Chapter Text
Kakashi would rather not, and probably wouldn't have bothered, but Gai is clearly trying his best not to cry.
There was not a lot of people at the grave- the funeral service was short, brief formalities and awkward officials who didn't know what to do with a sad kid in spandex. Ebisu and Genma show up to pay their respects, to comfort Gai as best they can in an aloof, unsure way. They're not terrible people but they are still very much young boys who think of compassion the way that most people think of a dead animal. Hokage had stayed longer than the rest, and had put a wrinkling hand on Gai's shoulder with the sincerity that everyone else couldn't quite muster. He had left at sundown though, and Kakashi is the only one left behind. Gai is still crouched in front of the stone marker. Kakashi hates himself, for thinking of just ignoring him and going home, and then he hates himself anyway for walking up to him and sitting down. They both face the grave. Gai only turns his head to look at him briefly, and nods his head rapidly in greeting. He doesn't seem able to talk for once.
"Gai, you can cry if you want," he says it like an insult. Like Gai's too dumb to know he can cry about this kind of thing.
Shakes his head in the same whiplash motion.
"Your dad won't mind."
Immediately there's something wet against his shoulder- it's Gai's disgusting fountain of a face while he whines, muffled into his shirt, "I can't cry in front of him! I have to show him I'm strong!"
Kakashi lets Gai rub his snot and tears on his clothes and feels less annoyed than he'd thought he'd be. There's another feeling, unexpected, that causes him to wrap his arm around the other kid until the whimpering sounds stop. For a second he thinks Gai has fallen asleep on him in the middle of the graveyard, but there's a nuzzle against his shoulder and one last sniffle.
He understands why the adults don't know how to comfort Gai, even the ones who've had the same kind of loss. The Maitos are a joke, so the death of one is a bit of a morbid punchline. Now that weird kid is crying about his weird dad, and nobody knows how to deal with a heroic loss that isn't stoic or dignified. A freak sacrificed himself to save his kid's team. Carve another name on another stone under the word 'HERO' and change the subject. It's just another loss to get used to. Kakashi tightens his arm for a second.
"You can stay at my house tonight."
He insists Gai take a shower, and he lies on the floor and waits for him to finish up so he can take one too. He reads a little, but gets distracted by the crying noises from the bathroom. He feels strangely removed from it all- Gai has enough emotions for the both of them. Gai finally emerges in a cloud of steam and Kakashi pushes his slumped over body towards the bed, and tells him to go to sleep.
He showers in cold water for thirty seconds, brushes his teeth for another thirty seconds. He crawls into bed, and Gai looks drained but calm at least in the dark. It is the first time in years that someone else has been in the house. Kakashi is in some sort of auto-pilot- he realizes later that he's just doing everything that he wished someone had done for him. He pulls the blanket up and tucks it under Gai's chin. He wakes up for a second, eyes still half closed.
"Kakashi?"
"Hm?"
***
There's a festival tonight, and Kakashi's kettle is already heating up some water and his book is lying open on his bed. The window is open and he can hear vendors setting up, children running around playing games while they wait for the parade and fireworks that are still hours away. He's ready to lie down when there's a knock at the door. It could only be Gai. He opens the door.
"Rival! What are your festival plans?"
"I'm gonna stay in."
"What? What!"
Kakashi shrugs and leans against his doorframe. The gold sky behind Gai is already getting dark.
"You don't want to go enjoy the festival?"
"I'm not a big crowd person."
Gai's face turns serious, "Kakashi..."
And then immediately he's tearing up, looking dramatically into a non-existent distance, "My rival is shy! That's... so cute!"
Another shrug, "I'm just tired. And I have a good view from my window."
Gai is almost instantaneously in his bedroom, looking out his window, half his body leaning over the edge, "This is amazing! This view is amazing! Ah! I can see Tenten! TENTEN! HELLO! IT'S ME, YOUR TEACHER, GAI! UP HERE!"
Kakashi walks up and looks out the window with him in time to notice a deeply embarrassed Tenten in the street below. She makes eye contact with him and he winks, hoping to relieve her a little, to let her know he'll take care of Gai for the night. She squints a little and just looks more worried. She gives a terse nod before disappearing into a store and Gai stops waving, though he's still beaming.
"What a good generation of children. I was so glad when you finally got a few of your own!"
