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There is an art to maintaining the kind of image Millie wishes to convey to the world, and she had spent years in solitude perfecting it.
It starts like this: She was a normal girl, and out of nowhere, she became a monster. Simple as that. Ever since that fateful night at the stake, when she was ready to be burned in front of the world without rhyme or reason, Millie’s resolution to become everything this universe didn’t want her to be had just grown. If her mere presence was a sin in the eyes of humanity, then she would bring pain to the joyful days in the village she grew up in. Numb and angry, a black cat on her shoulder and a heart torn apart by brand new grief and magic, The Great Witch of Calamity ravaged the town like it was nothing.
That was the first time she felt it.
At some point, the vengeful drive had subsided. She stopped and looked around, debris and dust covering wooden houses and establishments she used to visit. The claws retracted from Millie’s heart, and she fell to her knees, drained and exhausted. It took half a day for her to recover her senses and start moving again. With nowhere to go, Lucie guided her to somewhere safer than here. Somewhere underground. Millie simply followed, thoughts of her old acquaintances forgotten in the distance.
That was the second time.
Millie’s life had reached a peaceful compromise in the underworld. She made herself a house using her powers, discovering the extent of her magic as she went along. There were many accidents and even more explosions than she intended, but at last, something akin to a home had been build. Millie entered and slept, and started the rest of her life. The next day, she found food. And then, she found people – visitors from many lands passed by her in the cold streets, greeting her like a friend.
But none of them ever stayed.
She found out that the underworld was a famous passage hub. No one actually made a living there. So, Millie didn’t have many friends aside from Lucie. This prompted her to spend a good time alone with her inner thoughts, lying in bed to mull it over, and over, and over, and over and over and—
That was the third time she felt it.
As it turned out, there was an emptiness inside Millie Parfait.
So, she spent every waking moment of her life running from it.
--
Until she moved to Earth and found people who actually loved her.
Then, she started having another problem entirely.
--
The trick is to fool herself enough to let others believe she’s doing okay. The obstacle is how to make that work when the friends she loves are too good at reading her. It’s increasingly difficult to keep her façade when her heart starts begging for something new for the first time in her life.
“Let’s go out tonight.” Enna tells her one afternoon.
Millie blinks, caught by surprise. “Huh?”
“You’re out of it and need to drink.”
Enna is nothing if not straightforward with her. Being her oldest friend and all, Millie doesn’t have it in her to deny her request.
“Yeah, whatever.”
They go out, and all their friends are there.
Goddammit, Enna.
--
It’s a house party, hosted by Elira herself, and it does cheer Millie up to watch her perfect little dragon friend struggle with snacks and drinks. Nina and Petra are helping the best they can, with Rosemi delegating chores because she’s good at it. The rest of the party is yelling over a videogame in the living room. Millie has her head on Reimu’s lap, laughing every time she falls to her death in the pitfall.
“Fuck off, Pomu!” Reimu groans, nearly throwing the controller at the fairy. “Let me at least be on the platform for five seconds!”
“This is revenge.” Pomu deadpans, her character moving to push Finana off the ring now. “This is also revenge.”
“No!” Finana sounds incredibly defeated.
“Yeah, get fucked, Fin— What?!” Pomu’s character slides off when someone else kicks her in the head. “Selen!”
“I got you, Finana.” Selen laughs. “I got— Oh, shit!” She nearly falls herself when Enna approaches, but dodges at the last minute. The momentum makes Enna drop from the platform instead, and Selen bursts into laughter again. “Not today!”
Another round of groans and yells, and Millie has to sit up because her stomach is hurting from laughing too much. She wipes a tear, reaching for her drink on the table. Whatever Enna handed her was strong, and she’s tipsy already.
That was good.
With snacks and beverages finally appropriately placed, the rest of the girls join them, and the ruckus increases even more. It’s all familiar to Millie now, so when she sits on someone else’s lap and isn’t pushed off, her heart tugs at its strings. A sense of belonging washes over her, and for a good hour, the emptiness is gone.
She likes it here. With the voices that envelop her like a blanket, and the warm touches of others on her waist, and the laughter surrounding her soul. Banter, conversations, jokes. A world she’s privy to.
Millie loves them.
(That was the problem.)
The high lasts for a moment, and then she’s crashing back down. It’s routine.
There’s never a warning or a reason, it just dawns on her at some point. The hollow space tucked deep within her chest climbs back up, fogging her mind. She has no one to blame for this, which frustrates her, but by now it’s like a pet parasite that she has to deal with before it gets hungrier.
