Chapter Text
Souchi POV
"I'm home," Souchi mumbles to himself as he opens the door to his shared apartment. He toed his shoes off and dropped his backpack near the genkan and collapsed on the floor.
School had been hell.
Since Morinaga's departure, Souchi's day to day laboratory duties have at least doubled as well as the many errors he has had to fix from his barely competent lab assistances. A grimace crosses his face; both of them were decent, hard workers but slower learners, still very green. Souchi tried to remember their names but all he could conjure of from his exhausted mind was a vague face of a petite girl and a young man with glasses. Oh well, he was never good with names...or faces for that matter.
Ringgggg!
Souchi's thoughts was disrupted by the shrill cry of his cell phone. "Morinaga" flashed across his iPhone. Debating whether or not he really wanted to put up with Morinaga's antics right now, Souchi ended up accepting the call anyway.
"Hello?"
"Senpai! How are you? What are you doing?"
Morinaga's excited chatter echoed through the empty apartment and bounced off the silent walls.
"God Morinaga, calm down. I'm right here, you don't need to yell in my ear!"
"Oh..sorry senpai. I'm just so excited to talk to you. I can't wait to tell you about how my training's going!"
As Morinaga's chatter continued, Souchi dragged himself off the ground and lugged his backpack into this bedroom. Tossing it on his backpack on his desk chair, he fell back on his bed. His lids felt heavy.
"Senpai…? Are you listen…? Sen-"
"I'm awake, I'm awake."
Souchi tried to blink back his tiredness but it was futile.
"Morinaga, I'm gonna take a short nap. When are you getting back again? Tomorrow?" Souchi attempted to pinpoint the exact date he remembered Morinaga's telling him a while back.
"Tonight! I get back tonight! I can't believe you forgot senpai."
Souchi could already hear the pout forming on his kouhai's lips. ...Damn. The guilt was already setting in. Quickly trying to save himself, he begins, "Oi. Calm do-"
"Go to sleep senpai. I'll just let myself in when I get back. I'm about to board, see you in a bit."
Clicks
...Damn. Why does Morinaga always do that. Make his mind wracked with guilt. Souchi tried redialing but it went straight to voicemail. Souchi sighed. Why did Morinaga make him feel this way. Guilty and anxious and upset and...unsettled. He tried redialing one more time but once again was met with voicemail. Damn, Morinaga must have boarded already.
Souchi sat up in the bed and begin preparing something to eat. No point in sleeping now. He walked to the kitchen to prepare eggs and and what ever else there was in the fridge.
After preparing eggs and toast, he sat down in front of the TV and began nibbling on his food. Souchi flipped through the channels and settled on a some documentary he was vaguely paying attention to.
Souchi half-listened to the special as he checked his notifications on his phone, waiting for a phone call or text from Morinaga…
"...I felt so dirty…" Souchi heard the girl from the documentary say. "I thought that if I stopped thinking about, if I ignored it, then it didn't my life would return to normal."
Souchi turned his full attention to the TV and continued listening, giving his full focus on the words of the young girl.
"Did you know him?" the faceless interviewer asked.
"Yes I did. He was a close friend… It made it that much harder to acknowledge that he hurt me. That he would betray my trust like that."
What are they talking about, Souchi thought. The longer he listened, the faster his heart beated. He didn't know why. It was a creeping sensation. On his skin. He wanted to turn the TV off, but he just couldn't.
Souchi eyes widen and he felt the wind knocked out of his lungs once he realized what the young girl was speaking about. He palmed his eyes hard. Souchi's breath was coming out shallow and labored. With ringing ears, Souchi missed the opening of the front door of his apartment.
"...-pai...Senpai?"
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
Startled, Morinaga yanked his hand back and clutched it to his chest.
"I-I'm sorry…"
With a startling realization, Souchi regained his senses and blinked away his confusion. He saw the hurt in his kouhai's eyes as he looked down into Souchi's face, his demeanor. With a niggling in the back of his mind, he jolted up and raced to his bedroom.
