Chapter Text
"Hey, Tweek, is this stuff good?" Craig asked his roommate as he handed him a coffee sampler set.
The two of them were in their local supermarket. They were currently in the beverage aisle as Craig looked into different coffee sampler sets with curiosity that Tweek had never seen him directed on coffee before.
"Not really," Tweek said as he turned the box around to check it.
"Are there any chances that some of this is really, really good?" Craig extended his arm along all the coffee displayed on the aisle.
Tweek raised his brow at Craig in a silent question. His roommate did not drink coffee. Craig even had the decency to fake a gag when Tweek offered him a freshly brewed cup made with the finest beans. Tweek gave Craig an odd look as he tried to decipher what was on the other guy’s mind.
"We have better ones at the apartment," Tweek said as he handed back the box to Craig, not fond of the particular brand Craig had given him.
"But those came all the way from Italy, so that's no brainer, you coffee snob."
Tweek raised a brow at the jab. Someone was in a bad mood.
"I grew up in a coffeehouse. What do you expect?"
Craig rolled his eyes at Tweek's answer. He returned the box to the shelf. He fiddled with another coffee sampler, rocking the box with his index finger. Craig did not have a clue if any of these taste good. He was certain all of these tasted like shit.
"Can you recommend which one I should get?" Craig said as he looked back at his roommate. "Stan's birthday will be next week."
"You're getting Stan a gift?"
"Yeah."
"But you don't like Stan."
Craig rolled his eyes again at Tweek. Of course, he hated Stan. Hell could freeze over while the devils wore tutus as they skate on the frozen underground before he could start considering liking that man.
"You're not seeing my actual intention here," Craig started. "So here's the plan. That bonehead only drinks the garbage coffee in the office."
"Someone drinks that crap?" Tweek asked, aghast.
Tweek wrinkled his nose, a frown on his face. The coffee in their workplace tasted like grass marinated in battery acid. Its earthy flavor was too much. Tweek was even convinced soil was deliberately added as an additive in the office’s coffee mix. And the acidity of that thing. He didn't want to start a discussion about that.
"Yeah, so I need him to have a finer taste in life," Craig said with a wicked grin.
Tweek's lip twitched at that. He finally had an idea of what his friend's wicked plan was all about. Tweek moved to stand beside Craig, their arms almost touching as he examined the choices that their local grocery offered. His eyes roamed up and down the shelf.
"You're a meanie. You're going to hook Stan on great coffee so he would not have a choice but to go buy himself one.”
Tweek looked at Craig from the corner of his eye. Tweek shook his head at Craig when the man smiled at him in glee.
"You have it all figured out." Craig chuckled like a child proud that someone recognized his master plan. “Once he realized how shit the coffee in the office is, he could never go back to that stuff."
“So you’re trying to get him hooked on the finer things in life, huh?” Tweek snorted as he reached over the top shelf to get the samples up there. “Don’t you want him to just continue to suffer from the garbage coffee in the office?”
Craig automatically reached for what Tweek was trying to get as the blonde stood on his tiptoes to grab the box. Craig easily retrieved the box and handed it to Tweek.
“Man, I told you he doesn’t have an idea that it is garbage. How can I make him suffer when he enjoys drinking shit coffee?”
“Touche.”
“He needs to know the good stuff so he could spend thousands of dollars on coffee.”
Tweek raised his brow at Craig, lightly jabbing him at the side.
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Who are you kidding? You’re getting your coffee grounds from your parents’ shop for free. Your coffee machine is even an old one from your shop,” Craig said with a roll of his eyes.
Tweek chuckled at Craig’s answer. He eyed the coffee samples once again as he shook his head. He handed back the box to Craig and Craig absentmindedly returned it up on the upper shelf for Tweek.
“Are any of these promising?”
“Not really. It's good, but I think it will not convince Stan to change his mind about shitty coffee,” Tweek said with a sigh. Tweek crossed his arms, tapping his fingers in thought. “Though, if you really want to hook and sinker Stan and make a hole in his pockets with it, I could share some of my coffee blends with you.”
“Seriously?”
“Not for free, though.”
“Duh, of course, nothing in this world is free,” Craig said matter-of-factly. “Especially your superior and expensive coffee blend that you hand-ground yourself with beans that came all the way from Italy. I wish my mom would also send me expensive stuff all the time.”
“Now, you’re really making fun of me, dude. You're such a dick.” Tweek said with a chuckle. “I'm an only child. You try being an only child, then tell me it's great.” Tweek pushed their cart, moving on from the beverage aisle.
"Dude, it's not like I can ask Tricia to revert to an egg cell and a sperm cell, and cease to exist." Craig chuckled as he grinned widely at Tweek. “So, how much will I owe you?”
“Your life.”
“I don’t know that I’m going to make a deal with a devil.”
“Oh, we will not get along if we’re not both devils,” Tweek teased. “Birds of the same feather flock together, right?”
Craig rolled his eyes once again at Tweek.
“You’re as bad as your dad.”
“At least, I also inherited my dad’s hairline,” Tweek replied in a heartbeat.
