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When Taehyung imagined his wedding day, he hardly pictured this – squashed into one seat with Hobi, seatbelt tight across both their chests, his hair dripping with sweat and gel. He did not picture Jungkook leaned out the front seat with universally-accepted-shot-gun Namjoon next to him, his big doe eyes going back and forth like a grandfather clock between the person in the drive-thru window and Namjoon. Nor did he imagine Seokjin and Yoongi buckled into the seat at the other window, their shoulders overlapping like window shutters.
If he's being honest, he did imagine Jimin next to him blinking sleepily, but that's beside the point.
"Thank you, sir," Namjoon says in English with his talking-to-adults-smile before turning around in the seat to talk. "So. We can't all legally get married to each other."
"What?" Taehyung whines. Best laid plans and all that. "Why?"
"I told you," Seokjin says.
"Apparently that's called polygamy," Namjoon says. "And it's illegal in Las Vegas."
Taehyung scoffs. "Did you tell them about how we're soul-bonded through time and space? That we are seven together, bulletproof? That we've been in a band for like, almost a decade??"
Namjoon blinks. "I don't think they care."
A honk disrupts them. Taehyung turns - nearly bumping heads with Jimin who, it must be said, looks horrifically adorable squashed in the middle seat – to see an exasperated taxi driver with what looks to be two women in his backseat, partaking in some heavy petting.
"They appear to be having a much better time than we are," Jimin whispers and he's close enough that Taehyung could count each individual hair in his eyebrows, which sounds like way more fun than feeling Hobi's sweaty clothes through his own sweaty clothes.
"Okay, okay, perfect," Namjoon is saying now. The drive-thru person passes JK a stack of papers which he immediately disposes into Namjoon's lap, eyes wide and confused. "We'll just park. Thank you."
"What's happening?" Taehyung says while Yoongi says, "Can we go back to the hotel, please, I'm dying."
Jungkook parks. The drive-thru marriage license place is across a parking lot from a joint donut shop-strip club. The fluorescent lights from the sign paints them all in shades of green and purple. It looks particularly dashing playing across Jimin's face, in Taehyung's unbiased opinion.
"We can't all marry each other but we could all marry one other member," Namjoon says. He is still wearing his sunglasses from the awards which is good because Taehyung imagines there are quite a few looks being sent his way. "So. Who wants to marry who?"
"Oh no," Seokjin says, his voice muffled slightly. When Taehyung leans forward to see him, his entire face is up against the glass, like if he leans close enough to the window, he will somehow escape the car. "Looks like one of us will have to be left out of this marriage orgy. What a shame."
"I couldn't possibly let that happen to you," Namjoonie says, grave. "I am the leader. I will exclude myself from this, for the better of the group."
"No, no," Seokjin says, "Let hyung take this burden."
"I'll be left out. I don't even want to be here," Yoongi says which is such a blatant lie –
"It was basically your idea," Jimin says because he likes to fight Taehyung's battles for him. Also, because Taehyung likes that Jimin likes to fight his battles for him. "Should we rock-paper-scissors?"
They do. Seokjin is the first one to lose.
"Wait, wait," he shouts, over the varying shouts of ooooh that have erupted throughout the car, no doubt started by JK but picked up by the rest of them with vigour. "Hold the phone! Hold the phone, you monsters. I can't get married, you idiots, I have a cast on my left hand."
They stop oooh-ing. Jungkook says, "What does that mean?"
"In order to get married, you need to put a ring on your left hand," Seokjin says, haughty and impossibly handsome in moonlight and neon strip club lights. "Everyone knows that."
"Oh shit," Hobi says, "We forgot to buy rings."
"Is there a drive-thru ring store?" Jimin asks Yoongi, who already has Google maps up on his phone.
"Wait, wait," Namjoon says, waving his arm once for attention like a lieutenant in a drama about the war. "First, let's figure out who is marrying who. I can start filling out the forms on the drive to Yoongi's ring store."
Jungkook is checking himself out in the little sun visor mirror. Hobi is jingling and jangling his leg into Taehyung's leg. Taehyung is very aware of Jimin's arm pressing against his arm, their leather boots tight against each other, and Jimin's thighs plump and pretty and biteable just next to his own.