"Senpai!" Morinaga's shouted after him. Souchi's door slammed and Morinaga's desperately knocked against it.
"Senpai! Are you okay? What happened?!"
Morinaga's frantic shouts were muffled by Souchi's hands pressed tightly against his ears.
"Go to sleep, Morinaga! Leave me alone! Please…!" Souchi's desperate voice was conveyed through the door. Morinaga sighed and stepped back.
"Alright...good night, senpai."
Souchi’s POV
The next morning.
“...-pai. Senpai. It’s morning.” Morinaga’s tapped on Souchi’s door. Since he didn’t receive an answer, Morinaga sighed and headed for the kitchen.
Souchi heard him.
He’s been awake since sunrise, staring at the nondescript ceiling above him. Half of him wants to sink into the mattress and half of him wants to see Morinaga again and clumsily explain his behavior last night. Well...explaining would required him to actually know why he reacted like that. The answer was illusive.
Why had he reacted like that? Souchi wasn’t willfully ignorant. He knew why that documentary struck a chord with him. His history with his old mentor as well as Morinaga pretty much made him a veteran when it came to sexual assault.
Souchi wryly smirked. What an awful thing to be a veteran of.
He never thought much of Morinaga’s assault. He was furious after the fact but if he was being honest with himself. He wouldn’t have been angry forever. Maybe a few weeks for total avoidance, a few months of silent treatment, maybe a year of reluctance and cautious interactions. But he knew, eventually, he would stop thinking about it and him and Morinaga would go back to normal. As far as Souchi was concerned it didn’t even happen.
And surprisingly, that was almost what had happened. Except for the fact he ends up in a weird quasi-relationship but not relationship with Morinaga instead of reverting back to kouhai and senpai.
Looking back, why didn’t things go back to the way they were. He smirks to himself, I remember. Morinaga emotionally blackmailed me into sleeping with him in exchange for his presence in my life. Should I have done that?
Souchi tried to imagine a day to day life without Morinaga. Not eating breakfast with him. Not seeing him around the apartment. Not sharing reluctance but secretly desired kisses and intimacy. He couldn’t.
But for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to leave his bed.
“Senpai. Breakfast is getting cold so come out and eat it soon. I’m gonna go out for a bit. Call me if you need anything.” Souchi heard Morinaga from across his bedroom door.
Another sigh. Second one in a 24 hr period. That’s a record.
Deciding to stop wading in pity, Souchi jumps off his bed and began his morning routine. Walking into the bathroom, Souchi tied his hair up in a high ponytail and started brushing his teeth. Okay, he thinks to himself, no more wallowing. Be a man and confront Morinaga directly when he gets back. This isn’t like you.
Souchi rinsed, shaved, and sat down on the kitchen table to finish up some last minute lab work. He stomach protested loudly thirty minutes in his study.
“Didn’t Morinaga made some food…” he mumbles aloud. He scans the kitchen and sees it on the counter next to the stove. He pops it in the microwave and continued his work. The microwaved beeped and went to fetch it. Sitting down, he slowly ate his breakfast while doing lab work. Slowly, time passed.
Oh my god..., Souchi realized, “It’s already 4 p.m. Where is he?”
Picking up his iPhone, Souchi began to scroll through his notification.
Facebook...facebook...snap from Kanako...text from isogai...email from lab assistance...voicemail from university...huh...nothing from Morinaga. Scrolling through his contacts, he picks Morinaga’s number and began calling. The line rings a few times before Souchi hears a click.
“Hello? What’s up senpai?”
“Where the hell are you?! It’s been hours since you left!”
“Oh wow, sorry senpai. I didn’t realize how long I’ve been gone. I’m heading back now, might as well do some grocery shopping on the way. What do you want from dinner, senpai?”
“Um...something with shrimp.”
“Alright. See you in a bit.”
Souchi hung up and started cleaning around the kitchen, removing his papers and his laptop. Okay, he thought, one Morinaga get here, I’ll talk to him about what happened last night.
