Chapter Text
Jaechan fumbles for his phone after getting inside the studio. After an exhausting dance practice the whole day, he decided he'll take it up a notch and do an Instagram live to end the night, just a little surprise for their group's fans.
After starring as Sangwoo, their group really did a 360 degree turn in the idol industry. Who knew that all it takes for Dongkiz' fame to skyrocket is for Jaechan to kiss a man who’s eight years older and 13cm taller than him? It's not like Jaechan is complaining at all; he would take that any day, and if by chance he had to redo that all over again, he knows he would do it in a heartbeat, without a doubt.
It has been eighteen months since the last episode of Semantic Error was released, it has been eighteen months since Seoham enlisted in the military.
In his lifetime, Jaechan was always sure on what he wants, what he doesn’t like and what he needs . But in the last eighteen months, he knows something is missing, and he’s not really sure what it is.
Regardless, he keeps a stash of hoodies and cardigans that Seoham left before he went away.
(“I’m taking these,” Jaechan announced without looking at Seoham, “and these too.”
Seoham chuckled fondly, but still, he can’t believe that the younger boy is as if trying to bag half of his closet, “Come on Jaechannie, I won’t have anything to wear by the time I come back from the military.”
Jaechan’s face dropped, and that prompted Seoham to surrender, “I’m just kidding, go take it all. You know what? Let me go get a box for you.”
“You’re the best, hyung,” Jaechan’s face immediately lit up with the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen and Seoham almost died.)
He is about to change his clothes for the live when he notices that the stashed hoodies were a little bit out of place, Jaechan stomps out of the mini studio with his eyebrows narrowed in nuisance, “Kyoungyoon-hyung,” he calls out to the current oldest member of DKZ, “did you take one of the hoodies again?”
“No?” Kyoungyoon says innocently while munching on some snacks. “Must’ve been Jonghyeong.”
Jonghyeong, the youngest in the group immediately stands up to defend himself, “Ha, Hyung, you can drag me into whatever you want, but not when it comes to Jaechan-hyung’s hoodies,” he uses his fingers to emphasize the word ‘hoodies’ “I don’t want to get murdered,” Jonghyeong jokes while pouting.
Kyoungyoon chuckles as he can’t contain his member’s cuteness and eventually gives up, “I just borrowed one because I went out and I left my own in our manager’s car,” Kyoungyoon explains while rubbing his two hands to plead for his life.
If looks could kill, he would’ve been buried right now just by how menacing Jaechan looks at the moment. Jaechan is one hell of a cutie, but he sure can be very protective to particular people—or things in his life.
Jaechan does nothing but squint his eyes and shoot looks of daggers into Kyoungyoon, “Come on, it’s just a hoodie, can you just let it slip again, our Jaechan-ah?” Kyoungyoon appeals to him trying to be cute, but to no effect, Jaechan just scoffs.
“It’s not just a hoodie, it’s— nevermind, just don’t do it again,” Jaechan says with finality only for Jonghyeong to add fuel to the fire.
Jonghyeong smiles wickedly, “So, if it belongs to Seoham-sunbae, it becomes ‘not just a hoodie?” he wiggles his eyebrows at Jaechan, while Kyoungyoon—who hasn’t learned his lesson—makes a teasing noise, “yieee”
Jaechan’s eyes widen for a bit and the two are both rewarded with Jaechan’s cheeks slowly tinting in pink, so he turns away to go back in the mini studio and do his live that he was supposed to do 30 minutes ago if it weren’t for his two dork members.
“Jaechan is love sick!” “We are the lovesick girls!” He hears Kyoungyoon and Jonghyeong beyond the closed studio door, giggling as they sing BLACKPINK’s Lovesick Girls.
Lovesick? What does that even mean?
Jaechan hasn’t even said a word when the viewers and the comment section went wild, viewers’ numbers going up in a matter of seconds and hundreds of comments popping was something straight out of his wildest dreams. “Hello hello,” he greets the fans fondly, “Let’s answer some questions for tonight!”
@jaechan_ism
How’s the comeback going?
“Stay tuned for our comeback updates, and thank you so much for supporting DKZ,” Jaechan answers, careful not to spoil anything regarding their group’s upcoming comeback, he continues to read incoming comments expressing their love for him but he can’t keep up to the speed of comments popping up his screen.
@dkzsolmunik
What’s your favorite song at the moment?
Jaechan thinks hard, rummaging his mind into what song he’s into right now, “I’ve been really into I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys right now, so yeah it’s a great song, you guys should give it a try,” he goes on.
@dkzsolmunik
OMYGOD? DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE IN MIND WHILE YOU LISTEN TO THAT SONG?
The comment section once again gone roaring of their speculations onto whoever he thinks about while listening to the song he just mentioned. Jaechan tries to hide his face subtly in the hood of the jacket he’s wearing. He shyly giggles, “You guys, it’s just a song I’m really into right now,” he convinces not just his fans, but also himself.
