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When the unsigned piece of paper — with nothing more than a date and time scribbled on it by a familiar hand — first crossed Qi Fengge’s desk, his instinct was to ignore it. After all, what good would it do him now to see the man he could no longer be with? It was better to make a clean break, right?
Qi Fengge read the note again and glanced down at the baby slumbering on his chest, his tiny hand clutching at his robe. No matter what he told himself, his heart ached to see Hulugu again. To hear his voice after so long. To be held in his warm embrace. To show him their son…
Qi Fengge scrunched the note up and threw it across the room away from him, as if the physical distance between him and that invitation would make it easier to quash the pull he felt towards Hulugu. The fight that they had staged between them had done its job at convincing the Jianghu they were nothing more than enemies. Why undo all that hard work?
Qi Fengge resisted for all of a moment before picking the note up from the floor and attempting to smooth the crumpled paper out again.
As the days dragged on and the date Hulugu had set for the meeting drew ever closer, the guilt within Qi Fengge grew until it was suffocating. He couldn’t leave Hulugu standing there, waiting for him to appear, only for the cold realisation to sweep over when he didn’t show up. His heart ached at the thought of leaving Hulugu alone. He would go to him. Meet him one last time and say his goodbyes. It would give them closure.
When the morning of the meeting dawned, Qi Fengge was awake earlier than usual. The baby had been restless all night, as if he could sense Qi Fengge’s apprehension about what was to come today. Qi Fengge had soothed him the best he could, but nothing worked for long. He had given up on getting any sleep, choosing instead to get dressed in his usual green robes and to tie his hair in a neat bun.
As the time approached for Qi Fengge to leave, he passed the baby to his shidi, Kong Zeng, who had agreed to watch over him for the day. Qi Fengge fussed over the unsettled child in his shidi’s arm, stroking his soft cheek in a soothing motion.
“Don’t worry about him, Qi-ge,” Kong Zeng smiled. “I’ll take good care of him until you get back.”
Qi Fengge nodded, he knew that, but he couldn’t shake the lingering feeling that this was wrong. Leaving his son here was wrong.
Before he could change his mind, Qi Fengge gave his son’s head a gentle pat and bid Kong Zeng farewell. With a swish of his robes, Qi Fengge made his way down the mountain.
Each step Qi Fengge took brought him one step closer to Hulugu, but it also took him one step further from his baby. It’s not right. Hulugu should meet this baby. Even if he didn’t know the whole truth, Qi Fengge couldn’t bear to rob him of what would likely be the only opportunity he’d have.
Turning on his heel, Qi Fengge hurried back to the Sect. He didn’t have to look for long until he spotted his shidi, absorbed in his task of cooing at the baby and pulling funny faces. When Kong Zeng caught sight of Qi Fengge, he blushed and avoided his shixiong’s bemused gaze.
“Qi-ge, what are you doing back here? Did you forget something?” Kong Zeng’s expression morphed into one of confusion.
“I did, actually.” Qi Fengge held his arms out for his baby. Kong Zeng’s eyes widened at the request, but he handed Qi Fengge the little bundle all the same.
As he headed down the mountain for the second time, Qi Fengge knew in his head this was a bad decision. But his heart told him this was the right thing to do.
~~~~~~~~
Hulugu tried to resist the urge to pace as he glanced around the small clearing. Qi Fengge was late. He hoped nothing had happened to him, that no one intercepted his message to meet here.
Hulugu’s breath formed clouds in the air as the tip of his nose turned a rosey red. He sensed someone approaching just as Qi Fengge entered his field of view. Hulugu’s heart leapt at the sight of his Daoist. He had missed his company these past months. Missed those gentle eyes, that soft smile and the passionate moments they shared when the moon hung high in the sky as the only witness.
As Qi Fengge approached, worry dulled Hulugu’s initial excitement. Qi Fengge, his beloved A-Feng, looked awful. His face was white as the snow that cloaked the trees, the redness of his cheeks from the biting wind only emphasising the paleness. As he drew closer still, Hulugu could see the purple bruises under his eyes.
“A-Feng…” Hulugu reached for Qi Fengge, his first instinct to hug him close. Hulugu jerked in surprise at the unexpected hand on his chest, nudging him backwards.