Tetsuhiro POV
“...Call me if you need anything.” Morinaga said through Souchi’s bedroom door. He sighed. Sometimes progress with senpai felt like 4 leaps forward and 10 leaps back. One day he’s asking for Morinaga to stay. And then he’s jerking back from every touch like it’s fire. Maybe Morinaga’s making too many assumptions again. Senpai needs time.
But he’s not sure if hoping for a change in Senpai’s attitude would change anything. It’s hard hoping when you can’t see a clear destination.
Stepping into one of his favorite bars, Adamsite, Morinaga greets the bartender.
“Angel! How have you been, we’re about to close but I guess you can stay a bit longer.” Hiroto says, “so...how are you and your senpai?” Hiroko eyes brows dances suggestively as he dried the glasses.
Morinaga, in a slight chuckle, “Haha, nothing even remotely worth sharing Hiroto.” Morinaga face falls a miniscule amount and his eyes darken a shade. Hiroto, years of being the agony aunt to strangers, notices his change in expression and sighs.
“...You know you can tell me, y’know. I’ll listen. Not judgement, swear.” Hiroto said gently. Morinaga looks up and stares at Hiroto before reluctantly continuing.
“Senpai was acting weird last night.”
“Weird how?”
“Like jumpy weird. When I got home from work, he was shaking with his hands covering his eyes. I touched his shoulder and he freaked out! He yelled ‘Don’t touch me!’ but I don’t even know what I did.” Morinaga whispered in the end. His eyes were lidded, staring a hole into in long island ice tea.
“Maybe something set him off Angel.” Hiroto suggested while preparing a drink for another patron. The patron bent down and whispered something in his ear that made him smile in amusement. With a nod of acknowledgement to the patron he made his way back to Tetsuhiro. “What do you think may have set him off?”
“I’m not sure...really.” Morinaga contemplated. The clink of another long island ice tea being placed in front of him. As he reached for his wallet, Hiroto shook his head.
“Nope. The nice guy over there told me to ‘give the skinny tall brunette another of whatever he’s drinking’,” Hiroto said, attempting to imitate the patron. Morinaga looked over and saw the man staring at him. Tipping his new drink in the man’s direction, Morinaga smiled. Morinaga finally got a good look at his admirer under better lighting. He had dirty blond hair and looked about the same height as him.
“Cute right? ” Hiroto pointed out when he noticed Morinaga checking him out.
“I guess but senpai’s the only one for me.” Morinaga said resolutely, schooling a determine look on his face.
The blond patron worked over and placed a hand on Morinaga’s shoulder. “Hey cutie.”
“Uh...hi…” Morinaga mumbled, “Thank you for the drink.” He felt the hand slip off his shoulder and run down his arm. Morinaga jerked back.
“Sorry. I’m in a relationship...sort of…” Morinaga said with a slight pitch in his voice, “Anyway, sorry…Excuse me, I have to go, Hiroto, and um-”
“Mathew. Mathew Lock.” Morinaga
Morinaga vaguely noticed he was American did not think too much as he made his way towards the exit.
-0-0-
Souchi POV
A light knock coming from the front door snapped Souchi from his lab work. Huh, I guess he’s home with groceries, Souchi thought, Okay, I after dinner I’ll offer to make tea, apologize for my behavior last night, and then it’ll be fine.
The light knocking continued once more.
“I’m coming!” Souchi called out as he sped up his steps toward the front door. Wrenching it open, he was greeted by Morinaga in a trendy blue button up and a sleek blazer, also carrying groceries. The contrast between his kouhai’s outfit and the falling groceries in his arms and the tofu in his right hand made his chuckle. “Need some help?”
“Yes please!” Morinaga pleaded, trying to one-handedly rearrange his precariously placed groceries. Souchi quickly reached out for the tofu and the falling cans of chicken broth and quickly placed them in the kitchen counter. Morinaga followed him through the door, slipping in shoes off in the genkan as he went. He then heavily placed the bag of groceries on the counter next to the tofu and chicken broth, finally letting out a huge breath.