Kakashi leans his elbows on the windowsill, touching shoulders with Gai, "Yeah. One's a traitor who ran off on his own, one's got a demon inside him, one goes around punching everything, and Sai called me a douchebag the other day. They're really great. Having kids is wonderful. I don't regret a thing."
He's sarcastic and to his own disappointment, completely genuine. Gai's voice gets quiet and his beam slows down to a calm smile.
"Kurenai should be having her child soon. I brought her some curry and baby toys earlier and she could barely move around. Kiba and Shino were there, trying to clean things for her. Gentle Hinata was there too, putting little locks on the cabinets with Shikamaru."
There's a pause while Kakashi thinks for a second, "By toys, you mean-"
"Just the usual! Toddler sized ankle and wrist weights, leg warmers, a tortoise shell rattle. I thought she'd already have some, but apparently not."
"Not saving them for your own kids, eh?"
"Ah, I probably won't have any," a second passes that threatens to be uncomfortably dismal before Gai says in a much louder voice, "What about you! When will you put down those dirty books of yours and pick up a wholesome family life!"
"Didn't you hear me earlier? I already have four kids. You have three. We've been parents for years."
"Ah, I mean real-"
"Gai, we'd both die for those kids. That's real enough for me."
Another pause, less tense than before. The food stalls are finished setting up, and Gai's shoulder is warm against his own. Kakashi feels some of the peace that's been teasingly absent in the last months, the last years. He can feel Gai shift before he speaks.
"And a spouse?"
"Mm. Don't need one. I wouldn't be good at it."
"Well, maybe not a spouse, but you should find someone to take care of you! I get worried, thinking about you living all by yourself. Just someone to make sure you're alright."
"Isn't that what you're for?"
As soon as he says it, Gai removes himself from the window and starts walking towards the door, without a single moment of eye contact, "Ah! I guess you're right, Rival. I'll leave you alone now, enjoy your view-"
"You can stay if you want."
"I- I'll be right back!" The door closes.
Kakashi goes back to looking out the window. Something permanent in him thinks that of course Gai won't come back, that Gai would rather enjoy the festival with the village than with him in his lonely apartment. But Gai does come back, this time using the spare key Kakashi gave him years ago instead of knocking, and it looks like he's carrying food from every stall around. He sets it all down on the little wooden table in the kitchenette. He then picks up the table and carries it into the bedroom, setting it down next to the window. He does all this without turning on the lights, as he knows Kakashi's house well enough to navigate it in the dark.
They sit on the edge of his bed, eating and watching the people go by through the window. Kakashi sees Naruto and Sakura walking around. Naruto's clearly ecstatic to be spending time with her while Sakura seems to be unofficially checking in on patients as they pass by. Sai has a line of ink animals behind him, to the delight of the crowd of children following him. When Kakashi lowers his mask to eat, he makes sure to move his face away from the window. Gai loudly whispers a narration of the parade, and stands up and cheers over the entire crowd when he sees Lee leading a group of acrobats. Gai always find something interesting to turn away and look at when Kakashi lowers his mask.
During the fireworks show, Kakashi smiles and leans his head against Gai's shoulder. He tenses up like a rock under his cheek before draping a shaky arm around him.
They end up moving to lie on the bed, Kakashi in a strange daze of comfort while Gai still seems to be in some sort of shock. His head is on Gai's chest.
"Hey, are you okay? I can move if you want."
"No! No, of course not, Rival. I'm fine."
"Good," and Kakashi. He's not used to indulging in this kind of physicality, but tonight it feels like something he's allowed, like getting drunk but only once a year at a party. His face burns- he must be blushing furiously, but it's not bad.
He can tell Gai's hand is getting closer and closer to his head, and he sighs a little when it finally gets to his hair and starts combing through it. The sound makes Gai jump a little, but he doesn't stop. The sounds of the crowd outside get quieter and quieter.
"Gai?"
"Y-yes?"
***
Gai looks really cool when he fights, and Kakashi keeps meaning to bring it up. He doesn't know how. It's the way he gets serious, how it becomes suddenly apparent that Gai really is good at what he does.
One day, Gai claps him on the back and tells him what a fine job he did in the last battle, and Kakashi's eye crinkles.
"You too. My rival's a pretty cool fighter."
