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She’d thought that was The Moment. Standing gazing out at the sea bed, fish swirling the light from the TARDIS. She couldn’t stop looking at the Doctor’s lips. She felt dazed, cramped in the doorway with the Doctor looking at her that closely, calling herself her date. Eyes staring into each of her own. That wonky mouth, speaking. “Somethings missing.” Her heart skipped a beat. It was gonna happen. Oh my god was it gonna happen?
“No ship Sherlock”
Oh. The Doctor kept talking but she ignored that. She licked her lips and swallowed, tried to bring herself back to reality. One last look at those lips. Not hers. She was a fool to think this was a moment. Just another Doctorism. She blinked a few times and tried to focus on what was being said. Nothing here. She should have known. Back to business. Try not to look sad, get a grip. It wasn’t any different to every other moment.
She’d thought it once before. She hadn’t quite realised. “I want to tell you everything” and that beautiful face so close to hers. Those gorgeous eyes filling with tears. That was before she’d admitted it. Before she finally accepted she couldn’t run from the reality of this.
Come on, focus. Missing shipwreck. Say something helpful. “Could it have moved with the currents over time?” Good job, that seemed normal. Oh no don’t look at that face. She was still reeling.
The Doctor dropped to the floor and she frowned. Took a moment to look away, look up. Focus on the fish not your breaking heart. Oh… focus on the missing sea floor. Wait the what? Right, bigger fish to fry. Oh really, bigger fish. Really really big fish.
Ignore how you both ended up crashed on the floor, faces smushed against the tiles under the pressure.
Immediate crisis first. Personal can wait til later.
———
“Did you say anything to the Doctor?”
She had to ask him. Why else would the Doctor be acting weird suddenly? She couldn’t stop thinking about it. The Doctor was suddenly softer, mentioning dates and showing off in a different way, gentle touches.
She almost couldn’t bear to look at his face.
“About what I said to you?”
She felt like a scared kid, not his equal. But he just shrugged. “Like what?“
“I dunno. Something…” was off, something was weird, something was better. She didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“Has she said something to you?”
HUH? “Why? What would she say to me?”
“Oh come on Yaz. Can’t you see it?”
He was way too blasé. She couldn’t tell. What if it was just her projecting her own desires? What if she was reading it wrong? He could be wrong. But it didn’t matter. The Doctor was back. She didn’t have time for the complex feelings boiling through her chest. Shoved out the way she watched the Doctor sorting the controls, breaths heavy in her lungs. She didn’t know how to deal with all of this. She couldn’t do it.
“Yaz with me” wait what? That concerned look on the Doctor’s face. A hand held out to her. She took it but she was baffled. She wasn’t being left behind this time. Something had definitely changed. She threw a last look back to Dan and let herself be propelled forwards by the Doctor.
Control core. Come on get those emotions in check. Imminent crisis first, personal crisis later.
Worry about getting out before you get crushed first. Your silly little crush can wai-
“You know what I said earlier about not being a bad date?”
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. She frowned. Was this the moment? Oh that wasn’t a good expression.
“Well, dates are not something I really do, you know.”
Oh.
“I mean, I used to. Have done. And if I was going to, believe me, it would be with you”
What? What was the Doctor saying? This impossible alien couldn’t help being impossible. Their eyes met.
“I think you’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever known”
Those were… her words. Echoed, updated. She didn’t know how to react. The Doctor thought that?
“Including my wife!”
“Your what?”
“Er… wasn’t going to mention that. It was a long time ago. I was a different man back then. But the point is….”
The Doctor moved back past her. She was still frozen, trying to keep up.
“…if it was going to be anyone… it’d be you”
What was this? She couldn’t work out what was going on. Was she being told yes or no? Were her feelings returned? The Doctor was too chaotic, probably trying to let her down gently. It was a no in the most bittersweet way.
“But I can’t.”
She was frustrated. If the Doctor felt the same…
“Why not?”