He totally doesn’t think of anyone while listening to the lyrics “… secrets I have held in my heart are harder to hide than I thought, maybe I just wanna be yours.” or does he?
Jaechan scoffs, trying to suppress his smile at the thought.
@Kyoungyoonie13
Is that your own hoodie you’re wearing right now? hahahaha
Jaechan purses his lips as he reads the question. Oh crap, he totally forgot to change into his own clothes. Wearing those hoodies is like a routine to him now, his closet probably consists of Seoham’s hoodies that he calls them his own now.
“Oh... This?” Jaechan touches the hoodie he’s wearing, “I’m planning to give this back, soon,” he swears like he did back then, saying he’s going to give those back, “but for the meantime, I’ll wear it for now.” He grins with a wink as if it’s in his highest pride to own those pieces of clothing.
He continues to read the rolling numbers of comments that’s popping into his screen, until one comment shakes the hell out of his system.
@parkseoham ✔
You don’t have to bring it back, it was only ever yours to keep anyway.
Fans watch Jaechan’s face fall into a shocked look, mouth wide open, eyes glimmering in phone light. As they enjoyed every damn second of it, Jaechan on the other hand, completely forgets he’s currently on live.
“Hyung,” he finally says, bliss evident in his voice, like a child who waited all day for his treats, “You’re back? Oh god, he’s finally back.”
With that, the comment section falls into shambles.
Comment section? Crumbled. Fans? A fucking mess. Jaechan? A simp.
@munikbabie
lmaooo he forgot about us already HAHSHASHAHSHAHSHAHAHH
@missingwondae33
Welcome back, Seoham!!
@jaechaned29
Jaechan calm down he’s not going anywhere
Jaechan couldn’t obviously calm down as he hastily searches for his bag beside him before getting up from his seat and getting his phone, which is still on live.
He can be seen going out of the mini-studio in a hurry with his phone in his hand in front of his chest, so fans can still clearly see him from a below angle showing his neck above.
“You’re done already?” fans hear Kyoungyoon asks from where he is.
“I need a car,” Jaechan requests, ignoring Kyoungyoon’s question.
Kyoungyoon clicks his tongue and squints his eyes in disbelief, “Jaechan-ah, we both know you can’t drive for shit.”
Realization dawns at him, “…right,” Jaechan nods as if he only realized now that he failed his driving lessons the same way spongebob did in his lifetime.
He thinks for a second, “I’ll just take a cab,” he says with utmost conviction without even seeking if Kyoungyoon will agree.
Jaechan bids his goodbye to his fans the moment he remembers that he’s still on live, “Sorry, I have to go right now, thank you so much for tuning in! Love you all, Aris!” he probably owes them so much of an explanation after tonight, but who cares about tomorrow? To Jaechan, what matters the most is now .
“At least tell me where you’re going!” He hears Kyoungyoon’s shout from afar as he jogs out of their dance room, he decides to ignore him, adding Kyoungyoon to the list of people he owes an explanation to.
He goes out in the cold, his light feet not knowing where to go but at the same time knowing exactly where to go.
Jaechan is calculated, calm and composed most of the time, but surely this moment is an exception as he frantically calls for a cab.
“Where to?” the driver calls out to him.
Jaechan goes blank for a moment. Shit. He almost cursed himself for not knowing the name of his place.
“Just… drive. I’ll tell you where.”
Jaechan inhales deeply to keep his heart at pace, he then presses the doorbell twice only for his heart to start beating faster than its normal pace again.
Uneasiness settles on him every second that passes that the door isn’t opening.
Is Seoham really home? He wasn’t hallucinating when he saw his comment right? What if it wasn’t Seoham who commented? What if it’s just a fan account and he was just too stupid to notice? Why did he come rushing here?
The door in front of him swung open, “Jaechan.”
It’s just his name; how could someone say his name so beautifully?
Seoham’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts, he looks up and there he sees Seoham leaning on the door frame, “Hyung.”
He doesn’t wait nor does he hesitate, Jaechan surrenders, and pulls Seoham into the tightest embrace he didn’t know he was even capable of doing. He feels Seoham melting into him, and he almost sobs.
Jaechan didn’t know what he was waiting for in the last 18 months.
But he does now. He waited for him .
He isn’t stupid to not know that this is what he wants, he’s just too in denial. But seeing Seoham in front of him after long, tiring months, was his last straw.
Who am I kidding? This is what I need.
“Jaechan-ah, I didn’t expect that you’d come running here,” Seoham breaks the silence after a minute of indulging into the hug they shared, to which Jaechan isn’t satisfied yet.
He is forced to let go of Seoham to meet his eyes, “What are you saying? I was just passing by and decided to stop by here because I heard you’re back.” Jaechan’s lips forming into a pout, a sign that he just told a lie.