Maybe if Taehyung behaves and the plan goes to plan, Jimin will let him bite his thighs later, when everyone else has gone to sleep.
"Uhhhh you know," Taehyung says. Can't seem too eager or obvious. Taehyung is a very good actor. "Whoever, you know, it's chill."
It's possible that no one believes him. Maybe he just used to be a good actor. Namjoon is almost definitely rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses. "Okay, Taehyung, thank you," he says, because he is a most gracious and supportive leader. "Should we play up and down? Names from a hat?"
"I have a hat," JK says, already plopping it off his sweaty head and into Namjoon's sweaty palm. Namjoon looks guilty about ripping one of the marriage licenses into little pieces of paper to write their names on, which is so darn cute. He scribbles everyone's name but Seokjin's, who pouts reliably about being left out even when he explicably asked to be left out.
"This is fun," Hobi says, grin bright and big, as his hand swishes around in Jungkook's objectively hideous bucket hat. "I feel like I'm in an American film and – aha! Jimin-ah! Our destiny."
And no. No, that's not how the plan was supposed to work. Somehow - when he was drunk off expensive champagne and it seemed like the best idea in the world to ask Yoongi where the nearest drive-thru was - he hadn't thought of this possibility. Taehyung's heart drops to his butt.
"Jin-hyung is right," he says, over the cries of joy on either side of him. "This is a bad idea. Let's go back to the hotel and sleep and try again tomorrow."
"Hobi-hyung, my husband," Jimin says, bright smile over his bright face.
Taehyung feels cold like a Finnish lake even though it is a hundred degrees in the desert. Taehyung would like to be back in his hotel room with the mini bar and a pack of cookies-and-cream Pepero. He dreams of dramatically flinging himself around his bed while Jimin and Hobi hug around him.
"This is so fucking weird," Yoongi says, unhelpfully. "I bet EXO doesn't do this shit."
"It's your turn Taehyungie," JK says, face smug because he likes to pretend he can read Taehyung's mind.
"My turn," Taehyung says, trying to get his voice to do be like Hello I am V!, and not reflect his inner super-duper-bummed-out. His first try is no good, his own name scrawled out in Namjoon's top-of-the-class scrawl, but the second –
"Yoongi-hyung," he calls, "My love!"
"Oh Jesus," Yoongi says, as if his cheeks haven't gone all pink. He should be so lucky; Taehyung is smoking hot like Samyang spicy chicken noodles.
"I can provide for you, hyung," Taehyung says, reaching across Jimin to hold Yoongi's wrist. "I'll make us a comfortable life together, I promise."
"I would like to die," Yoongi says as Hobi giggles next to Taehyung, elbowing him in the side to say: "Save it for the vows!"
Jimin is laughing big at Yoongi's unhappy but blushing face. When Taehyung pulls his hand away from his cranky new fiancé, he lets his hand fall into a half handshake with Jimin and squeezes.
Soulmates don't let other soulmates hang, even when things are awkward in the backseat of the ridiculous sports car Jungkook rented. Jimin's eyes swivel to meet his. He whispers, loudly, "I think JK is going to pass out before we can make it to the altar. He gets to marry his hero, Rap Monster."
"Shut up," JK whines while Namjoon chuckles like it’s a joke. Like Taehyung hasn't walked in on Jungkook crying while listening to Namjoon's Soundcloud. Like that hasn't happened multiple times.
"This is hell," Yoongi says, pulling up the directions to a 24-hour pawn shop. "Google says we're 8 minutes away."
The 24-hour pawn shop did not have a ton of variety – "I told you not to expect much! I read you the reviews!" – but Taehyung is still quite pleased with the jade ring he picked out for-Yoongi-hyung-for-himself. He is kind of excited to be wearing it for the rest of their lives, or at least until tomorrow morning when they will come back to get the marriages annulled.
Seokjin argues that they should buy the rings for each other because it was more romantic that way, but Jimin flat out refuses to wear the massive gold monstrosity that Hobi, without a shadow of a doubt, would have selected for him.
Jimin's ring-for-himself-for-Hobi-hyung-to-give-him is silver and simple. Lowkey, or maybe actually like mid-key, Taehyung wants to buy him pearls. He wants to dress him in silks and stare at him on private beaches.
