this, I’m sorry.”
”I’m sorry I never tell you anything, if I come off as someone I’m really not.”
She did love Myles, but if she saw him now? The feelings she had with Myles, compared to the ones with Felix? Myles married her because they thought they loved each other, because they always had each other. She didn’t divorce him, she listed him as dead. Got a life insurance payout, meager as it was. Made him proud when he heard about it, his Mara always took care of herself. Until she let Felix in.
Felix sat alone in his cabin, he still had his things in there, in process of moving it all. He felt close to crying, he didn’t think he even cried when Clyde died. He thought about that picture, he wondered if that was their wedding photo. The colony had a different idea of marriage than Earth did. She asked him once, now he considered if she meant to renew a marriage contract with this other man.
He wanted to marry her, he never thought about signing a contract before. She said marriage was more of a lifetime thing, not something to renew every few years or so. He liked that idea, being worthy enough to be with her until they were old and grey. Their lifestyle, their mission, didn’t guarantee such a thing. He wanted to believe it, that after the revolution they’d have a peaceful life.
He started thinking if they were even in love after all. She was wrong, he knew everything about her. Knew who she was, he hoped she was able to tell him anything. He was wrong, evidently.
Felix was a Back Bays rat, he meant nothing. She said she loves him, but he was convinced it was going to change once Welles unfreezes her husband. Ex-husband, so she says. He did put her on a pedestal, he was stupid for it. She called him amor when she thought he was sleeping. Always with a kiss, she didn’t speak Spanish much, but he wanted to learn. He wanted a little bit of Earth to stay with her.
He laid his head to rest, fighting the image of the love of his life kissing someone else. Felix let the tears flow, he was always going to be less than. He felt stupid for thinking anything different, he was angry at her for making him think he was worth it