“Sorry…I shouldn’t have…I know we can’t…”
Qi Fengge smiled, but it was feeble and didn’t reach his eyes. Eyes which were as soft and gentle as before but now clouded with exhaustion.
“It’s not that, you’ll crush the baby.”
“Th-the baby?”
Qi Fengge’s smile brightened at the surprise on Hulugu’s face. He pulled his heavy cloak aside so Hulugu could see the little bundle resting in the crook of his arm.
Hulugu pulled the blanket back gently, trying his best not to disturb the sleeping baby.
“He’s…so tiny, A-Feng,” Hulugu said. “Why do you have a child so small?”
“He’s my new disciple. H-he…I found him on the steps of Mount Xuandu when I was returning from my Closed Door Meditation.” No matter how many times Qi Fengge had practised saying those words, they always stuck in his throat.
“He can’t be older than a few months... I didn’t think Mount Xuandu accepted disciples so young,” Hulugu said as he stroked the baby’s soft cheek, his usually expressionless features curving into a smile as the little boy leant into his touch.
“He likes you.” Qi Fengge looked fond even as his heart ached. “Would...would you like to hold him?” He held his breath as he waited for Hulugu to answer.
Hulugu nodded, holding his arms out. “I hope he doesn’t cry. Children don’t like me the way they like my shizun…”
“He’ll be fine,” Qi Fengge reassured, passing the baby to him before checking that Hulugu was supporting him correctly.
Hulugu gazed at the little boy in his arms, rocking him from side to side. He weighed barely anything at all.
“What is his name?
“His name…is Shen Qiao, A-Qiao…”
“A-Qiao…” Hulugu’s smile broadened as the baby’s eyes opened, as if he knew they were talking about him. “Oh, he’s done napping it seems. Hello A-Qiao, I’m a…friend of your shizun’s.”
Qi Fengge said nothing. What was there left to say? Neither of them wanted to part, but the world in which they lived wasn’t ready to accept a love like theirs. Not yet. And he’d sworn to himself that he couldn’t tell Hulugu the truth about this child. How could he? How could he introduce Hulugu to his son and in the next breath say that he couldn’t ever see him again.
Hulugu was already so tender with this child, how much more tender would he be if he knew the baby he held so reverently was his son. Qi Fengge did his best to pretend the piercing wind was the reason for the tears that blurred his vision. His logical side was screaming at him to leave now, to take Shen Qiao and run. Run before Hulugu could work it out. Run before he could get too attached to his child.
Hulugu tickled Shen Qiao’s stomach softly and Qi Fengge was surprised when the normally quiet baby giggled. Unrestrained joy lit up Hulugu’s sullen features.
“Little A-Qiao reminds me of Duan Wenyang. A child from home. My shizun would like for me to accept him as a disciple.”
Qi Fengge’s blood turned to ice in his veins. “Oh? In…what way does A-Qiao remind you of him?”
“His eyes mainly, they’re bright and curious like Wenyang’s, and a similar colour also. He’s a smart child, hopefully your little A-Qiao grows up the same.”
“Ah, I hope so too…” Qi Fengge took a steadying breath before continuing, feigning nonchalance even as his hands shook. “Is there anything else about A-Qiao that reminds you of him?”
Hulugu looked confused by the question, but looked down at Shen Qiao all the same. “Nothing that reminds me of him…. But his hair is like Wenyang’s mother’s, dark but with a tinge of red in it.”
Hulugu lifted Shen Qiao up so that the weak winter sunlight caught his small tuft of hair, highlighting the redness within, the same redness that Qi Fengge could see in Hulugu’s own neatly plaited hair. Shen Qiao laughed in Hulugu’s arms, seeming to enjoy being held upright, his bright, curious eyes darting around to take in the vast new world around him. Qi Fengge loved Hulugu’s eyes; he was glad their son had inherited them.
The sound of the baby’s laughter eased Qi Fengge’s misery for a moment, hearing his son’s giggle made him love him that little bit more. When Qi Fengge glanced Hulugu’s way again, he felt the worry return twofold.
