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He could feel the vibration somewhere near his head, that's what pulled him out of his sleep. He didn't want to wake up just yet, it had been so long since he overslept. Slept at all. He grabbed his phone with his eyes still closed, stumbling a couple of times. And eyes still firm shut he managed to switch off the alarm.
He wanted to chase sleep a little longer.
"This isn't fair! You nag so much when I oversleep and look at you!"
He smiled at the voice, maybe sleep could wait. He could hear the pout in Tadashi's voice and he stretched around the bed searching for the body but frowned when he realized he was alone in the bed. Cold and lonely.
"Come back and cuddle me!" His eyes were still closed as he patted the space in front of him in frustration. Tadashi laughed, that carefree loud laugh Kei loved so much. It made him feel warm all over. He had been so tired lately, he missed this so much.
He wished he could bottle up that laugh and listen to it a bit longer.
"It's almost noon Kei." The pout was still there "Come on! You said you'll finally wash the dishes and look at that laundry pile. I know you didn't eat dinner last night but I can't make anything for you because there's no food left"
"There's some cereal." Kei tried to argue back, although he knew he had already lost this fight. He extended his arms towards the direction of their bedside table, trying to grab his glasses.
"The milk went bad" the voice a little closer now. Right above his head "Come on Kei! Get up! Get up! Get up!" As if he could ever say no to Tadashi. So he put his glasses on and opened his eyes.
And there he was, the love of his life. Smiling gently as he sat down beside Kei. Tadashi always had a serious case of bed head in the morning. And Kei remembers the first time Tadashi had stayed over when they were kids and he had laughed his guts off when Tadashi woke up with a bird's nest for his hair. He still has that picture in his wallet.
Tadashi looked at him, giving him a lazy smile. Kei's eyes gravitated towards the freckles under the moss green eyes, they always looked better in the daylight (although they had a different charm under the moonlight too). When they were in high school, Kei used to drag his fingers over them, connecting them one-by-one, trying to imitate constellations. He wished he could do it more often.
Kei tried to drag Tadashi back to bed, but the brunette was quick and sprang back before Kei could lay a finger on him. He looked at Kei in amusement and then shook his head with a smile, a little blush over his cheeks.
"Kei" Tadashi called. This time a little firm, but Kei could hear the hint of fondness too.
"Alright!" Kei exclaimed in defeat, he knew he would've lost anyway he just wanted to drag it out a little bit. Bickering with Tadashi always felt a little domestic, he wanted to make it last a bit longer. But the blinding grin on Tadashi's face when he got out of the bed was a reward too, Kei had long accepted the fact that he was whipped or a simp or whatever Yachi kept calling him, because Kei could never deny Tadashi.
Kei followed Tadashi to the kitchen, leftover sleep still clinging to his eyes. There was the pungent smell of stale air that hung around the apartment. When they first moved into the apartment, Tadashi had complained so much about not having enough windows. Kei never saw windows as important until the apartment started feeling stuffy. Tadashi was the one who opened the lone window of their apartment wide and dust the apartment to get the smell out, Kei had to hear two hour worth of complaining in the process.
"So are you going to wash the dishes first? Or buy food?" Tadashi asked, swinging his legs from where he sat on the kitchen counter.
"Why do I have to do everything?" Kei walked over to the freckled man. Tadashi's neck looked so inviting, he just wanted to bury his face there and cuddle him all day.
"Because I'm tired of doing it all the time. And you never help." Tadashi complained while watching Kei stumble towards him, mind still a bit foggy with sleep.
"Fine" Kei stated in defeat, he reached over to cup Tadashi's face but the brunette ducked the moment the hand came close.
"No chance Mister" Tadashi said, wagging his finger in warning. His bangs falling over his eyes as he shook his hair. The sight made Kei's heart skip a beat and he couldn’t fight the smile that spilled over his lips.
" 'Dashi come on! One kiss and I'll get to work." He took a step towards the freckled man but Tadashi hopped off the counter and took a couple of steps away from Kei with a mischievous grin.
"Nope! You and I both know I won't be able to resist after just one kiss. So no kisses or cuddles until you finish all the chores" Tadashi giggled and Kei's heart twisted a little, he had missed this so much.
"Isn’t that a little mean?" Tsukishima turned back to get the rubber gloves from the shelf "How about one kiss after each task? Like a reward system."
"Nope" Came the reply. Kei gasped dramatically as he looked over his shoulder at his boyfriend. Tadashi laughed at Kei's expression.
While Kei washed the months worth of dishes Tadashi came back to his seat on the counter. Kei felt a surge of forgotten happiness when Tadashi started singing.