“I’m going to piss,” Millie announces loudly to everyone, jumping off the couch. Someone replies to her, but she doesn’t really listen.
In the hallway, Millie nearly trips. Maybe she should ease up on the drinking. She reaches the toilet and closes the door. There is a mirror to the left, hanging above the sink, and Millie stops to look at herself.
She doesn’t really see anything when she stares at her reflection. It doesn’t startle her. Her eyes are there, and her nose, and mouth. She’s Millie, alright, but nothing else. Her brain buzzes, like static. What was she doing again? Right, toilet.
When she’s done, she washes her hands, eyes unfocused as she fights her inner battle. She tries to pick a good memory to brush the parasite out. But remembering something good makes her remember her hidden feelings, and now she’s trying to push that down, too. Two struggles for the price of one. She just wanted to be normal, sometimes.
Suddenly, someone opens the door.
“Oh! Sorry, honey, the door wasn’t locked.” Nina stops and backs out.
“No, no, I’m done. You saved me. I mean—” Millie curses herself. “Do you want to use it? The bathroom? It’s free. Free of charge and free of Millie.”
Something in that string of words is different from the others and Nina stops for a second to look at her. Millie is now in danger. Nothing ever gets past her pretend guardian.
Panicking a little, the witch tries to escape the tiny bathroom. “I’m gonna leave—”
Nina steps forward and closes the door behind them, locking them inside.
Ah, shit.
“You okay, honey?” Nina asks in a calm tone.
Suddenly, Millie is in full control again. Putting up her mask is familiar territory. “Other than a little freaked out over the fact that you’re taking me hostage inside Elira’s tiny-ass bathroom, I’m great.”
“Hmm,” Nina, however, doesn’t buy it. “You’re drunk, aren’t you?”
“No. Yes?” She grins, smugly. “Which answer will let me out of here? It’s that one.”
“How about the answer where you cut the crap and tell me why you’re sad today.”
Oh.
That she didn’t expect.
“Pardon?” Is all Millie can say without giving away her shock.
“What, you think I didn’t notice you’ve been out of it the whole night?” Nina’s serious expression melts into a soft smile, and she reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind Millie’s ear. “Come on.”
And then, it’s dangerous again. The emptiness vanishes, giving way to the other parasite plaguing her mind. The new guy, the one who grew absurdly fast ever since she came to Earth.
Millie steps back and trips on the toilet, her butt landing painfully on the lid. She snaps her eyes shut and hisses, “Ouch.”
Nina is kneeling in front of her in seconds. “Oh, god, are you okay? Did it hurt?”
Millie opens her eyes, which is a mistake, because she is drunk. She’s drunk, barely out of her slump, trying to fight the parasite of her hidden feelings, and being interrogated in that state makes all the chemicals in her demon brain crash, pushing her forward to one single decision.
Her lips land on Nina’s. It calms her racing heart for a moment when she realizes that Nina doesn’t immediately pull away.
It’s Millie who leans back again, eyes cast down. “…Sorry.”
The two seconds of silence make her want to implode, but then Nina speaks again.
“It’s alright,” Her voice is soft. She doesn’t sound angry. Millie doesn’t have the courage to look up, but a finger on her chin forces her to tilt her head up and face the consequences of her actions. “Hey, look at me, honey.”
“Don’t call me that,” Millie groans. “I just kissed you.”
“First of all, that was hardly a kiss.” Nina sounds cheeky, but still gentle. “Second, I think I’m physically incapable of not calling everyone honey, but I can try.”
That takes a genuine laugh out of Millie. “That’s fair.” She sighs, head leaning back on the wall behind her. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“Because I’m drunk and stupid.” She fights the urge to hit her head on the concrete. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Alcohol usually helps us do what we want to do, actually.” Nina speaks in a motherly tone still, but Millie knows it’s just her default mode.
“Yeah, but it’s not… like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like… Ugh,” Millie knows she’s about to spill it. She closes her eyes, cheeks hot from the alcohol and the embarrassment of a fucked up confession. “It’s not… you. Not just you.”
“Oh, okay.” Nina shifts her position, sitting on the floor. “My knees were hurting, sorry. Go on?”
Might as well finish ruining it, Millie’s intoxicated brain thinks.
“I think I’m a little fucked up,” Millie lets out in a breathless laugh. “Like, there’s this thing inside of me that numbs my senses out of nowhere, right? But that’s fine, I know how to deal with that guy. But then, there’s this other thing that won’t let me… I don’t know, enjoy having friends. Just exist around them without wanting to…” She stops, frowning. It’s so hard to talk about this. “I don’t know, I’m scared of saying it. I don’t want to lose you. Any of you.”
