Chapter Text
Hata Tomo had no intention whatsoever of interacting with the Ouran High School Host Club.
In any reasonable story, she thought, the statement would end there. She had no intention of interacting with the Host Club. Therefore, she didn't. Therefore, her academic record remained spotless, lacking distractions and nonsense, and she returned home and went on to a profitable career.
This was not a reasonable story, however. She had wanted an empty room to study in (the libraries being, as ever, full of chatter), but as soon as she opened the door...
Was that perfume? Incense? Regardless, there was a definite smell of roses. "Welcome!" chorused the boys in front of her. All six of them. (One who looked too young to be a student – a much taller one, muscular, who hovered over him – a pair of twins she'd seen before, the Hitachiin – another one, with glasses and a calculating look in his eyes – and one, tall and blonde and lounging on what looked like a throne. Behind him, on pedestals, were various treasures. Her eyes lingered on a particular vase, so painfully beautiful that her breath caught for a moment.)
Then they looked a bit closer. "Oh," said one of the twins.
"A boy," said the other.
A year at Ouran had thoroughly quashed Tomo's natural inclination to roll her eyes. "Sorry," she said blandly. "I'll get out of your way."
They pulled her into the room, instead. Tomo felt this was entirely uncalled-for. "See," one said, "this is the honor student we were talking about."
"He hates to say more than a word at a time. He might as well be a mute," the other chimed in.
"Don't be rude," said the calculating one, looking oddly smug. "Welcome to the Ouran Host Club, Honor Student."
"Tomo," said the king. "Isn't that his name? Hata Tomo?"
"How did you know that?" Tomo asked.
"You're quite infamous," the king drawled. "A commoner, here, at this academy... some take it as an insult. You must be quite audacious to fight your way into our sanctum sanctorum."
"...thanks?" Tomo guessed.
"You're a hero to the poor," he said loftily. "Spurned, neglected... But that doesn't matter now. You've gathered up the courage to approach us, in spite of everything. Long live the poor! We welcome you, poor man, to our world of beauty."
Tomo reevaluated this poseur king, taking him from his position of qualified distaste and dropping him directly into the garbage. "May I be excused," she asked. "From your world of beauty."
"No, no, Tocchan!" squeaked the child. "You're like a fairy tale! That's so cool!"
"I'm not a fairy, I'm an honor student," she sighed. "- and who are you calling Tocchan? "
"I never imagined that the famed scholar would be so openly gay," the king mused.
Tomo paused. "Huh?"
"So, tell me, which of us drew you here? Are you fonder of the strong, silent type?" He gestured to the tall, protective one. "The mischievous twins... the cool-blooded retainer..." Gesture, gesture. "Surely you're not a shotacon – let's not engage in stereotyping." (The little boy rolled his eyes.)
Tomo edged away, more and more disturbed. "I'm not... gay. Or a shotacon. I was looking for a study room. Believe me, I have no interest in -"
"Or perhaps," he continued, lowering his voice as he traced his fingers down her jawline, "like so many, you wanted a Prince Charming?"
Tomo found her back against something, something that wobbled precariously, but she couldn't move away or she'd be stepping straight into the maniac's arms. She tried to remember her perfunctory self-defense lessons, but crucially, they all involved coming into physical contact with the person you wished to repel. She wasn't sure this mad king would take it as an actual deterrent if she bit him, let alone slapped him.
The pedestal at her back gave way. Tomo felt the world go into slow motion. She turned her head as she fell – saw the vase from earlier falling with her – felt her heart splinter at the very thought. In a split-second, heartbreak turned to fury, and fury bubbled up through her lips.
"Don't you dare," she snarled at the impossibly beautiful vase.
And it froze in midair.
The last thing she saw before her skull slammed into the ground was the mad king's face – not shocked, not horrified, but pleasantly surprised. The face of a man who had just found, under the layers of wrapping paper and cardboard, a gift that he very much liked.
Tomo woke to the notable absence of a splitting headache.
She sat up cautiously. "...how long was I unconscious?" she asked the nearest person.
The nearest person was a twin. "Only a few minutes," he said.
"You're welcome," chirped the other, from behind her head. She twitched.
"So," the first said, "how's a commoner like you learn magic?"