Seoham stops the smile that is forming in his lips, thinking he can’t be swayed by a mere pout.
He lets go of Jaechan, and crosses his arms in his chest, eyes squinting on him, “For real? Because I just saw someone who completely forgets he’s on live when he saw my comment earlier,” he says pretending he’s thinking.
“I just dropped by, I’ll leave anyways,” Jaechan pursed his lips, “You go catch some rest, I’ll see ‘ya.” He smiles at him, but Seoham can clearly see through him wanting to stay a little longer. Yet, he turns his heel attempting to leave but Seoham grabs his forearm, stopping him from fleeing.
“Jaechan-ah.”
“Hmm?” Jaechan asks, confused.
“Stay,” Seoham pulls him closer by the hand, “Please?”
One thing Jaechan learns tonight is that he can’t say no to Seoham, not with those eyes. Not with the way he persuades him. And Jaechan isn’t going to fight himself with that.
That’s why they ended up spending the night at Seoham’s couch, crossed legs, facing each other.
“You’re going to pierce a hole in my face with that look, Jaechan-ah,” Seoham mutters when he sees Jaechan looking at him carefully.
Jaechan takes his eyes off him and tries to play with his hands. Was he staring too much? “I think you lost some weight.”
“Did I?” Seoham asks as he scans his body, “I kind of hoped I gained muscles of some sort since we did extreme activities every day.”
Jaechan huffs, both of his hands reaching for Seoham’s face, “You’re not gonna gain anything if you weren’t eating well.”
Seoham goes haywire and isn't able to comprehend what Jaechan just said as he does nothing but bathe in the feeling of his touch.
“Hey,” Jaechan calls out to Seoham when he doesn't receive a response from the older man.
“Hmm?”
“Were you taking care of yourself back there?” He infers as he withdraws his hands from Seoham’s cheeks to which Seoham seems a bit disappointed. Jaechan wants to laugh but he keeps it to himself.
“Of course, what do you take me for?” Seoham replies.
He stares at Seoham as he raises his eyebrows, trying to manipulate him into saying the truth.
When Jaechan says nothing, Seoham chuckles in defeat, “Seriously, I did my best to cater for myself back there. Were you worried about me?”
“Everyone was worried about you.”
“Okay, but were you worried about me?”
Jaechan’s breath hitches, to him it was such a dumb question. He remembers staying up that night when Seoham left, counting the months when he’ll ever see him again. He recalls the times when Seoham would randomly like his Instagram posts, and he would feel utmost relief knowing that he’s okay. He remembers the nights when he can’t do anything but whisper in his prayers begging to keep him safe.
“Of course, I was.” is all Jaechan could say.
“Then, that’s all that matters to me.”
A genuine smile escapes Jaechan’s lips before he could stop it as he punches Seoham’s chest weakly to acknowledge what the latter said.
His heart feels so full and fluttery at the moment that he starts fighting the urge to ask Seoham that question.
What are we?
Jaechan can’t pinpoint the exact time when he started asking that question to himself, it was most probably during the filming. At first, it was only himself that he asked, but now he knows to his core that it wouldn’t suffice. He wants to ask him so bad. After all, are friends supposed to act like this?
After a moment of quiet conversations, soft laughter, and exchanging jokes only they could understand in a room where the moonlight is the only source of light, Jaechan notices that Seoham is fighting the urge not to yawn.
“Hyung, you should rest.”
Seoham hums, “Yep, I think I do.” He adds before laying his head down on the other boy’s lap.
Jaechan sits properly in order to accommodate Seoham’s weight on his lap.
“Jaechan-ah, what were you up to in the last 2 years I was away?”
He thinks for a moment, recollecting his thoughts, “Mostly work, our group got pretty famous,” he lets out a chuckle, “...and our series too. It was even aired on national TV.”
Seoham smiles at him, “Yeah, I heard that.”
“I had to do countless interviews, and attend events alone,” Jaechan recalls, a faint disappointment evident in his voice to which Seoham notices, “When I could’ve done those with you.”
“I’m sorry, Jaechannie.”
Jaechan snaps out of his sappy thoughts, he really had his senior apologizing to him. He huffs out a quiet laugh, “You don’t have to be sorry, silly.”
“Well, you looked sad. Were you lonely?” Seoham asks carefully.
Jaechan narrows his eyes, pretending to think hard, “I was.”
“Was? So, you’re no longer lonely?”
Jaechan looks down at him, only for Seoham to catch his eye without the intention of letting his gaze go. Not that Jaechan wants to let go either, he doesn’t want to look at anything else, now that he’s here.
Are friends supposed to look at each other like this?
He strokes Seoham’s dark hair, and with a smile he says, “Not anymore.”
When neither of them says anything but settle in the comfortable silence they shared, Jaechan decides to let his hyung rest, “It’s getting late, I should go back to our dorm.”