A gentle touch to her knee. Nina brushes her thumb against her skin. “You know we love you, right?”
Millie shivers. “Yeah. That’s the issue. I don’t know how to love any of you properly.”
And Nina, bless her heart, ends up being the one who says it. “Do you have feelings for us? Some of us?”
It’s terrifying, but it does end up taking a weight off her shoulders. Millie takes a deep breath and nods. “…Yeah. Some more than others. I guess.”
There is a pause as Nina gathers her thoughts, and Millie feels the older woman taking her calves and massaging them. It feels nice. She wants to cry.
“It’s okay to have strong feelings, honey.” Nina bites her lower lip. “Sorry, it slipped.”
Millie chuckles weakly. “It’s fine.”
“Specially knowing what you’ve been through,” Nina keeps going. “We’re the first people who have shown you kindness in a long time. It’s not a surprise you’d get attached.”
Her words make sense. Millie drops her eyelids, the massage doing wonders to her heart. It’s calming. Nina wouldn’t undo years of repression with a single conversation on a bathroom floor, but it felt nice to be heard.
“But it’s not okay, right?” Millie’s voice sounds so tiny. “To literally fall in love with anyone who is nice to you. That’s not normal.”
“Well, there are levels of love,” Nina is pragmatic. “How strong are these feelings we’re talking about?”
“I don’t know. It depends.”
“Well, how strong are your feelings for me?”
Millie blushes, refusing to look at Nina. “…You’re kind of a weird case. Calling you ‘mom’ all the time messed with my perception for a while there.”
“If you prefer to call me ‘mommy’—”
“Do not finish that sentence,” Millie brings her legs back up and Nina laughs. The witch buries her face in her arms, resting on her knees. “You know what, you’re out of my list, actually.”
The banter, the conversation, the soft tones. These were the things that made Millie fall so easily. Nina not hating her after her confession makes the emptiness vanish again for a little longer.
“Millie,” Nina is up again, and Millie looks at her. Then, she says something that, perhaps, was all she needed to hear. “It’s okay.”
Maybe it was.
The look in Nina’s eyes at that moment is so incredibly gentle that Millie believes her. She doesn’t see hate. There isn’t a fire ready to burn her if she got too close. The heat came from within, and it was a wonderful thing.
“…Okay,” Millie takes a deep breath and gets up as well. “Thank you, Nina.”
Nina opens her arms in an inviting hug and Millie just dives into them. Her heart thumps in her chest and she lets herself be loved.
“Love is not a sin,” Nina mutters against her hair. “And you are not a monster.”
The words echo all the way to her past, when she needed to hear them the most. Millie sniffs and nods.
When they part, they’re still close, and Nina takes Millie’s face in hands. After a beat, she leans down. Their noses touch, but their mouths hover close. A question. It’s Millie who pushes forward, accepting what’s been given to her in this pocket of time. This kiss feels like a real one. Millie brings her hands up to tug at Nina’s jacket, lips moving slowly. There are tiny fireworks inside of her chest.
Nina pulls back, and whispers, “That’s a kiss,” and Millie feels dizzy, but happy.
--
The balcony leading outside has a nice view of the streetlights, and Millie leans against the rail to breathe some air after whatever the hell just happened in the bathroom. She touches her lips, the ghost of a kiss lingering still, then feels her cheeks reddening. With a quick move, she drinks the water that’s been given to her.
“I do love you, but no more alcohol, honey,” Nina had said once they left. Millie would do anything she asked at that point.
It doesn’t take long for her to hear the sliding door opening behind her as someone walks into the space. “There you are.”
It’s Enna, because of course it is. Her best friend always finds her, somehow. The thought brings a dumb smile to her face.
“Hey,” Millie says, lifting her glass. “I’m forbidden to drink. By law.”
Enna joins her on the rail, unfazed. “Did you commit crimes in Elira’s bathroom? I’ll snitch.”
“You would never snitch on me,” Millie laughs. “You love me too much.”
“Science hasn’t been able to come to an agreement on that yet, actually.”
The quietness is nice out here. They can hear the yells and music muffled by the glass door, proof that they weren’t alone in the world despite feeling incredibly small under the stars. Maybe that was just Millie’s system compensating for how giddy she still felt.
