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It has been awhile since she came to overlook Undead practices. ES was expanding quickly, but not quick enough to hire competent producers for every idol it took in. Then when they did start hiring said producers Koga was never lucky enough to snag her. It was always the newbie, who was said to be for Rhythm Link exclusively.
The newbie was kind, gave decent advice; cowering less at his temper as time went on. Even giving constructive criticism wrapped up in insults. He liked them. But they weren't her .
So of course after practice had finished and the group was done cleaning up and thanking each other for the day Koga said he was going to hang back to catch up with her. Kaoru hesitated, probably to also chat, but Rei gave him a knowing smile and ushered Kaoru and Adonis out with the promise of a warm meal after that strenuous practice.
That was how they ended up both sitting in the corner of the room with their knees to their chests; huddled together laughing at silly stories from past jobs they've done over the years. How Koga ended up sighing a confession under his breath that didn't go unnoticed, for how close they sat.
He feels her tense against him and his heart sinks. It wasn't supposed to slip out. He has held onto these feelings since second year, he swore he would let them fester inside forever to not fuck up what they had already. He refused to lose what camaraderie they had built up over the last five years.
"Shit," Koga huffs, brain failing to come up with a decent excuse that wouldn't further dig his grave. "Forget I said anything."
"No no it's not - " she stammers, rubbing her calves nervously. He can feel her body rocking back and forth. "I, I like you too. I've liked you forever."
Now it's Koga's turn to sputter in embarrassment. Embarrassment and a tiny bit of disappointment. You mean he could have confessed years ago? They could have spent all that time together in the music room kissing instead of being productive. Could have spent those beginning years at ES flirting openly in the hallways, stealing touches in the elevator. Now that he thinks about it, didn't they already do that? Minus the kissing part obviously. But they flirted. She was always touching his shoulder or arm to get his attention. Never hesitated to fix his unruly hair before class started that turned into him tucking her bangs behind her ear at the company. To anyone else they might even have looked like a couple.
But those touches, those flirts, they never escalated farther.
"I just never said anything because - well - I didn't think you would want to be with someone like me."
"What do ya mean someone like you? We've known each other for years . 'Course I'd wanna be with you. You work hard and don't put up with my bullshit. Everyone likes you."
She tucks her head between her raised knees but he can see her blush and her lips curling into a smile. She peeks at him with one eye, though her bangs try to hide even that.
"I just don't see how anyone could be happy dating someone who doesn't want to -." At the admission her head shoots up and Koga can see just how red her cheeks have actually gotten. The rouge creeps down her neck under her collar, ears turning a light pink. He can only recall one other time her face had gotten that flushed and it was because she had caught a fever in the rain.
"That's fine? Some people take longer for those types of things?" Koga is beginning to sound like his own father explaining the birds and bees and he isn't liking it at all. "I'm not some asshole who's gonna force ya or anything."
She shakes her head aggressively while covering her heated face in her hands.
"No! I mean--" she sighs heavily. "I'm asexual. I dont really do sex. I mean maybe one day if I'm super duper comfortable but that's a huge maybe. Probably a never. I don't get the… drive? My horny level is like a -1 on most days. I can't expect people to accept that when most are at least a 6. Teens definitely an 11! Normal couple stuff just … I don't know..."
"Oh." Koga whispers. That was unexpected. Made him feel a little relieved honestly knowing that it wasn't his abysmal flirting that stopped her from crossing a line. Made him feel sad though thinking of everything she had been holding back. He thinks about how much Kaoru had liked her, and maybe that was why she had rejected him continuously. He has mixed feelings about that one.
"Hand holding?"
She has the audacity to laugh at him, when he's just trying to be a decent person and know her comfort zones. He's never really delved into what asexuality was and he doesn't want to fuck this up.
"Koga, we've held hands before. Of course it's fine."
"Well what if you were uncomfortable the entire time and just too nice to not tell me." He glares at the smile still stretching across her face. "Even you must realize how lenient you are with shit."
Now that smile turns bashful, but Koga is just glad that she doesn't look like she's about to cry anymore.
