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A hand on my shoulder stirs me, pulling me up from a peaceful darkness, and I hear her voice muttering, “I knew I’d find you asleep somewhere…”
My eyelids flutter, I cast a quick look at my pink haired partner, and then I close them again.
“Hey, don’t ignore me!” Pinon sounds irritated, because of course she does.
“I’m not, mostly,” I murmur. It’s warm. The sunlight feels nice. The weather hasn’t been this great in a while. There’s a reason I’m out in the courtyard, after all, so I still feel kinda heavy, but I’m listening, at least. “Something important going on?” I ask. “Pretty sure I finished all my work.” I always could’ve forgotten something, I guess. In fact, I probably did, but that’s a problem for future Nevin, and he is not here yet.
“Sandalphon wants to see us soon,” she says. “I imagine she’s giving us an assignment.”
“How soon?” I ask.
“An hour, I think.”
“Oh, good. Wake ol’ Papa Bear up again closer to then.” Is that it? Because if that’s it, then I’m sure she has better things to do than bother me while I’m taking it easy. Last I checked, I’m not obligated to be running around during my downtime, even if everyone else seems to disagree. I hope she hasn’t taken to harassing me like Faris does when he’s not out on his own mission.
“Um, actually. I was hoping to talk to you before then,” she says, and her voice dips into a sense of both sadness and discomfort. That tone’s enough to draw me out of my sleepy state. What kinda guy would I be if I let the rookie get all down on herself over something?
“You could’ve led with that,” I tell her, and I fight my own heaviness in order to sit up. I don’t really want to, but she does look troubled, and I pat the grass beside me as I meet her gaze. “Take a seat. You’re short enough that I could just keep looking up, but I don’t wanna tweak my neck.”
I could stand to annoy people less, but it is really amusing to see their faces. Hers especially. Plus, it’s an easy way to get someone’s guard down. Not on sentimental things, mind, but on the things that actually matter. For instance, despite the way she’s gritting her teeth, she’s still troubled enough that her brows are knit together. Her shoulders immediately slump after the brief irritation passes, and she’s staring at me with a sad gaze. It’s intentional, it’s focused. Not quite direct eye contact, but close to it. What’s the best way to say it? She’s not looking into them, but definitely at them.
Ah. So it’s gonna be about this. I would be more than happy to leave that topic in the dirt, but it always has a way of coming up eventually, huh? Are people in the Church whispering? I’m sure they can come up with other conspiracy theories. I guess it’s better than framing us for murder again.
She takes a seat beside me and looks up towards the sky. “It really is nice out today, isn’t it?” she says softly.
“Yeah.” I glance at her. “Y’know, it’s not too late to lay down and join me in napping. You said we have an hour.”
“I’ll pass,” she says flatly. “There’s always something to do around here.”
“Suit yourself,” I say with a smirk. I wonder if she’ll ever loosen up. For the sake of her sanity, I hope that she will at least a little someday. “What’s troubling you, rookie?”
“Oh. Um.” She releases a breath and says, still way too serious, “I wanted to apologise.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Care to tell me what this is about?” I already know the overview, but it’s certainly not worth troubling herself over. Unless she heard something specific? Whatever it was, I’m sure that it’s wrong.
“W-Well.” She dips her head. “I heard that the eye you keep behind your hair is actually injured. It never even occurred to me that it might be. I should've at least thought to ask. I could’ve covered you from your right if I’d known. As your partner, I feel as though I’ve let you down somehow. So, I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you in the future.”
So serious, it almost loops back around to being adorable.
“Is that it?” I say. I plop my hand on her dipped head, trying to avoid her ears as I do. Sheesh, I forget sometimes that they’re half as tall as she is. No wonder she has to use a ranged weapon, there’d be too much to grab in close combat. Might be fun to point that out sometime, just to get her reaction. Anyway. “I was worried that you’d actually done something wrong.”
“Huh?” She’s so caught up in her feelings that she doesn’t even seem bothered by the fact I’m mussing up her hair. Man, this really is getting to her.
“Where’d you get your information, Pinon?”
“Ah, um. One of the priests brought it up with Ryszarda and I.” She hesitates, then says, “Is it not true…?”
“I don’t know,” I say as I draw my hand back. “What do you think?”
Hah! Her face.
“What do you mean, ‘what do I think’?!” she snaps. “It’s your eye! And how should I know, anyway? I’ve never even seen it!”