Back at the Tunnel of Love drive-thru wedding chapel, Seokjin has taken over the front seat. He's leaning his thick casted arm through the window to chat with the minister, no doubt already halfway to friendship.
"Haha, yeah!" he says, and then, popping his head back in: "Jungkook, you should have asked for a convertible. It is much harder for everyone to get married when you're all squeezed in the backseat."
JK, who is sitting in the middle seat now toying with the tacky mob boss ring he bought for himself with a proud smile, says, "There weren't a ton of options. Taehyung-hyung's plans are always very last minute."
"Nothing for it," Seokjin says before turning the car off. "Alright, out you get."
They stumble out of the car. Taehyung is hit with a blast of hot, dry heat. It's feels strange to be warm past midnight, when everything is still but bright, loud from the strip and the rush of cars on the road. The minister is handsome and older through the drive-thru window, dressed up in a silly suit like a man from a movie. Giggling, Jimin and Hobi pass him the license that Namjoon wrote them up.
Taehyung turns when he feels a hand at his side. Yoongi says, "This has got to be up there with the dumbest shit we've ever done."
"There was that time in New Zealand." Taehyung still has a scar on his thigh.
"At least we were drunk when that happened. We're stone-cold sober right now."
Taehyung looks up, at the starless sky in the big empty desert. He likes Las Vegas, he thinks. Everywhere else in the world he gets homesick, gets caught up in the lives people live there, in what he's missing back in Korea. This isn't that. Time feels made up, liminal, in the desert.
Hobi and Jimin are holding hands now, laughing. Jimin's smile could power the entire strip.
"Maybe we should stay married past tomorrow," he says to Yoongi. His therapist says he uses humour as a coping mechanism, which he resents for its truth. "Daegu bros until the end."
"I don't want to die at the hands of Park Jimin," Yoongi says. "But thanks anyhow."
The desert, in its emptiness, also can't keep open secrets secret for long.
Taehyung spins his ring around his pinky and watches Jimin and Hobi get married. He thinks about an hour or so ago, when he said "Yoongi-hyung where is this drive-thru wedding chapel?" and couldn't get this one image out of his head - him and Jimin giggling over rings together, arms all over each other like breathing. Taehyung thinks about how he and Jimin have been caught making out enough times that when he coerced them all into JK's fancy rental, Namjoon just sighed and said, "You don't have to invite us along on all your dates, Taehyung-ie."
"You should be so lucky," Taehyung says to Yoongi and then it's their turn.
"I promise to love you with all of my heart and my soul. I promise to bring joy to your life and treat you well. I promise that I'll always think you're sexy, Yoongi-hyung, even when you turn thirty in America."
"I hate you," Yoongi says, slipping Taehyung's ring on his finger. "This is the worst day of my life."
After, they pile into JK's room because he has the most snacks.
Being married to Yoongi, it seems, is not so different from not being married to Yoongi. Yoongi still uses him as a wall when he's pulling off his boots, one hand on Taehyung's shoulder so he doesn't lose balance. Taehyung is still tasked with getting up from his Bangtan cuddle to get Yoongi a glass of whiskey when he asks. Yoongi still says, "Ah, Taehyung-ah, you're lucky you're pretty," when he confuses rum for whiskey.
"This is fun," Jungkook says, all tucked into Jimin's side on the bed. He stole Taehyung's spot when he had to go get his stupid husband a stupid whiskey and now Taehyung's stuck on the floor with Seokjin. Away from Jimin. The floor smells of socks. "I'm married to Namjoon-hyung. I'm Mr. Kim Namjoon-hyung."
"Kim Jungkook," Namjoon corrects and JK's face goes sideways.
"That's confusing," he says while five-glasses-of-champagne-in Jimin says, "Jung Jimin sounds bad. Can you be Park Hoseok, hyung?"
"For you baby?" Hobi says, face long past flushed and eyes all sleepy. "Anything."
Jimin laughs. Seokjin spills some beer on Taehyung's leg. This is the worst night of Taehyung's life.
"I love you guys," Yoongi says. And okay, perhaps this isn't quite the worst day of Taehyung's life. He knows that Yoongi is only saying this because earlier he said, no point wasting a glass and downed the rum before going off in search of his whiskey.
