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Words.
Words had been the only thing on Yaz’s mind since that conversation with Dan.
Words to explain to the Doctor what was in her heart. Words to explain how she felt. Words that would change things forever between them.
There was room for little else in Yaz’s brain.
And yet she still didn’t know which words she needed. Still she didn’t know how to talk to the Doctor about the emotional turmoil raging within her.
And she was also afraid. So very, very afraid. Afraid of putting those words out there, where they could never be taken back. Afraid of what it would mean about her. Afraid of what it would mean to the Doctor and how she would react.
Every time Dan so much as glanced her way, she heard his words in her head: “Just tell her!” She wanted to shout at him “I don’t know how! Please tell me the words to use!” but she couldn’t. Instead, the thought whirled within her head as she continued to try and find the right words for the Doctor.
“We all say lots of things we don’t mean!” The Doctor’s words didn’t help. She had felt there was more weight behind them than she knew, but she didn’t understand why. Words had meaning and words had power, so perhaps her inability to come up with the ones she needed right now were related to the fact that she felt wildly out of control and powerless. The emotions she had suppressed within herself for so long, had kept pushed down as deep as she could, were raging like a storm inside her and it was terrifying. And exciting? Yes, so intoxicatingly exciting, and she didn’t understand this, either.
She had emerged from the wardrobe hall, leaving Dan struggling with his outfit, and found the Doctor back in the control room, already bouncing around the console. As she looked up to see Yaz enter, she faltered – just for a moment. But enough for Yaz to notice. Something else for her floundering brain to try and make sense of.
“Nice coat…” was as much as Yaz could offer right now. She had been surprised to see the Doctor make any concession at all to the time and place at which they had arrived, but the rich blue of the coat she had chosen, splashed with crimson flowers, was somehow right. Yaz found her mind wondering what she was wearing underneath it and quickly slammed the door on that line of thought. The last thing she needed right now was those kind of distracting visions running through her brain. The ones that would drift into her mind when she lay in bed on the edge of sleep, when her conscious control of her feelings was lost and left her breathless.
“Thanks,” the Doctor returned, turning properly this time to face Yaz. “You look… good…” Yaz fancied she could hear the brief pause in the Doctor’s speech louder than the words and felt involuntary goosebumps rise on her skin. The silence as they looked at one another felt heavy between them, like some kind of language the TARDIS could not translate.
Then the Doctor started into action and flicked a switch on the console, clearing her throat slightly. “Shall we take a look?”
She led the way to the doors and pulled them open, and they both gasped at what they saw. Whatever either of them had been expecting, it was not the sight that met them. They had clearly landed under the ocean, the protective air bubble the TARDIS maintained allowing them a view few people would ever be afforded. Soft light diffused from far above through the water, creating unearthly hues that blended and merged together as shoals of fish circled lazily.
Yet even as they both looked out at the surreal beauty, Yaz found her eyes drawn to something immeasurably more beautiful to her as she turned to gaze at the Doctor. She was still lost in the sights beyond, whilst Yaz could only see the impossible woman standing so close, as if there was nothing else in the universe.
Almost like she could feel Yaz looking at her, the Doctor turned and spoke so softly, so quietly, it was barely audible. “What?” And words just didn’t seem enough. In that moment, Yaz knew there would never be words that could adequately convey the intense surge of feelings that rushed through her as the Doctor’s eyes met hers. There was only one thing she could do, and she could not have stopped herself if she’d tried.
Her whole body trembled as she leant forward and brushed her lips against the Doctor’s in a kiss. Her eyes closed and just for a moment, her mind was clear of the struggle for words as all of her love and fear, her uncertainty and confusion, her need and desire was spoken through this tentative kiss. Her lips speaking not in audible language but a soundless one of heat and touch and a single tear that fell down her cheek.
And then the realisation of what she was doing took over, her eyes opened and she stepped back, her eyes wide in fear, unable to read the Doctor’s expression and believing she could only be horrified by what Yaz had just done. The only thing she could do was to turn and flee into the depths of the TARDIS, find some hidden, secret place where she could burn in shame.
A hand grabbed hers and stopped her, forcing her to turn back and meet the Doctor’s gaze once again. She tried not to drown in eyes which could surely see into every part of her heart and mind.
This time the Doctor pulled her close, wrapped her arms tightly around her and kissed her with such fierceness that it shut down every higher function of Yaz’s brain until there was only the Doctor holding her, kissing her, owning her and protecting her. If Yaz’s kiss had been filled in equal parts with both her love and her fear, the Doctor’s kiss spoke only of longing, craving, yearning and desperation. The intense passion set Yaz’s entire being on fire and finally, after the universe had burned away and time had lost all meaning, the Doctor pulled back just fractionally, just enough to part their lips and fill the space that was barely there with their heavy breaths.
Yaz took a deep breath and whispered against the Doctor’s mouth, “I think there’s something I need to say…”
But the Doctor hushed her with a fleeting kiss and replied, “No words.” And they kissed again, as if the inevitability of the future could be held at bay by the power of their love for each other.