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eunbyeol hadn't been in seoul for over a year, not since her church choir's last concert on christmas.
she had come to run an errand and found herself in a fairly positive mood so she had decided to take a walk before catching the train back. she skipped along in the fresh new snow, wearing a trench coat and her favorite pair of red mittens, a matching red scarf covering her neck and the long scar that marred it - a scar that haunted her but she was grateful for, nonetheless.
her fingers came up to brush against the scar unconsciously before she came to and dropped her hand awkwardly. she would never forget that day in the courtroom when she listed off her mother's sins before cutting herself, hoping to take her own voice away as punishment for everything she had done all for the sake of singing.
when she woke up in the hospital, she was relieved when she could still speak but thankfully it wasn't possible to sing anymore. the realization didn't make her as sad as she worried it would.
after her mother went to prison and her crimes were revealed, eunbyeol immediately withdrew from seoul university before they could kick her out. she sold all her medals and trophies and worked part time to get her own place and cut off contact with her university friends, her boyfriend, and everyone she knew from before.
but after a year of barely managing to pay rent and a day of working until her back ached, she stopped by a church to rest after a long day of labor. the choir was practicing when she came in, and she listened to them as she leaned back in the pews, her eyes closed, sweat dripping from exhaustion. but the angelic voices were anything but a comfort. their voices weren't synchronized, and their pitch was off. the director looked frazzled, like she was forced into this job and before eunbyeol knew it, she had stepped in, offering to help them perfect the song they were working on. it seemed that her love for singing had never left her, even if that bond was severed and tainted over the years by a competitive school, a demanding family, and the sharp knife in her own hands. after she was hired, she moved to an apartment nearby the church and found her new calling.
eunbyeol closed her eyes now as she remembered it all, letting out a long breath of relief into the frosty air. the wounds from the past were buried in her, the shape of a mother who didn't say goodbye still aching deep inside her, but on the outside she felt peaceful. like there was a path she was treading, slowly and steadily, with bumps in the road, but at least she was still going.
she turned and stared at her reflection in the window of a coffee shop, noticing the poster for hot chocolate. unable to resist, she stepped in, brushing the snow out of her hair and she ordered a hot chocolate. she sat down by the window, and as soon as her gaze flitted across the walls of the shop, her eyes focused on one particular poster.
it was a poster for an upcoming concert on december 27, 2028 for primadonna rona bae. she would be performing in seoul in two weeks, at the simwoon arts center. rona looked beautiful on the poster, hair swept up into a bun, wearing a sleeveless black dress, with the smile of someone who had followed her dreams and lived the fulfilling and famous life she deserved after all of the controversy and tragedies she had been through. the public knew it very well as seojin had done everything she could to ruin rona's name and when seojin's scandal came out, the same public that ripped her apart had nothing but sympathy for rona. her career had soared once she started touring, and soon it was hard to go anywhere without hearing her name.
eunbyeol didn't flinch anymore when she heard rona's name, but she would still remember all of the curses she had spoken to rona, telling her she'd never make it, that she was too poor to be able to sing in a concert hall, that she should have never started singing at all. the look of horror and pain on rona's face as she slashed her shoulders and pushed her down the stairs that night would haunt her forever. but these memories were welcome. back then, she had wanted to forget everything. now it was remembering that was her salvation. eunbyeol looked at the poster now, a small smile on her face, not a sad or regretful smile, but a relieved one.
after she had covered up oh yoonhee's death, eunbyeol knew there would be no reconciliation between them. it didn't matter if they were sisters to eunbyeol, it was their paths should never cross again. she would be sorry until the day she died and for that reason she couldn't face rona again. for someone who had made her life so miserable for years, the best she could do was stay away and live her own life and let rona live hers. seeing her successful from afar brought eunbyeol some relief - the relief that the damage she had done hadn't been enough to break her.
the waitress brought eunbyeol's hot chocolate, snapping her out of her thoughts, and she thanked and paid her. the hot scalding liquid was a welcome distraction to her ruminating thoughts and she sighed, closing her eyes. a moment later she heard a finger tapping the table across from her. she looked up and did a double take.
"joo- joo seokkyung?"
"so my eyes didn't deceive me. it is you, ha eun byeol," seokkyung smiled, sitting down across from her with a coffee cup in her hand. but there was no maliciousness or cockiness there would typically be in her expression. she wasn't wearing the designer clothes she usually would, instead she was wearing a flannel shirt with a few holes on her sleeves and worn out jeans with sneakers. her hair looked shorter and curlier than it had been when she last saw her. it was clear these past five years had changed her a lot.
"it's been a long time," eunbyeol said politely.
seokkyung nodded. "last time i saw you was..." she trailed off, hesitating to bring up that day in the courtroom. "it's been five years."
eunbyeol nodded. "so... how have you been?" she asked.