“Are there still cabs available? You know you could stay the night,” Seoham proposes, a tempting one.
If Jaechan is being selfish, he would not leave this place any time soon. If he’s being selfish, he would not think twice to stay. But he has commitments for tomorrow’s schedule, and he has a group to tend to and he can’t be only thinking of himself.
So, he doesn’t.
Maybe next time, when he can allow himself to be selfish.
Is being friends supposed to feel like this?
“I’ll just book a cab. Go to sleep, I’ll leave once you fall asleep,” He assures Seoham.
Seoham sighs in defeat, “Alright then. Take care on the way home, goodnight Jaechan.”
“Goodnight, hyung.”
Moments where silence has reigned passed, and Jaechan is contemplating whether to get up from his seat since he thinks Seoham is already asleep on his lap. He keeps bantering with his thoughts thinking he should stay for 5 more minutes. The said minutes will pass and he’ll say to himself to stay for another 5 and the cycle goes on.
It has been 30 minutes of Jaechan fighting himself when Seoham suddenly speaks, and his heart almost jumps out.
“Jaechan-ah,” Seoham calls out to him, with his eyes shut closed.
“What is it?”
It took Seoham a brief moment to continue as if he’s weighing the words that will come out from his lips.
“Did you miss me?” he finally speaks, voice so low it’s almost a whisper.
Jaechan stills at the question. He looks down at Seoham whose eyes are still closed but he knows he’s eagerly waiting for an answer. Jaechan fights the sudden urge to caress his face.
Oh god, he wants to touch him.
He doesn’t though. Instead, Jaechan just sighs and lays his head back on the couch, “You have no idea how much I did.”
He doesn't look down at Seoham’s face again, but he somehow feels that a smile is plastered on his face.
Maybe he’ll stay for another hour.
As Jaechan and Seoham welcomes each other that night, 3 things trended on Twitter:
#SuamChanIsReal
Welcome back Seoham
Jaechan can’t drive for shit
Kyoungyoon is walking towards Jaechan with a wicked grin on his face. He just went into the studio for their photoshoot for today, and he almost didn’t make it in time. He had to ride another car because the other members left on time.
“What’s up loverboy?” Kyoungyoon says just after the stylist finishes styling his suit for the photoshoot.
Jaechan almost wants to hit him with the belt he’s holding, “Shut up.” That only earns a laugh from Kyoungyoon. He knows he’s going to face all of these teasing later after coming home at 6 in the morning.
“Jaechan-hyung~!” He hears Jonghyeong coming at him whining, “Why didn’t you come home last night?” he adds while pouting.
Jaechan can’t help the smile as he pats Jonghyeong’s head, “Shh, I’ll tell you later.” He remembers he has a lot of people he owes an explanation to and he wants to just run away from it but he can’t really do that to his members. Can he? But what would he really explain to them?
I ran away from my live session last night because I saw Park Seoham and I just couldn't wait any longer to see him and I wasn’t able to come home because seeing him sleeping on my lap made me extremely happy and I am an idiot who can’t figure my shit out.
He shakes the notion out of his head. Now that he’s given it a thought, he can’t wrap his mind on how he will avoid explaining himself to everyone, because first of all, there was almost nothing to explain at all. Second, explaining would require thinking, and thinking would require analyzation, and analyzing would make him realize that again, there was almost nothing to explain at all.
Jaechan is pulled out of his thoughts when he sees the interviewer coming at them. She first goes to Kyoungyoon, and asks how the comeback is going without the two members–Wondae and Munik around “Let’s all hope for Wondae-hyung’s speedy recovery, and as for Munik, he’ll be back soon! Please wait for him!” Kyoungyoon answers safely.
The interviewer then proceeds to Jonghyeong, asking random questions and questions about the group, and Jonghyeong wings it just fine. Jaechan feels a little relief, so it’s just the questions about the group, right?
Jaechan displays a smile when the interviewer approaches him. “Hello.”
Please don’t ask anything about last night
She smiles at Jaechan, “Let’s start with the first question.”
“Sure.”
Please don’t
“Fans have been so curious about this,” She starts and Jaechan feels a bead of sweat trickling down the side of his face.
Please
“When you left your live sesh last night, where did you go?”
Oh god.
That was one hell of a straightforward question.
He eyes Kyoungyoon and Jonghyeong at the back to ask for help only to find them snickering laughs. He can see them mouthing “ you’re on your own now!”
Jaechan swallows. Hard.
His first instinct is to lie like how most celebrities do, but he can’t bring himself to lie to their fans. And now he’s fighting with himself again , he really is his life’s own protagonist and antagonist.
Lie and get away with this or tell the truth at the expense of his and Seoham’s relationship?
What relationship?
Nonetheless, he came up with one answer.
“Uhh, home,” he says hesitantly paired with a shaky laugh making his answer not heard very well.