“Phew! When you’re holding this much stuff in your hands, those few flights of stairs feel like miles!” Morinaga complained, sweat shining on his nose and red coloring in cheek from the exertion.
“Want something to drink?”
“Yeah, but I can get it myself senpai since I’m headed towards the fridge to make dinner.”
Morinaga strided towards the fridge to look for extra ingredient. “Does tofu and shrimp fried rice sound good?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.” Souchi replied, taking a seat in one of the kitchen chairs. He propped his head on his hand and stared at Morinaga while he got dinner ready. While deveining the shrimp, Morinaga felt Souchi’s state and glanced over his shoulder.
“Senpai…? Is something wrong?”
Startled, Senpai’s eyes blinked and focused on his kouhai who’s now slowly approaching the kitchen table.
“Are you okay…? You seem a little off. Are you sick?” Morinaga questioned worriedly. Lifting a hand to feel Souchi’s forehead-
“DON’T!” Souchi shouted and jerked his head back but stayed glued to his seat. His eyes were scrunched up and his hands held out in front of his chest in fists, protective-like. Realizing the situation, he snapped his head up and tried to explain himself. “Wait Mo-”
Souchi’s eyes widen at the scene before him, Morinaga’s hands were up, palms facing outwards, 3 steps further back and wide, fearful eyes worriedly staring at Souchi. Like a child whose parents snapped at them after a back day at work.
“Senpai?...I’m sorry. Did I do something? What did I do?” Morinaga’s questions came out rushed and panicked.
“Wait, Mori-” Souchi’s began, clearing his throat a bit, he started again, “...ignore what happened just now.”
“What? Ignore? I can’t do that! Not after you’ve reacted like that.” Morinaga frantically but sternly said. “Is there something you’re not telling me? Did someone hurt you?”
The questions were firm and serious, and left no room for floundering. In all honestly, Souchi didn’t know how to reply. We quietly looked down at his feet, hands gripping the hem of his button up. His knuckles had turned white and for some reason, his slippers now seem endlessly fascinating. Hearing a sigh, Souchi looked up and saw Morinaga’s back now turned to him and his kouhai was back at the sink, readying dinner.
“When you’re ready to talk about it senpai, I’ll listen. Until then, I’ll try not to touch you again.” Morinaga said quietly. Although Souchi couldn’t see his Morinaga’s face, the tone of his voice alone made a sharp pain in Souchi’s chest.
Still in the same position as before, Souchi looked down at his feet, focusin on the pieces of thread coming undone where the fabric met the soles of his slippers. Licking his lip, he tentatively began.
“The day before...there was this documentary on TV. This girl was being interviewd and...I don’t know...I wasn’t listening to it that intently…” Souchi mumbled, unsure of how to approach the topic.
“What was the documentary about Senpai.” Morinaga asked, tone light but Souchi had noticed that Morinaga’s right hand was gripping the knife unusually tightly.
“...Well, she was being interviewed for, well…” A silence fell unto the kitchen. “Sexual assault. By her boyfriend or something.” Souchi finally whispered.
Clang!
The sound of the knife dropping echoed throughout the small kitchen.
-0-0-
Souchi’s POV
Souchi’s head snapped up after he heard the knife dropping.
“Shit! Sorry, did I scare you?” Morigana said quietly with his back still turned to Souchi, “I didn’t mean to surprise you. The knife just dropped, I’m fine.”
The sink’s running water was still the only sound being heard in the kitchen. Morinaga quietly, methodically prepared dinner. The chop, chop of the knife against the cutting board filled the quiet kitchen. Souchi continued to stare holes in Morinaga’s back as he prepared for a reaction from Morinaga. He continually picked at his nails and fingertips.
“...say something,” Souchi whispered. Again, no reaction. Frustration was building in his chest. “Damnnit, Morinaga, fucking say something!”