Hulugu was frozen in place, staring at the smiling baby in his arms. He looked at Qi Fengge, then back to the baby before settling his gaze on Qi Fengge again. Despite the grey clouds that promised more snow, ice cold sweat ran down Qi Fengge’s neck.
“A-Feng, why…why does A-Qiao look like you?”
“You’re imagining things, A-Hu. I told you, I found him and brought him with me to Mount Xuandu when I returned from my seclusion.”
“A-Feng…A-Qiao…when he smiles, it’s like I’m looking at you.”
Panic surged within Qi Fengge, like the tide rushing to cover the land. He was drowning in panic. He couldn’t breathe, couldn't think clearly. Hulugu couldn’t find out the truth. He couldn’t.
“It’s nothing-“
“It’s not nothing. I didn’t think you could get any paler, yet when I said A-Qiao looked like you, you lost what little colour you had left.” The smile abandoned Hulugu’s face, the expression now one that Qi Fengge found himself unable to read.
“I…hadn’t been feeling well for a while and that’s why I went into seclusion; I’m still recovering.” Qi Fengge hoped the sleeves of his robe covered the trembling of his hands. “And then I found A-Qiao…I could never part with him but it isn’t easy caring for a baby. There’s no mystery to unravel…”
“No, that’s not right. A-Qiao…he’s your son.” There was no question in Hulugu’s voice. He already knew the answer. “He doesn’t have your hair or eyes, but the rest of him, all I can see is you. You told me yourself when we first met that you are an orphan, so he can’t belong to a relative of yours.”
The silence stretched between them. Qi Fengge’s mood sank even further. When had things become so strained between them?
“Please, A-Feng…don’t lie to me,” Hulugu pleaded.
Qi Fengge opened his mouth but no words came forth. He couldn’t do this…He couldn’t lie to Hulugu. Qi Fengge nodded in defeat. Perhaps if he admitted to this then Hulugu wouldn’t pry any deeper.
Hulugu remained silent, staring at Shen Qiao again, deep in thought. The silence stretched between them for a long moment, punctuated only by the creaking of the tree branches as they swayed in the wind. Qi Fengge held his breath. Waiting, hoping, that Hulugu didn’t have anything else to say.
“Is-is A-Qiao my son?” Hulugu’s voice cracked as he spoke, both fear and hope weaving across his face.
“He-I, I…what makes you think that?” Qi Fengge’s mind raced as he searched for anything he could use as an excuse.
“He has my hair, my eyes…that’s why he reminds me of Wenyang and his mother. But the rest of him is you. No wonder he’s so perfect.”
“How do you know I didn’t lay with another…'' It was a weak excuse, but Qi Fengge had to try.
“I know you, A-Feng, you would never do that to me.”
Qi Fengge’s vision blurred as the weight of Hulugu’s trust in him knocked the air from his lungs.
‘How can you have so much faith in me? I would have kept your son from you if only I hadn’t been so weak that I brought him with me today.’
Qi Fengge startled at the warm hand that cupped his cheek.
“A-Feng, why the tears?”
Qi Fengge didn’t answer him, releasing a shaky breath as Hulugu’s thumb brushed away the tears under his eye. When he didn’t answer, Hulugu stepped closer until he was closer to him than was proper, Shen Qiao balanced in the crook of his arm, as if it was the most natural place for him to be. Qi Fengge should have taken Shen Qiao back, pushed Hulugu away, but he couldn’t raise his arms to do it no matter how he tried.
“I-I…” Qi Fengge’s breath hitched. This was too much. Seeing Hulugu again, how tenderly he acted towards him. Qi Fengge choked on his breath. How good he was with A-Qiao...
“A-Feng, you’re scaring me…”
“He’s yours…A-Qiao is your son.”
Hulugu nodded, anyone would think the news had no effect on him, but Qi Fengge could feel the hand that was stroking his cheek shaking.
Qi Fengge was convinced Hulugu would never want a child, or at least, would never want to raise his child. Even if the unspoken feelings between them ran deeper, both of them had accepted they could never last, that there would only ever be that brief moment in time that connected them. But now…now they had a son together. A child that would always serve as a reminder of the relationship between them, would keep them connected forever, even if they could no longer be together.
