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As his brother sat on the couch and stared off into the distance, there was only one question that was clouding Gillian's mind.
Why did he attempt it?
Gill wanted to make sure Mike knew he was there, not to startle him; but to let him know he wasn't going anywhere. "Michael?" Gillian gently placed his hand on his brother's. Clearly startled from Gill's attempt to make his presence known, he hesitantly turned in the voice's direction, gripping his brother's hand—his own hand shaking.
"Do you want to talk about it..?" Gillian timidly spoke. Michael didn't like where this was going, his thoughts hastily came up with a facial expression that matched Gill's voice. Disappointment? Anger? Betrayal? He wished he could see; but part of him was relieved he was spared from the image of a disappointed brother.
"Ah. Sorry I got lost in my thoughts again." FUCK! He hated this! He wanted to take back what he said. He sounded so blunt! So mean to the brother who clearly just wanted to talk!
"Don't worry, I know there's plenty on your mind.." it was so obvious Gillian was disappointed, he had pushed away his brother again! In a single sentence!
Awkward silence filled the air again, I mean how could it not? Michael had just—
"Why did you do it?"
Ah. There it was, that dreaded question.
How was he going to word this?
"I... don't know." Jesus Christ Michael what is wrong with you!? There may not have been a right answer but this was certainly the wrong one!
"Oh..?" Gillian tilted his head, hoping to appear as… a friendlier presence? Michael couldn't see him either way.
Another long pause from Mike, as if he was carefully going over his words.
Why? It's always why. He never did anything that made sense, even to him.
He went over the events that happened that night.
The chair was on the ground, my fate had been sealed, I was good as dead. Yet for a hellish minute I tried tearing off my noose. Thoughts and memories rushed through me. I didn't want to die, I didn't want to DIE!! This was my final mistake; and I was going to pay the price.
My brother walked in with a bag of groceries and the last thing I ever saw was his face.
Hospitals. Lights. The smell of sterile white sheets and people moving around me, strange people. I could hear my brother cry, I didn't want him to cry. I reached out for him, to tell him I was sorry, to tell him I was here; but my eyes wouldn't open. Everything was a blur.
Mike felt his eyes sting with pain as he started tearing up and shakily gripped Gillian's hand tighter.
He wished he could see Gill's face again.
"M-Mike!? Are you alright…?"
He tried his hardest to stop his tears, but it was all too much! He almost left his brother, and he almost lost his life. Gill went closer to him, comforting him; but that only made Mike breakdown even more
"I'm so.. so sorry Gill! I was so scared! I don't know what I was thinking!" Mike hugged Gill, with shaking arms he desperately clutched unto his brother.
Gillian hugged him back as he felt his heart sink; his own tears started falling down his face. "Shhh.. it's okay.. let it out.." He caressed Mike's back, cooing him.
Michael gasped for air, he was pretty sure he was hyperventilating. He remembered Gillian's face, how he simultaneously wanted to forget it and keep that memory. He didn't want to leave his big brother behind.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please… I never wanted to leave you! I was scared—There.. were so many bills- a-and I didn't want to be selfish and ask for help and I- Didn't have enough money! Because of my stupid drinking! I'm… so sorry!" Mike felt something bubble up his chest and he coughed, so much was happening and he didn't know what to do. Gillian's chest stung with pain.
"No.. no… don't apologize… I should be the one apologizing! I'm s-so sorry Mike!—I've been an awful big brother! I left you alone when you needed me… I'm sorry…" Gill was breaking down too.
"Look at me! I hurt myself and now I can't even see your face!!! I'm still the same useless child you always had to clean up messes from… I'm so sorry Gill…"
"Mike… I love you.. nothing will ever make me stop loving you."
"I- I love you too Gill…"
By that point it hurt both of them to speak, they felt like kids again. The world didn't exist. For a moment it was just the two of them in each other's arms.
Even if one of them couldn't see, they had each other, and that's what mattered.
They never stopped caring.