“Could you repeat please?”
He clears his throat, “Home. I went home. ”
The interviewer doesn’t pry further, to which Jaechan is so grateful. He loosens his tie a little as he sighs in relief. Well, what he said is technically not a lie.
Seoham finds themselves sprawled on his couch at his apartment, he has his legs resting on top of Jaechan’s lap, his head laying on the arm rest, both of them basking in the comfortable silence. Jaechan surprisingly came to his place after being busy for a week. Since it’s the peak of their group’s schedule, he thought he’s not going to see him for another week or so, but here they are.
He thought they’re gonna chill for the night or catch up some more since he was too tired that night and he ended up sleeping, but Jaechan has been weirdly silent since he came and Seoham is concerned. He keeps on eyeing Jaechan but the young boy’s gaze is stuck on the ceiling lost in his own thoughts.
He knows Jaechan could be silent at times, but he’s quite sure something’s up with the pretty little head of his.
For the 3rd time in the past hour, he hears Jaechan’s phone ring again, “Jaechan-ah, I think you should take that. Or should I? I can just say that you’re here and you’re asleep.”
Jaechan smiles and it looks sad, almost. “Nah, I got it.” He picks up his phone without getting up from his seat, “Hello? Yoon-hyung.”
Seoham can’t hear the voice from the other line but he knows that Kyoungyoon was the one who called.
“I’m sorry…. I’ll be back later I promise…. Don’t worry…. Thank you, hyung.” is all Seoham can hear before he sees Jaechan dropping the call.
Now Seoham is extremely bothered, he gets up from the arm rest, legs still on Jaechan’s lap, “Hey, I don’t really want to pry, but is everything alright?”
Jaechan finally looks at him, emotions in his eyes he can’t decipher, “I’m just probably tired.”
He’s a bad liar. Seoham levels his face to Jaechan, “I’ve seen you exhausted numerous times, and none of those was the same as you being tired right now. Look, you don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable, alright? Just know that if you need someone, you just have to say my name.”
Jaechan looks at him for what feels like eternity, sharing emotions through gazes only they could understand.
“Hyung,” Jaechan mumbles, head lolling to the side tiredly, he finds it adorable. He scooches closer to Jaechan, feeling the need to comfort him.
“I’m here.” Seoham replies under his breath.
“Have you ever felt going on so fast in your life, making progress and everything and then suddenly you just feel… stuck,” Jaechan starts, focusing on tracing circles on Seoham’s legs covered in sweatpants.
“All my life, I never did anything alone. There are constantly four people behind my back in everything I do.” Jaechan continues referring to his 4 members, “And suddenly, I have to live without the other two right now, and it’s frustrating and painful, and I feel so lost.”
Seoham nods, silently encouraging him. All he knows is that Wondae, the leader of the group, and Munik are on indefinite hiatus due to injury and health issues. It must’ve been hard for Jaechan–being one of the youngest– to function in an incomplete group.
“I ask myself, why does it have to be now? When everything we’ve hoped for over the last 2 years is finally happening. There were too many dreams shared, and now there’s too many victories to share but too few people to share it with.” Jaechan gulps, trying to steady his trembling hands.
Seoham does it for him as he reaches for Jaechan’s hands, interlacing them with his in an attempt to comfort the latter. He squeezes his hands, as if saying it's okay, let it out.
With teary eyes, Jaechan looks at him, “And it pains me, I feel like I’m the only one who feels this. Why does Kyoungyoon-hyung and Jonghyeong doesn’t feel this way? Why am I the only one who keeps on feeling stuck? Why am I the only one wondering where our group is headed? Why am I the only one worrying if they’ll ever come back? I miss Wondae-hyung and Munik so much, it breaks me.”
With his free hand, Seoham wipes the countless tears that escaped Jaechan’s eyes, shushing him to comfort.
“I’m sorry. I just feel… incomplete.” Jaechan admits.
He purses his lips, “Do you mind if I say something?”
Jaechan sniffs before answering, “Not at all.”
He holds Jaechan’s hands a little tighter, “Jaechan, being stuck isn’t a negative thing, and being stuck does not make you any less of a person. It is important for us to sometimes pause, stop or be stuck . It gives us room to breathe when everything else is just too much.”
Jaechan listens to him intently, occasionally nodding as he absorbs Seoham’s words.
“What’s not okay is choosing to not do anything to get out of the situation. You hear me?” He wipes the tear-streaks from Jaechan’s face as the younger boy nods in agreement.
“I’m sure and I know you know that Wondae and Munik would want you to keep going. So you know what to do, you take one step forward at a time. Jaechan-ah, no one’s pressuring you, you can keep your own pace as long as you keep moving forward, and one day you’re gonna look back and say you’ve gone a long way. You gotta make them proud.”
