Chapter Text
When she kisses Landon she can pretend to know what she wants. Telling him that she loved him hadn't been a lie, but it wasn't exactly the truth either. Some part of her wanted to love him; did love him, but the rest of her – most of her – used him as her fallback. Landon was her safety net. Being around Landon made her feel safe; life had no dangerous surprises or spontaneous actions. Hope's world had been too turbulent for too long.
Josie, when she was alone it was all she could think about. Her mind mulled over reasons and most nights she exhausted herself into a sleep filled with fire, sex and Josie. When she was with Landon all of that disappeared.
Hope doesn’t question her sanity with Landon, being around him or when he touches her and she enjoys it, she escapes into it, focuses solely on his hands tenderly exploring her body. Always though she wishes he would be less gentle.
Josie wouldn't be gentle. She'd be rough; with her she thinks everything would be rough – except her lips. Those, she imagines (knows) would be as soft as the silk pyjama she wears and demanding. She would possess her and Hope would let her. Only she can't, because Josie is uncertainty and spur of the moment. She and Landon are opposites; there is no middle ground she knows. So she picks security and monotony.
Fire lingers behind her eyes, streaking to the front when she closes them. In the fire she sees everything she wants but will not let herself have. Burning, it holds the destruction she could do and Josie. When she orgasms with Landon her eyes close and the image is there, unable to be shifted. Hope knows that the juxtaposition of destruction and Josie is not mere coincidence.
Afterwards, when Landon holds her, she drifts into a dreamless sleep. Even then Landon's influence is there, stopping images from flooding her – stilling her desires if only for a moment. She knows instinctively when she has moved beyond the reach of his arms, because suddenly Josie is there and she's claiming her, the fire licking at her heels.
In the morning she tries to escape in Landon again, but he doesn’t understand and rises from the bed. Hope sinks into the mattress and watches as he gets dressed. Landon sees only black and white in the world; he will never be able to comprehend the concept of grey. Hope's whole life has been about the grey. She's lived in it all along, while others thought she was the epitome of the blackness in the world.
She isn't sure about Josie anymore. After meeting her she'd decided that she knew all about the greys of life, she lived in them too. They bonded over that she thinks, although neither of them knew it at the time. Now it is hard to tell whether Josie is grey or black. It is why she doesn't choose her.
Landon opens the door and smiles brightly at her, in that moment his features are inexplicably childlike and she sees in his eyes the worship of her he has always carried. It is tiring and when the door closes softly behind him she closes her eyes and lets herself burn.