“Ah, and there lies the draw, yeah?” I meet her gaze with a smirk. “I’m sure the priest and Ryszarda both said the same thing. That they’d never seen it.”
She pauses, then nods. “Yeah. They did. Faris and Regina said they hadn’t seen it either. Most of the Archangels agreed. I couldn’t get anything out of Basileus. Ramiel said it wasn’t his story to tell, which made me think there must be something to it.”
“Wow, you really did ask everyone but me, huh?” I raise an eyebrow. “There was no need to take the long way ‘round. I’ve been here this whole time.”
“Well, I didn’t want to just accept it from the priest,” she admits. “You know how the congregation likes to talk, and there’s always the one bad actor that uses it to make up nasty rumours. I thought you might get upset if I just took them at their word and asked.”
“Me? Upset? Come on, Pinon.”
She jumps a little. I meant for it to be a simple call out, but it seems to embarrass her anyway. “I-I mean, no one likes to be gossiped about! So I just thought-”
“Relax. I get it.” My lip quirks up. “You’re so straight-laced, I’m sure you thought asking would be rude.” I shrug. “It’s kinda hard to just slip that into a casual conversation, and I’m sure you’d feel weird pulling on my sleeve and going, ‘Hey, is your eye all messed up?’ So look, I’m not judging. You can ease up a little, before all that tension gives you a muscle cramp somewhere.”
She stares at me for a good long while before releasing a soft, affirmative hum, and then we’re both quiet for a bit. I figure it might help her catch her breath, which she really doesn’t need to be holding in the first place. Seriously, it would’ve been fine for her to ask at any time.
I don’t think I would’ve been honest at just ‘any time’, but still. It would’ve been fine.
Her sincerity is wearing away at me, though. I would rather it not be, because the whole thing makes me feel a bit twitchy. At least the twitching is on the inside, which is where I prefer it to be. That way no one is any the wiser.
Still feels strange after all this time, huh? It’s weird how the things you hear as a kid can follow you around.
Once I’ve given it enough space, I say to her, “I appreciate your concern, but you don’t need to worry about covering my right side. You really think I’d style myself in a way that threw me off in battle?”
“No. I guess not.”
But she doesn’t seem to be sold. Guess I should’ve known she’d be like this, huh? She went all undercover trying to learn a thing or two about Basileus as well, and the guy doesn’t exactly leave a paper trail. Took at least five years for him to start so much as dropping hints with me, but that’s neither here nor there. Point is, she’s a little detective when something interests her. I really should just tell her to leave it, but the little apology that opened this whole thing is holding me back.
“Then why?” she finally asks. “Is it really so fashionable for you?”
“Well, to be fair, I do think it looks good on me.” I run my fingers through my bangs with a cheeky grin. Because I do think so, and I won’t take questions on it at this or any other time. “More importantly though, it always helps to have an eye adjusted to the dark, in case I gotta blow out the lights. You’d be surprised how effective it is.”
“Oh.” She blinks a few times, then asks the obvious question: “Why wear it that way at home, then?”
“Why not?” I ask.
“That’s not a real answer,” she says flatly.
“Do I need a real answer? Maybe I’m just too lazy to come up with another look. Ever consider that?” I don’t see myself as lazy, but I know she does. So there’s a part of me that hopes by throwing the word out, she’ll take the bait. I think she does for a moment, as she seems to seriously consider it. “No need to overthink it,” I tell her. “It just is what it is.”
Another hum, and a few beats pass before she finally releases a sigh. “I still think you’re avoiding the question,” she admits. “I don’t want to push too hard. Maybe it’s none of my business, but I also really want to know. I know I’m still new, but we’re partners, aren’t we…?”
Damn…
“Has anyone ever told you that you have puppy dog eyes when you’re pleading?” I say.
“T-That’s…!” She tenses, and then an instant later looks grumpy. “Are you teasing me?!”
“If that’s what you want to call it, sure.” With that, I decide to flop backwards into the grass once more, to stare at the sky. There’s a wisp of a white cloud rolling into an otherwise unmarred and brilliant blue. It’s still as soft and as warm as it was before.
I’m caught completely off guard when I hear the grass rustle, and glance over to see that Pinon has decided to lay down beside me. Her eyes are the same shade of brilliant blue as overhead. I wonder if she knows that. Well, she’ll find a guy to tell her one day. Or a girl. However it plays out for her.