He cups Jaechan’s face, “And don’t you think the reason why Kyoungyoon and Jonghyeong look strong and unbothered is because they have to? What choice do they have when each of you is leaning on each other for strength? Especially Kyoungyoon since he’s the oldest, he probably thinks he should take care of the group right now. To him, there’s no room for weakness, but that doesn’t mean he’s not frustrated or lost or even in pain.”
That is the last straw for Jaechan as he starts sobbing uncontrollably in Seoham’s arms. He can feel Jaechan’s grip tightening on his arm as he weeps and all Seoham can do is catch him and trace comforting shapes on his back as Jaechan holds on to him for dear life, “Let it out, it’s gonna be okay.”
“I’m so selfish,” Jaechan utters in between sobs.
“Shh, you’re not. Allowing yourself to feel is not a selfish act.”
That night, Jaechan realizes that there will be times where he will feel lost, there will be instances where he will feel incomplete, but there will never come a time where he will be alone. That night, as he cries his heart out in Seoham’s arms, he knows he sought shelter. In those comforting eyes, he found a home.
“See ‘ya.” Seoham waves his hands when Jaechan gets out of the car in front of their dorm.
Jaechan who’s mentally and physically tired, and dozing off as he walks through the door, waves back at him. It’s stupidly adorable.
He sees Jonghyeong beyond the door welcoming Jaechan, and he takes it as a signal to drive back home now.
1 new text message
From: Jaechannie
Thank you, hyung. For making me feel heard.
Send to: Jaechannie
Anytime.
Jaechan’s day off had already been planned since he woke up in the morning. He’s going to his mother’s house and spend the entire day there, go back to their dorm at night, finish the song he’s been writing for weeks and probably call Seoham before he goes to bed.
The entire schedule that he made in his mind is ruined, as their manager fetches him saying he has to attend some meeting, alone. Jaechan doesn’t give too much thought about it, he thinks it’s probably another magazine feature or an individual interview.
“Take care, hyung!” Jonghyeong shouts as he is about to leave their dorm.
“You enjoy your day off, Jonghyeong-ah. Oh, and tell Kyoungyoon-hyung that I’ll come home later so don’t sleep on my bed.”
As if on cue, Kyoungyoon gets out of the bathroom, rubbing his wet hair with a towel, “I get it, go leave now, the manager’s been waiting for an hour.”
He chuckles, “Alright, bye.”
Jaechan sees a familiar figure sitting beside a vacant chair as he has just entered the conference room. He wonders in silence what is he doing here?
The man turns to look in his direction with a smile so wide it lit up the whole room, Jaechan’s heart skips a beat.
“Jaechan-ah! Sit beside me.” Seoham invites as he taps the empty seat beside him. Jaechan obliges without second thoughts, he sits down and their knees touched. He smiles at the small intimacy.
“Hyung, why are you here?” He whispers at Seoham.
Seoham whispers back, mocking him, “I literally have no idea.”
Jaechan softly laughs at the act and Seoham giggles back, earning them some teasing looks from the people inside the room.
After a moment, the meeting starts and it turns out that they were both called on to work on a new project since Seoham came back already from military service.
“I hope both of you gain again the closeness you shared back then when you were filming for Semantic Error,” the director says.
Jaechan blinks. Once. Twice.
Gain again what? Jaechan wants to laugh.
He notices Seoham holding back a laugh too so he nudges him weakly.
The assistant director whispers something in the director’s ear, making the director say “Oh.” silently as she nods slowly.
The director clears her throat, “So.. you two are together huh?” she says in the most teasing voice he has ever heard. Jaechan purses his lips, he could feel his ears warming up. He can’t believe he’s being teased by the higher ups in the industry right now.
A cocky smile materializes on Seoham’s face as he does nothing but dwell on the teasing as if he likes it so much.
“Say something,” Jaechan mumbles silently to Seoham as he subtly tries to hide his face with his hands.
“What should I say?” Seoham retorts, looking totally clueless.
“I don’t know? Deny it, perhaps?”
Seoham sighs, he whispers into Jaechan’s ears, “But I don’t want to.”
“Why?” he faces him.
A smirk pops on Seoham’s lips, “Just because.”
Jaechan locks eyes with Seoham for what feels like forever and he feels something explodes from the pits of his core, and that’s the story on how Park Jaechan realizes that he is indeed, fucked up.
Oh god, I’m fucked up.
It's almost 6pm when Seoham and Jaechan exit the building side by side after hours of conceptualizing for their future work.
“Are you going home already?” Seoham asks with his hands in his pocket as they are about to go to their respective cars.
Jaechan shakes his head, “Not yet, I’m going to my mom’s. I promised her I’ll see her today.” His phone rings right on cue, “Hello ma?... Yes I’m on my way… I’m really going don’t worry.”
Seoham cocks his head towards him, “Is that your mom? Tell her I said hi!” he says enthusiastically, making Jaechan chuckle a little.
