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On day one, I knew.
The moment she stepped between myself and the lieutenant sitting in front of me, I knew. I knew there would be a day I would have to save her from herself. Something on that first day placed a vice grip on my heart and it hasn’t let up since. Every time she’s hurt, it squeezes a little tighter. Every time she pulls away from me and the crew, it squeezes a little tighter.
The shift in her mood has been an indicator that I'm going to need help one of these days. Only two other people know what I’m about to ask Tom Paris. Only two people know the code word and the meaning behind it.
There’s about to be a third. Because he knows. I know when I tell Tom the reasoning behind my request, that Tom will follow the order. Not because I am asking, but because of her.
She has no idea the loyalty she’s garnered amongst the crew these past 5 years. She has no idea that when Tom disobeyed her order 2 months ago, that it took a part of his soul that he’s desperately trying to get back. She doesn’t see what I see. She doesn’t see the look he gives her after she compliments him on a job well done, or when her words are too sharp.
Which is why I’m here. Because these past six months have just about broken her. She’s uneasy… unfocused… and unsure. It’s only a matter of time before I’m going to need help.
“Chakotay?”
Tom’s voice brings me out of my analysis of the Captain. His concern evident all over his face.
“Tom, I need to ask you a favor.”
Pensively, he considers my statement. Warily, he nods.
“Someday, i'm going to ask you to disobey one of her orders. Can I count on you to do that…”
“Chakotay, I'm in the doghouse. I can’t have this conversation.”
I can tell that he’s uneasy. His trip to the ocean planet and the subsequent stay in the brig has given him pause when it comes to her. Rightly so.
“Tom, trust me. This ship will not make it back to the Alpha Quadrant or earth without her. Do you understand? I need you to promise me that when the time comes, you’ll follow my order, and not hers. This ship needs her captain. Promise me.”
He throws his fork down and shoves his plate away. As he looks away, he crosses his arms and shakes his head. After a few beats, his eyes meet mine. In them I can see the pain reflected back. The pain has been ripped open these past few months as he’s navigated being back in prison. The pain of letting her down.
“Chakotay, next to B’Elanna, the Captain is the most important person in my life. Before I agree to anything, I want you to confirm that you’re asking what I think you’re asking. Are you asking that I physically make sure she makes it out and you don’t? Have you thought about what that will do to her? She’s lost more than most of us will ever know. Losing you may be the breaking point. Do you realize that?”
He’s right. He knows too much about the Captain and I. He knows how deep our bond is. How deep our love is. And he knows that if I’m talking to him about this, she’s closer to the edge than he thought.
“I know what I’m asking. But I can’t watch her do this… and you and I both know that it’s coming. She’s not eating. She hasn’t slept more than a few hours a night in weeks. Her coffee intake has increased and her irritability is at a delta quadrant high. All it’s going to take is one high risk situation, and we may lose her. I can’t survive the loss of her, can you?”
And there it is, The admission of the fact that I care for her more than I can put into words. I look up to see Tom’s eyes sympathetically staring back at me.
“I’ll do it. Just… don’t make it a habit. And don’t use me against her unless it’s absolutely necessary. Because once we do this, once we save her from destruction, she will never trust us again. And I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
With that I take a deep inhale of breath. I didn’t realize I was holding by breath, and as I nod, I exhale. I’ve gotten what I came for and as I get up to leave, Tom speaks up again.
“How will I know it’s time? Is there a code word or something? Secret handshake?”
“Just one word, Tom. Only two other people know that word, your girlfriend included.”
Tom waits expectantly.
“Indiana.”