"You want to go outside? Why? Rapunzel look at you as fragile as a flower~" It was always endearing to listen to Tadashi sing with sincerity. When Tadashi first saw the movie he couldn't stop rambling about it to Kei, how he took a liking to Rapunzel and how she saw all the positives in everything around her. And then Tangled became Tadashi's comfort movie, Kei could never figure out what was in that movie that made Tadashi watch it over and over and not be bored by it. But it made Tadashi happy and Tadashi made him happy, so he never brought that up. Kei just played along with it when Tadashi would randomly say a dialogue out loud or would sing the song. He remembers the ride back home from his brother's wedding, Tadashi did a Tangled concert where he sang all the songs on the top of his lungs, he also forced Kei into duetting 'I see the Light' with him and the proceeded to call him a sap when Kei replaced the 'she' in the song with a 'he'.
Kei wished he could listen to Tadashi sing more often.
"I can hear your stomach growl from here" Tadashi giggled, but the giggle turned into a squeal when Kei flicked water at him. "Keeeeeii"
"This is what you get from depriving me from my kisses" Kei turned back to scrub the pan.
"Should I make a shopping list?" Tadashi asked, hopping down from the platform.
"No I already have one" Kei turned to look at the piece of paper stuck on the refrigerator with an argentinosaurus magnet (a birthday gift from Tadashi). It was a two page long list, written in Akiteru’s sloppy and illegible handwriting. Kei had been putting it off for an entire month. Buying groceries had always been Tadashi's domain.
Kei frowned at the memory of how the shopping list ended up on the refrigerator, he didn't want to think about it. At least not today.
"Will you get me my matcha pocky?"
"Not until you finish the ones in your cupboard"
"They are finished!" The pout made another appearance and Kei couldn't help the chuckle. In the beginning Tadashi's pout could make him do anything but the more Tadashi used it the more immune Kei became of it, and now all Kei wanted to do was to squish the freckled cheeks between his hands and make the pout bigger.
"So you're telling me if I go open the cupboard I won't find 15 unopened pocky boxes?" Kei looked back when he didn't get any reply. Tadashi was giving him his puppy eyes (the tactic he used when his pout didn’t work. the one he used to get everything he wanted). Apparently Kei was still not immune from this one, he sighed as he took his rubber gloves off. "I don't understand this weird obsession of yours. What is the point of buying them when you don't eat them?"
"Will you get one or not?!" Tadashi asked, his voice rising a tone higher.
Kei remembered that one time when Hinata forgot Tadashi's birthday and bought a basket filled with matcha pocky as an apology. And Tadashi had told Hinata that it was the best gift he ever received, better than Kei's gift of a trip to Disneyland.
Kei looked at the hopeful expression on Tadashi’s face. He could never deny him anything anyway.
"Yes" He sighed in defeat "I’ll get your stupid pocky"
-X-
After Kei had showered he had to hunt for partially clean clothes he could wear from the laundry basket. Tadashi sat on the couch cross legged, watching him search for his car keys. The shopping list tucked in his jeans pocket and a giant bag of laundry waiting by the front door.
"What about a kiss before I leave?" Kei asked hopefully.
"Nope" Tadashi shook his head with a dopey smile, his bangs falling over his eyes again.
Tadashi had always liked his hair longer. It started with his admiration of how lovely Aashi-san's hair looked and then he wanted to grow his hair out to see if he could get them as glossy. He couldn’t, but he still kept them long.
Kei remembered the day when Tadashi came to his house after the summer break, hair gently brushing over his shoulders. He looked breathtaking. Kei likes to think that that was the day when he realized he was in love with Tadashi. But falling for Tadashi had always been a slow process filled with different memories woven together in a tight knot.
His heart stirred again looking at Tadashi. It felt like his heart would burst any moment. His mind went back to the ring sitting at the bottom of his closet but he stopped the thought right there. He was not going to think about the ring. Not today.
When he was out of his apartment (without his car keys) he let that empty feeling inside settle. The fatigue, the pain, the dread he had been keeping locked up inside him burst out of his chest. He could hear the voices, some gentle, some of them hard and cold, some filled with grief, some filled with concern. All telling him things he didn't want to hear. With great difficulties he pushed all of the thoughts back into the little box in the corner of his mind.
The main reason he was putting off buying groceries (or getting out of his apartment in general) was the prospect of meeting any of his neighbors. He didn’t know if he had the energy to deal with their concerns and their list of condoling questions. He thought he might just get away with it when he dropped the last batch of clothes in the washing machine, without meeting anyone. Maybe it was his lucky day.
But he was wrong.
