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Rachel has figured it out. Figured out that he helped her friend cheat on the LSATs. He stands helplessly in the cube farm, watching her go, wondering if she’ll tell anyone, if she’ll still be mad tomorrow.
In the air he whispers: “It’s not the whole story,” but there’s no one to hear that.
He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at how fucking fitting it is. No one was there for him in that time, no one heard him struggle. And now he is again, finally in a place where he’s going somewhere, where he’s happy. Yet when it all might get pulled out from under him, there is no one to hear him out.
Faintly he wonders if that will ever change, deep down he feels it won’t. Mike has always been alone. Grammy was there, but she had to work her ass of to take care of them both until it got too much for her. Trevor was a good friend when things were good, but he flaked the moment things got tough and Jenny has always picked his side, even if she didn’t want to.
For a second he debates calling Harvey, they just helped free Gabby Stone and saved Morello Assest. He’s probably in a good mood, but Mike doesn’t want to risk angering the man… disappointing him.
No, he’s always been alone, he can deal. It doesn’t split him apart inside at all.
So, he goes home and decides against calling Grammy, despite how much he wants to tell her about his win, wants her to notice something is up and ask. But he also doesn’t want to burden her with worry and a small part of him is scared she won’t notice. That there will be another sign that she is getting older, getting worse.
It’s probably best to let her get the rest. It’s late anyway and he’ll have to be in early again tomorrow, so he curls up under his sheets and refuses to cry.
They had a win today.
It was good.
He’s not going to let one conversation ruin that…
Yet when he rides to work the next day, he’s still out of it. He thinks it’s unlikely Rachel will sell him out, since the only reason she knows, is because she tried to hire him. Still, he can’t help but think about all the ways this is going to fuck up his life, or at least his only friendship within the firm.
Naturally he’s so distracted that he nearly hits Rachel with his bike. Fucking of course. He exclaims: “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” as he does, feeling even more shitty about it. “Oh, god, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
Rachel glares at him and starts to walk away, but not before saying: “You know there are easier ways to kill me, if you’re worried I’ll rat you out for cheating o the LSATs.”
“What?” Okay, so she’s still pissed. He knew that, but it stings anyways, so he quickly locks up his bike and hurries after her in an attempt to make it right. “Come on, Rachel.”
“Unbelievable,” she calls out, leaving him standing there for a second.
“Rachel!” he tries again. She throws away her coffee and he follows after her again. “Rachel, come on, let me buy you a fresh cup.”
“Are you actually going to buy it this time, or are you going to steal it?” she asks coldly, leaving Mike with a hollow feeling in his chest.
One of the things he likes best about having a job with a steady and good income is that he can buy little things for his friends now. That he can bring Grammy flowers when he visits. So, having that thrown in his face like this feels like shit, especially when he remembers all the times he thought about it and didn’t, because he really didn’t want to go down that road.
He tries not to let the hurt shine through as he defends himself. “Okay, first of all, I don’t steal, I cheat. There’s a big difference. And I don’t do it anymore.”
They’re at the elevators now and Rachel finally looks at him, only to scathingly say: “Oh, great defense. I’m sorry, your honor, I know that I murdered her, but I promise I won’t do it anymore,” like the two are even comparable.
“Look, I understand why you’re mad,” he says when they’re in the elevator. He’s still unsure why he’s even trying and he can’t help but be a bit bitter. “But I still don’t think you’re being entirely fair.”
Can’t she see that?
Doesn’t she understand?
“Not fair?” she repeats, clearly still mad. So, she doesn’t get it. “What’s not fair is that you repeatedly help people skirt a system that stands in the way of me become a lawyer.”
And suddenly Mike snaps. He has tried so hard to make her understand, to make it right, but she refuses to see where he’s coming from. He doesn’t have to stand there and take it. She isn’t right, sitting on her high horse and he doesn’t have to grovel.
“You know what?” he says sharply. “It isn’t fair that you’re judging me for this. You found out because you wanted to cheat and I’m not helping you, because I know you can do it on your own and I don’t want you to live with that for the rest of your life. I am doing you a favor, whether you can see that or not, and all you’re doing is shitting on me.”
“Mike-” Rachel starts, already doing that eyebrow thing when she doesn’t believe him.
“No, Rachel,” he cuts her off. “I was jeopardizing my entire future by taking those tests,” that is technically true, “do you really believe I was taking those test just for fun? For helping other people?”
“I-”
“Think,” he demands. “How much did Theresa say she payed me to do it?”
“A- a thousand bucks,” Rachel stammers out the answer, slightly put out under his intensity.
“That amount? Is not even a third of Grammy’s medical costs,” he tells her. That part is completely true and he doesn’t feel bad for the semi lies he tells her next. “You think I could study full time and have a job that earned enough for her care? I took those tests because I had to and every time I resented them for it. I resented that I was putting my ass on the line, because they couldn’t do what I did on my own. They just had that sort of cash to buy their future, while I had to resort to that to get by and just pray I wouldn’t get caught, that I would have a future without connections to help me get to where I am now.”
“Mike, I never-”
“I took those test,” his voice is shaking and he can barely believe he’s confessing this to Rachel of all people. “I took those test, because I could look myself in the mirror after, because it was better than sucking a random guy’s dick for a 100 dollar. So, don’t you dare stand there and judge me for finally having the funds to leave that behind me. For not burdening you with having such a thing on your conscious forever. For believing that you can do it.”
Rachel is speechless, the elevator is still moving and the only noise is Mike’s heavy breathing.
He remembers the first time he thought about it, how much he didn’t want to and how much bills there were to pay. He remembers it perfectly. He remembers allowing Trevor to pull him out to a bar, think ing he might as well get it over with and a bar seemed like a great place to get into that sort of business.
God, he was so scared and so relieved when they chatted up Jenny and her friend, like they were giving him an out for the night. He recalls how he hadn’t wanted to show off, afraid no one would like a smart hooker if they’d been overheard.
Most of all, he remembers how that friend had given him another solution to his problem. How he almost didn’t do it because it would be risky , before remembering that was stupid and it paid better anyway .
Still, he resented her for it. He resents all of them. He’d sit in those halls, make those tests, knowing that they would have a future because of him, while he could only watch those that couldn’t do what he does advance, because they had that sort of money to throw around to get to where they are.
“Mike,” Rachel’s small voice snaps him back to that elevator, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine,” he sighs, unsure if he means it. “Just think before you judge me next time, okay. I’m not against you and I know your life hasn’t been all easy breezy. Of course, I know that. It just wasn’t easy for me either and you seem to forget that.”
Rachel nods and promises to do better.
For a second there’s an awkward silence as the elevator completes the last leg of it’s journey, then dings open. The cube farm is empty and Mike can’t help but utter: “Whoa! Wait, did I miss an apocalypse? Where is everyone?”
“You know, for someone with a freak brain, you manage to forget everything important,” Rachel says, but it sounds less harsh than it could have been. It’s still awkward between them, but they’re getting back to where they were.