"Well… I've never felt uncomfortable with anything you've done." She holds up a finger to silence him before he cuts her off. "That includes you trampling over me my first day, or me straddling you on Halloween. Or that time I came to your house crying and ended up sleeping on your couch."
Koga nods his head while the gears inside spin.
"So dating'd be okay, right? Call you my honey and take you on dates 'n kiss ya stupid?" He asks playfully but no less cautious because that sounds like a normal relationship. It's what he would have done if she confessed in high school. The dates would be more juvenile and he would act like an ass he was sure, still trying to act aloof and copy Sakuma-senpai (embarrassing fanboy shit). Now he'd be more comfortable going to the cutesy cafés, probably.
Now her face twists into something closer to guilt. She crosses her arms defensively and he can see the heat creep back into her cheeks.
"Cuddling is okay… but no kissing. I don't think," she mutters resting her cheek on her knee. She scrunches her face up in thought. "Maybe, but I don't know. Probably not."
She sighs and Koga can see her shoulders deflate.
"Sorry. This is why I've never been in a relationship. Who wants to be with someone who works as much as I do when they can't even kiss or…" she waves her hand around. "Or -- or sex! Sorry if I've been leading you on this whole time. I swear it wasn't intentional! I just … I just really like you and … but …"
Koga can see her spiralling. He knows the look. The same look she makes when a live doesn't go according to plan and she takes all the blame regardless of if it was her fault or not. The same look when a personal outfit isn't personal enough for her liking. The same look he saw on her face moments before she crumbled completely at his doorstep that one day.
He grabs her hand. She has it twisted around her forearms and he has to actually pry each finger off individually before she finally relents and lets him hold it.
"Shut up with the self loathing, it's fine. Even if we don't date, It's cool. You can still chill at my house. I'll still take ya out for drinks. Pull all-nighters that end with you drooling in my lap. We're still friends."
"Best friends." She whispers, gripping Koga's hand tighter. The smile this time is smaller but no less genuine.
"Best--" Koga clears his throat, suddenly choking up. Best friends. She thought of him as a best friend. Not a close colleague one in a pool of many idols she had been close with during school that bridged into the company. "Best friends."
Her eyes twinkle.
"As a best friend," Koga says after a long bout of silence. "Wanna come over to my place for chill time?
The walk to Koga's apartment starts with him lightly grazing his fingers down her forearm and ends with her firmly grasping his hand, swinging it back and forth the entire walk home. Her face is bright, smile shining, and Koga can only smile back. In high school no doubt he would be blushing and scoffing and hiding their hands in his coat pocket instead of throwing them in the air for anyone to see, but now he's mature enough to take it for what it is.
Bliss.
Being with the one you like and them liking you back. Even if they didn't really solidify what they were, that didn't change the fact they were holding hands comfortably. No awkwardness lingering in the air between them. Just the usual banter. The questions about work and family and Leon. What Undead has been up to. If they were getting along with their new producer (turns out she recommended them for rhylink personally). When Koga tells her they get along well enough - even if they were a little mouthpiece - she giggles and gives him a knowing look. Why do you think I suggested them, hmm?
The rest of the evening is much the same familiarity. She makes herself right at home smothering Leon in kisses and raiding his snack cupboard. Plopping down on the sofa with a bag of chips in hand and orders him to play a movie. If he didn't know any better, he'd think she was the one who lived here.
The movie plays quietly with Leon sleeping at Koga's feet and her leaning against his arm. Her head has been resting on his shoulder for the majority of the movie now. Feet propped on the couch tucked under her. He has stopped paying attention to the television for awhile now, instead focusing on every minute shift of her body against his. Taking in her relaxed breathing, the quiet chuckles, the shuffle when her legs fall asleep and she needs to resituate herself.
The scenario is no different from the other times she's been over, but something deep down is bubbling. A fizz that's just waiting for the cap to twist to get that last bit of air before it can explode. Koga rests his head atop hers planted on his shoulder when the credits begin rolling.
"Are we calling this a date?" His hand's on the cap.
