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It's been a while. And Maruca knows it's been a while. And she knows Biana left her, and that she hates aer, and they haven't spoken in years. She knows Biana insisted she never speak to aer again, and she was perfectly happy to oblige. With all the facts lined up, it makes no sense for her to knock on the Healing Center door. Makes no sense to ask Elwin if Biana would be alright with visitors. Makes no sense to be holding violets and some pointless, arbitrary, "get well soon" card too tightly in her hand.
None of this makes any sense.
Maruca has never had an easy time with sensible decisions, not when it came to Biana.
She'd been telling herself she didn't care about Biana. Didn't care, didn't care, gave no shits about the girl who kissed her and ran away and pretended she didn't exist. Completely over it. No shits given whatsoever. It hadn't been a very convincing facade, even to herself but she'd at least put effort into pretending she didn't care. Apparently, her friends had not been fooled in the slightest.
Marella hailed her that morning, overflowing with the story of what had happened in Atlantis. Fintan, captured. Linh, saved Atlantis from flooding. Biana, found in a pool of aer own blood.
She didn't care about Biana, didn't care about Biana. If she didn't care, why did her breath hitch hearing what happened to Biana? Why did her chest turn hot with panic? Why did she throw question after question at Marella, demanding to know if ae was going to live, where ae was, could she see aer?-
"Come on in, Maruca," Elwin says, cutting off her Biana-induced thought spiral. She nods and steps inside the Healing Center, suddenly overtaken by the urge to drop the flowers and run. Biana. How would she talk to Biana? Outside of the thousand imagined scenarios since ae'd left? What would she say?
She used to be able to talk to Biana as easily as she breathed. A thought floated into her head, and she turned to share it with aer. Simple as that. Things used to be simple with the two of them, didn't they? Not since that one night, that one sleepover, that one kiss that she still thinks about years later?
"Hey," she says, stupidly, not at all as eloquent as her fantasies. "You look..."
"Like shit, I know," Biana mumbles, and then ae blinks. "Maruca?"
"Hi," she repeats. Stares at her hand like she's never seen it before. "I brought you flowers."
Ae nods. "You did. Put them with the others, I guess. What brings you here?"
What did bring her here? "I wanted to see you."
"Everyone wants to see me. Almost dying made me really popular."
"You were already popular."
Biana sighs. "You're right. I wonder if it'll stay like that, when I get better. When I'm not injured enough to be a martyr, but not beautiful enough to be... what I was." Ae tugs at a bandage on aer shoulder, moving it out of place just enough to reveal long, bloody scratches. When Maruca winces, ae huffs a sigh. "Elwin doesn't think the scars will go away. Too severe. They'll fade, but they'll always be a part of me. I won't be perfect anymore."
Maruca gently takes Biana's hand away from aer shoulder, where it was scratching furiously. "You'll make it worse," she chides gently, and for a disorienting moment, they're ten years old again, and Maruca is helping after Biana skinned aer knee playing bramble. She coughs and draws her hands back like ae's on fire. "Is it the end of the world if your scars take away your popularity? You always hated being popular. Hated having to be perfect all the time. It's why you-" she cuts herself off, but judging by Biana's flinch, the point gets across. It's why you ran away from me.
"I know." Aer voice is thick. "I'm sorry. I never said that, did I? I tried a thousand times. Held up my imparter, or started a letter, or opened my mouth to call your name in the hallways. Never got around to actually apologizing. I couldn't find the nerve to actually speak to you. I'm a coward, and I'm sorry. For everything."
Biana. Apologizing. It doesn't compute. It really doesn't. Maruca had resigned herself to thinking that Biana hated her, would never speak to her again, never try to make amends. Because this? This gives her hope. And hope is bad. Her voice cracks as she says "Sorry doesn't exactly fix that. You kissed me, and then you never spoke to me again. You... I loved you, and you left me."