Yoongi is a very sentimental drunk.
"You love me most though, right?" Taehyung asks. "Because we're married and all."
"Sure, kid," Yoongi says, swaying slightly. He's been trying to connect his phone to JK's Bluetooth speaker for the last eight minutes at least. His hair is spiky at the sides and the front like a coniferous tree. "Now be a good husband and bring hyung some Doritos."
Around three, when Namjoon has turned his voice hoarse singing along to 8282 and Seokjin's shirt is hanging from the ceiling fan, spinning slowly in circles above their heads, Hobi is the first one to leave. He spent the better part of the last hour asleep on Taehyung's husband's lap.
"Booo," Jimin calls as Hobi drags himself upwards and toward the door. "My own husband, a lightweight."
Hobi waves behind him, unbothered.
Predictably, the party sags after that. Seokjin claims that he is both too old and too beautiful to be hanging around with such rascals so late at night. He drags a Yoongi with him, who is slumped in the corner chair by himself, peeling the label off a bottle of beer diligently, his eyes unfocused.
"I got married today," Yoongi tells Seokjin as they lumber out of the room.
"Yes," Seokjin says, "It was all very impressive."
Namjoon is not long behind them.
"Don't stay up too late," he tells them. He's holding the bottle of vodka that Jimin stumbled upon a half an hour ago and has been gulping from ever since. Jimin is a monster around alcohol. Taehyung loves him so much. "We have to wake up early tomorrow to get divorced and everything."
"Was I a good husband?" Jungkook asks, mostly into the mattress. He's stretched out over the bottom quarter, his ankles hanging off the bed. Taehyung does not have the heart or the muscles to move him.
"The best," Namjoon says, kind, before giving them all a jaunty salute and leaving.
"And then there were three," Jimin says, wiggling his eyebrows dramatically. Taehyung lets himself fall face first into the mattress next to him. "Ahhh, Taehyung-ie, wake up. Don't leave me."
Taehyung would fight all the creatures in the sea for Jimin and also a dragon. However, Taehyung is wine drunk and tired from the dancing earlier and the wedding and still lowkey sad about award shows and stuff. He wiggles himself closer to Jimin on the bed.
"I don't wanna sleep yet," Jimin whines.
"Mm," Taehyung says. He turns his face into the pillow, cheeks smooshed like a baby bear. "JK will entertain you."
From the end of the bed, JK lets out a mighty snore.
"This is the worst," Jimin says but his hands are in Taehyung's hair, braiding little plaits. If this is the worst, then Taehyung will happily live here forever and ever. "Taehyung-ah, you can't fall asleep. I'll be all alone. Don't do it. Don't."
"Won't," Taehyung says, wrapping his arms around Jimin's hug-shaped torso, before falling asleep.
Taehyung's bladder wakes him up at twenty past six. The room has gone the light grey of sunrise in a hotel room, bright around the thick curtain. Jungkook is sprawled out on his stomach at the bottom of the bed, feet hanging off the end, a pool of drool on the bedsheets under his cheek.
He doesn't turn the light on in the bathroom, eyes bleary and sewn shut with sleep as he pisses one handed. Taehyung's reflection is puffy and pink, face round and splotchy like an early season strawberry. He runs his hands under the tap to wash them, and then again so he can wet the front of his hair back from his face.
The jade ring that he bought for-himself-for-Yoongi-hyung gets caught in one of the braids along his hairline. Taehyung blinks at it and leaves the bathroom.
Jimin is up when he gets back, crouched in front of a suitcase on the floor. He stumbles back into bed as Taehyung does, their bodies sleep warm, toes cold from the hotel floor. "Mmm," Taehyung sighs, wrapping himself up in the white, fluffy duvet. Beds are the best inventions of all time.
"Taehyung-ah," Jimin whispers. Taehyung retracts his earlier statement. Beds with Jimin in them are the best inventions of all time. "You're awake, right?"
"Nah," Taehyung whispers back. "I'm unconscious." Jimin's hands are creeping into his space.
"Open up," Jimin says and a second later there are fingers at his lip, tapping.
