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The Doctor was pacing. Her boots made determined clomps on the floor, punctuating the occasional pause where she would wring her hands and furrow her brow, shaking her head. Every so often she would mutter: “No, not that. Not that at all. That won’t do.” And then she would pace again.
Yaz had been heading to the small kitchen for a cup of tea when her attention was caught by the rhythmic footsteps that didn’t seem to be going anywhere. A door at the other end of the corridor was ajar, and curiosity got the better of her. Abandoning the thought of tea, she peered through the gap in the door into what appeared to be some kind of small library, consisting of several aisles partitioned by tall bookcases filled with books of every shape, colour and size. The footsteps were definitely coming from within, but she couldn’t see the source of them. She pushed the door open just enough to allow her to slide through softly and with some trepidation, given that even the most innocent things had a habit of leading to the most dangerous situations. Her eyes narrowed in curious confusion, she crept down one of the aisles until she realised she could see through the adjacent bookcase, in a gap above some shorter books. The gap was small enough that she did not risk getting seen herself from whoever might be on the other side. Compelled to find out more, she pushed her face close to look through.
What she saw was not what she was expecting: a coatless Doctor in an open space in the corner of the room. She was pacing backwards and forwards in front of a tall mirror with a look of serious consternation on her face.
Part of Yaz’s brain was telling her to leave, that it was wrong to sneak in and watch someone without them knowing, but a larger part was too intrigued and wanted to know what was going on. She looked back to see that the door had drifted mostly closed, so even if Dan were to walk past, he wouldn’t see her stealthily observing the Doctor. Given their recent conversation on that eventful New Year’s Eve, she was not sure she could take the embarrassment of being found secretly watching like this. Again, her brain told her she ought not to be doing it, but somehow she couldn’t drag herself away.
And when she heard her name being called from the other side of the bookcase, she had to catch herself from answering automatically.
“Yaz!”
She managed to stop her reply before it left her lips, and swung her attention back to stare in bafflement through the books.
The Doctor had stopped in front of the mirror, clenching and unclenching her fists and shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Whatever she was doing, it was making her extremely uncertain, and Yaz didn’t think she’d ever seen her look so flustered. It made her stomach flutter strangely. What was going on? Why had she said her name?
The Doctor looked her reflection in the eyes and repeated the one word she had said since Yaz had entered the room.
“Yaz.” It was the same way she’d said it when calling Yaz back to speak to her as Dan went looking for the TARDIS bedroom corridor. Not a request. A statement. An entire sentence in one word.
“I’m not very good at talking about my feelings…” She paused, still shifting from foot to foot, and from behind the bookcase, Yaz felt even more intrusive. Yet even as she willed her feet to take her quietly back out of the door, the Doctor continued talking and she found once again that she simply could not move.
“It can be scary. It’s easier to pretend they aren’t there. Well, I say easier, but it’s not actually easy to deny them, ignore them, push them down. They don’t go away. I just have to keep running away from them faster than they can catch up with me. So Dan told me something. Something about you.”
Yaz’s stomach dropped – what had Dan said?
“He told me that you like me.”
Yaz was mortified. She was going to KILL Dan the next time she saw him. How could he do that? Hadn’t he seen how difficult it had been for her to admit it just to him? And now the Doctor KNEW! She suddenly felt that she should run very far away – possibly into her bedroom and under the bedcovers – and never show her face again. She was so embarrassed. How could she ever look the Doctor in the face again? Knowing that she knew how Yaz felt about her - those strange, scary feelings she hadn’t understood for so long and had finally been forced to confront?
If she was honest with herself, she’d always know what they were and what they meant, but she had kept that truth buried in the deepest, most secure part of her mind where it could never see the light of day. But it had never gone away. Always there, just on the edge of consciousness. And the longer she had spent with the Doctor, the bigger it had begun to grow.
It had taken the Doctor literally minutes to turn Yaz from trying to be a police officer in charge of a problem into a follower, helpless to do anything but tag along with the Doctor for the ride. And by the time she and Ryan had been waiting outside that changing room in a charity shop waiting for the Doctor to finally emerge with her new-found outfit, she had fallen hook, line and sinker. She hadn’t wanted the Doctor to leave them using her cobbled together contraption to take her to her TARDIS, and it was as if the universe had known what was inside her heart and taken the fam along.
Yaz was struck with a fear that perhaps her feelings had been blatantly obvious all along. Her mother had apparently seen something, Dan had known, surely Graham and Ryan had seen as well? And Sonya had loved to tease her about the Doctor. She felt heat rise up her whole body as she feared that if everyone else had seen it – even when she’d acknowledged it herself and thought she’d kept it so well hidden – had even the Doctor seen it? Had she even needed Dan to tell her how Yaz felt? Dan had suggested that she had not suspected, but the Doctor was no fool. And whilst she could be like a child at times, in reality she was also extraordinarily insightful. Had Yaz been embarrassing herself all this time, thinking these feelings were being kept so secret, so deeply hidden within herself that even she couldn’t directly address them?
Before she could dwell any further, the Doctor continued her monologue to the mirror.
