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Easter is officially my favourite holiday. I mean it always has been, but it seems necessary to make that statement every year. Everyone should love Easter; everyone seems to know how much I love it because I got so much chocolate gifted to me, normally I wouldn't accept it but not today; it's my holiday and I have a right to receive as many Easter Eggs as I can fit in my dorm, and that really did happen today.
I'm sitting in the common room. It's very late and I know I should be going to bed, James' 'sleep is so important' speech isn't something I want to experience surrounded in chocolate, what a way that would be to bring down the Easter spirit. But sitting here demolishing chocolate is too good to be true, I've had that sickly feeling for ages now and I love it. Feeling this way calms me for some reason, I like knowing I've eaten a lot more chocolate than I should, feeling alive and hyped by all the sugar makes me feel like a child, in a good way of course, like there's nothing that can really bring me down because I ate some chocolate, it honestly feels like a happiness drug. I know wolves aren't supposed to eat chocolate, and perhaps eating the amount I do makes it sick too? I could call that a win, but I know that's not how it works, I'm not a proper wolf, just on full moons.
I'm making my way through my sixth egg already. I recieved 25, some even from strangers. It doesn't make sense to me why I got so many, I've only really got 7 friends that I'm close to. Perhaps it's because of Sirius' suggestion "It's because you're hot Moony, everyone knows it, especially the ones who brought you the most chocolate." It was funny that he said that, seeming as he got me the most chocolate. Don't think I didn't realise the pink flushes in his cheeks as he said it either, and probably the amount I blushed back. After the comment Peter gave me his small pack of mini eggs and blew some kisses at me. I love Peter because he's cooler in a different way than James and Sirius are. He notices things. He does childish things. We fake flirt and don't make a big deal about it. We hang out with the girls together. No one really gets it though, especially Sirius who could be a right arse about us fake flirting, but I won't lie to you: I love that he's an arse about it. The rush of energy I get when he grabs my arm to pull me away from Peter almost makes me die, I feel my heart flutter because of how much he cares, how much he doesn't want to see me with another boy, even if he's with my best friend.
But the thing is: Sirius doesn't know I'm gay. And I don't know if he is either.
Well, Lily says he is, and she knew I was before I even had the chance to tell her myself. I was going to tell her. And Mary and Marlene. But when I got "I'm q-" out my mouth, Mary immediately gave me a frighteningly tight hug, frantically exclaiming "I'm so proud of you, my little Remu," reaching up to pat me on the head. Ironic really, seeing that I am a hell of a lot taller than the three of them.
"You didn't even let me finish!"
Marlene butts in: "Well it was obvious really. I mean you were either finally going to tell is you're queer or say you were a queen, however we all know I'm the one who looks like royalty."
Sirius would like to disagree.
I'm happy with the way it went, it was easy to tell- well at least attempt to tell them, however I have no clue on how to tell James, Peter and Sirius- especially Sirius. It's not that I don't think they'd be cool with it, in fact James would probably hang up pride banners around the dorm whilst keeping an eye out for anyone who utters in a shit tone. And of course Peter would be cool with it. I'm not saying Sirius wouldn't, perhaps he'd be even more angry with Peter's flirty behaviour when he knows I could be interested. I just don't want him to notice the way I feel about him. If I come out to Sirius and he notices how much I blush when I'm around him, that could be the end for me, especially since I don't even know if he's queer too, so it could be very awkward between us.
This is why I'm sat here on my own, eating Easter eggs like there's no tomorrow. Sirius' comment could've meant something, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to learn what it was.
But Peter walks in.
"Hey cutie," he says "enjoying your heartburn there?"
I look at the half-eaten chocolate egg infront of me, the sick feeling kicking in harder than it had before. "These eggs symbolise life you know, I could become immortal."
"There goes me thinking you were ever the smart one."
He comes to join me on the sofa. I wish he wouldn't, because his presence is just reminding me of Sirius, and I don't really want to be thinking about him now. Normally I love thinking about him, but not when I'm eating a crap load of chocolate in the dark, legs sprawled across the sofa- bare feet dangling off the end because like I said: I am fairly tall. However, now I'm left wandering if Peter noticed anything between Sirius and me earlier- not that anything even happened, but surely I wasn't imagining the flush in his cheeks or what the comment could've been referring to?
I'm just not going to say anything about it.
"Would you like some?" I say, my voice clear- except the fact there's chocolate stuck in my teeth.
Peter reaches over to the crinkled golden packet and breaks off a large bit of chocolate from the egg. "I don't get how you eat all this chocolate without gaining any weight whatsoever, it's incredible."
"Not really," I respond, "I mean, it's the 20th century, people should be able to eat what they want without the running commentary of weight right? So please, eat how ever much you want."
"Wish my mum could agree, she put me on this weird diet to help me loose weight," he says gloomily. I feel bad for him, out of all people that could make those comments, it definitely shouldn't be his mother.
"Fuck your mum."
"I don't really want to." He's in hysterics over his own joke. That's one of the things I admire about Peter- he's not afraid to laugh at his own jokes, even when they're not funny.
We spend some time finishing off the chocolate egg, my stomach starting to hurt quite a bit. Perhaps six eggs was quite a lot- only live once though, right? At least I'm not thinking about Sirius anymore and hey, Peter is great company as always.