It's a mint, one of those circle ones with a hole in the middle like a donut. Taehyung sucks on it thoughtfully, eyes still closed. It wakes his mouth up and slowly the rest of him; he says, "What are your intentions with this mint, Park Jimin?"
He opens his eyes. Jimin is sucking on his own mint, cheeks hollowing out like they do when he's sucking on something else. Taehyung sleepy heart gives a little thud-thump at the sight.
"Nothing," Jimin says before, "Sit up for me."
Taehyung groans, quiet because JK, but does as he's told. He likes doing what Jimin tells him to do, which is lucky because Jimin likes telling Taehyung what to do. Taehyung thinks maybe eighty percent of their old arguments were because Jimin wanted to boss Taehyung around and Taehyung hadn't quite realized how nice and sexy that was yet.
"Wait," Jimin says, "I changed my mind."
"Jimin-ahhhh-"
"Come over here," Jimin says, patting his own lap and oh.
Okay.
"Hello," Jimin says, when Taehyung has launched himself on over, thighs split over his lap. Jimin's hands are small and warm and tight on Taehyung's hips, sneaky when they push up under his sleep shirt and rest in the dip of his waist instead.
"Hello," Taehyung says, spreading his fingers out over Jimin's hoodie, pinky finger tangling with a drawstring. Taehyung would like to live in his ribcage. Taehyung would like to eat breakfast on Jimin's abs.
It's not yet seven, the sun hazy over the Las Vegas skyline, when Jimin kisses him. He's exactly the kind of kisser Taehyung likes, bossy and soft. His hands pull Taehyung in and in until their stomachs are touching through two types of fabric. Taehyung traces his free fingers over the back of Jimin's neck until he shivers.
"Mm-" Jimin sighs, quiet, before pulling back. He opens his wicked mouth and on his tongue are two mints, his own and Taehyung's. "Do you want this back?"
"Did you give that to me just so we could kiss without morning breath?"
Jimin grins. He slips one hand from Taehyung's waist to his ass and Taehyung cannot be blamed for the noise that leaves his throat. Jimin says, sly as his fingers knead, "I'm a married man, you know. I take those kinds of accusations very seriously."
"Yoongi-hyung will never forgive me for this adultery," Taehyung says, letting turmoil spill onto his face like the lead in a drama.
Jimin giggles but continues the bit because he's the best, he's Taehyung's absolute favourite. He says, "I'll take you far away from Min Yoongi, darling. We'll disappear in the night."
"What if they find us?"
"Well-" Jimin starts but stops when JK snores, loud like an elephant or a Namjoon with a cold, and then they're both stifling giggles against each other's clothes.
Jimin feels like home and warmth and every good thing that Taehyung knows. Taehyung likes every version of Jimin: post-show-and-starving Jimin, two-sets-into-a-three-set-squat-workout Jimin, annoyed-because-everyone-is-blatantly-disregarding-the-shoe-rack-again Jimin, red-faced-and-praying-to-every-deity-he-knows-because-he's-balls-deep-in-Taehyung Jimin.
But this Jimin, soft and warm and smile slowed by sleep, might take the cake.
"Tell me something," he says, his eyes dark and crescent shaped.
"Anything," Taehyung says. His hands look so big on Jimin's neck, on the curve of his jaw.
"Did you orchestrate this whole marriage thing, just so you and I could define our relationship?"
Taehyung blinks.
Jimin laughs. "I fucking knew it."
"No," Taehyung says, late. Jimin is quick and Taehyung is slow, and it always, always burns him. Cheeks red, he continues, "No, no, that would be ridiculous. It would be ridiculous to try and convince the entire band to get married just so that I could call you my husband instead of my – my soulmate that I bang sometimes."
"Is that what we are?" Jimin asks, tilting his head all innocent.
"I don't know," Taehyung says, whining. Jimin pinches his waist to remind him of Jungkook; Taehyung turns halfway to check on him, continues when he sees him still snoozing like a hibernating bear. "We never talk about it."
"And you thought this would help us talk about it?"
"Didn't it?" Taehyung asks and Jimin laughs. The hand he has on Taehyung's ass slips under his pajamas to rest on bare skin. Shivering, Taehyung says, "Nuh-uh, foul play. This is exactly why we never talk about."