"good, actually," seokkyung said. "it's been hard, to be honest, but i feel much better than before about... everything."
"what have you been up to these days?" eunbyeol asked with genuine curiosity.
"i've been tutoring singing students," seokkyung said. "i decided not to go to college and let my brother have my inheritance. he fought me so hard on it..." she chuckled. "he even sends me money when i tell him not to. but i want to live a humble life now. i owe it to my mother after everything i've done," she laughed bitterly.
eunbyeol's surprise must have been evident on her face as seokkyung laughed again.
"surprising, right? i would have never seen myself choosing this lifestyle. but the only way i can live with myself is my starting from the bottom and living like min seola did..." her eyes clouded over with evident regret.
eunbyeol looked down at her lap, wondering how to tell her she felt the exact same.
"you went awol for years now," seokkyung said. "i heard from minhyuk that you dropped out of seoul university and no one's heard from you since."
eunbyeol nodded. "it's true i moved away from seoul. i found my own place and worked part time jobs for a while before i started working at a church as a choid director," she smiled. "i can't sing anymore but i can still teach."
seokkyung smiled. "looks like we're both teachers now. far cry from when we dreamed of being primadonnas."
eunbyeol smiled back sadly. "i think we have only ourselves to blame for that."
seokkyung nodded. "we do. this is the best we can do right now."
eunbyeol's gaze misted and she quickly blinked back tears. "so how have the others been?"
"i haven't seen them much, honestly," seokkyung replied quickly, clearing her throat. "jeni is studying in italy and minhyuk just got discharged from the military months ago. i think he's been planning to ask her out for years but she always gets away somehow."
eunbyeol laughed in surprise. "he still hasn't asked her out all this time? i always saw them hanging around each other in seoul university!"
seokkyung rolled her eyes. "he's going to lose her at this point. i heard she's studying with handsome italian men last time we spoke."
"so... you're on good terms with jenny?" eunbyeol asked.
seokkyung nodded, sipping her coffee. "i honestly wasn't expecting her to forgive me.... rona either. but whenever we met up with rona and oppa, she was friendly enough. we started talking more since last year, actually."
eunbyeol was quiet, wondering if she had the right to ask what she wanted to.
"rona is doing fine, by the way," seokkyung answered, seemingly reading her mind. "busy but doing well. i rarely see her and seokhoon oppa these days, they live in europe now and they're so busy with their concerts, they rarely come to korea.."
"oh," eunbyeol sighed in relief. "it's good they're doing well."
"they actually broke up a long time ago and got back together last year," seokkyung chuckled.
"what?" eunbyeol was genuinely surprised.
"my brother is so dumb, i still don't know why he did it," she rolled her eyes. "he acted like he was fine but he was clearly moping all this time. i kept telling him to reach out to her but he kept saying he didn't want to bother her when she's busy. but then she reached out and asked him to be her accompanist for her concert in korea last year and they got right back together."
what would have bothered her years ago didn't bring her any pain at all. eunbyeol smiled genuinely. "that's great. i'm really happy for them."
"you really won't speak to them again?" seokkyung inquired.
eunbyeol hesitated and shook her head. "i wouldn't know what to say. i would feel so embarrassed i think i'd run away," she peered up at seokkyung. "do you think they wouldn't mind seeing me again?" she asked, even though she believed she already knew what the answer would be. and even if they did want to see her, she wasn't sure if she could bring herself to revisit the past again. just the thought activated her instincts to run away.
"i'm not sure," seokkyung answered honestly. "i feel like it would be awkward. but i think they could get used to it. i mean, i wasn't expecting rona to ever forgive me but she did."
"rona did?" eunbyeol looked up.
"yes, actually i was... responsible for what happened to rona's mother," seokkyung admitted. "i apologized to her and she was cold to me at first but when we saw each other again a few years later, she was much warmer. she even invited me to eat with her after her concert," she smiled and shook her head. "i will never understand that girl."
"she really did?" eunbyeol asked wonderingly. then it struck her. "wait- how were you responsible for rona's mother? i'm the one who-"
"i told jin-saem where rona was hiding you. i helped her kidnap you," seokkyung admitted, looking her in the eye. "that's why rona's mother had to go after you and why things happened the way they did."
"that's..." eunbyeol was speechless. she wasn't mad at seokkyung nor did she blame her. she had no position to when she had done horrible things too and far worse things for that matter. but finding these things out years later stunned her. so it really wasn't all her fault. but then she deflated. "i still hid what my mother did. and i'm still technically the reason yoonhee ahjumma had to put herself in danger. it's still my fault."
seokkyung surprised her then, reaching forward and taking her hand. "we both did sick things. but it isn't up to us whether we should be forgiven or not."
eunbyeol looked her in the eyes, feeling her soul become warmer for the first time in many years. who knew meeting an old friend could bring her comfort after years of isolation and cold weather in her heart?