“Yaz, I know. I’ve known for a long time…”
Yaz wanted the floor to swallow her. Her heart constricted and tears welled in her eyes. She shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be listening. Perhaps if she crept away now, she could quietly pack without anyone realising. She knew how to land the TARDIS, was pretty sure she could set it to take her back to Park Hill, and then run and lock the door to the flat, never to see the Doctor again. Part of her mind was calmly pointing out what a ridiculous over-reaction this was, but the rest of her thought it was absolutely the only thing she could possibly do to take all this terrible awkwardness away. Whilst she was sure she would never get over the horrific agony herself, she was also sure once she was out of the way, the Doctor would be able to go on doing amazing and wonderful things without a silly woman from Sheffield pining after her. The tears that had gathered in her eyes tumbled down her cheeks, but as she began to turn in order to creep out, the Doctor continued speaking and stopped her in her tracks once more.
“I once told King James that in looking for truth in the world, he should start with matters of the heart. I should listen to that myself. I am great at giving advice out to other people, not so good at taking it myself.”
Yaz couldn’t help a small smile through her tears at this moment of self-reflection.
“Ironically for someone who travels in time, I don’t have much of it myself.” The Doctor’s voice was suddenly serious, and Yaz’s heart stopped. What did this mean?
“And love is not straightforward for me. I have loved before and every time I have lost the one I loved, had them taken away from me, had to carry on without them.”
Yaz’s eyes dropped. Of course the Doctor had loved others. Surely people much better and more worthy than her, plain old Yasmin Khan. Nothing special about her.
“Even though they are gone, they are always within my heart. I will never forget them and I will never stop loving them. I suppose I was foolish to think I could avoid love after River. I was so determined. Just stay friends.”
River. She had never heard that name before, but she could hear in the Doctor’s voice the weight of importance this name had for her.
“And then, Yasmin Khan, then I crashed into your life. Literally.”
Yaz almost gasped to hear her own name and felt once more that she shouldn’t be there, she had to leave, had to get out. But she was sure if she tried to move, her legs would give out and she would end up in a heap on the floor. She closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands, unable to watch as the Doctor carried on speaking.
“You don’t plan to fall in love, but it’s what happens. I know you have fallen in love with me. I know you fell a long time ago. Perhaps I knew before even you did. I saw it in your eyes. I saw it in your smiles.”
Yaz couldn’t stop the tears under her hands.
“But I told myself it would be OK, I could stay in control, I could prevent you from getting hurt. I thought I could protect you. And I was wrong. You are going to get hurt. No matter what choices we make, you are going to get hurt and I am sorry. I am sorry for not looking after you better. I am sorry for letting you down. I should have encouraged you to leave with Graham and Ryan. Perhaps it wasn’t too late then.”
Yaz had felt so sad when Graham and Ryan decided to leave. She knew she would miss them terribly, and she did. But there had never been any question in her mind of her leaving. It simply wasn’t an option. She would never leave. Except now, with the Doctor knowing how she felt, perhaps it was the only option left?
There was a touch on her shoulder, so light, so gentle, but it made her jump and she spun around in shock to see the Doctor standing there in front of her. How she had known Yaz was there she didn’t know, but again she realised she’d underestimated this impossibly wise woman. Yaz was standing here with her heart bared, her face wet with tears and nowhere to hide.
“But I was selfish. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you then, and I can’t bear the thought of losing you now, Yasmin Khan. I tried so hard to not let this happen, but I love you. I love you with everything within me. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. And every choice I have right now is going to end up with you getting your heart broken. I would do everything I could to stop that from happening. I would burn up entire suns for you, Yaz. I would rewrite history, and none of it is enough. None of it can stop what is coming for me. So you have the choice: You can walk away. You can put yourself first. You can turn around and never look back. And know that I will never, in any of my futures, forget you. Or…”
But before the Doctor could speak any more, before Yaz could think about what she was doing or allow her higher brain functions to take over and stop her, she grabbed the lapels of the Doctor’s coat and pulled her close so their lips crashed together in a frantic, desperate kiss. The Doctor’s hands reached up to hold Yaz’s face, thumbs wiping away the tears that still tumbled down her cheeks as they kissed with reckless fervour, finally submitting to what both their hearts had needed for so long. The heat coursing through and between them should have been enough to set the room ablaze. Yaz was simply lost in this moment, lost in the pounding of her heart and the feel of the Doctor’s lips against hers, the Doctor’s hands on her face and the searing heat of every touch.
When they finally pulled apart, breathing heavily, the Doctor barely let seconds pass as their foreheads rested together before she pulled Yaz into her arms and held her so tightly, as if this alone could protect them from the relentless march of time. Yaz threw her arms around the Doctor, pulling her as close as possible, pressing them together, not imagining there might exist a time beyond this moment. She turned her face into the Doctors hair and never wanted to be anywhere else. This is where they both belonged, fitting so perfectly together.
“I have been so afraid of losing you, Yaz, I missed out on the chance to be with you all this time.” The Doctor breathed the words so quietly, as if speaking louder might make the them break apart and disappear.
“Doctor, I have been so afraid of what my feelings mean for so long, but I don’t want to be afraid any more. I am not afraid now. I don’t care how much time there is. If it’s months, or weeks,” she paused as fresh tears filled her eyes. “Or days, I don’t care. Because this is where I am meant to be.”
They didn’t know how long they stayed in that room, holding each other and weeping silent tears at the time lost and the uncertainty yet to come. They simply found safety, and honesty, and rightness there and then. Time would come for them, inevitably. But not in that moment.