“Because at some point, time always runs out”
A spark exploding in the Doctor’s face as if to emphasise the point. More impending crisis to push out the personal. Back to panicking about their impending death rather than the heart bleeding on the floor.
“Yaz you have to go. Get the others out. I’ll keep this in place”
She was already shaking her head before the Doctor before she could finish. Not now. She hated leaving the Doctor but definitely not now. But she was saved by Ji Hun. The Doctor was so ready to sacrifice herself but hated someone else doing so. She was still reeling, too much was happening.
“And you need to run”
She could certainly do that.
———
“We’re just a crew. From a ship. Looking for adventure”
Yeah. Just looking for adventure. Nothing more.
“And often finding it”
That was definitely true. She wouldn’t get her moment with the Doctor without explosions and disaster. But she loved the adventures.
“Where will you go now?”
“Good question”
Time to be brave. “You do keep promising us a beach”. Nailed it. Focus on her eyes, don’t look at those lips. She’s not interested. She’s smiling back. Smile!
———
Dan knew. He’d given them space. He had his own thing anyway.
She was sat next to the Doctor who was frowning at the waves. This was it.
“You ok?”
They were on a flat rock, watching the waves crash in gently. Close but not close enough.
“Yaz…”
She didn’t like that tone of voice. She could do nothing to prepare her heart. It was too late. She nodded and watched the Doctor lick her lips. She wondered what the Doctor was so nervous to say. She watched her fail initially.
“I can’t fix myself…”
What? The Doctor wasn’t broken.
“…to anything…”
Oh.
“…anywhere…”
Don’t say it
“…or anyone”
Too late. She swallowed softly, her mouth dry.
“I’ve never been able to.”
She swallowed again. Swallowed the bitter pill of falling in love with an alien with commitment issues. She was finally getting her wish: the Doctor was opening up, being honest, telling the painful truth. And it stung.
“That’s what my life is”
That’s it then. Her throat bobbed. How could she have ever hoped? It had been so stupid to ever think the Doctor could be hers.
“Yeah, of course” she said as though her heart wasn’t being pulled out, pulverised, stuck in a blender and shoved back in.
“Not because I don’t want to.” A pause. “Because I might.”
She turned her head. How could the Doctor tell her that? What did that mean? Could the Doctor even feel anything for humans? She was just a blip on the endless canvas of the Doctor’s life, a pencil smudge. Was she hearing that right?
“But if I do fix myself to somebody, I know sooner or later, it’ll hurt”
But she was hurting already. This hurt. It had hurt for years. It would hurt in the future. But she could take all that hurt if she could have this. Was it not worth that? To have her moment of happiness anyway?
She breathed out, trying to steel herself. Allowed herself a second. Gathered the remnants of her courage.
“My Nani says courage is knowing something will hurt and doing it anyway. Mind you, she also said it’s the definition of stupidity”
A soft laugh. A brief respite of lightness in a conversation that was breaking three hearts. She kept looking out at the water. At least she could still make her laugh.
The Doctor turned towards her and she looked back. Last chance. Last hope.
“Can we just live in the present? Of what we have while we still have it?”
That last hope now lay dying, battered and broken over the rocks. She watched it die. She wasn’t going to cry. She blinked rapidly.
“Sure”
It was over. Nothing left. She would just continue on. They would continue on. Ignoring this. She would step over the shattered remains of her silly little heart and continue. She had to prove she could. She picked up a rock, hesitated. Summoned a smile. She was so good at hiding the pain. Held it out.
“Make a wish and skim it”
She tried to ignore how the Doctor’s fingers brushed against hers, gently releasing the rock. Let her smile drop as she watched the Doctor. The pain dragged it away. She let the last pieces fall as the Doctor stood.
“I wish…”
“You can’t say your wish out loud!”
“You can where I’m from!”
Another reminder, as if she ever needed them. At least she’d get to hear what the Doctor wanted. Or at least what she was willing to say. She scoffed, smiling.
“I wish… I wish this would go on forever”
Her new smile froze, faltered, dropped.
Forever with a broken heart.