Qi Fengge had been so certain in his conviction that Hulugu would be willing, if not entirely happy, to let what was between them become a relic of the past even if he knew of his son, to let it be a secret that they both knew but never spoke of.
However, the enamoured smile Hulugu gave Shen Qiao and the soft kiss he pressed on Qi Fengge’s forehead along with the whispered ‘thank you’…
Qi Fengge wasn’t so sure of his judgement any more.
Hulugu pulled Qi Fengge close, his arm resting around his waist while Shen Qiao nestled securely in his other.
“When did you find out you were expecting A-Qiao? How old is he now?”
“I found out almost two months after you left, I thought I was just ill at first. Then when the illness didn’t go away…I started to wonder,” Qi Fengge smiled as he remembered that moment of realisation that he was going to be a parent. He’d dreamt of a family once, until his shizun’s expectations for him pushed that dream further and further from his grasp. Qi Fengge stroked his thumb over the back of his son’s hand, smiling when Shen Qiao tried to grasp his finger. “Agewise, A-Qiao is almost three months old now.”
Seeing how Shen Qiao reached for Qi Fengge, Hulugu carefully passed him back, smiling when his son settled in Qi Fengge’s arms with a sigh.
Hulugu couldn’t stop staring at the image of Qi Fengge with a baby in his arms. Their baby. He never thought he would want this; a lover, a family…but Qi Fengge kept surprising him, kept showing him that what he thought he wanted and what he actually needed were different things. He didn’t want to let either of them go. He wanted to hold them close and cherish them. If only Qi Fengge would allow him to.
“A-Feng, I left you alone on Mount Xuandu to deal with all this alone, I’m sure you were scared.”
“I was..worried for a bit, yes. But you didn’t abandon me, neither of us knew A-Qiao was going to happen.”
“Even so, I couldn’t help you then. But I will help you now. I promise I won’t leave you again. Either of you.”
“Help me?” Qi Fengge lifted his head to meet Hulugu’s gaze. “Help me with what, A-Hu?”
“Raising A-Qiao. I want to help look after our son.”
Qi Fengge’s heart soared and for a blissful moment he forgot the decision he had already made, his plans to raise Shen Qiao as nothing more than his disciple. Hulugu wanted to be involved with his son. He wanted to stay with them both!
Qi Fengge’s joy was short-lived as reality doused him like a wave of ice-cold water. He couldn’t be with Hulugu, no matter how much he longed to. Shen Qiao could never know who his father was, who either of his parents were. The fact that Hulugu cared, wanted to be involved…it made everything that much more difficult. More painful.
“I…it makes me happy, knowing that you care for A-Qiao so much…”
“He’s our son, how could I not care for him?” Hulugu’s brow creased in thought. “It sounds like you have concerns, however?”
“I mean it, A-Hu, I’m relieved you care for our child and that you want to be involved but…” Qi Fengge took a steadying breath. “But you can’t be involved, no-one can ever know.”
“A-Feng…”
“I…won’t be raising him as my son either, he will be my disciple only and nothing more.” Qi Fengge gazed at Hulugu imploringly. “It’s for his own good, it’s the only way to keep him safe.”
“To keep him safe from what? A-Qiao would be safer with us both protecting him.”
“No-one can find out that we’re his parents, how many would use him as a way to get to you, or to me? You’re beginning to make a name for yourself now, A-Hu, not everyone likes that. What if someone targets A-Qiao?”
“I will destroy them. I won’t let anyone harm my son.”
“What about my shizun? You know very well how he feels about you and…your homeland. I fear what he would do to A-Qiao should he find out.”
“I wouldn’t let even your shizun harm our son.” Hulugu’s gaze was firm and his firm tone of voice left Qi Fengge in no doubt that he meant those words.
“It’s not that simple A-Hu, I wish with all my heart it was.” Qi Fengge sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “My shizun is too strong and his grievances too well entrenched for him to change them now.”
“You’re denying him the love we can give him. To instead raise him to think we didn’t want him?”
“No, A-Hu…I won’t let him think that-”
“How? You have already told your sect you found him abandoned on the steps.”
When Qi Fengge remained silent, Hulugu continued.