"Will you please stop calling me that," she grumbled. "And I don't know what you're talking about. Magic isn't real." She said this quietly, as if sharing a secret.
The twins raised their eyebrows in unison, then looked pointedly at the vase, still hovering six inches above the wood paneled floor. "I suppose you can fall now," one said.
"Since magic's not real," the other added.
Tomo grimaced. "You don't have to be smug," she muttered. "I didn't know it had stayed up." She reached out and grasped it by the handles, setting it right-side-up on the floor.
"So…" one of the twins said.
"So nothing," she bit out. "I don't owe you anything, least of all an explanation. You rich creeps cornered me and nearly gave me a heart attack. I don't even know your names. And I don't particularly want to."
The twins looked at each other. "Touchy, touchy," they said in unison.
"Where's that timid boy –" one started. Then they paused, and their eyes widened just a bit. Quietly, the nearest twin took a quick half-step away from Tomo.
"Of course," he said. "We've been terribly unfair."
"Kaoru Hitachiin," the other said. "At your service."
"Hikaru Hitachiin," the first agreed. "At your service."
She squinted, then decided that it wasn't really her problem why they were suddenly being polite as long as they were no longer hindering her escape.
"I'm sorry about Hao-chan," said the next challenger – the little boy. "Won't you stay?"
Tomo squinted at him too. "Why are you here," she asked, too stressed to be anything but blunt.
"Huh?"
"I mean – here in this school. Are you some kind of child prodigy?" She gestured up and down at his general stature. "Why aren't you in elementary school?"
"I'm seventeen," the child said.
Something inside Tomo quietly, unceremoniously broke. "You're…"
"Seventeen," he said solemnly. "I'm a late bloomer."
"...no," she said slowly. "You're using magic to stunt your growth."
He beamed. "You know, they said you were smart, but I didn't get to see it before! I'm Mitsukuni Haninozuka, you can call me Honey, let's be friends!"
She backed away. "I would really rather leave. This started out extremely weird and has only gotten worse."
The little boy looked to his guardian. "Mori-kun, won't you tell Tocchan to stay?"
Mori looked at her, evaluating. "No," he decided.
Honey looked utterly betrayed. "Why not?"
Mori bent down and whispered something in Honey's ear. Honey's eyes widened, and he spoke rapid-fire. "Oh! Yes, yes, goodbye Tocchan, don't wait up, I'm sure we'll see you around!"
"What is wrong with you people?" Tomo finally burst out. "Are you all deranged? Why do you keep changing your minds?"
"It's really best if you go," Honey said anxiously.
"Seriously, we don't want–" the twins started.
"Too late," Mori intoned as the door swung open, letting in the king and his cohort.
"Hata Tomo," said the mad king grandly, "I have made a decision."
Tomo turned back to the door. "Is it to apologize for sexually harassing me?" she asked.
"No. It is that you, Hata Tomo, will be the newest member of the Ouran High School Host Club!"
Tomo blinked.
Then she blinked again.
"No, thank you," she said. "That sounds, frankly, like a terrible time for everyone involved."
"What do you mean?" asked the king, looking perplexed.
"It's probably for the best," said Kaoru hastily.
Hikaru nodded. "Having a gay boy around without a gimmick like ours –"
"- might make some people uncomfortable, you know?"
Honey, perched on Mori's shoulder, nodded as if this was an eminently sensible thing to say. "And he's a commoner. Girls think they want that, but really they want quality, not novelty."
Tomo gritted her teeth. "I could do it," she said dangerously. "I'm just not interested. Because you're all crazy."
Mori shook his head. "Really. It's not a good idea."
"You'd make a fool of yourself and all of us," Kaoru said confidently. "You're not even in a uniform! Those rags would drive off any customer worth the name."
"...yes," the king said slowly. "I suppose that's true. Well, it's a pity, but–"
The earlier need to escape had transformed into a burning desire to beat the living hell out of everyone in the room. Those smug twins. The brat and his bodyguard. The snake. And especially that lunatic king. "You think so? Then give me one of those damned uniforms and tell me what it is you do here, and I'll do it better!"
The twins looked gobsmacked. Mori looked mildly taken aback. Honey looked crestfallen. The king looked… satisfied.
The boy with the shiny glasses laughed silently, then held out a hand. "Of course. Right this way, Hata-kun."
I win, Tomo thought. …shit.