"Sorry," Jimin says. His hand slips out from Taehyung's pajamas and goes to his hair instead. "And where exactly did me marrying Hope figure into your grand plans?"
"That was a minor setback."
"Oh?"
"We were supposed to pick each other," Taehyung says, smartly. He draws his finger over and over the tattoo behind Jimin's ear until his fingers go numb around at the tip. "Soulmates, you know? But fate works in mysterious ways. Or I guess, JK's hat."
Jimin giggles, his hand cupping the back of Taehyung's skull like a second set of bone. Taehyung's not entirely sure how they decide the wonders of the world, but he would like to put Jimin's laughter up on the list. It could easily replace that giant statue of Jesus in South America.
"What's plan B then?" Jimin asks, fingers slipping from Taehyung's hair so he can stroke down his nose instead. "Get matching tattoos that say romantic life partners? Ask Jin-hyung to get ordained so he can marry us? God forbid, have a conversation about it?"
"Nah," Taehyung says. He scoots in closer and puts his mouth on Jimin's earring, sucking on the silver for a second before saying, "Got it all figured out. When we go back, I'll ask JK to put it in reverse once we've got all the marriages annulled. Going to do it properly this time."
Jimin's eyes go sparkly like the night sky, like all the lights on the Las Vegas strip and then some. "What if someone is behind us in the drive-thru?"
"Well," Taehyung says, furrowed brow for a second. "Well, then I'll ask JK to pull around and wait in line behind them."
"Wow. You really do have it all figured out."
"My baby deserves the best," Taehyung says before he stretches away from Jimin's lap to the bedside table on the other side, fishing wildly with his hand for his phone. Jimin's hands keep him upright and drag him back in once he has it, stomach to stomach, nose to nose. "I even made a playlist."
"When did you have time to make a playlist?" Jimin asks, looking down with Taehyung as he swipes open Spotify. It starts with Bruno Mars because Taehyung's only human.
"When I was sitting on the floor with Jin," he says, scrolling down so Jimin can see. "He's the one that made me put Boy With Luv on here."
"Classic," Jimin says before he's pushing both hands into Taehyung's hair and kissing him.
The kiss is too romantic, even as it is muffled in the presence of their sleeping, baby band member, their tongues slow with sleep and minty with the stolen suitcase mints. Jimin's tongue swipes across the back of Taehyung's mouth where he still has a scar from his wisdom teeth, and it makes his dick ache.
"Did you seriously just propose while we're hungover and married to other people?" Jimin asks, whispered against Taehyung's wet mouth.
"Sorry," Taehyung says, even as he's grabbing for Jimin's fingers. He rubs his thumb over the ring Jimin bought himself and says, "I promise I'll buy you a big diamond ring later today, if we have time."
"You better," Jimin says before his lips meet Taehyung's again and the stars align once more.
"I can't believe you're already cheating on Yoongi-hyung," comes the croak of a very, very sleepy Jungkook. Taehyung twists around to see him still mostly unconscious, eyes scrunched shut like a newborn.
"Nothing you haven't seen before," Taehyung says, already turning back around for more.
As luck would have it, there aren't any other cars in the Tunnel of Love drive-thru when they pull in at half past eleven on Monday morning, half-zombie half-boy band members. Taehyung signs his name neatly next to Yoongi's, handing it back to the minister in the window before climbing back into the car.
"Well," Yoongi says, who is seventy-five percent hoodie, "It was nice while it lasted, Taehyung-ah."
"Ditto."
"Can we stop by a McDonalds on our way out?" Yoongi calls to JK at the front, who is pouting at his mob boss wedding ring in the cup holder. He took it off even after every single member told him he could keep it on if he wanted to. "I need carbs and grease."
"Step on it, kid," Hobi says, grinning.
Jungkook pulls three metres ahead before Taehyung yells, "Stop!"
The car stops. Jungkook's sleepy eyes peep out from overtop of his sunglasses as he looks at Taehyung in the rear-view mirror. Taehyung hardly notices, however, because he's too busy making eyes at a boy making eyes back.
"Put it in reverse, Jungkook-ie," Jimin says, grin wide, his hand small and warm and perfect in Taehyung's hand.
The car is silent before Yoongi groans –
"Oh, for fuck's sake."