-
they decided to visit their mothers' graves as eunbyeol had already visited her father earlier that day and had paid her respects. seokkyung knelt down by suryeon's grave, her eyes closed, her back tense, eunbyeol standing a few steps away.
thinking of shim suryeon made eunbyeol sad. she always had her agenda against seojin which made her an enemy to eunbyeol, but she had still warned eunbyeol of her mother and shown her the truth that she would have been ignorant of until the very end. and her mother had killed suryeon with her own hands as eunbyeol watched. the thought that it took shim suryeon's death for eunbyeol to speak up and reveal her mother's crimes sickened her. this was guilt that would wrap its fingers around her neck and choke her for the rest of her life.
"omma..." she heard a whisper followed by a sob. seokkyung was crouched down, wiping her eyes with a shaking hand. eunbyeol quickly knelt beside her, rubbing her back as she cried. "i visit her all the time," she sobbed. "but it doesn't get any easier."
"i know," eunbyeol whispered, wondering how seokkyung felt being comforted by the daughter of her mother's murderer. she remembered when seokkyung splashed paint on rona when her mother was framed for killing suryeon. yet now she was being comforted and held by the daughter of her mother's real murderer. it was strange how the world worked and how people changed throughout the times. she felt that somehow their hearts had become softer, overriden by guilt so that the only fingers they could point were towards themselves now.
"i thought giving up my inheritance would make me feel better," seokkyung whispered. "i thought it would give me a fucking moral superiority complex or whatever. i'm still selfish. and i still feel horrible."
eunbyeol rubbed soothing circles onto her back. "you're doing the best that you can right now. i'm sure she's watching you and is proud of you."
seokkyung shook her head, sobbing. "yes, she would which is why i feel even more awful."
eunbyeol held her closer, resting her head on seokkyung's shoulder. she had to hold on because if they stayed together, maybe they could stay afloat on this sea of guilt together. she had to be seokkyung's strength in order for seokkyung to be her strength in return.
but when they arrived at seojin's grave, eunbyeol felt anything but strong.
she felt her heart walling up and the icy cold drifting back in.
it had been a year since she let herself feel anything for her mother. that day on september 2027 when she so excitedly visited the prison to see her mother for the first time in four years. she had kept away, knowing her mother had throat cancer and not thinking she would ever see her again, even though it made her feel bad. but as time went by, the distance gave her space to heal and find her footing so she accepted holding a concert in the prison with the hopes that they could reunite this way and seojin could see she was doing fine. but when they arrived for the concert, her mother was nowhere to be found.
they told her they had let her go out today but seojin's time had passed and there was no response on her side for hours. later that night, they found her body, collapsed with pills scattered around, with one last letter for eunbyeol. it turned out she had been watching eunbyeol in her last moments as she boarded the bus. when eunbyeol got the phone call, her heart dropped and her blood went cold but she didn't cry once. she couldn't, not when she had been preparing for years when she heard seojin had throat cancer.
but when she saw her body on the stretcher, that's when the tear drops fell. she thought she would be used to this. she thought everything that had happened in the last few years had steeled her heart and that she was all grown up now. but as she crouched on the floor, hands to her mouth, shaking and sobbing at the sight of her mother's lifeless body, she had a realization: i haven't grown up at all.
she was stuck at 15, the year she had attempted to take her life. it hadn't been easy getting back up and acting like she had been born anew and had the perfect life after her mother was appointed director. but she had to wear a mask of a happy daughter who had everything she needed from her mother in order to survive. she had to push away the broken girl who was haunted by her mother's crimes, her parents' broken marriage, the never-ending mountain of expectations.
but that girl was exactly who she was on that day on september. she would never be able to wear that mask that had ensured her survival again.
now she stood before seojin's grave, visiting for the first time in over a year. she had been in inconsolable pain since her death and had been bedridden for months but the worst part was that she felt relieved in some way, like a huge burden was lifted off her chest even though she hadn't felt the weight of it in a long time. she had a hard time making sense of things at first but it was much clearer now. she was just glad that no matter what had happened, she and her mother loved each other unconditionally even if they ended up hurting each other. the love in their memories was enough to thaw the ice in her heart and keep her going. maybe in this way her mother could be her strength.
eunbyeol placed the flowers in front of her grave and stood up, standing beside seokkyung.
"i'll never understand them," seokkyung whispered, staring straight ahead.
eunbyeol smiled and shook her head. "i don't think they want us to." through their choices, we can live better than them. that's what they would have wanted. that's what it was all for.
seokkyung looked back at her and gave her a small smile. "probably."
the sun set before them, framing their silhouettes as two girls who would never understand but would wake up the next morning and carry on, with their hearts a little lighter and less burdened than before. they wouldn't surrender to the sound but they would carry it for their lives, the reminder to stay clean and live well.