“What am I supposed to say?!” Morinaga finally exploded. “Oh, I’m sorry that I raped you and mentally, physically, and emotionally scar you. I’m sorry that I tried to separate myself from you but you wouldn’t let me. I’m sorry that things are the way they are now. I’m sorry.”
Morinaga’s initial sarcasm in his tone was gone. Only sincere pain and regret in his voice. His fist were bunched at his side and his eyes scrunched up. Morinaga slowly raised his fists and pressed his knuckles to his temple.
“What am I suppose to do.”
Souchi breath hitched. Why is he even bringing this up? Did he want Morinaga to leave? Morinaga’s right. What is he even expecting Morinaga to do. Apologize? Talk to him about it? Leave?...never. He’d never allow that. A soft tap of a plates in front of him alerted him out of his reverie.
“Dinner’s ready.”
“Thanks.”
The one word conversation were awkward at best. Not knowing what else to fill the silence with, Souchi just ate.
“It’s good…”
“Um...thanks…”
The meal ended as quietly as it started. Morinaga finished first and began gathering his dirty plates and putting them in the sink. “Senpai, you can leave after you finish eating. I’ll do the dishes.”
“Are you sure you don’t want help?”
“No, I’m sure.”
Following Morinaga’s suggestions, Souchi got up and got ready for bed. Once in bed, a soft knock alerted him of Morinaga’s presence outside his door. Souchi got up and slowly made his way to the door. Once opened, he saw Morinaga, also in sleeping clothes, standing before him.
“Can we talk?” Souchi silently nodded. Souchi turned around and made his way back to his bed and scooted over, expecting Morinaga to join him on the bed. To his surprise, Morinaga pulled his desk chair and set it right in front of Souchi’s bed and sat down. Souchi audibly swallowed.
“I’ve been thinking, senpai. About what to do.”
“...Morinaga, just forget about it. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“No, I can’t do that.” Souchi scanned the man in front of him. Elbows resting on his knees, hands held together in front of him, eyes looking to the side-
“I can leave.” Souchi head snapped up.
“You can’t do that! Leave whenever there’s a problem!.” Souchi bellowed. Shoulder taut, hands gripping the bed sheets.
“Or therapy.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Souchi frozed. Morinaga looked over at his senpai, gauging his reaction.
“I do not need any therapy! I’m fine!” Souchi angrily replied.
“Okay. I can leave then.”
“You can’t do that either!”
“Senpai, then what do you want us to do? I want this for us. So bad. But I can’t be with you or be okay with you being with me if you flinch and repel me at every turn. If you don’t want to go to therapy, I’m going to move out. We can still be colleagues and friends, but not anything else. Do you want that?” Morinaga took a deep breath after the long speech.
Speechless, Souchi sat there. Morinaga’s offering to just be friends. Go back to how they were. He should be jumping at this chance. No more getting attacked every time he let his guard down. No longer feeling guilty for not accepting Morinaga’s advances. No more trying to rise up and meet unrealistic expectations of love and sex set by Morinaga. No more.
But.
Also no more moments where him and Morinaga curl up on the couch and quietly talk about their day. No more kisses. Forehead kisses. Eyebrow kisses. Neck kisses. Shoulder kisses. Hand kisses. Kisses. And at the end of the day, he won't hear Morinaga whisper goodnight in his ear. He won't go to Morinaga’s room before bed, demanding warmth to thwart the cold. He wont get to see Morinaga’s face, gazing at him like he’s the most important, most beautiful creature in the world when they hold each other.
Souchi quick grabbed Morinaga’s clenched hands. “No you can’t move out. I’ll go. To therapy I mean.”
Morinaga let out a deep, shuddering breath. “Okay...okay. I’ll go too. To a different one.” Morinaga began to get up from his seat, Souchi grabbed his hand.
“Stay. With me I mean. Tonight.” Souchi mumbled. “...please.” Morinaga used his other hand to gently remove Souchi’s hand.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea senpai. We both had a really tough night. You should go to bed. We’ll talk more in the morning. Good night.” Morinaga leaned forward and gently kissed Souchi on the forehead before exiting the room.