“Do you really think you can go through life hearing him call you ‘shizun’ instead of-”
“I knew I shouldn’t have brought A-Qiao here, this was a mistake…” Qi Fengge wrenched himself from Hulugu’s embrace. “It would have been better for everyone if only I had to bear the burden of this secret.”
“A-Feng, wait!” Hulugu’s warm hand grabbed his shoulder gently, mindful of the baby in Qi Fengge’s arms. “Please, don’t go. Let’s talk about this.”
“What more is there to talk about? We can’t be together, you know we can’t…so what difference does one more secret between us make?”
“Come with me, A-Feng.”
Qi Fengge froze. He turned to face Hulugu, his eyes wide as he whispered, “W-what?”
“Come with me, A-Feng.” Hulugu repeated, holding Qi Fengge’s arms, as if he was afraid he would vanish if he dared let him go. “If we can’t be together on Mount Xuandu, come back home with me. We can be a family, raise A-Qiao together.”
Hulugu’s pleading was wearing down Qi Fengge’s will to resist him. He wanted so much to say yes. To go with the man he loved and never look back. To have a family with him.
“Please A-Feng, we don’t have to go to Tujue if you don’t want to. We can go anywhere, settle down and start again. As long as I have you and A-Qiao…so long as I have the two of you by my side, I will never need anything more.”
“I…I can’t A-Hu, you know I can’t…” Qi Fengge whispered.
“Please, at least think about it. Please don’t make any hasty decisions. I will stay nearby for as long as it takes. I can give you some time to think..”
Qi Fengge hesitated, the more time he had to think about it the more likely he was to give in. But he owed Hulugu that much at least. He couldn’t move ahead with the decision he had made previously given the error in the assumptions he had based it upon. He needed to make his decision again, this time with the full picture in mind.
“Alright, I’ll think about it. I’ll send you a note when I’ve decided.”
Relief washed across Hulugu’s expression as he nodded his agreement. He hesitated before leaning forward slowly and pressing a soft kiss to Qi Fengge’s cheek, before stepping away. Qi Fengge missed his warmth. He wanted to close the distance between them again, he wanted to kiss Hulugu properly, but he was afraid. If he allowed himself to get that close, Qi Fengge didn’t think he would have the strength to walk away.
Hulugu quietly bid Shen Qiao farewell, his hand lingering where it rested on his head. Qi Fengge bid Hulugu goodbye, reluctantly heading back to Mount Xuandu. He had a lot of thinking to do.
~~~~~~
Upon his return to Mount Xuandu, Qi Fengge headed straight back to his room, ignoring another disciple — Lian Shan — and Kong Zeng’s worried looks. Qi Fengge closed his room door firmly, before slumping against it, exhaling shakily.
“We’re home now, A-Qiao,” Qi Fengge said, placing the squirming bundle onto his bed. He peeled the layers of blankets back, revealing Shen Qiao’s smiling face.
Qi Fengge wanted nothing more than to toss his cloak on the floor and flop down onto the bed beside Shen Qiao, but he had an image to maintain. He took his cloak off and neatly stored it away before flopping down on his bed.
“What am I going to do, A-Qiao? This is our home, isn’t it. I can’t just abandon everything I’ve ever known and run off with A-Hu...with your baba.” Shen Qiao, unsurprisingly, didn’t reply. He continued kicking his feet while looking amazed at what he could do. Qi Fengge tickled his foot softly, delighting in the laughter it drew from the baby. He picked Shen Qiao up and rolled onto his back, placing the baby on his chest so he could cuddle with him as his thoughts spun into disarray.
Mount Xuandu was his home, the only home he’d ever known. He was Qi Fengge, Chief Disciple of Mount Xuandu, the person who carried the full weight of his shizun’s expectations. Hulugu however… Hulugu was just… Hulugu. Free-spirited and unburdened, travelling all over to improve his martial arts, answering to no-one.
Qi Fengge believed a family would be incompatible with Hulugu’s way of life, would tie him down, make him so miserable that he couldn’t reach the pinnacle of martial arts that he was always looking towards. That thought had made Qi Fengge’s choice…easy in a way. Firm in his belief that a baby wasn’t something Hulugu would ever want, Qi Fengge had been reassured by his decision. He wasn’t happy with it, but it was the safe choice. The sensible choice.