This time she doesn't stiffen against him. If anything she leans her full weight into him and turns her face into his neck. He can feel warm air puff over his skin when she quietly replies. Maybe .
She curls her hand around his that's been wedged between them the whole film, playing with his fingers instead of saying anything further. Soft tips blindly tracing palm lines, nails dragging over calluses. He returns the softness in kind by wrapping his arm around her snuggly before slipping his hand back into hers to continue the flimsy hand massage.
"Holding hands. Cuddling on the couch." Koga mutters. "You said no kissin' ya stupid, but does that 'maybe' mean I can call you mine?" The cap is twisting. Hissing getting more and more aggressive.
"...Maybe." she mumbles back. "Maybe a little kiss is okay. Like on the cheek … or something." The last of the protective plastic snaps and the bubbles can no longer be held back.
Koga takes the hand wrapped around her shoulder and threads it through her hair gently, coaxing her to sit up. Instead she just tilts her head up to look at him in the dimly lit room. The TV has been flashing the menu screen for some time now and with every change of scene dimming and shining into the room, her eyes do the same. He can do nothing but take a deep inhale through his nose and kiss her forehead firmly. Lips linger over her brow, trying to memorize the smell of her hair - her skin.
"Good?" He mouths against her. Not wanting to lift his lips away in case this is the last and only time. If she says no he'll back off. He'll take anything she offers. If there is a line he will do everything in his power to not cross it. He respects her enough for that, loves her enough.
"Mmhm."
Koga takes that as an okay to continue and so he does. Pressing his lips to her temple next. Moving down to the apple of her cheek. He can feel them lift up as she starts to smile and that only pushes him to grab her face in both hands, jaw cradled between them and leaving a wet smack against the other cheek. She rears back laughing, kicking her feet out to push against his lap for leverage - trying to get distance. Being on a small couch, there isn't much.
"Okay that's enough. You're worse than Leon." Using the neckline of her shirt she wipes the cooling spit off her heated cheek.
"Alright alright. You're still mine though right?"
She rolls her eyes and hops off the couch to stretch. He knows she's trying to play off the embarrassment, but he lets her. She's halfway to the kitchen before she timidly turns back towards him. Arms toy with the hem of her shirt while she grasps the courage to give him her answer.
"You really want me?" The question is so quiet Koga would have missed it if he wasn't focused on every breath she was taking.
"If you say nothin' we've done is off the table then yeah I still want ya." They've gone on dates - that weren't classified as dates - and shared beds. If Koga is allowed to wake up with her in his arms then he didn't care if sex was off the list. He'll wank it alone as he's done his entire life if need be. As an idol, self gratification was all he had time for anyway. If he's being honest that time was dwindling as well now that the company was expanding. Oh well, he'd cross that bridge when it becomes an issue, if it ever gets to that point.
"Then …. Okay. But you have to promise to tell me if things aren't working out. I won't be happy if you're not happy."
"That's so cheesy but I promise. Now are ya comin' back or what?" Koga pats the seat beside him like he's beckoning Leon to jump up (who's zonked out on the floor).
She stands there silently for all of two seconds before quickly walking back to him and straddling his lap instead. She loops her arms around his neck and presses her nose into it. Mouthing cute little whines of ugh why are you so good and I can't believe this.
"So are ya staying the night? It's getting late and there's no work tomorrow."
She tightens her grip around him.
"Only if you're carrying me to bed with you." She whispers into his ear.
Koga grabs her by the back of her thighs as he lifts himself from the couch. He prays Leon hasn't moved because he can't see the floor over her shoulder. He feels her tighten her legs around his torso and he hoists her up once to get a better hold before slowly making his way to the bedroom. Her giggles make sparks run down his spine. Or maybe it's her fingers playing with the baby hairs along his neck. Or maybe it's the knowledge that she's his now. He'll reassess it in the morning if he remembers. For now he focuses on how right the bed feels with her weight on it. How her body rolls into his as he adjusts the blankets. How Leon takes an extra moment to sniff out the new buddy before taking his usual spot at the foot of the bed to sleep.
How he gets to hear a muffled good night and feel arms wrap tight around his torso before he too succumbs.