The first thing he heard was the loud wailing of a child and then a soothing voice trying to calm the kid, then the familiar stench of artificial lavender reached his nose. Kei cursed his luck, of all the neighbors it had to be the nosy gossip queen.
"Tsukishima-san! What a surprise to see you here!" He had always hated Minaho-san’s booming voice, it was so loud and piercing that he sometimes feared that ears might bleed out.
The last time he saw Minaho Ono was two months ago and he could tell she had gained weight. Her rosy cheeks were now sagging a little, Kei blamed the constant shriek of laughter . She had her youngest draped over her right hip and a basket full of laundry wedged in the other.
Despite Kei’s clear dislike for the neighbor, Tadashi loved talking to Minaho-san. He claimed that she was a sweet lady under all that judgment. And besides, she gave them free food sometimes. Kei remembered that one time she fell down the stairs and Tadashi made Kei carry her three flights of stairs, because the elevator was broken, and the entire time she was trying to calm a frantic Tadashi. He can still remember the loud "It’s just a tiny sprain Yamaguchi-kun. Don't worry, I'll be back up in no time" (It wasn’t a tiny sprain, she had dislocated her spine) ringing in his ears. She had recovered from that pretty quickly but it had taken Kei a week to recover from his back pain.
"How are you?" She asked between consoling her still wailing daughter. Kei closed the washing machine door with a little more force.
"I’m fine" He dismissed the question as quickly as it came. He just needed to set the timer and he could leave.
"How is-" There it was, the friendly enquiry laced with worry.
"Everything is fine!" he snapped, the child’s wails turned into scared shrieks. If Tadashi was here, he would’ve made Kei apologize for the outburst. But Tadashi wasn’t there. So Kei left. The guilt seeped into his veins when he was out of the building.
He let the cold wind wash the feeling away. Maybe he would let the park distract him from the ache.
They went on so many dates in that park. They celebrated their 10 year anniversary there too. The park was right next to the apartment building and sometimes Tadashi would go there when he was feeling sad and would watch the kids play (not in a creepy way, mind you).
They even had a picnic with the rest of the first years in that park. Even though everyone still kept in touch it was difficult for all of them to be in one place at the same time. So when Shoyo came back from Brazil, Yachi suggested they all meet up for the sake of old times. It was difficult at first, with Tobio and Kei’s volleyball practice and Yachi and Tadashi’s semester exams. But they made it work somehow.
Kei doesn’t want to admit it but he counted that little picnic as one of the happiest moments in his life, with Yachi’s baked muffin and the pork bun from Sakanoshita Market (Yes. Tadashi drove all the way to Miyagi to get them ). Until the idiot duo decided to ruin the night by fighting over the extra milk carton and promptly spilling the contents all over the food.
Kei and Tadashi had made so many memories in that park.
Kei remembers sitting alongside his brother on the swing. Akiteru tried to see how high he could swing while Kei ranted his worries to him.
"He would love you no matter what you do. I don’t understand why you can’t see it" was what his older brother kept telling him.
Kei watched a little boy fall and scrape his knee "Just talk to him Kei" He watched the boy whimper in pain as he looked at his bloody knee, Akiteru’s voice still echoing in his head. He watched as a girl rushed over to the crying boy and tried to calm him down. She wiped the tears off his face and coaxed him into standing up. Kei made his decision then. He had bought that ring in a hurry. Afraid that if he didn’t do anything soon, Tadashi would slip out of his hands.
Kei proposed to Tadashi in that same park. Now he wished he could come here with Tadashi more often
-X-
Kei regrets not taking the car to buy groceries, his hands were sore from carrying heavy bags as he walked back on the familiar path. Whenever Kei got a little angsty after a lost match Tadashi would drag him out of the apartment for a walk. And when Kei had calmed down relatively, Tadashi would silently suggest taking a detour and they would always end up in the snack store buying a new flavor of pocky (the original reason for the walk).
The bell dinged over his head when he pushed the shop door open. Kei and Tadashi had been there so many times in the last 15 years that the store owner now recognized them by their name, and somehow Tadashi had pursued the store owner to even hand deliver at their apartment (or maybe everyone was just whipped for Yamaguchi Tadashi).
"Welcome! Oh Tsukishima-san! It’s been so long I thought you guys moved" The owner was a bald man in his mid forties, with a beer belly. The store wasn’t a popular spot, Kei believed Tadashi was the only customer he got in weeks. That might’ve been the reason for an entire shelf dedicated for pocky, which wasn’t there 15 years ago.
"We didn’t" Kei replied, he walked over to the back of the store where he knew the pocky sticks were. The store owner tried to ask more questions but Kei tuned everything down.