But now, after meeting with Hulugu and seeing how he was around Shen Qiao, his desperate offer…it had shaken Qi Fengge. He had made his choice, but now, presented with an alternative that he hadn’t dared to consider, his mind was starting to wonder. His foolish heart dared to hope.
He was the chief disciple and his shizun had high hopes for him. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t just run away and abandon his sect…could he? He looked at the little boy on his chest; what was the best choice for him? To remain here on Mount Xuandu, to raise him as Shen Qiao, second disciple of Qi Fengge, the future sect leader. Or to run away with Hulugu to an uncertain future.
Before he realised what he was doing, Qi Fengge reached under the bed and brought the box that Hulugu had made for him out from its hiding place. He balanced Shen Qiao on his lap, pressing a quick kiss to his head when his son looked confused.
Qi Fengge hesitated for only a moment before opening the box, the wonky lid making the task awkward. He smiled, remembering Hulugu’s embarrassed face when he reached him the box, apologising for his poor woodworking skills. Qi Fengge had kissed him shyly, told him it was perfect and that he would treasure it always because Hulugu had made it for him.
With a shaky hand he reached into the box and lifted out the first item, a rolled up bundle of papers, secured with a green ribbon. He knew what these were. Removing the ribbon, Qi Fengge unfurled the papers, his breath caught in his throat as he took in the images on the paper for the first time in months.
While Hulugu may be skilled and obsessed with martial arts, that didn’t mean he had no other talents. The bundle of papers Qi Fengge had carefully hidden were all drawings that Hulugu had done. The care taken was obvious in every stroke. While there were a few landscape pictures of the mountains and a beautiful area they had visited by the sea, the vast majority were drawings of Qi Fengge.
They ranged from Qi Fengge doing daily chores around the sect, cleaning his sword or mending his robes. Most of them depicted him in a more intimate light, tying up his hair in the soft morning light, drinking a cup of tea with a soft smile on his face or gazing in wonder at a beautiful view. Qi Fengge traced the shape of his own sleeping face; this piece exuded a more intimate tone than the others, particularly when Qi Fengge cast his mind back to the events that had led to that morning.
All sense of time slipped away from Qi Fengge as he sifted through the gifts Hulugu had given him, both before and after their relationship started. He indulged in the memories that each gift stirred, reminiscing about days that now seemed simpler. Happier. He quietly shared some of the stories with Shen Qiao, of the fun he and Hulugu used to have together, telling the baby about the sort of man his father is.
As his fingers brushed over a handmade wooden hair pin – carved with the image of a phoenix – Qi Fengge dreaded his impending decision more and more. Shen Qiao would be well cared for here on Mount Xuandu and he would want for nothing. But he would never know his parents and the love they held for him, he would be raised believing he was abandoned. While the future with Hulugu may be uncertain, Shen Qiao would never want for love or affection.
But it wasn’t just Shen Qiao, there were others here who depended on him as well. Who would help Kong Zeng when he got into a tizzy about whether a decision was righteous? Who would offer Lian Shan a quiet place to hide when he wanted to craft his woolly winter clothes? Liu Yue…Qi Fengge knew he looked up to him and tried to emulate him. For what reason Qi Fengge didn’t quite know but he wondered who would replace him; who would help Liu Yue with advice when he needed it most?
Another young face with bright eyes came to mind. Tan Yuanchun. Who would care for his disciple? The boy who was so loyal to him and hung on his every word. The boy who had brought Qi Fengge’s food to his door when he skipped dinner this evening saying; ‘Shizun has to eat well to be strong and healthy, that’s what you always tell me!’ How could he abandon him here?
And Qi Fengge had his own plans and ambitions. His shizun had always pushed him, told him he was destined for great things if he nurtured and honed the gifts the heavens had bestowed upon him. That one day, he could even be a Grandmaster. He did want that. He still wanted that. Didn’t he?