“Nevin,” she says. “You don’t have to tell me. But could you at least tell me why you won’t…?”
“Maybe there’s just nothing to say,” I offer. “Or maybe it’s not important.”
“Enough of the ‘maybe’,” she huffs. “If there was nothing to say, then you’d just say that. And maybe it’s not important to you, but it’s important to me.”
“Why?” She’s always been nosy, but this is a bit much even for her. It’s just an eye.
And yet, behind its shield, I have the eye closed, as though to protect it.
I’m aware of my own hypocrisy.
It takes her a moment to respond, and I actually appreciate her taking the time to consider the question. I’m sort of hoping the answer is simply ‘just because’, so I can kindly tell her to direct that feeling to something more important. She has better uses of her time.
Instead, she says, “Because I want to be there for you however I can, the same way you’ve been here for me.”
Well, crap. How am I supposed to answer that?
“You really think something’s wrong, huh?” I sigh.
“Maybe not ‘wrong’, but if it weren’t a big deal, you wouldn’t be dodging it like this.” She pauses, then adds, “Besides, I think if you really wanted me to back off, you would’ve already been more firm about it. So I keep thinking, something about it must be bothering you. I don’t want to think you’re messing with me. At least, not entirely.”
I let out a long sigh. “You’re just too damn sincere,” I admit. “I feel kinda bad now, y’know?”
“I’m sorry,” she answers, “but I won’t back down, if there’s even a single thing I can do to help.”
Too. Damn. Sincere.
“There really isn’t much to help with,” I tell her. “I’ve had it sorted since I was seven.”
“Since you were…?” I can hear her piqued curiosity, and I sort of regret opening my big dumb mouth already, but what’s out there is out there, so I might as well finish it.
“Yeah. It’s an old thing.” Not a big deal. Or if it is, she’s the one who made it that with her extensive ‘investigation’. When I see her nod, watching intently, I start to feel a bit self conscious, and I look to the sky once more. “It’s black.”
“Black? What do you mean?”
“My right eye. It’s black, not green. Has been since I was born.” Even if she can’t see it, I let myself open it, as though to make a sort of point. If not to her, then to myself, at least.
“Is… that a problem…?” she asks slowly.
“You wouldn’t think.” I shrug. “But as it turns out, that colour? It’s what decides how much light can get into your eye. Without it, well, let’s just say I had some killer migraines when I was a kid.”
“Oh…” I can hear her processing the idea slowly but surely. I’m not surprised. She was probably expecting some big long story about ocular trauma, not a whole lot of nothing about a birth defect.
I don’t miss a beat though, even as she thinks. “On top of that, as I’m sure you know. Grams? A liiiittle bit religious. You walk into a room with a pitch black eye, and everyone thinks you’re cursed. Doesn’t matter how much you try to explain it. So really, why not cover it up? Less light, less rumours. Kills two birds with one stone.”
“Does Regina know about this?” she asks slowly.
“Yeah, she knows. She’s never seen it, she didn’t lie to you, but she’s aware at least. That way, she doesn’t send me off into some sort of explosion.” Still have to tough out the harsh climates from time to time, but hey, that’s just the line of work we’re in.
“Who has seen it?” she asks.
“What is this, an interrogation?” I say, but after a moment, I do answer. “Ramiel, of course, and Basileus.” I received a nasty gash that dragged from my right temple just below my eye on a mission, and reinforcements were days away. I got the scratch watching his back, so he insisted on cleaning it up. Without a healer, it could get infected, and an infection there could've been dangerous. That was a rough one. I’d say it’s a story for another day, but I think it’s more a story for Basileus and I alone.
She waits for something further, and when I’m quiet, she says, “That’s it?”
“That’s it. No point in hurting myself by letting in too much sun. It’s really only useful in pitch darkness, so that’s the only time it ever comes out. Back behind the curtain once the lights come back on.” Only once it’s all said do I finally glance at her again. She’s sitting up once more, watching me. “So. That’s your answer. Happy with it?” I smirk. “Kinda anticlimactic, right?”
I wasn’t sure what response I expected, but for her to giggle was definitely not it. “I don’t think so at all. Thank you, Nevin.”
“For what? I didn’t do anything special.”
“But you did,” she says. “It must’ve been hard for you, right? Otherwise you would’ve thought to look at me while you were talking.” Sheesh. Maybe we’re all training her a little too well. Or maybe I’m doing this all wrong. I guess it’s what happens when I take serious questions immediately after a nap.