“Dick.” Craig unconsciously ran his fingers through his hair. “Is my hair receding already?”
“I’ll get you a mirror so you can check for yourself. Maybe Minodoxil too.”
“Fuck you.”
Tweek laughed as he flipped Craig off.
Craig flipped Tweek back with both of his hands. He grumbled under his breath. Slightly annoyed to be the butt of the joke. He retrieved his chullo from his back pocket and put it on. He had thick, luscious hair years ago and he was mad that his hair was thinning down. Fuck genetics.
The two of them continue to shop together silently. Picking snacks and other items and placing them in their cart, resuming their usual routine while grocery shopping.
“Seriously, though, how much will I owe you for the coffee blend?” Craig asked as they rounded the corner. He automatically snatched the cart from Tweek when he saw it was already half-filled with groceries.
“I don’t know, you could pay for this week’s groceries and we’re good,” Tweek said. He smirked at Craig as the other man raised his brow at him. “What? As you said, the beans came all the way from Italy and I ground it myself. That costs money, you know.”
“Okay fine. Just make sure Stan will be hooked on the fancy life.”
They finally made their way into the produce section. Tweek instantly grabbed two boxes of strawberries and a box of blueberries for Craig.
“Of course. I got my coffee all figured out, you know,” Tweek said. “Anyway, any request for dinner?” Tweek asked as he checked the vegetables.
“Spaghetti and meatballs?”
“Okay. Anything else?”
“Hmmm, I like those Sicilian pizzas you make,” Craig said.
“That will partner so well with some beer,” Tweek agreed as he gathered the fresh ingredients he needed for those recipes. “I’ll make those for dinner.”
Craig's eyes glittered with delight. He loved Tweek’s home cooking more than anything.
"Can we also have some brownies?" Craig asked.
"Aren't you pushing it?" Tweek glared at Craig.
"Hey, it's not like I'm asking for strawberry shortcake and I'm paying for this," Craig said with a smile as he gestured at their cart. "Don't you think I deserve that? You also made the best brownie in town. Please? "
"Oh, don't play with me, Tucker. That puppy blue eyes might work on anyone else, but they will not work on me."
Craig stared into Tweek, widening his blue eyes more. Tweek could only roll his eyes in defeat.
“Ugh, fine. I’m only making one because you’re paying.”
“Sure,” Craig said with a satisfied smirk. Tweek never let him down.
It had been a while since the two came home. The groceries are neatly stacked in the fridge and the pantry while the Tweek and Craig lounge in their small living room. Tweek was playing on his laptop while waiting for a client zoom call while Craig sat beside him, busy scrolling on his phone.
“Do you think I can find a boyfriend on this dating app?” Craig asked Tweek as he opened the dating app he installed a few days ago.
He had seen it while mindlessly scrolling on Instagram. It was a dating app that relies on personality and interest more than on physical traits. To say that Craig was curious was an understatement. He downloaded it for fun, not really expecting anything from it.
“Maybe,” Tweek absently replied, engrossed in his game
Craig glanced at Tweek’s laptop screen as Tweek’s small character with a mask jumped over and slashed one of the two mantis-like enemies.
“You're seriously playing that with just your keyboard? You have a controller, right?”
“Can’t find it.”
Crag rolled his eyes at Tweek. He stared at his phone and the dating app home screen stared back at him. He mindlessly scrolled through the app as Tweek cursed under his breath while playing his game. The upbeat battle music of the game played in the background. Its rising crescendo matched the fervent clack of Tweek's keyboard.
Craig lazily flicked through the suggested profile on the app. The match rates were too low for his liking. Chocolatelizard appeared to be promising with a 75% match rate, but Craig would trust no one with that kind of username.
He was about to close the app when he swiped one last time. Craig blinked as he stared at the match rate, then at the username of his match.
“Oh wow, 96% match? Are these numbers legit?” Craig muttered as he opened his match’s profile.
“What?”
“I’ve got a match and we’re 96% matched,” Craig explained, a silly smile plastered on his face.
His match likes coffee, red racer, space and aircraft. If not for the coffee, Craig had a gut feeling that their match rate would be higher.
“Are you sure that’s not like 69%?”
Craig slapped Tweek’s forearm as he chuckled. It appeared like Tweek was spending too much time with Clyde these days.
“What are you, ten?”
“Yes, mom.”
Craig flipped Tweek off even though he knew Tweek wouldn't notice since he was engrossed in his game. Craig averted his attention once again to his phone. The 96% match rate stared back at him. That was just like a sign from heaven that this guy was a catch. His heartbeat raced. Craig knew it was a silly app with its silly compatibility rate, but it was good to know that someone matched him that high. Call him a hopeless romantic, but what if it is something like that?
“I’m sure espressolover17 is much more mature than you.”
“What?”
“Do you think he would do a face reveal when I messaged him?”
“No, Craig," Tweek whipped his head to look at him, completely disregarding his game. "What’s his username again?”
“Espressolover17”
At the same time, Tweek’s phone chimed with a notification.
“It’s a match!”