If he left, and ran off with Hulugu…it would cause such a scandal. The chief disciple of Mount Xuandu running away with one of Tujue’s most promising martial artists and the son they had together. He could imagine what people would say about them, the derision with which people would talk about him, a traitor to his sect and his country. Their love would be branded foolish and both he and Hulugu would be laughingstocks. Their love would become a tale people used to warn others against the perils of falling in love with the wrong person. Qi Fengge looked at his little boy, his innocent child…he couldn’t bear the thought of what would be said about him. He would be a child that didn’t fully belong anywhere because of his mixed blood, a mistake that should never have been allowed to happen. He still remembered the disdainful looks his shizun cast his way every time he caught him spending time with Hulugu.
If he chose love, if he chose Hulugu, would their love for each other and for their son be enough to shield them from the hatred of the world. Was love enough…?
The days and sleepless nights drag on until, almost one week from their meeting, Qi Fengge finally sent a message to Hulugu, requesting they meet the next day.
He’s made his decision. It’s best to get this over with as soon as possible.
~~~~~~~~~
They met in the same clearing as before, only this time Qi Fengge arrived first. He’d had another sleepless night, and to add to his stress, Shen Qiao had been unusually irritable that morning. The normally placid baby had refused to eat then struggled and squirmed when Qi Fengge tried dressing him. Even now the baby was still not happy, only sleeping because he’d tired himself out crying earlier. Qi Fengge looked at his son’s red, tear-stained cheeks and his heart ached.
Qi Fengge didn’t have to wait long before Hulugu appeared, fur cloak pulled tightly round his shoulders. His face lit up when he spotted Qi Fengge and Shen Qiao waiting for him and hurried over. Qi Fengge’s heart skipped a beat. Even now, after all this time, Hulugu’s smile that was meant for him only still made him feel happy, shy… like he was falling in love all over again.
“Hello A-Qiao,” Hulugu stroked his son’s cheek, frowning when he spotted the tear-stains. “Someone isn’t happy today.”
The guilt that had pulled Qi Fengge down for days felt heavier still. He had to tell Hulugu his decision now.
Hulugu lifted his gaze from Shen Qiao, his expression blank as he asked, “Have…have you thought about it A-Feng? My offer…”
“I-I have.”
“And?” Hulugu’s expressionless face couldn’t conceal the hope that shone in his eyes.
“I can’t A-Hu…I can’t go with you, even though-” The tears sprung to Qi Fengge’s eyes and the words stuck in his throat.
‘Even though there’s nothing I want more in this world than to be with you.’
“A-Feng, please…please don’t do this…There has to be another way.” Hulugu begged.
It was cruel letting Hulugu get attached to the son he would never get to raise. Hulugu’s soft smile and gentle voice when he spoke to Shen Qiao made Qi Fengge think, bitterly, that it was already too late. Hulugu showed no signs of wanting to let go of him.
“A-Qiao would never be accepted in Tujue, he wouldn’t be accepted here either if anyone knew whose son he was…I’m sorry A-Hu, it’s the best choice for his sake. He might not know who we are but at least he will grow up safe and secure, he will want for nothing, and…I’ll take care of him.”
“I can visit you on Mount Xuandu. I…I can come at night when no-one will see me. Or I can wait until you’re sect leader…I’ll do whatever you think is best just…please…'' Hulugu rubbed his eyes with a shaking hand. ”Please don’t take him from me A-Feng, not when I’ve only just found him.”
“I’m sorry, A-Hu…I wish things didn’t have to end this way between us.”
While Shen Qiao would not grow up knowing who Qi Fengge is to him, at least Qi Fengge would get to see his son grow. Hulugu would likely never get to see him again. This would be the only memories he had of him. The day Qi Fengge introduced him and the day Qi Fengge tore him away.
“Please, A-Feng…we can make this work…”
Hulugu didn’t want to admit it but A-Feng was right. Even though he was certain his own sect would accept Qi Fengge and their son with open arms, he knew deep down that others in Tujue would not be just as welcoming. It would be next to impossible to hide who they were once news spread about Qi Fengge’s desertion. A Daoist, a man of Tujue and a baby were not a combination often seen in the Jianghu. But if Shen Qiao remained on Mount Xuandu with Qi Fengge, if he were raised as just another orphan disciple, he would be protected from that. He would be spared the judgement of others who didn’t know anything about him, people who judged him over things that shouldn’t matter. Hulugu might be a strong martial artist, but strength could do nothing in the face of vicious gossip and slander.
