Chapter Text
Romulus slowed his light jog to a stop near the edge of the treeline. He had been patrolling the forest, but he let his mind wander and ended up unconsciously following a familiar scent of hay, cinnamon, and something else he couldn’t quite identify. His ears pricked as they picked up the soft strains of a sung melody from behind a large oak a short distance away. The harmonious chords of a lute blended with the voice and drifted gently toward him on the light breeze. For a few moments, he simply listened, mesmerized by the serenity of the music.
With a soft rippling sound, Romulus was replaced by Logan, as if a cloak had been thrown off and fluttered to the ground. As he stepped out from the forest, he saw the way the late afternoon sunshine brought out the fiery tones of Gan’s hair, loose about her shoulders and now long from Felicity’s potion. She was no longer singing, but her slender fingers still plucked the strings and periodically settled in different positions along the neck of the instrument, continuing to skillfully draw the song from the old lute she must have borrowed from Cauponi.
“You play and sing very well,” Logan offered, his ears already starting to warm.
“Thank you.” Gan didn’t even look up at him, seeming unsurprised by his sudden appearance. “You don’t have to hide while you shift, you know.”
Logan crossed his arms, frowning slightly. “I usually make an effort to avoid shifting in front of other people.”
“Yes, but I’ve already seen you shift.” Gan finally looked up at him. “So why does it matter if you shift in front of me?”
~~~
For a moment, Gan thought Logan might turn around and leave the way he came. Instead, he sighed heavily and sat down beside her with his back to the wide tree. He extended one leg and looped his arms around the one still close to his chest. Gan began playing another song and waited patiently for what he would say, not wanting to interrupt his thoughts or cause him to change his mind about talking to her about it.
Logan inhaled deeply and let his gaze settle across the hayfield, then began speaking. “Even if it wasn’t a secret, shifting in front of anyone else would be uncomfortable. Romulus and I are two separate identities, and it would encourage you to start thinking that we’re the same if you watch me shift. You might stop separating the two in your mind, and that could lead to an unfortunate situation with Romulus.” He turned to look at her, surprising her with the worry in his eyes. “I wouldn’t want to risk you getting hurt as a result of my complacency and Romulus acting beyond my control.”
Gan considered him thoughtfully. “I’ve wondered how separate the two really are. How much better would it be to embrace Romulus as a part of Logan rather than spending so much energy keeping the two separate?” Her fingers stilled on the strings for a few seconds before she continued playing. “It might even make it easier to stay in control.”
One glance at Logan’s expression told her exactly how insane he found that line of thinking. “Ever since we were young, Father taught us to dissociate from our dogs. He must have had a reason for that.”
Gan’s eyes met his briefly. “It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve questioned your father’s judgment lately.”
“Sometimes–” Logan started. “Sometimes the baser instincts of the dogs lead to things we’d rather not dwell on in our human forms.”
Gan abruptly stopped playing, gripping the lute as if it was an anchor that could keep her firmly in the present while the waves of her past memories threatened to tear apart her fragile peace. She pictured a calm, smooth lake, and the waters of her mind began to still. The heat of a large, solid hand on her shoulder further anchored her to the shade of a tree in Soulford rather than a party in Wyrmstead. Her hands slowly relaxed their death grip on the borrowed lute.
Gan looked into Logan’s eyes and said sadly, “I can understand not wanting to dwell on the results of baser instincts.”
For once, Logan didn’t look like he wanted to ask her questions about her past. He just let the hand that was on her shoulder slip down her arm until his fingers could wrap around hers. That gentle yet firm contact was enough to offer the comfort she knew he couldn’t put into words. Slowly, he replied, “Then you can understand why I want to keep Romulus separate from Logan.”
“I can, but Genevieve is still part of me, whether I want to acknowledge it or not.” When Logan didn’t reply, Gan gave his fingers a gentle squeeze and then pulled her hand out of his. She began playing a new song on the lute and humming along.
~~~
As Logan listened to Gan play, he thought about what she said about keeping Romulus separate from himself. Though he didn’t want to admit it, he had questioned his father’s rationale for dissociating from the dogs before. Never out loud, of course, but he had thoughts nearly identical to Gan’s line of questioning in the past. In his mind, he had poked, prodded, and examined every time he felt in control and every time he lost control as Romulus, from the first time he killed a wild animal, to his first forced shift, to shifting back as he tackled Andrew in the forest. If Romulus wasn’t a part of him, then why was Logan still aware and in some semblance of control in his dog form? If Romulus is a part of him, then why were there times when Logan lost control to the dog’s instincts?
The line between dog and man had blurred more times than he cared to consider, especially where Gan was concerned. His fierce protectiveness of her, the bloodlust toward Andrew when he thought he had hurt her, the borderline visceral knowledge of when she was near, and the automatic search for her upon entering a crowd were one and the same in dog and man. He had tried to convince himself otherwise and blame the feelings on Romulus, but he knew that to be a lie as surely as he knew Cody was his twin. Logan cared for Gan–more than cared for her, if he was honest with himself. Romulus’s similar feelings confused him, but maybe Gan was right about them not being all that separate.
Realizing that the music had stopped, Logan turned to see Gan watching him curiously. He wondered if he missed her asking him something. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes. You were just worlds away for a bit there.” Gan smiled and nudged his shoulder. “Whatever you were thinking about must not have been too bad because you were barely scowling.”
Logan laughed, glad that Gan couldn’t read his thoughts. Seeing how low the sun hung in the sky, he said, “I have to get back to patrolling now, or I won’t make it back in time for dinner. Don’t stay out here too late.”
Gan rolled her eyes. “I won’t.”
Logan reached for her and placed a quick kiss on her forehead. He pulled away, but he let his thumb brush over the slight scar on her temple from the night in the forest before he returned his hand to his side. “Thank you for letting me join you this afternoon.”
“You’re welcome.” Gan looked at him with wide eyes and a flush quickly spreading across her cheeks. “I enjoyed the company.”
“Me too.” With that, Logan stood and walked back into the woods, feeling more peaceful than he had in ages. And he was looking forward to the next time Gan borrowed Cauponi’s lute.