The witch turns to stare at her best friend and feels her heart skipping a beat. It’s not the first time it does that in Enna’s presence. If there’s anyone she can say with certainty that saved her goddamn life was Enna when she came to the underworld for the first time and basically dragged her to Earth with promises of wonderful treats. Millie thinks she loves Enna the most.
(And, as of today, she knows that this isn’t the end of the world.)
Nina’s words swim in her mind and Millie opens her mouth. “Hey, do you want to kiss?”
Liquid courage finally makes her spill the words she’s been dying to say for years. Millie has no idea how Enna will react to this.
As it turns out, Enna just looks at her and blinks rapidly for a moment. “What?”
“Do you… Ah,” Millie falters, but clears her throat. “Would you kiss me? If I asked.”
Shooting her shot after kissing Nina Kosaka of all people is actually a lot easier now. The two girls have a stare-off for a lot longer than necessary, and when Millie doesn’t laugh, Enna knows she’s serious.
“Like, right now?”
Millie shrugs. “Yeah. If you want to.”
“Why, though?”
Because I love you.
She couldn’t say that without giving her the wrong impression. Any other excuse would feel empty, though. It’s a delicate situation. Millie looks at her glass and drinks the rest of her water in one go.
“Because I’ve been wanting to for a long time. I thought I’d finally ask.” She says.
Someone screams in the living room and everyone laughs. It’s quiet.
Enna finally chuckles. “The heck, man. Since when?”
“What’s with all the questions, it’s a simple yes or no!” Millie laughs with her. The situation looks so silly. It feels like they’re just messing around like always.
Millie feels the shift in the mood when Enna finally turns her head away, cheeks a shade of pink. “I mean,” She shrugs, trying her best to be nonchalant. “Yeah, fine.”
“Wait, really?”
Enna pushes herself away from the rail, hands on her hips. “Now you’re asking questions. Just… do it before I change my mind. Let’s go.”
Somehow, that’s exactly how Millie expected their first kiss to happen. She just never allowed herself to dream that high before.
Millie puts the glass on the floor away from them and walks up to Enna. They’re the same height, so their faces align perfectly. It’s so much different from what happened to Nina a few minutes ago. Everything about Enna is different. She’s the same girl she’s known for years, with the same secrets and inside jokes, and yet, she’s about to find out a completely new side of her. The thought makes Millie’s heart race.
“You better be a good kisser.” Enna mutters, leaning closer.
“Shut up,” Millie smiles hard, and pulls Enna by the waist. They crash strongly and Enna grunts against her mouth, letting out a chuckle. This kiss is sweet. It tastes like childhood friends and nostalgia.
Enna takes a moment to understand how Millie works, but when she does, their lips fit like puzzle pieces. She feels the witch pulling her closer and brings her arms up to cup her face. Millie opens her mouth slightly, and Enna deepens it. No words are needed between them. It’s always been like this.
With a smooching sound, they pull apart. Enna’s eyes search Millie’s, and all she sees is a clouded gaze and a smile. Her Millie.
“How was that?” Millie asks in a low voice.
“Decent,” Enna replies, licking her lips. Her eyes drop down again. “You’re so fucking weird.”
Millie wants to kiss her again. She can’t say that she’d kiss her best friend everyday if she would still be her best friend afterwards. Instead of dealing with that, Millie just kisses Enna’s cheek and nose, then makes a farting sound against her throat. Enna punches her in the gut.
Nothing else happens, and they join their friends in the living room again.
Two kisses down.
She wondered if she could have one more tonight.
--
“Thanks for staying, Millie. I felt bad asking Rosemi to help me clean up after she basically put everything together in the first place.” Elira says, putting the plates away in the cabinet.
“Rosemi ran this place like the military,” Millie finishes washing the last fork and stretches her muscles, yawning. The alcohol had finally settled in her bloodstream and was now making her sleepy. “Also, I live here, so.”
Elira snorts, turning to her. She leans her butt against the kitchen table, hands on the surface. “Yeah, I keep forgetting about that. Sorry I haven’t cleaned your room in five years.”
“You haven’t cleaned your side boob in five years? Disgusting, Elira.”
“No, the basem— My side boob?”
Millie laughs tiredly, mirroring Elira’s pose by leaning against the counter. They’re the only ones left in the house after the party had ended. Everyone helped her clean up the living room in some type of way, but the real work was all Millie after she offered to stay. She didn’t really have anywhere to be tomorrow, and the opportunity had presented itself perfectly.
Now, she just had to seize it.
But it was so much harder to be brave with Elira for some reason. Sometimes, she thought that this girl would be the death of her.
“Did you have fun tonight?” Elira asks.