Gai turns bright red, yells something about Kakashi being too hip, and runs off, shouting something else-
***
"You looked really cool out there."
Gai's lying on the ground. He's barely human anymore. He shouldn't even be alive right now. The pain should have killed him, his body burned completely. Kakashi shouldn't even be able to touch him, but Gai said it was alright. Kakashi doesn't. He just kneels next to him. He's strangely removed from everything happening, like he was when they were kids. If he wanted to, he could probably sweep up what's left of Gai with a dust pan. Lee said something about him not dying, but Kakashi can't bring himself to believe those kinds of promises anymore. Gai's voice is a croak.
"I did? I'm glad."
There's a pause and Kakashi winces at it, that he'd let it happen in their last bit of time together.
"I'm glad too," he clearly isn't.
"I'm sorry. I know you've already lost so many. But the children, they're strong. We raised them well. Please watch after Lee and Tenten for me."
"Okay."
"I love you."
Kakashi should be surprised, but that's distant too and there's no time for it, "I love you too. Why didn't we ever get married? Why didn't you just ask me out?" They're natural things to ask, and it's natural to find a way to blame Gai even now.
A shaky exhale that's probably a laugh, "I didn't want to ruin our rivalry."
"You liar. You were scared."
Gai's face contorts, "Fine! Go out with me, Kakashi!"
"Okay. Gai?"
"Yes, Dear?"
He smiles weakly at the new pet name, "Why me?"
Another pause that burns up their time together, and then Gai says, "I figured if I could beat the White Fang's son, people couldn't judge me or my family anymore. And then we became friends, and then when he died, and you-"
"Gai-"
"I'm so glad I met you, and that we could grow up together," his voice is significantly weaker. "We'll meet again soon. Not too soon, of course. Not for awhile..."
He loses consciousness seconds before Sakura arrives, along with the rest of their kids. Kakashi explains to her what's wrong, not everything, but just with Gai's body. He watches her begin working, face compassionate but set and not a single tremor in her body, and feels pride mix in with everything else- but he knows the pride belongs to Tsunade. He looks down at the body again.
"Gai..."
He doesn't say anything back.
***
Months later, in the hospital that isn't as crowded as it was at the very end of the war, the nurse tells him he can touch Gai without hurting him anymore. Gai had said he could have done that weeks ago, but Kakashi had told him he was not a doctor and he could wait. The nurse leaves them alone and closes the door gently.
The window lets in a lot of sunlight, and there's a vase of yellow flowers on the bedside table. Kakashi sits in the plastic chair by the bed and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. Gai sits up straight against the headboard, looking expectant. His good foot wiggles underneath the blanket.
Kakashi leans forward and kisses him, pulling his mask down at the last second. It's a bit awkward, trying to lean over the cot at that angle. Gai's warm. Not burning-up-from-the-inside-warm, just alive-warm. He pulls away and brings the mask up, and Gai is glowing and making a happy humming noise like he's an air conditioner in the summer. Everything finally feels definitely and unshakably safe.
Kakashi lowers his head onto the blanket drawn over Gai's stomach, and lets his breathing raise his own head up, lower it, raise it. A hand starts stroking his hair. When Gai begins talking in his loud voice, he feels it hum right into this head.
"Dearest Rival! I wanted to say more to you at our moment on the battlefield of True Love... but I ran out of breath. Shameful. But-" and his voice quiets a little, probably realizing there are voices for declarations and voices for confessions, "I want you to know that you are funny, and kind, and brave and Good."
"Thanks. Why would you want to tell me that though?"
He feels Gai startle in surprise a little, "Because I would hate to leave this world without making sure I've told you these things! If I had more time, I would have bought you flowers, or dirty books, or a sweater, but I was unable to leave the battlefield at the time, and I left my wallet at home anyways. You have lost so much already but- I would want you to remember that there is always enough good still in this world."
Kakashi kind of feels like he should tell Gai he doesn't need to buy him anything, he just needs to never set himself on fire like that again, that just being with Gai makes him happy, that if he's the reason Gai's an elite ninja then Gai is the reason he's an adult with a family again somehow- but he feels like they might already be laying it on a little thick. Another time, he'll tell Gai everything. For now he just nuzzles his head against his stomach.
"Gai?"
"Yes, Dear?"
***
"Thank you."