"How come your up so late anyway?" I ask as I look at the clock, seeing that it's just gone 01:00.
"I'm always awake most of the night, trouble sleeping."
Oh. So all of this time I can't get to sleep in the dorm I could just come down and hang with Pete? Noted.
"Right. What do you do?"
"Well I'd normally be here with Marls, we just muck around all night really, it's so fun! I think she's with Dorcas tonight, kinda miss when they used to hate eachother because now she doesn't come here as often. I have you tonight though!"
I know a lot about Marlene and Dorcas' relationship, not in a weird way it's just when you're friends with both of them it's quite common to know what their relationship is like. The two are great together.
I wonder how Peter feels about them.
"How do you feel- you know- about them dating?" Shit. That probably wasn't a good thing to say, and judging by the flabbergasted look he's giving me I've definitely got it bad for me. Perhaps this is a good time to use the gay card?
"Oh my lovely Remus, how silly you can be!" His hands are on my shoulders holding me upright, and my breath quickens. Well is he going to punch me? Scream and wake up the other's, declaring me as homophobic? I just want to know how supportive he will be of me, and perhaps finding out how he feels about Marlene and Dorcas will give me an idea of that. But if I gave Peter the wrong idea, I think he'd have a lot more hatred against me before I even had the chance to come out to him.
"I'M SORRY!" I say, a little too loud. "I didn't mean it in a bad way, you just seemed upset Marlene wasn't here!"
His jaw drops and I'm left confused.
"Of course YOU didn't mean it in a bad way Moony," WHY IS THERE EMPHASIS ON THE 'YOU', DID I REALLY JUST COME OUT TO EVERYONE IN MY SLEEP WITHOUT REALISING? "But the comment was bizarre! Every quidditch game Mary and I would hold up banners with 'M+D' written clearly in a heart, okay? We knew how perfect they were for eachother, how on earth would I have a doubt about them dating? I feel overjoyed about their relationship, plus a bit big headed since Mary and me knew all along how great the two would be together." His voice turns into a whisper as he says: "Plus I'm very jealous how great their relationship is, Rems I think we need to make it clear how perfect ours is tomorrow at breakfast." He winks as and I laugh, sitting upright on the sofa now.
Something goes off in my head, like a lightbulb if you want. I'm doubtful though, what if it goes wrong or he thinks I like him or something. No, Peter is different, he would be completely cool with it, I know it. So why do I feel like this? I shake off my doubt, not literally though, that would look a bit strange. Here goes:
"Peter, I'm queer."
His eyes brighten, taking my had and pulling me off the sofa, and brings me in for a hug. My hugging ick has become greatly ignored by Lily and Mary, who seem to like causing me back aches from the tight hugs they so often give me. But a hug from Peter, a genuine one at least, is something I feel I've deserved. I finally did it. I'm out to Peter.
"Did you already know?" I blurt out as we let go of eachother. I find it hilarious that he stood up on the sofa so I don't have to lean down, maybe that's a lesson he could teach some others. But I do really want an answer to my question, just to know if Sirius knew if I was queer. James as well I guess, but he's oblivious as a child.
"Well... sorta. But I'm so happy you told me Remus, and proud too. I mean my boyfriend is queer! That's so cool."
"Pete, you do know we are not boyfriends. Never will be."
"Harsh lad you are. But, and I'm serious, is there someone else?"
Him saying he's Sirius makes me rethink my last comment. "If you were Sirius? I don't know."
My heart drops when I realise the mistake I had just made. All these fucking thoughts about Sirius were distracting me, what like did I really think we were doing roleplay here? Oh my goodness, Peter's face. He knows. Oh shit's sake.
"Gotta agree there. Sirius is beautiful. I mean God- when he catches us flirting, the way he takes you away from me forcefully. Wait is Sirius queer too? Do you like hi-"
"No! We're friends Peter. God just because I'm queer doesn't mean I like every attractive boy there is!"
His face falls and I immediately feel guilty. Of course he didnt mean it in that way, the comment I made would've made anyone assume I like Sirius.
"That's not what I was trying to say, I promise," he says in a small voice, probably scared I'll snap at him again. "Remus I'm so happy for you, but how did you like... know?"
"I don't really know." I do. "I kinda just sorta realised I guess?" Liar.
"Either way, you're the coolest person I know, please don't tell Marlene I said that though. I've always been your number one fan Rembear."
"How many nicknames have you actually got for me?" I ask with a smile. He's the best, I probably should've told him last as now the others have a lot to live up to. But that's Peter for you. Sweet and charming.
"Not enough!"
"Trust me, you're very wrong with that."
He steps back onto the sofa onto his tippitoes, so that his head comes a slight inch above mine. A wide grin appears on his face as he declares: "What's up shorty?"
I step on the sofa next to him, my head reaches the ceiling. "Who you calling shorty?"
We laugh and dance, two careless boys on Easter night. "Remus, when are you going to tell the others?"
I stop. "About my cool and utterly fabulous dancing? Hmmm, I'll have to push through the paparazzi."
"You, Remus Lupin, are the coolest."
"Don't I know it."
I don't go up to the dorm at all that night, nor does Peter. I still haven't answered his question properly, but I think he understands why. I just don't know when I'll tell them.