Or maybe it’s just Pinon. Who knows?
“No big deal,” I tell her. “Let’s just keep it between us, okay? Not that it’s a secret, it’s just not worth getting into. Like I said. It’s old history.”
“Old history,” she murmurs. “Must’ve been tough for you when you were small, huh?” Her expression is thoughtful.
I don’t answer, but I let myself mull it over. Yeah. It was, a little bit. Especially before I knew what was causing my head to start killing me during the day. I still remember the worst it ever got. Thunder and lightning were crashing outside, so violently that it felt as though the building was shaking, and those flashes. I could see them through my eyelids, they were so bright. I tried to make it stop by hiding in the closet, huddling up into a ball, but each rumble, each tear in the sky made my heart slam into my chest, and I could feel the veins in my head throbbing. I didn’t know when it would end, and eventually Ramiel found me, scared, crying, hurting. He embraced me, unfurled his wings and wrapped them around me. He held me within them until it passed. I think that was what finally clued him in as to why it kept happening. In his own words, it wasn’t that my eye was black. It was that it was basically a giant pupil. It couldn’t manage light properly. Without something to work as a filter, it made a bright day a blinding one.
I still consider it sometimes. There are just some things that healers can’t fix…
“My ears were like that for me when I was a kid,” Pinon offers softly.
The words surprise me, and she must see that, but she doesn’t seem to mind.
“You already go through a lot when you’re a sylvan in human culture, you know?” she says. “People look at you differently, and it’s hard to explain if you’re going through something.” She raises her hand and grabs one of her ears, lowering it down to run her fingertips gently over it. “My hearing has always been really good. It was almost too good for little me. I got overstimulated so easily, because I was picking up absolutely everything. Gabriel told me that it was a skill us Sylvans needed out in nature. You know, for scavenging and hunting. It takes time for our ears to adapt to the sounds of everyday life in a big city, but she always told me that one day, it would be helpful out on the field for work.” She’s quiet with contemplation, but after that long pause, she says, “I-I know it’s not quite the same. I just thought, you know…”
“Yeah. I hear ya.” She’s just being thoughtful. It really isn’t necessary, and yet, it leaves me with a warm and fuzzy feeling. “We each have strengths and weaknesses.” I smile. “We’ve all got our own ways of weeding out eyes on us, but over time, you’re gonna have a real advantage.”
“And we’ll be counting on you if the sun ever goes out,” she says with an amused smile.
“Any day now,” I answer, and she laughs. With that, it feels wrapped up, so I turn my gaze away and ask, “So. What are your plans? We’ve still got a little bit of time to kill before anyone comes looking for us.”
“You know,” she murmurs. “I was going to go back in and offer up a prayer in the chapel. But if it’s alright with you, maybe I’ll do it out here.”
“I don’t mind,” I say. “Doesn’t matter where you do it, so long as you feel it.” Not the most widespread belief around these parts, and maybe it’s a privilege we get as Apostles. There isn’t really a Church that would close its doors on us, an all too familiar thing with the common folk. Still, it’s gotten me through some tough times. I like to think Ilia’s not really keeping an eye on how much we make, no matter what anyone says. Money’s not a holy concept, at the end of the day.
“Yeah,” she says, and she sounds as though she’s thinking. “There’s no better place to give thanks to nature than outside in its warmth.”
“I was just thinking wherever it’s convenient,” I tease, “but sure.”
“Of course you were,” she answers, unimpressed.
I doubt she knows that I’m messing with her, that I completely agree with her. But then, I think I’ve been open enough for one day, and Ramiel isn’t here to call me out for a change. I’m allowed to defend my emotions from time to time, aren’t I?
“You don’t mind if I speak?” she asks.
“Nope, go right ahead. I’m just gonna close my eyes for a little. Take it easy.”
“When are you not?” For once though, I think I hear a hint of affection in those words. “I’ll wake you up when it’s time for us to get going.” Hm. Well, she did say herself that opening up must’ve been hard for me. I guess she’s gonna let me off the hook for a change.
So, she doesn’t need to know that when she starts to offer up her prayer, I’m following her lead. Even as I start to nod off, I’m gracious. To Ilia. To the world she helped create. And to one little rookie, too naive for her own good.
I give my thanks.