“Jaechan-ah, is that Seoham? Tell him to come along!” He hears his mother's commands on the other line, he looks at Seoham who’s very much interested in what his mother is saying on the phone.
“I-I’ll ask him,” Jaechan answers while eyeing the taller man.
Seoham looks at him curiously, “Ask me what?”
Jaechan puts his phone a little further from his ears, “My mom is wondering if you’d like to have dinner with us.”
Before Seoham could even answer, his mom’s voice echoed again on the other line, “Don’t you dare come here without Seoham.”
Seoham seems to catch up with what Jaechan’s mother said so he answers for him. Seoham leans on Jaechan's ears where his phone is at, “Mom, don’t worry I’ll go.”
Jaechan chokes on a breath hearing Seoham call his mother “mom” He bites his lip to stop the smile from forming.
“Great! I’ll wait for you here alright? Take care, my sons.” Jaechan’s mother tells before dropping the call.
Jaechan then goes to his manager to inform her that he’ll ride with Seoham on the way to his mother’s place. He sees his manager smirk as if saying, i knew it. He decides to ignore it before his cheeks could heat up again.
“So… Let’s go?” Seoham beams at him, offering his arm for Jaechan to hold on to.
Jaechan huffs out a chuckle, clinging on to him, “You seem so happy.”
They trudge together to Seoham’s car, “Of course, I’m gonna see our mom again.”
—
Series of laughter echoes in the dining area where Jaechan’s family together with Seoham eat, “Anyway, when did you come back from service?” Jaechan’s mother asks Seoham.
Seoham wipes his lips with a napkin, “About 3 weeks ago.”
“And you just met up with Jaechan today?” his mother infers once again.
Jaechan sees his cousin on the other side of the table, laughs a little, “Auntie, didn’t you read the news? Jaechan-hyung came rushing when he knew that Seoham-hyung was back.” his cousin says with such enthusiasm causing the entire dining area to go quiet for a mere 5 seconds.
He can feel multiple pairs of eyes looking at him, including Seoham’s who is sitting beside him. “T-that was just a rumor.” Jaechan tries to deny under his breath.
Seoham laughs but it came out as a snort earning a questioning look from his father who has been very quiet ever since the moment they came.
I’m on a fuckin’ thin ice.
“You just came back and you’re going to work already? Should you be resting for a little longer?” Jaechan’s mother asks Seoham for the nth time but Seoham indulges her happily with answers.
Seoham nods, smiling. “I think I have rested enough, and I feel like I’m going to be sick if I don’t start working soon. Thank you for your concern, Eomoni.”
A glimpse of sparkle in her eyes is evident as she taps Seoham’s shoulder, “You’re such a diligent child, Seoham-ah. Your parents must’ve been proud of you.” Jaechan’s mom presses with such fondness that prompts Seoham to laugh shyly.
Her gaze turns to Jaechan, “Jaechan-ah, I’m telling you, you should marry someone like Seoham.”
The meat that he’s currently chewing almost flew out of his mouth, as he coughs a couple of times. “Are you okay?” Seoham asks him, as his one hand is rubbing his back gently and the other is pouring a glass of water for Jaechan.
Jaechan turns to him when he recovers only to find Seoham’s concerned eyes looking intently at him. “Yes,” he nods in assurance, still not looking away.
Jaechan’s father clears his throat making them break eye contact. In that exact moment Jaechan reminds himself to find his way out when looking at Seoham’s eyes in the future.
“Honey, let the kids eat first. Save your questions for later.” His father’s voice is calm but modulated.
Jaechan’s mother giggles, “I’m sorry you two, go eat. Seoham-ah, if there’s anything you want to eat, just tell me, okay?”
A series of thank you s was heard from Seoham, and Jaechan just looks at them. “Don’t be jealous, Jaechan-ah, you’re still my son!” His mom teases him.
A fond smile appears in his lips as he continues eating. Truth is, Jaechan isn’t even jealous, he just feels… complete .
Glasses clink as Jaechan helps his mom organize their kitchen stuff on the countertop. He can see Seoham from the living room playing with his little cousin, his heart swells at the sight to which his mom notices right away.
“So, you like him?”
“What?” Jaechan is taken aback, “What are you saying, Ma?”
His mother shrugs, “I’m just asking if you like Seoham.”
Jaechan wipes the plate in front of him, avoiding his mother’s eyes, “You know we’re friends, Ma. We’re co-workers.”
“Mhm, that still doesn’t answer my question.”
Jaechan bites his lip, finding the words to respond to his mom. When he took a moment to respond, she looked at him trying to catch his gaze. “Jaechan-ah, you know you can be honest with me.”
Jaechan’s grip on the plate tightens a bit, “Truth is, I don’t know.” he confesses.
His mom narrows her eyes, contemplating. “You don’t know if you like him?”
He nods slowly, “Yes.”