‘Sometimes, HuHu, no matter how much you love something, you have to know when it’s time to let go.’
He had never understood what his shizun meant by that. Why would he ever want to let go of something he loved? Would it not be better to hold onto it with all his strength so he never lost it? His shizun had shook his head at his response, saying ‘You’ll understand one day.’
Hulugu finally understood. He truly wished he didn’t.
“Can-can I hold him one last time…please…” Those bright eyes that Qi Fengge loved, that used to look at him so tenderly, were now brimming with tears.
Qi Fengge’s cheeks were frozen from the tears that ran down his face as he wordlessly passed Shen Qiao to Hulugu. He couldn’t meet Hulugu’s gaze, couldn’t bear to see how much he had hurt the only person he ever loved.
Hulugu held his son close, taking in as many details as he could, from the chubby cheeks to his tiny hands. He kissed Shen Qiao’s cheeks and forehead before leaning his own forehead gently against Shen Qiao’s tiny one. Qi Fengge could see his lips moving but he couldn’t hear the words he was whispering. They would be a secret between father and son.
Hulugu held Shen Qiao for what felt like both forever and no time at all, before he gave him back to Qi Fengge. He smiled despite the tears in his eyes.
“Care for him well, A-Feng. For me?”
Qi Fengge met Hulugu’s red-rimmed eyes as the tears continued to trickle down his own cheeks. “I will. I swear to you.”
“Then…then that’s alright, A-Feng. Everything’s alright.”
Hulugu and Qi Fengge gazed at each other in silence, taking in the sight of each other for one last time before Hulugu stepped forward and Qi Fengge bowed his head in shame. The lightest of kisses was pressed against the crown of his head as Hulugu whispered.
“Goodbye, A-Feng.”
Qi Fengge remained there, frozen to the spot. When he finally raised his head, Hulugu was gone.
Qi Fengge felt empty and cold. So cold. But it wasn’t a coldness caused by the wind and snow that surrounded him. It was a bone deep chill that no amount of warm tea and soft blankets could chase away. Only the warm embrace of another could cure him of it.
Hulugu was gone, as if the five years they spent together were nothing more than a pleasant dream. Qi Fengge would believe they had never happened if not for the proof he clutched tightly in his arms. The only piece of Hulugu he had left.
Maybe one day, when he's the sect leader, he could see Hulugu again. He could introduce A-Qiao to his father…Qi Fengge laughed bitterly. It’s not that simple and it never would be. This had to end now. He couldn’t do this any longer. He had to let go of Hulugu. He couldn’t keep living in hope when there was no hope.
Qi Fengge couldn’t hold his tears at bay any longer as he sobbed for the love he had to let go. For the father who would never get to see his son grow up. For the child in his arms who would never know his parents. And A-Qiao, his sweet little A-Qiao, burst into loud wails, as if he knew just what he had lost.
Qi Fengge knew he should soothe Shen Qiao, but he had no willpower left, and there was no soothing a hurt like this. He held his son close as they both cried out their pain and their sadness. Qi Fengge cried until he had no strength left and Shen Qiao had fallen into an exhausted sleep in his arms, his little face streaked with more tears. Qi Fengge was certain his own face looked the same.
Qi Fengge wiped the tears from his face with the sleeve of his robe, hoping the redness around his eyes faded before he reached Mount Xuandu. Tucking Shen Qiao securely against his chest, he began the long, lonely trek back to his cold and empty room on Mount Xuandu.
It was time to start living the life he’d chosen. There was no turning back now.
–
“I know you won’t remember me when you grow up and-and that’s fine, but no matter what you do A-Qiao, please be good for your mama. Grow up to be brave and strong and kind. Don’t get into fights you can’t win. Don’t lie to people unless you have to. But most of all, A-Qiao, please don’t ever, ever forget that I love you. Even though I’ve only known you for a short time I love you so much already. I will never stop loving you and I will think about you every day that we are apart. I love you so much, A-Qiao. I hope we can meet again one day.”
–