"I know. I know. I'm sorry. I panicked. You're right, I hated being in the spotlight and having to be perfect, but... I didn't want to lose it, either. It felt like a prison, but it was still the only thing I've ever known, and I didn't know how to cope with that change. I wasn't willing to risk the throne I hated for you, and I regret not taking that risk. Every day. You were worth it, and I'm sorry I didn't see that. I know that doesn't fix things, but I... wanted you to know that I still care."
"Well." She swallows. "Now I know." It's not a very good response. She doesn't know what a good response would be. Biana scratches at a scar again, and Maruca- stupid, stupid sapphic brain- grabs aer hand to stop aer from hurting aerself. And then their fingers are tangled together. Maruca rips hers away and stuffs it in her pocket. "I'm glad you apologized. And I'm glad you... still care about me. But I'm still hurt, so I... I think I might need some time."
Ae nods. "Take all the time you need. You don't need to forgive me right away. Or ever."
"I don't know how long it'll be. I don't really even know how I feel, or how I should feel, or..." She wrings her hands, hoping that expresses what her vocal cords are currently failing at. All the frustration and confusion and anger and yearning and... dammit, too many conflicting emotions. Biana has always given her too many conflicting emotions.
"It's a confusing situation. They should make handbooks; 'What to do when your gay best friend kisses you, runs away, and apologizes years later.'"
Maruca laughs, and briefly tilts into a world where she's still Biana's friend and they're young, laughing below a rainbow tree in Everglen's yard, beaming at one another because the world hasn't yet begun to decay their love. Then she blinks, and she's back. She'd forgotten how good it felt to laugh with Biana. Too good. She bites her lip to stop wallowing in how much she misses that, and shrugs. "I'll figure something out."
"You're smart like that," Biana agrees. Aer face softens into a sad smile. "I missed you. I miss you."
"I miss you too."
This time, when Biana takes her hand, she doesn't pull it back. "When and if you're ever ready, I'd... I'd like to be friends again. We don't have to be- whatever that kiss was- I just want you in my life. Let me know if that's, like, something you'd be interested in someday, when all of this bullshit dies down, but if not, you're completely within your rights to ignore me forever, I definitely wouldn't blame you if that's what you want, but if you ever stop hating me and you want to be friends-"
"Maybe," Maruca says, effectively cutting off the spiral. "Someday."
"Someday," ae echoes. "Thanks for the flowers. And for stopping by. I've been seeing a lot of old friends these days, but I wasn't sure if you'd... ever want to speak to me again. I wouldn't have blamed you. But I'm glad you're still speaking to me."
"I didn't think I'd want to speak to you again, either, but then you got hurt and... apparently I never stopped caring about you." Hearts are stupid like that sometimes.
Biana gives her something like a smile. "It would probably be easier for you to not care. But I'm- selfishly- relieved you do. I've always cared about you more than I should, too. I should probably still be ashamed that I cared so much, but the only thing I'm ashamed of is running away. I never do what I should when it comes to you."
She laughs. "We're both just idiot lesbians, aren't we?"
"We are."
"I'm glad I decided to come see you. It was about time we talked about..." That kiss. "...everything."
Biana lifts aer shoulders in a half shrug that looks painful. "Communication is apparently good for a relationship, who knew?"
"If only you'd known that earlier." In fairness, Maruca hadn't been the best at communication either. But at least she didn't run away and cut off contact for years rather than face her feelings. a low bar, but she was better than aer in this regard.
"Yeah, I fucked up," ae agrees. "But if we- if you ever want to... try again, I'll do better."
Try again. Maruca had barely let herself hope that trying again might ever be anything resembling a possibility. Her breath catches. When she finally regains the ability to inhale and exhale like a normal person, she says "I might like that. Someday." She rubs her thumb over aer knuckles before gently drawing her hand back. "Until then, I hope feel better, Bee."
She can't quite stop herself from smiling as she walks away.