"How's the husband? I haven’t seen him in quite a long time" The owner asked when Kei placed the matcha flavored pocky on the counter, it was Tadashi’s favorite. After a minute of uncomfortable silence the owner took the hint and quietly scanned the snack.
Kei thought about the cuddles waiting for him at home as he added the snack in the already massive pile of groceries. He could have miso ramen for lunch and maybe catch up with the anime Tadashi was watching these days. The prospect of soft kisses eased the ache Kei was feeling.
But it was still there, the ache inside him. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact place it hurt, maybe it was his entire body. Or maybe it was just his heart.
-X-
He knew something was wrong the moment he opened the apartment door. A breeze of cold air graced him with the stale smell. The windows were wide open.
Cobalt blue eyes stared back at him from the sofa.
"What are you doing here?" Kei asked the unwanted guest. His heart had started racing. He wasn’t ready.
He wasn't.
He just wasn't. Not today.
He just wasn't ready.
"Shoyo asked me to check up on you" Tobio followed him back to the kitchen. Frosty blue eyes piercing his back as he deposited the groceries over the kitchen counter. Kei could feel his heart beat rapidly. Tobio was the worst person who could show up. Akiteru, he could handle. Yachi and Shoyo were easy to distract. Tobio came straight to business.
"I’m fine. You can go back now" He was fine. That's what he told everyone. When they asked how he was doing. If he was eating. If they asked about work. When they asked Kei about him . He was fine, he would reply every time. Because he was. He was absolutely fine.
"Your coach called" Tobio’s voice felt far away in his head "You haven’t shown up to practice."
Kei took no notice of the 188cm long man in his kitchen and started arranging the groceries. The kitchen looked different, vacant and lonesome.
"Your brother called too, he’s worried about you"
"I don’t understand why everyone keeps worrying. I said I’m fine" Kei opened the cabinet where Tadashi kept his snacks and deposited the pocky he brought earlier.
It stood there, alone in the empty cupboard.
"Kei, he said you haven’t been to any of your therapy sessions. And you refuse to take meds"
The ache creeped out of his heart and unfurled itself all over his body. He just wanted one day. One day, where he didn’t need to worry about the reality. Where he could just be happy again. Where he didn't need to think about what happened.
"Kei" The tone was a lot gentler than Tobio usually used "It’s been six month. You need to move on."
The pain was too much, Kei couldn’t handle it anymore. He felt his eyes prickle with tears as the cavity in his heart grew in size. He wanted to hear it again, Tadashi’s soothing voice bringing him gently back to reality. He wanted Tadashi.
"Kei" It wasn’t Tadashi. There was a hand on his shoulder.
He could hear Tobio talk but the words never reached him. He was drowning in the pain. The tears were now spilling down from his eyes but he didn’t have the energy to wipe them away. All he could do was stare at the green pocky box, mocking him.
It played in front of his eyes without his permission, the memories he tried so hard to forget.
There was a lot of screaming that day. Tadashi had once told him that he didn't like raising his voice on anyone. But that day he screamed.
Screamed at Kei.
Kei can't remember what they were fighting about. He only remembers the screaming.
Tadashi always got teary when he got angry. And there were streaks running down his freckled cheeks. He looked at Kei with so much anger, for a second Kei was scared to even look at his husband. The apartment was unusually warm. Kei felt suffocated like everything was closing around him, obscuring his vision. The argument was escalating and something in his head was hurting, as if someone had pricked a needle into his brain, and everything was oozing out.
Kei had said something he shouldn’t have. Tadashi had taken his wedding ring out and threw it right at Kei. It hit his shoulder, and landed on the floor with a tiny clink. Tadashi had said something else to him, this time with a quiver in his voice. And then he stormed out. Kei can still remember that loud bang and the silence after that.
Kei had been angry too. So angry that he kicked the ring and it slid under the sofa. So angry that when he got a call from Tadashi he didn't pick up. So angry that he didn't pick the other 11 calls either.
He took a shower to cool off, washing away all the anger he had felt. When he came back there were more missed calls on his phone. A couple more from Tadashi, two from his brother and one each from Shoyo and Yachi.
And then Tobio was at his door. Kei had expected him to be angry, to shout at him. But there was no anger in Tobio’s face, just tears in his eyes and blood on his t-shirt.
"I’m so sorry Kei" That’s all he offered, before driving Kei to the hospital.
To the bloody mess of his husband.
To the love of his life. Who was gone forever.
Once, that’s all Kei was asking for. He just wanted to hear Tadashi one last time. He just wanted to tell Tadashi how much he loved him one last time. He wished Tadashi could stay with him just a little longer. Just so he could hold him one last time.