“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Millie frowns. “Wait, why?”
“Nothing, just asking.”
Millie squints her eyes at her. Elira was such a terrible liar, and even worse under pressure. When the witch doesn’t budge, the dragon cracks.
“…Okay, fine. You seemed distracted, then you went to the bathroom and kinda never came back, so I was kind of worrying the whole night.”
Yeah, Elira would definitely kill her one day. Maybe even tonight.
Millie feels a surge of love for Elira wash over her and it nearly tips her over.
Gods, this girl.
“Thank you,” Millie looks down, fingers tapping on the counter behind her. She grins. “For worrying, I mean. I was a bit sad today, yeah.”
“Oh, Millie.” Elira uses that voice and walks over to her without a second thought. “Did something happen?”
The witch keeps her head down because she’s not ready to look at the girl in front of her yet. She knows she will break if she does. “Nothing, exactly. It’s just… my brain, I guess. Sometimes it gets sad for no reason.”
She feels Elira hesitating for a moment before putting a hand on Millie’s arm, gently. “I see. Well, I hope the party cheered you up.”
“It did.” Memories of a kiss with two people she considered essential parts of her life make her tingle all over. Her arm feels hot where Elira is touching. “I had some really nice talks with some people.”
“That’s really good. You can talk to me too, if you want. Anytime. I’ll clear my schedule for you.” She knows Elira is smiling.
With a deep sigh, Millie leans over, touching her forehead on Elira’s shoulder. The dragon wraps her arms around her like it’s second nature. No words are needed to convey how deeply they care for each other, and Millie could cry.
“Elira?”
“Yeah?”
“I really love you.”
The thing about Elira is that she’s raw and honest. There’s not a single thing that could make Millie lie to her face maliciously, and if she was going to confess her sins to this particular person, she had to tell her the truth. No games, no charades. They could banter all they wanted later, but right now, Millie had opened her chest, heart exposed to the chilly air of the kitchen.
“I love you too.” Elira buries a hand on Millie’s hair, caressing her scalp. It feels nice.
“Can I confess something to you?” Eyes closed, Millie takes the plunge.
“Anything.”
“I think you’re one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen,” Her voice shakes when she takes a breath. “You care for me and for others like no one else. Your heart is huge, and I can’t believe you’re in my life.”
Elira’s hand stills in her hair. With one last breath, Millie pulls back and finally looks at her.
“And I really want to kiss you. Like, all the time.” And because losing Elira’s friendship terrifies her more than anything else, Millie adds, “I’m sorry.”
One dragon eye stares at her. Elira’s mouth hangs open, moving like she wants to say something, but can’t find the right words.
“This isn’t me taking advantage of your kindness,” Millie adds quickly. “I really don’t mind if you rather not. It’s just that I don’t know how to love you differently. I wish I could be a better friend, someone who was satisfied with platonic gestures, but I love too strongly and that’s the only way I know how to convey this to you. So…” She loses herself in her own defense, and stutters. “L-like, just… I just wanted you to know? Because hiding this was making me crazy, and you’re… I don’t want you to…”
Something soft interrupts her and Millie freezes. Her brain takes a moment to understand that Elira was kissing her – crookedly and incredibly tense –, and when she starts functioning again, the dragon had already pulled back.
“I panicked!” Elira says, one hand on her lips. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, that was so rude—”
“No! Wait, you…”
“…I don’t want you to think you’re a bad friend, gosh Millie—”
“Hold on—”
“…It was such a bad kiss too, I think I landed on your nose?”
Both of them stop talking over each other and just stare at their close proximity. Millie is looking at her like Elira put the stars in the sky, and it’s that look that makes Elira’s heart drop to her stomach. She’s never seen her friend look so vulnerable.
Slowly, she brings one hand to the back of Millie’s neck, pulling her in for another kiss. This one lands correctly, and it’s slow. Millie closes her eyes and follows the lead, mouth pressing softly against Elira’s, again, and again. It’s Elira who tentatively licks her upper lip, tongues touching with a sigh. Millie tiptoes, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. Elira pushes her against the counter, drinking her in.
It’s the longest kiss of the night.
It’s the only one that happens more than once.
--
There was an emptiness inside Millie Parfait.
She doesn’t know if it came from her demon brain or her life experiences, but it’s a parasite that lives with her, and who is never truly leaving.
But now, after taming her other demon, the one who was greedy and made her feel like a monster more often than not, Millie thinks that this emptiness is slowly being filled.
And it’s okay.
She feels like she’s going to be okay.