She cackles at Jaechan, causing him to shush his mom or else they’re gonna be heard from the living room where their subject of interest is staying.
She recovers from laughing with tears in her eyes, “Not to precede you but I sure as hell know that you do.”
Jaechan’s shoulders dropped, “Ma…”
She looks at him incredulously, as she stops wiping the glasses to focus on Jaechan, “Son, there’s nothing in the way you look at him that screams I don’t like him. ”
“It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s just I don’t know if I like him.” he protests.
“But not not liking him means you like him, right?” Jaechan’s mother insists, holding up her pointing finger as if she’s making a point.
Well she does.
Jaechan chuckles in defeat. Why do mothers know everything?
“I don’t know, Ma. I wish I knew it in my head.”
She leans her back on the edge of the countertop, crossing her arms. “You know most of the time, it’s not about knowing or figuring things out. Sometimes, everything just boils down to what you actually feel. You don’t have to rationalize everything, when did feelings even become rational anyway?”
What I actually feel. It repeats in his mind.
He recalls the moments he shared with Seoham, what he felt back then. He lists them down mentally.
He felt at ease.
Safe and sound.
Comfortable.
Longing.
Happy.
But there is one more thing that adds up on the list.
“I think I’m… scared.” Jaechan admits.
“Scared of?”
“Both of us are in the industry,” he starts, fumbling with the white cloth in his hand, “If Seoham-hyung and I were to be honest with our feelings, some people might not take it well.”
Jaechan’s mom looks at him like she’s hurt, caring hands caresses his face with such tenderness, “Jaechan-ah, you’ve lived a life where you’re in a constant state of pleasing people, whether you’re aware of it or not. It’s about time to do something that is entirely for yourself.”
Entirely for himself. It echoes in his head.
“You deserve to be with someone you like without overthinking if it has consequences,” her steady hands reach out to his fiddling ones, “You have to know that you deserve to be happy even if the world is not watching, and especially when the world is watching.”
Jaechan watches Seoham in the living room, “But I don’t want to put him at any risk.”
His mother sighs, “To be honest, It’s totally up to him.”
“Why are we even overthinking this, I don’t even know if he likes me too.” He continues piling up the clean dry plates and glasses.
“I’m sure he does.” She taps his shoulder in assurance.
Jaechan huffs, “How can you be so sure, Ma?”
“I don’t know. Mother’s instinct maybe?
“He’s not even your son.”
“Oh, he’s going to be.”
A smile can’t help but show on his face, he feels some weight off of his shoulder right after that conversation. Mother indeed, knows best.
As Jaechan and his mother continue talking about random stuff, he catches a glimpse of his father walking away as if he has been listening to the conversation they had.
Was he eavesdropping the whole time?
Jaechan’s heart paces fast.
It’s not that his father doesn’t know that he swings both ways, but they haven’t really sat down and talked about it either, and he doesn’t know if his father will take it lightly if he finds out Jaechan is currently in-love with his friend slash co-worker. But if he does not, well, it can’t be helped. Because as his mother said, It’s about time to do something that is entirely for yourself.
That’s why as Jaechan and Seoham are about to leave the house, Jaechan has been slightly avoiding his father’s eyes.
“We’ll go ahead, Ma.” Jaechan kisses his mother’s cheeks.
“Mom, thank you again for the food!” Seoham exclaims excitedly as he hugs Jaechan’s mother.
Jaechan’s mother reaches for Seoham's both cheeks as she squishes it lightly, “Glad that you enjoyed your stay. You drive safely okay?”
He can’t help but giggle at the act, Seoham just indulges her by nodding and agreeing.
Jaechan turns to his father who’s a little bit further away from them, “Pa, we’ll go ahead.”
His father only nods silently.
Seoham on the other hand, bows at a 30 degree angle at his father, “Thank you for letting me stay, Sir.”
There was a moment of silence before his father speaks, “Seoham,”
“Yes sir?”
“Take care of my son,” he stands up from his seat, “and come visit us again.”
Until they are both seated in Seoham’s car, Seoham can’t seem to put his smile down.
“Now you’re too happy.” Jaechan calls him out as he puts a seatbelt on himself.
Seoham huffs out a quiet laugh, “Man, I thought he’s mad at me, but he said we should visit them again. I feel like I just got the blessing to marry his son. ”
Jaechan looks at him abruptly with wide eyes, “What?”
“It’s a joke.” Seoham smiles, “Because we aren’t even dating yet.”
Jaechan’s laugh filled the car, “Is that a joke too?”
Seoham hums, thinking, “Maybe not.”
He feels his cheeks warming up, but before Jaechan could respond again, Seoham starts the car, “So, to your dorm right?”
Jaechan thinks for a moment, “Hyung.”
“Hmm?”
It’s now or never.
“Can I stay at your place tonight?”
Seoham looks at him with such adoration, “Of course.”